Chapter Twelve
Blue
I wouldn’t say the day sucked. Blade and Torch worked in the pit. Dozer left with Pike to pick up some bikes from the salvage yard. I’d finished up with a cruiser in for a clutch repair.
Rogue popped into the shop. “You busy?”
I raised a brow.
“We need another pair of hands in the studio.” Rogue hitched his thumb, indicating the new dance studio for Stormy.
I wiped my hands on a shop rag. “I’ll be back in a minute,” I said to Blade and Torch.
“Bring back food.”
“Fuck, dude, I’m just going two doors down.” I wasn’t hungry. We’d grabbed subs earlier. Mine was still in the mini fridge. My thoughts were on Kiss. I knew she had to do this on her own. I still wanted to be there for her. She had to be scared. Fear and insecurity were triggers for her.
They were becoming triggers for me.
Her text had eased my worries over her anxiety. Now, I had to wonder who the fuck she was with. What if this girl wasn’t serious about her sobriety? Addicts could convince each other the grass was blue, and the sky was green. One drink, one hit, one more time wouldn’t mean a relapse.
You don’t trust me. Her words slipped back into my mind. Fuck. Trusting was hard.
I tossed the rag onto a workbench, walked out the swinging glass door, and strode down to the far side of the strip mall.
Blade and the others owned the building. Crew Custom Cycle took up three of the retail spaces. Hana had her tattoo shop, and now, Stormy would have her own small dance studio next to Wild Ink.
Large windows stretched the front of the dance space. Mirror panels covered two of the walls, and the third wall had been painted white. Bullet and Rogue had laid out a pattern of bars to anchor into the wall.
“Grab an end.” Bullet pointed to the bar. “Stormy wants a low bar for little girls, and a higher bar for the older kids.”
Rogue and Bullet bantered while I held the bar in place.
“How do you like working at the shop?” Bullet asked as he marked holes to drill.
“Fine.”
He and Bullet exchanged a glance.
“Do you plan to come back to work for me?” Bullet asked.
“I’m good at the shop, but thanks.” I wasn’t up for the chitchat.
“You’re not much of a mechanic,” he said. “Seems like more of a friend job.”
“Sounds like the same thing I was doing for you,” I snapped. “I think we proved I’m not much of a fighter either.” I’d had my ass handed to me by the mafia thugs who were after his old lady. “At least I’m not going to get someone killed when I’m working on bikes.”
I hadn’t been able to protect my girl. Nothing she’d done caused the situation, and there was nothing she could’ve done to prevent it. Thinking they were going to kill me had fucked her up and sent her on a bad trip.
Bullet threw his pencil at the wall over my head.
“What the fuck?” I jerked around to face him.
“You’re a fucking pussy,” he spat. “You want to wear that cut, show some fucking balls, and tell me to my face how you feel. You think I don’t see we got a problem between us? I’m your fucking brother.”
I jolted to my feet. “Your brother? Nah, I was there for you. I put you and the club first. But talk about loyalty. Where the fuck was your loyalty to me? A brother would’ve told me to watch my back. A brother would’ve thought about my girl while he was thinking of his own. You fucking lost your shit when I left Stormy in the MC with a clubhouse full of Hellers. Your brothers .” I said the word as if it tasted bitter in my mouth. “You knew Kiss was crashing at Indulgence. That it was the only way I could keep her off the street. Fuck you, Bullet. Fuck you.”
Rage burned through my body. Every muscle tensed, spoiling for a fight. Aggression built inside me, cresting into a tsunami of frustration. My hands balled into fists.
“You want to hit me?” Bullet spread his arms. “I can take it.”
My nostrils flared. Bullet was a huge man, and he’d destroy me with one hit. “Fuck you. We both know I can’t fight for shit. ”
Rogue grunted. “You’re smart. Brawn never beats brains.” He smiled. “You could kick his and anyone else’s ass if you plan for the fight.”
“Blue.” Any anger dissipated from Bullet’s eyes. “I know you’re pissed. You got a right to be. I fucked up. I should’ve had your back. You’ve always had mine. You’re right on another thing. I was blind to everything but Stormy.”
Kiss and I had been collateral damage. I tipped my head back, inhaled deeply, and slowly exhaled my hate.
