Kiss
The facade cracked. Blue wasn’t just broken, not like me, he’d been in survival mode, and I was fucking losing him.
“Don’t go,” I begged.
He became frantic, his hands trembling as he searched his pockets for his keys.
“You shouldn’t ride when you’re this upset.” I grabbed a dirty T-shirt from the basket on the floor and tugged it on.
“I gotta go.” His strained voice sent sharp shards of fear through my chest.
“Please stay.”
Tears shimmered in his eyes. His mouth pulled into a hard line. “I’m sorry.”
He stomped on his boots, didn’t bother tying them, and walked out of the room. I followed him.
“I know you don’t trust me,” I said. “But I trust you. You can’t hurt me, not unless you walk away.”
He paused at the door. “Walking away is the only way I don’t hurt you. I’m fucked up, Kiss.” He glanced over his shoulder. “If you trust me, then trust that I know you’re better off without me.”
The painful stare of the man who saved me left me shattered. I whispered the words of my heart, hoping they would heal his. “I love you. ”
His hand paused on the door handle. “I wish you didn’t.”
I recognized that this was the moment I lost him. His words hung in the air, even after he’d closed the door.
I stared at the empty space. He left.
I couldn’t breathe.
He left.
Inside, I splintered into a million fucking pieces. Nothing had ever hurt this bad.
His motorcycle rumbled. He really was leaving.
I couldn’t move.
The engine roared out of the driveway and faded into the distance. Oh god. He was gone. I couldn’t swallow past the tight coil of fear in my throat or breathe through the pain in my chest. Oh god. What was I supposed to do?
He’d left me. As the words repeated in my mind, a crippling heaviness cloaked me in disbelief. I’d told him I loved him.
And he’d left. He’d walked away, giving up on me.
“Fuck you,” I yelled. “I’m not going to let you give up on us.”
I rushed into my room and grabbed the phone he’d purchased for me.
Kiss: You promised me you wouldn’t leave.
Kiss: You promised you’d never give up on me.
My thumbs flew across the keypad.
Kiss: You promised the worst was over. This hurts, Blue.
Kiss: You promised I was stronger than black. But I’m not strong without you.
Tears blurred my vision and dripped from my chin.
I continued to text, but if he was riding, he wouldn’t respond. I went to the bathroom, splashed water on my face, and tugged on my jeans. With each minute that passed, my thoughts darkened. I replayed the conversation from yesterday. Maybe he was trying to tell me he was ready to jump.
Jesus Christ. Rapid pounding of my pulse had blood rushing through my head. My tongue thickened with the taste of heroin.
Kiss: You promised to be here for me.
He could give up on me, but I’d never give up on him.
Kiss: You promised never to lie to me.
I ran back to the kitchen. I had no money, no vehicle, and no idea how to fix this. Even if I had Jazzy’s car, I wouldn’t remember how to get to the flour mill. Oh god. I was going to lose him.
Please, no.
I paced the floor.
Kiss: Please call me.
Blue: Baby, trust me. All you need is your meetings. Nothing can come before your sobriety.
I read through my tears.
Blue: Not even me. I won’t be good for you.
Our next texts came in on top of each other, both of us fighting to be heard.
Kiss: I love you so fucking much.
Blue: You’ve got everything you need. Sully, your sponsor, and you’ll meet someone. Someone who can love you—
I didn’t want to read any more. The phone slipped from my fingers and dropped to my lap. I covered my face with my hands, gulped a breath, and sobbed through my tears.
Minutes felt like an eternity. Blue wouldn’t want me asking for help, but I could barely handle making toast. He wasn’t giving me a choice. I couldn’t call Sully, or any of the crew. There was only one Heller I could trust. I needed Cruz. Talking to anyone else would feel like a betrayal. Cruz had already proven his loyalty to Blue.
Only I didn’t know how to contact him. He rented a room at the MC, and I was banned from the clubhouse.
Fuck Blade. He could get over it.
I chewed my lip as I made a call. I hardly knew Ansel, but he’d said if I needed anything, to call. He answered right away.
“I don’t have any money for an Uber.” I hiccupped on my tears. “I need a ride.” I prayed he didn’t ask a lot of questions because I couldn’t answer without crying.
“I’ll be there in five minutes.”
“Thank you.” I barely breathed the words. I scrambled into Blue’s room, fished through his laundry, grabbed his hoodie, and pulled it on. The soft fleece carried his scent. A fresh wash of tears filled my eyes. I brought the fabric to my nose, inhaled him, then rushed out of the house, locked the door, and jogged to the curb to wait for Ansel.
This was a sick and familiar feeling twisting in my gut, waiting for a ride, usually to go score black. Headlights rounded the corner. I bounced from one foot to the other, and didn’t wait for the car to come to a stop before jumping in.
