Chapter 8
EIGHT
JESSE
Ihug my mom extra hard the next few days.
So much so that by the time a week has gone by, she chuckles when I surprise-hug her in the kitchen while she’s cooking.
But I can’t help it. It’s always been the two of us, taking care of each other, and I know that she’s the reason everything that happened to us didn’t fuck me up worse. It’s because I had her—her love, her strength, her unique way of making me feel safe—that I am the way I am now.
She shielded me from the worst. I just wish I could have done more to shield her, too.
Though I don’t dare say anything like this to her again. The last time I did she threatened to take away my candy for a month. And then proceeded to hug the hell out of me until I thought I was going to die.
I think we were both smiling really hard, I just couldn’t see her well from all the tears I had in my eyes. Neither could she.
“What is it, Jesse?”
“Nothing.” I shrug. “I just wanted to tell you I love you.”
Her face softens.
“I love you too, Bug.”
I nod with a smile, leaning with my hip against the counter.
“Are you happy, mom?”
“I am, honey.” Her blue eyes, so like mine, tilt up to look at me. “And you seem happy, too. Are you getting along with Roman?”
The thought of Roman sets off tiny flutters in my stomach, flutters I definitely shouldn’t be having for my mom’s husband’s son, and especially not in front of her.
“Yes, he’s really nice. I like him a lot.”
I more than like him. It feels… different being around him. I feel different—calmer, lighter, settled.
And something else.
I want to be around him all the time even if it’s just us hanging out together in his bedroom, or walking side by side at school.
Or sleeping in his arms all night.
My face warms at the thought and I try to shake myself out of it, even as my heart speeds up.
I clear my throat. “As a matter of fact, it’s his birthday in a few days and I wanted to ask you if I could take your car on Friday to pick something up for him.”
She twists around in surprise.
“Roman’s birthday is on Friday?”
“Yep. Why?”
“Nothing, I’m just surprised Andrew didn’t say anything.” She frowns. “In fact, we won’t even be here, there’s something like a charity event at his office.”
Well, what a fucking coincidence. Almost as if he doesn’t want to be here for his son’s birthday.
My jaw clenches, but I put on my best fake smile despite the hot anger bubbling in my insides.
“It’s alright, I’ll put together something for him. Don’t worry about it.”
Her brow is still furrowed as she peers at me.
“Are you sure?”
I nod with so much enthusiasm I might as well be a bobblehead.
“Of course! We’ll have fun.”
“Okay, if you say so,” she agrees, though reluctantly.
“I do.” I’ll make damn sure of it.
***
On Friday, I wake up extra early to make it to the bakery and back before Roman and I need to leave for school.
I’ve only just climbed the stairs when he comes out of his room, dressed in his black jeans and hoodie, his messy, black hair falling casually on his forehead as if he’s just run a hand through it.
For a moment, he doesn’t notice me, his face hard, his expression tight, his eyes stormy.
But then our gazes meet, and if we didn’t spend so much time together, I wouldn’t notice it—how his shoulders imperceptibly relax, how his eyes soften, how his whole demeanor changes.
It makes me feel lightheaded in the best possible way.
“Hey,” he says, a small smile pulling at the corners of his lips.
“Hey.” I move closer and he never looks away.
Not even when I get close enough to arch up and brush a kiss against his cheek.
“Happy birthday, Ro,” I whisper for his ears only, my pulse jumping when he turns his head before I have fully drawn back, the rough skin of his jaw rubbing against my smooth cheek.
There is a roar in my ears, so loud it drowns out everything else. The spot tingles from the accidental touch and something flashes in Roman’s dark eyes. Something that is gone in the next moment.
But his gaze keeps me pinned in place, the intensity behind it making my skin break into goosebumps. I don’t think he’s ever looked at me this way before.
I want him to look at me like this again.
“Thank you, Blue,” he rasps out in a deep voice, his eyes still roaming all over my face. “Are you ready to go?”
I nod in answer and Roman smiles. “I’ll wait for you downstairs.”
I watch his retreating back, feeling untethered, unsettled. Weightless.
Shaken up by something I don’t understand, something I’m burning to know.
The feeling never leaves me all morning. Through classes and idle conversations and the constant, loud buzz of school.
It’s persistent, like an itch I can’t scratch, and it only gets worse when I don’t see Roman at all during the day. He doesn’t walk with me, our eyes don’t lock from across the school hallway, he’s just not there.
When the final bell rings, I all but run out of class, rushing to where I know he’s always waiting for me to drive us home, needing—needing to see him.
I spot his tall figure immediately, a beaming smile already splitting my face.
A smile that slips away when I see that he’s not alone. Not in the least.
My steps slow down until they come to a complete stop, the entire student body passing me by as I stare at a girl I don’t know touch Roman’s arm, whisper in his ear, and be so close to him she’s practically plastered to his side.
He’s leaning against our car, blowing out the smoke from his cigarette, turning to listen to her.
Something ugly curls in my gut, bitterness coating my mouth, burning my throat like acid.
I hate it. I hate that he’s looking at her and not at me.
He should always be looking at me. Only me.
I don’t even realize I’ve started walking again until I’m almost standing in front of them.
Roman’s gaze finds me immediately, already putting out his smoke, the beginnings of a smile forming on his mouth.
But my attention is on someone else.