Bullet approached, pulled me into a hug, and slapped my back.
I stiffened at the embrace. If he felt my discomfort, he didn’t care. He tightened his hold. “I’m sorry, Blue. Whatever fucked up shit is going on with you, you need to know you’ve got us.” He released me and took a step back. “Hellers have rules and bylaws.” His gaze shifted to Rogue.
“Fuck the rules.” Rogue leaned against the wall and crossed his arms over his massive chest. “We got your back, Blue. We’re brothers, and you never have to fight alone.”
Bullet bent and picked up his pencil. “We good?” he asked me.
I nodded.
“Good. Quit the shop. I need you at Indulgence.”
“Fuck you.” I smiled and picked up the bar. “I’m not fucking your girls on camera.”
Bullet laughed. “You’re never going to lose your road name.”
Whether I fucked my girl or not, I wasn’t touching anyone except Kiss. They could keep on believing I had blue balls .
I spent the next couple of hours working in the studio. Once the bars were up, we cleared, cleaned, and prepped the floor for the new hardwood.
Calling it a day, Rogue and Bullet stood in front of the building and smoked a cigarette. I kicked back, sitting on the curb, and sent Kiss a text. I hadn’t heard from her, but I assumed she was home.
Blue: On my way home. Are you hungry?
My phone vibrated with a call. I touched the button and answered.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hi.” Hearing her voice had the knots in my gut unfurling.
“I’m leaving the shop.” Before I could ask her what she’d like for dinner, she jumped into the conversation.
“I’m going to be a little while longer. There’s another meeting in a couple minutes. They have a special guest speaker.” She could barely catch her breath with her excitement. “Oh, and now I have a sponsor.”
“You’ve been at the community center all day?”
“Not all day. After we went to lunch, all of us went to this coffee shop a couple blocks from Eminence University. We need to go there. You’d love the totally cool vibe.”
“You went with your sponsor?” I did sound like a pussy. I glanced to Bullet and Rogue. I could tell they were trying not to listen. Fuck it. I’d be a pussy. I missed her. “What time will you be home?”
“I don’t know.” Her voice lowered. “Are you mad?”
“Nah.” I wasn’t mad, just apparently jealous of addicts. “I’ll see you later.”
“I won’t be late. The meeting lasts an hour.”
I could handle that .
“We’re heading over to the MC,” Bullet said. “You coming?”
“Yeah.” I had an hour to kill.
Rogue and Bullet waited on their bikes while I let Blade and Torch know I was heading out. Then we rolled out of the parking lot and rode off toward the clubhouse.
Guys were already hanging around the oil drum. Rogue and Bullet stopped off, but I headed inside.
Sully and Murph played cards with Steele and Vega. I waved on my way to the pool table and approached Cruz.
“What’s up?” he asked.
“Not much.” I plopped down on the sofa along the wall. I couldn’t count how many nights I’d slept off my drunk right here. After meeting Kiss, knowing she struggled with her vices, I’d given mine up. Right now, I wanted a fucking shot of Jack and a beer chaser.
But I only had an hour.
“Not what I heard.” McKelle leaned over the table and lined up her shot. A tight tank top clung to her tits, and big gold hoops dangled from her ears. Her lips twisted into a smile as she pulled the stick back and took her shot. Balls cracked, a couple splitting and dropping into the side and corner pockets.
“What have you heard?” I was getting tired of hearing mine and Kiss’s name in everyone’s mouth.
She smirked her pouty pink lips and lined up her next shot. “Do you want the highlights or the dirty details?” She sank another ball, then leaned against the table.
Cruz sat next to me. “Girls can’t not talk.”
McKelle rolled her eyes. “I was at the table when Jazzy and Hana were talking about Kiss. You know I’m teasing, and you know Hana. She’s happy you’re getting your dick wet.”
I leaned my head back and groaned.
“How’s she doing?” Cruz’s voice was low and laced with concern.
I sat straight. Cruz had seen her broken, and he’d gotten his hands dirty for me. Trusting him was easy. “Most days, she’s good. She’s at a meeting.”
McKelle sidled around to our side of the pool table.
“They found a dead drug dealer over by Kane’s trailer,” Cruz said, confirming the cops had found Sam.