“Thank you,” I said as Ansel pulled away from the curb. “I don’t really have anyone I could call.” I stared into the darkness outside the passenger window. “I don’t have any friends anymore.”
“Where am I going?” The glow from the dash illuminated his face .
“The old Saint Mary’s catholic church. The Heller Raiders MC.” I took out my phone. “I don’t know the address, but I can find it.”
“Kiss, I’ve been running the NA meetings at the community center for six years. I know about the Heller Raiders. I know you have some affiliation with them since the gentleman who came with you the other day had their patches on his leather vest.”
“My boyfriend is a Heller.” I had told him about Blue today, about how he’d bring me to the meeting.
Ansel exhaled a heavy sigh. “It’s best to surround yourself with people who have your same goals.” He curled his fingers around the steering wheel. “We call it finding sober living activities.”
I nodded as I sent a text to Jazzy. In a couple minutes, we’d be at the gate, but I needed inside the club.
Kiss: I’m coming to the MC. Are you there?
I tapped my fingers against the edge of my phone and waited for her reply. As we rounded the corner of the church, my anxiety redlined. I still hadn’t heard back from Jazzy.
Ansel pulled along the curb.
“This is a time to be selfish, Kiss.” He glanced at the ten-foot fence and razor wire.
Kiss: I’m here.
Jazzy still hadn’t responded.
A bike roared up to the code box. I didn’t recognize the biker, but I didn’t care.
“I know. Thank you for the ride.” I tugged on the handle and vaulted from the vehicle.
“Will I see you tomorrow at the meeting? ”
I heard his question as I closed the door, but I didn’t have time to reply. I ran past the motorcycle, through the gate, and headed toward the entrance to the church.
Adrenaline flowed through me. What if Blade forced me to leave before I could talk to Cruz? I glimpsed Sully’s custom paint job, and a sliver of relief cut through the worry that if Cruz wasn’t here I’d be too late for Blue.
Hellers gathered around the oil drum. I rushed by them, shoved open the door, and hurried into the chapel. The familiar scents of cigarettes and exhaust saturated the air.
I scanned the room, anxiety curdling in my gut, and spotted Blade sitting at the same table where his father used to lord over his club. Our gazes connected, and he rose to his feet.
Breath froze in my lungs. Crawlers. Panic slipped through my thoughts. I was so fucked. Blade shared a table with two guys. Last time I saw them their snake and skull patch proclaimed them enemies of the Hellers. They were soldiers for Wrench.
Blade said something to the table then stormed across the room. I braced for his wrath, for him to escort me out of the club, but he pulled me into his arms.
“What’s wrong?” His softly spoken words had tears filling my eyes.
“Those guys—” I trembled, both with fear for Blue, and a selfish fear of discovery. Oh god, he’d know I’d fucked up again.
“Take a breath,” he said. “We can talk about Kodiak and Vega later. Where’s Blue?”
I pushed on his chest and stepped out of his arms. This wasn’t the response I expected coming into the club. Blue wouldn’t have lied to me, not about this. No doubt, I was barred from the club. But maybe I wouldn’t have to be alone in this. “I need to talk to Cruz.”
“Talk to me first.”
Sully ambled over. “Hi, peanut, what’s going on?”
I shook my head. I didn’t need a crowd of gawkers with their curious stares.
“Take her to the office.” Rogue’s rough voice brooked no argument. “I’ll get Cruz.”
“Hurry,” I said to Rogue. “Please.”
“You need me, you come get me.” Sully stepped away.
The man was perceptive, and I could feel the trust he’d given me. Not only letting me stay in his house, but trusting me with Jazzy’s car, and now, understanding that I wouldn’t be here unless I was desperate. He went back to the card game, and I went to the office, alone with Blade.
Whispers followed me as I followed Blade.
“I know you don’t want me here,” I said to him. “I don’t plan to stay. I just need to talk to Cruz.” I took big steps to keep up with him. “Alone.”
He turned to me once we were in the office. “You know how this works, Kiss? If Blue’s in trouble, you need to start talking. Last time you were involved, he nearly lost his life.”
My stomach twisted like I was on the verge of losing control and crashing into a wall at a hundred miles per hour. I could feel the tension, the speed, and the inevitable conclusion.
“God, could you just trust me for once? I know I’ve fucked up. Please, I don’t want to fight with you. I just need to talk to Cruz.”
Rogue stormed down the hall. Cruz was a step behind him. Oh, no. Bullet was with them .
Cruz cut in front of Blade. “Where’s Blue?”
Fat tears rolled down my cheeks. “I need to talk to you alone.”
“I’ll trust you, Kiss.” Blade rolled his shoulders in frustration. “This better not have a fucking thing to do with my club.”
“I promise. It doesn’t. I can leave.” I glanced to Cruz. “Can I talk to you outside?”