“Hi,” I tell the dark-haired girl who has barely glanced my way, too busy feeling up Roman’s bicep. “Do you mind?”
She turns my way, blinking like an idiot. “Huh?”
“I said, do you mind?” I nod towards the car door behind her. “We need to get going,” I say, giving her the brightest smile in existence.
I can feel Roman’s gaze burning into me, but I don’t turn to look, choosing instead to lift an eyebrow at the girl who’s still blinking at me, as if she can’t understand what I’m saying.
“You heard him.”
My eyes snap back to Roman who’s not even looking at the girl, but at me. Only at me.
I’m the center of his whole attention and the feeling is heady, addictive.
The girl is saying something, but neither of us glances her way, eventually huffing and striding away.
No, we’re locked into something that is alive with tension, pulsing in tandem with the beat of my heart. My skin feels too tight, my lungs too small for air.
And he feels too far away.
“Get in the car, Jesse.”
The deep timbre of his voice sends a shiver through me, the sound doing nothing to soothe the agitation I’m feeling, fueling it even more instead.
We don’t talk during the drive home, but the tension rolling off Roman in waves is palpable, making the quiet in the small space almost vibrate.
And I’m not any different, the image of that girl with Roman—touching him, whispering to him—making my chest feel so tight it’s hard to breathe.
The minute we’re home, I’m throwing the car door open and slamming it shut behind me before the car is even properly parked.
Heavy footsteps follow closely behind me, but it’s not until I’m outside Roman’s bedroom that a strong hand wraps around my arm, pushing me inside, the door clicking shut behind us.
The same hand that turns me around until I’m face to face with Roman’s hard expression, drowning into the darkness of his eyes.
“Explain.” The word is soft but firm, and for some reason it only brings that hot, ugly emotion in my gut roaring back.
Twisting my arm to get out of his hold, I drop my bag and cross my arms in front of my chest, looking straight at him.
“Explain what?”
His face is a mask of unflinching calm, completely at odds with the mess that’s ravaging my insides.
“What the fuck is going on.”
I scoff, flipping my hair over my shoulder. “There’s nothing going on.”
“Sure.” He nods slowly. “Wanna try that again?”
My lips press together and I shake my head, looking away from him, staring at nothing.
I feel rather than see when Roman steps closer to me, his scent wrapping around me like fresh linen with a hint of burnt tobacco. My heart speeds up at his nearness.
“Are you angry at me, Blue?” he asks softly.
And God, that gentle tone coupled with the pet name he has for me are enough to make me deflate, all traces of my earlier confusing hurt and anger draining out of me.
Roman’s expression is unreadable when I peer up at him.
I shake my head again in answer, feeling the beginnings of shame coating my throat when I swallow.
Jesus, what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I acting like this?
I don’t even realize my gaze has dropped somewhere on Roman’s collarbone until I feel a warm hand tipping my face up, drawing my eyes back to his.
And the softness that bleeds from him makes me melt on the spot.
“Then why are you upset?”
I… I don’t know why I’m upset. The words feel stuck in my throat, but the more I look at him, the more I don’t want to hide anything from him.
“It’s just that I didn’t see you at all today at school and I was really looking forward to telling you about doing something tonight.”
“Tonight?” His voice is nothing but a hushed, intimate whisper. Just like mine. Like we’re sharing a secret we don’t want anyone to overhear. That is just ours.
“Yeah.” I nod. “We have the house to ourselves and I thought we could watch a movie on the big TV downstairs and eat every snack in existence until we fall into a food coma.”
His lips twitch and the sight makes my stomach flutter like crazy.
“I wanted to see you, Roman,” I tell him in a small voice as his hand shifts from merely tipping my chin up to cupping my face, the move making something tighten low in my stomach. “And when I did, you were not alone.”
His gaze sharpens and when he speaks, his voice is so low it feels like it burrows beneath my skin.
“And you didn’t like it.”
“I hated it,” I confess quietly, never looking away. “She was touching you and speaking to you so close, and you were looking at her.” I spit out the last part, the burning bitterness coming back to me tenfold. “I hated it.”
The second the words have left my mouth I wish I could take them back, erase them from his mind and from existence altogether, bury them so deep inside me they never see the light of day.
My chest rises and falls as if I’ve run a damn marathon, and it only gets worse when Roman steps closer, impossibly close to me, his dark eyes a blazing inferno that makes every thought disappear.
“Why?” he mutters roughly, the hand that was cupping my face now threading into my hair, fisting the strands lightly. “Why did you hate it, Blue?”
“Because you should only be looking at me.”
He inhales sharply, his fist tightening imperceptibly in my hair in a move I feel in my very core.
His throat moves as he swallows, his eyes devouring me whole.
“I am,” he whispers harshly.
My pulse thunders in my ears.
“What?”
He leans in until every harsh exhale brushes against my lips.
“I am only looking at you, Jesse.”
Savage satisfaction spreads through my veins, flooding my senses, and I float in the high his words give me.
Yes. Never look away from me.
Never.
His eyes flick down to my lips, and need like I’ve never felt pools in my belly, thick and hot. It makes me dizzy, my mind hazy, my limbs heavy.
My hands find his hoodie and my fingers tangle in the fabric, anchoring me to him, feeling the heat radiating from his body.
“Roman…” I whisper, his name a plea for something—something only he can give me.
A sound of pure torment tears from him, and it’s the only warning I get before his lips cover mine.