My heart jackhammered in my chest. “Any rumors on who it is or what happened?”
Cruz pulled a cigarette from his pocket. “No one we know. The guy died of an overdose. Cops had yellow tape around the trailer.”
McKelle paused in taking her shot and turned to Cruz. “You were at Kane’s? Don’t lie to me.”
Cruz exhaled and gruffed. “Fuck.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “I stopped by. No big deal.”
She dropped the stick on the table. “You’re full of shit. You don’t just stop by Shady Valley trailer park. You get high, and you hook up with your whore.”
“Hayley wasn’t even there.” He splayed his hands wide. “I haven’t fucked around on you since the last time.”
“Fuck you.” She stomped down the steps.
“I didn’t even see Hayley.” He spoke low so only I would hear him. “Fuck, dude, we left a dead dealer in a bathtub. I wanted to check in with Kane.” He stared at McKelle as she crossed the room and sat with Stormy, Brenna, and a couple of other girls.
“You’re fucking stupid,” I said. “You’re going to lose the best thing that ever happened to you. ”
“Fuck.” He stood, went after her, and headed to the back of the MC. I’d seen this show before. He’d fuck the fight out of her.
I made my way to Sully’s table and pulled out a chair.
“Looks like I’m losing a roomie,” he said to me. “I talked to Pike this morning. You got your own room here now, but I wanted you to know you don’t have to go. Not yet. I think Shae still needs you close.” His gaze locked on mine.
“You know?” If she couldn’t come to the club, I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be here now. But I hated the thought of sitting at home alone waiting for her. Same shit she must have been feeling. It made me understand why she’d rather be at meetings and hanging around with other recovering addicts.
He gave a slight nod. “I don’t agree with the decision, but I ain’t making the rules for the club. Blade won’t budge on this.”
I rubbed a bit of engine grease from my knuckles. “It’s fucking with my head.”
Sully tossed a nickel into the pile on the table. “Early days, Blue. You gotta have patience.” He flipped over his cards. “Both with her,” he glanced to the door as Blade came in with Hana, “with your club, and with your prez.”
Sully dealt me into the next hand and tossed a handful of coins in front of me. Hellers filtered into the club. The bar was busy, and I wanted out. But I took Sully’s advice, stayed, and played a few hands of poker. Once I’d lost my pile of coins, I migrated out to the oil drum and gave a two-finger wave goodbye to Rogue and Bullet .
Relief rushed through me when I pulled into the driveway. I’d run later than I expected. I headed into the house and grabbed a quick shower.
Where the fuck was she? I checked the time again. Earlier she’d wanted to spend time with other NA people. Maybe they’d gone out for food again. I grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator. I stared at the label as the cold bottle grew heavy in my palm. Not this time. I put it back in the fridge, went outside, and waited for her on the bottom step.
Just as I was about to send a text, a car turned into the driveway.
My gut sank and the bitter taste of jealousy crawled into my throat and floated across my tongue. My words to Cruz replayed through my mind.
I was going to lose the best thing in my life.
Kiss sat in the front seat with a guy with a handlebar mustache. He had to be about thirty. He put the car into park but didn’t turn off the engine. Pivoting toward Kiss, he smiled, and his lips were moving. I couldn’t hear what he said, but Kiss evidently liked what she heard. She covered her mouth with her hand and laughed.
Neither had noticed me sitting on the stairs. I leaned forward and rested my forearms on my thighs. But I couldn’t turn away.
What the fuck was he saying to her? I can help you stay clean. I want to be your sponsor. I want to split your legs, eat your sweet cunt, cram you full of my hard cock, and make you scream my name.
A hot and nearly lethal dose of panic slipped through my veins. I’d choke on my own fucking fear before I’d lose her to my pathetic fucking issues. Mind over matter .
The passenger door opened. She still laughed, said goodbye, and waved as the guy backed out of the driveway.
“Blue.” The smile fell from her lips as she approached.
“Who is the guy? Is that your sponsor?”
“Not my sponsor. His name is Ansel. I don’t know what I’d call him. I think he’s a psychologist, but I didn’t hear anyone call him doctor. I don’t even know his last name.”