“You can talk in here.” Blade nodded to Rogue as he left, and Bullet shut the door.
“Alone,” I said.
“Is this about the dead dealer?”
Both Cruz and I spun toward Rogue.
“Listen you little fucks,” he said. “I told Blue, and I’m telling you, both of you, that you don’t take on shit alone.”
Bullet leaned against the door. “Are you in trouble again?” he asked me.
I shook my head. Blue could hate me, but I needed help. “But Blue is.”
“What kind of trouble?” Rogue lowered his voice and relaxed his shoulders. “Kiss, look at me. I told Blue, and I’m telling you, I got his back. You have to trust me, sweetheart.”
I tipped my head back, prayed I was wrong, and whispered the words I was terrified to say. “I’m afraid he’s going to hurt himself.”
“Fuck.” Rogue dragged his palm along his beard.
Bullet pushed away from the door, crossed in front of me, and rested his ass against the edge of the desk. “Kiss, you know how I feel about that kid. You need to let us help him. We know Blue’s going through some shit.” He leaned forward. “You’re not betraying him. You gotta tell us what’s going on with him. Did you two have a fight?”
I shook my head, sniffed snot, and wiped my tears. “He won’t talk to me. He rode off about twenty minutes ago. He’s in a dark place, Bullet. He thinks I’d be better off without him.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.” Cruz paced across the room. “We were hitting trap houses, looking for you,” he said to me, then turned to Rogue. “Bruh, he was obsessed. Nothing mattered but Kiss. I was with him earlier tonight. He was good. Going home to you,” he said as he glanced over his shoulder at me.
Another wave of emotion washed over me. He’d come home to me and felt pressured into something he wasn’t ready for.
“Do you know where he’d go?” Rogue asked Cruz. “You said you were hitting drug houses. Is he using?”
“Fuck, no.”
“Don’t fucking lie to me.” Rogue’s clipped tone sent a nervous ripple over my flesh. I wouldn’t lie to him. Neither would Cruz if he didn’t want Rogue squashing him like a bug. “You two are double trouble,” he finished.
“Yeah, but not that shit. You know Blue. A blunt and maybe a few too many beers, and he’s good. We were looking for you,” Cruz said to me, burying me under another layer of guilt.
“I think I know where he went,” I said. “But I don’t know how to get there. I’ve only been once.” I rushed on, telling them what I remembered of the ride. “It was night, so I couldn’t see where we were going, but Blue goes there when he gets dark. It’s isolated. An old flour mill.”
Rogue jerked his gaze to Bullet .
“Do you know the place?” I asked. “Please tell me you know where he is.”
“Let’s go.” Bullet pushed away from the desk.
“No,” I snapped. “He’s in a bad place. He’ll hate that I came to you. But I think he’ll talk to you,” I said to Cruz. “He wouldn’t want Hellers rushing in.”
“We all go.” Rogue pulled his keys from his pocket. “If Blue—”
“No. Listen to me. Blue…” I couldn’t tell them Blue’s secrets. I’d only be guessing, but I knew I was right. Someone hurt Blue. If Blue did…something bad, something permanent, if he hurt himself, then it wouldn’t matter. We’d be too late. But I couldn’t think those kinds of thoughts. He’d be okay. “Blue wouldn’t want all of us to come after him. Cruz, can you just go?”
“You know I’ll do anything for him. I got you, Kiss. Whatever you need.”
“There’s a ladder on the backside of a building near some silos. If he’s there, he’ll be on the roof.” If all three rode in, he might jump.
Thinking of losing him had bile climbing into my throat and fear like I’ve never known squeezing my chest. Damn him. I should have tried harder, found a way to keep him from leaving. I could only pray now. Pray he hadn’t done something stupid. Pray he’d talk to Cruz. Pray he’d come back to me.
Because I was lost without him.
“Go,” Bullet said to Cruz. “Old Post Highway, about mile marker twenty-two. There’s nothing out that way but farms and boarded up businesses.”
Cruz jetted from the room, and I ran after him, into the parking lot, and stood by his bike as he started the engine.
“Get my number from McKelle,” he said .
I nodded, and he sprayed gravel as he rode out of the parking lot.
Rogue and Bullet came up beside me.
“We’ll find him,” Bullet said, then headed for his bike.
“He’s going over to Indulgence just in case Blue shows up there. Let’s take a walk.”
“I need to talk to McKelle, but I don’t know who she is.”
“She’s inside, but we need to talk first.”
Rogue walked away from the oil drum. I fell into step beside him. “Is Blade going to make me leave? I know you all voted to ban me from the club.”
Blade would have to ban me permanently, and Rogue would kill me if they knew I’d betrayed them to the Crawlers.
“Do you think you can handle being here? You won’t find black, but Romeo still has his weed, Kodiak enjoys a line of coke, and the girls all get drunk on the weekends.”