“But you got into a car with him?” I bit back the hard edge of my tone.
“Are you mad?”
Not mad, rather consumed with jealousy. I wanted her to smile and laugh with me. Not even heroin had blackened our relationship the way my issue had.
“I was worried about you.” I wrapped my arms around her, held her close, and inhaled the sweet scent of her perfume. The silky strands of her golden hair caressed my cheek. Her arms wound around me.
She tipped her head back to stare into my face. “Jazzy’s car wouldn’t start.”
I stroked my thumb along her neck. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“I was going to, but I would’ve been alone in the parking lot while I waited. Ansel offered to give me a ride. He lives five minutes away. He even offered to pick me up tomorrow for the morning meeting.”
“I’ll take you.”
She smiled. “That’s what I told him.” We laced our fingers and walked into the house. “I’m hungry. Do you want to order a pizza?”
I still had a couple of bucks. “Whatever you want. ”
“A large pepperoni with extra cheese.” She wagged her brows. “And a shower.”
I followed her into her bedroom. Before I had the door closed, she had her shirt over her head.
“My sponsor’s name is Janie.” She reached behind her back and unhooked her bra. “I’d have you meet her tomorrow, but she won’t be there. She’ll be back on Monday. She’s going to spend the weekend with her family.” Kiss kept talking from the bathroom as she started the shower. “I guess her dad is super rich. He gave her a Porche for her sixth month of sobriety. Georgia, she’s in recovery too, she said Janie has a toxic relationship with her dad. They fight a lot.”
“What does a sponsor do?” I sat on the bed and pulled up the delivery app for pizza.
“I’m supposed to call her if I have the urge to use.” Kiss came back to the doorway, unsnapped her jeans, and pushed them over her hips. “I exchanged numbers with Georgia, too.” She smiled. “She ate a lot of cookies. I thought it was funny until Ryatt told me that sometimes all she had to eat were the cookies at meetings.”
“That’s tough.” I tried to sound sympathetic, but I didn’t like another guy’s name in her mouth. “Ryatt?”
“Ryatt and Brad. I’m not sure you’d get along with them. They both ride crotch rockets. Not a Harley in sight today.”
She leaned against the doorjamb in nothing but her tiny lace panties. Pizza forgotten, all I wanted was a taste of her. Blood surged into my dick, and my balls pulsed between my legs. Reaching into the front of my jeans, I adjusted my cock.
Kiss stopped talking and stared .
I stood and closed the space between us. I rasped my thumb over her nipple. The pink bud puckered, and she sucked in a tempting little gasp. I bent and drew her breast into my mouth.
“Blue?”
I moaned, dropped to my knees, tucked my thumbs into the elastic edge of her panties, and slid the scrap of fabric down her legs.
“I need a shower.”
“I want you dirty.” I breathed in the warm scent of her pussy. I sliced my tongue through her slit, nudging her clit with the tip.
“Oh god.” Her head thumped against the wall, and her fingers sank into my hair. “Red light?”
“Green,” I whispered against her soft skin even though I was at a hard yellow. Instead of my fucked up fears, I focused on her. The taste of her, the scents, the quiver of her belly, and the breathy gasps as she edged closer to release.
With one hand, I drilled two fingers inside her, pumping in and out, hooking them to rub the rough patch of nerves to make her break apart. With the other, I unbuttoned my jeans, lowered the metal tab, and parted the wedge of the fly. I shoved down my boxers until my cock sprang free, hard, heavy, and leaking from the slit.
As I fisted my cock, I sucked her clit into my mouth, worked my tongue into her juices, and savored the salty sweetness of her. She glanced at my face, then my cock, her gaze sparking with pleasure, and her lips twisting on an anguished cry of release. I licked her pussy until the final flutters of her orgasm teased my tongue.
I pumped my cock faster, wanting to come with her .
Kiss dropped to her knees in front of me, her tongue slicked across her lips. “Red light,” she whispered and clasped her hands behind her back. Not a red light for her, but for me.
My hand stilled, my balls throbbed, but fuck I wanted in her mouth more than I wanted my next breath. But I was terrified of fucking this up. Making her come was a huge fucking leap for me. I could do this, focus on her, slay my demons the way she slayed hers.
“I promise not to use my hands.” She softly kissed my lips. “Just my mouth.” Her tongue touched mine, her lips parted, breath mingled, and my cock fucking hardened in my hand.
Just her words had me on the edge of release. I stood, continued to fist my dick, and painted her lips with a glossy coat of precum. Standing above her, I said, “Open.”
Her lips parted, and I tapped the head of my dick against her tongue.
“Don’t look away from me,” I whispered. I needed the visual of her mouth, her tongue, her fucking blue eyes staring into mine. “Don’t hold onto me, okay?”
I didn’t have a clue what my triggers were, but her hard nipples, jiggling tits, and spit soaked lips had me ready to nut. I envisioned bathing her face with my cum. I forced my thoughts to stay in this moment with her.
“I won’t touch you with anything but my mouth.” Her warm breath fluttered over the head, my balls drew up, and she gently sucked.
Fuck me. Wet heat surrounded the dome, and her lips caressed the length. I kept my fist wrapped around the base, squeezing for fear of losing my erection. Not this time .
I was all in with her. I choked on the worry and swallowed the fear of failure. Her tongue traced a vein running the underside, up to the crown, and tunneled into the slit.
My imagination couldn’t compare to the smooth softness of this woman’s mouth with her red lips and with her eyes locked on mine.
She took me deeper, a low hum vibrating in the back of her throat. Her lips brushed against my fingers, then she sucked as she pulled back, leaving my cock slippery with her spit.
She inched closer on her knees, keeping her fingers firmly laced behind her back. “Fuck my face, Blue. I want all of you.”
Pressure built in my chest, and I practically pulsed with the need to flee or fuck. My breaths came hard and fast and matched the chaotic tempo of my heart. I braced one hand on her head, gripping her as hard as I dared, clenched my buttocks, and thrust my hips.
My cock slid deeper into her mouth, bumping the tightness of her throat. She felt so fucking good. Lips, tongue, teeth, her mouth a palate of pleasure. I scrunched her hair between my fingers. She choked, but didn’t relinquish the sweet torture of her sucking and swirling her tongue along the shaft. My grip on her tightened.
Tears leaked from her eyes, and her mascara streaked along her cheeks, but she didn’t take her gaze from mine. My balls grew heavy, heat slipped along my spine and burned low in my gut.
I chased the high, fought for the release, but felt the panic weaving in with the pleasure. I needed to come down her throat, to finish with her, to prove I wasn’t the sick fucking toy of Carl Douglas. To prove I was only hers.
But I wasn’t. I had a monster chained to me, infiltrating every fucking part of my life. No escape. I’d tried to outrun this shit, but it was always fucking right here, dragging me under.
Nausea roiled in my gut. Her mouth was beautifully swollen wrapped around my cock, but I wasn’t feeling her velvet tongue. Poison seeped into my thoughts, coursed through my veins, and ate at my soul.
I was never going to be okay because I’d never forget the sick twisted corrosion of his mouth—of his touch. This was fucking hell. “I can’t do this. Fuck. I’m sorry.”
A painful wail ripped up my throat, breathed fire through my body, and exploded out of me. Kiss jerked back, the passionate blue of her eyes bleeding into a terrorized stare.
“Blue?”
“Fuck,” I screamed. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”
Tears burned in my eyes. My body trembled. I tucked my flaccid dick back into my jeans.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Kiss. I never should’ve started this. Never should have believed I could get out of here.” I bashed my fist against the side of my head. “It’s a fucking prison. I can’t fucking do this to you.” My jaw clenched, my teeth grinding to the point I could barely speak.
“Red light, baby.” She hesitantly stepped toward me. Tears streaked her face, her lips trembled, and her voice softened to a whisper. “It’s okay to be at a red light.”
A stunning woman, pussy ripe and wet, aching for dick, and I couldn’t fuck her. “Don’t touch me. Fuck. I’m sorry.” I couldn’t yell at her, the one bright spot in a dark fucking life. I put my hands up and took a step back from her. “You don’t want this.” I dragged my hands down my face, drying my tears. “I’m sorry, baby. You can’t fix me. I can’t fucking fix me. He broke me a long time ago.”
She stilled. “Who broke you?”