Just hearing the name Kodiak had my heart pounding hard enough to break out of my chest.
“The MC isn’t dealing in heroin, guns, or stolen parts anymore,” he continued, “but Hellers are always going to find trouble.”
“You mean, trouble will find you.”
His lips twitched. I’d say it was almost a smile. “Something like that.” He lit a cigarette as we walked.
“Kodiak and Vega?” How did I approach the topic and not incriminate myself? Or maybe it was time I accepted all my punishments.
“Former Crawlers. Bullet brought them in.”
I sucked my lower lip into my mouth, afraid to say more .
Rogue’s tattooed arms flexed with muscle just from walking and smoking a cigarette. He could strangle me with one of his massive hands or squish me like a bug beneath his huge boot.
“At some point, you’re going to need to talk to Blade. This is his club. You want back in, you need to tell him about the shit that went down with the Crawlers.”
I lifted my gaze to his. “You know?”
“Stay off the dope, and we can fix the rest. Not everyone was a no vote on you coming back to the club.”
“Really? Who voted for me to stay? Did you?”
“I’m not giving you names. All you need to know is that everyone in that room voted because they got love for you.” He blew a stream of smoke from his nostrils. “And they got love for Blue. Between me and you, what the fuck is going on with him?”
I stared at the ground.
“Dammit, Kiss. He hasn’t been the same since you and him started hooking up. Knock off the bullshit. Blue has changed. He doesn’t laugh anymore. Seven nights out of the week, you could find him here with Hana, Jazzy, and the girls. Now, he’s never around. Now, he’s got Cruz breaking every traffic law to get to him before he does something stupid. Now, he’s leaving dead drug dealers in bathtubs, punching holes in bathrooms, and this is just the shit I know about.”
With each word he spoke, his voice grew louder.
“Give me a reason to trust you,” he demanded. “Because all I got right now is a kid sinking fast, and you have a history of doing the same.”
I pivoted away from him, but before I could run, Rogue gripped my shoulder.
“Prove me wrong,” he said .
I jerked free of his grasp. “I’m not bad for Blue.” God, I was getting tired of the tears. My eyes stung. “I’m fighting for him. I’m fighting for me.”
I could tell him that Blue and I weren’t hooking up. Our sex life was none of his business. Blue’s fears weren’t a weakness, but he’d see them that way. Hellers bragged about their pursuits of pleasure, bikes, and pussy.
“I don’t know what’s going on with Blue,” I said. “He doesn’t talk about his past, or his family, or his feelings. I thought Dozer was closed off. Blue’s a fucking fortress. You’re his Heller brother. But you told him the one person he’s connected to can’t come to the one place where he felt he belonged.” I spat the word as if it tasted bitter. “Bullet is supposed to be one of his best friends and a mentor. He would’ve done anything for Bullet, and Bullet shit on him the first time he put someone above the club. Me.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Yes, it is. Blame me if it makes you feel better. Right now, I’m blaming myself.”
Blue didn’t change because of me, but being with me exposed the cracks he never wanted anyone to see. If something happened to him, I’d never forgive myself.
“I’m not blaming you.” Rogue rested a hand on my shoulder. “We’re both worried about Blue. It’s good to see you have a bit of fire in you.”
He directed me back toward the entrance to the club. Once inside, he led me up to the pool table. A blonde girl leaned over the edge and hit the last ball into the corner pocket, then picked up a ten-dollar bill off the rail cushion.
When she spotted me, she handed her stick to Murph. Then she stepped down the few steps .
“McKelle, this is Kiss. Maybe you could take her somewhere private.”
“Come on,” she said. “We’ll go to Blue’s room. Cruz’s is a mess.”
Before I could follow McKelle, Rogue pulled me against him. “You come find me if you hear anything, if you think of any other place he could be, or if you just want to sit out here with me.”
I nodded with my face pressed against the warm, cigarette scented flannel covering his massive chest. “Tell me if you hear something. Please don’t hide anything from me because you’re afraid I can’t handle it.” I lifted my gaze to his. “I can handle anything but lies.”
“Same goes for you. I better not find out you’re keeping shit from me.”
I stiffened and took a step back. “That’s not the same thing.”
“Kiss—”
“No.” I repeated Blue’s words to me. “I promise not to lie to you. But I’m not going to tell you anything that isn’t your business.”
He growled, and McKelle linked her arm with mine.
“Fight later,” she said. “Don’t ask her to betray Blue. Good luck to anyone who would try to get information on you out of Jazzy. At least Kiss isn’t threatening to cut off your balls. Jazzy would already have them fisted in her palm.”
She didn’t wait for his reply. The temperature in the club had cooled. Hellers might not know what was going on, but I suspected they blamed me.
Blue wasn’t here, and I wasn’t supposed to be.