Chapter Thirteen
Blue
Crushing the side of an empty soda can I’d found on the ground, I created a flattened center with my thumb. Then I used my knife to punch holes into the indentation, and also a vent on the side. Finally, I piled a bud with some shake over the holes, positioned the end of the can to my mouth, held my lighter to the weed, and inhaled the first scorching hot hit.
The pungent scent hit my nostrils at the same time as the toxic smoke filled my lungs. I propped my phone against a chunk of broken brick wall with the screen open on a photo I’d taken of Kiss before the night at Indulgence, before her relapse, before she’d told me she loved me.
But not before I knew I loved her.
Another hit from the can had the weed glowing red, curdling, and turning to ash. Just like my fucking life.
I leaned my head against the brick wall and exhaled smoke. My throat burned from the heat. I lifted a bottle of whiskey to my lips and sent the burn deep into my gut.
“You’re a fucking asshole.”
Lifting my eyelids and focusing on the voice took a herculean effort. Fuck. Maybe I was finally drunk enough that my conscience sounded like a pissed off Cruz. I was a fucking asshole.
“You don’t have to jump. I’m going to throw your ass over.”
Definitely my conscience. That was the problem. I hated all the memories. Every fucking day, the same sick shit staining every possible good thing in my life. I couldn’t take this, not for the rest of my life. Unless someone lived in hell, they couldn’t understand the draw of finally getting the hurt to stop. A permanent solution for a permanent problem.
I tipped the bottle to my lips and swallowed two more gulps, wincing as the liquid seared along my throat, heated my chest, and pushed me one step closer to the fucking mental edge.
My entire life was a list of reasons to jump.
“Kiss is out of her head worrying about you.”
My conscience needed to shut the fuck up. I reached over, tapped the screen on my phone, and brought up her image again. Those blue eyes, a mouth made for kissing, and a body that had blood rushing to my dick. “You’re a fucking traitor,” I told my dick.
“I’m your friend. And you’re fucking up. She’s a recovering addict. Why the fuck would you do this to her?”
“I know. I fucking hurt her. But if I keep breaking down, she’s going to have questions. She’s going to find out about Carl. I fucking let it happen.”
Footfalls crunched as they came closer. I was hearing shit now. No one knew of this place but Kiss. I lifted the can, but the bud must have rolled off. “Fuck.” Wait, I had more. I patted my cut, reached into the inside pocket, and pulled out the baggie. Once I’d pinched off another bud, I tried to focus on the can .
“Blue, you need to call Kiss?”
“Cruz? Fuck, dude, where the fuck did you come from?”
“Who the fuck did you think you were talking to?”
I chuckled, but it wasn’t a good time laugh. Just an incredulous sound of defeat. “My conscience.”
“How fucked up are you?” A hand reached into my vision like a fucking ghost.
“Not fucked up enough. I’ll get there.” I picked up the bottle of whiskey. Cruz ripped it from my hand and hurled it over the edge.
“What the fuck?” I tried to get to my feet but stumbled and crashed to my knees.
I rolled over, grabbed the can, and my lighter.
Cruz reached for my phone.
“Don’t touch her.” All I had left were her pictures in my phone.
“Thank me later.” His thumbs moved across the screen, then he dropped the phone in my lap, sat next to me, and stretched his legs out in front of him. “What’s going on with you? Why are you alone getting high and drunk?”
My phone pinged. I flipped it over and read both the text Cruz sent and her instant reply.
Blue: I’m an asshole.
Kiss: Come home. Talk to me.
Cruz had his phone out. I glanced at the screen.
“Don’t text my girl,” I said.
“Fuck off.” He continued to type a message.
“I’m fucking serious,” I slurred. Cruz could give her what I couldn’t. “She’s mine. You fuck all your friends.”
“I haven’t fucked you.” His lips twitched. “Yet.”
I tried to focus on his face. “You can’t fuck me. I haven’t fucked Kiss. Definitely can’t get it up for you. ”
“I’m going to ignore everything you just said. Load the bowl.” He handed me the can. “We’re going to be up here awhile and unless you want Rogue and Bullet to join the party, I need to let them know I’ve found you. And you’re not fucking dead. By the way, you have some explaining to do about how Bullet and Rogue know about Sam.”
Cruz slipped his phone into his pocket.
I put the flame to the bud, took a hit, and passed it to Cruz. He drew in a long inhale. “Who’s Carl?” he asked as he held his breath.
I was smoked if I couldn’t remember saying the name that was never supposed to be spoken. I leaned back against the wall and pulled up another picture of Kiss.
“I’m the last person you’d want as your conscience, Blue, but I am your friend. Anything you tell me, I’ll take to the fucking grave.”
“Are you close to your family?” I asked.
He blew a stream of smoke into the night. “Nope. I’m a bad influence on my siblings. When I was sixteen, Davis, my mom’s husband, moved my shit to the shed in the backyard. I wasn’t allowed in the house. He’s a cop and gets off on the power of having a gun.”
Cruz laughed. “I’d piss on my mom’s garden. I hope he enjoyed his fucking salads.” He flipped a small stone across the roof. “They kicked me out of the house, by house, I mean the shed, a couple weeks before my high school graduation.”
“You lived in a shed for two years?”
“Better than the alternative of living with that douche. Once I was eighteen, his legal obligations were done. I think it pissed him off that I graduated with honors. He can call me a fuckup, but he can’t call me stupid. My little sisters, Mae and Lea, were six and eight. Mae cried when I left. I have a little brother, but he was two. I doubt he remembers me.” He turned to me. “How about you?”
“I have a sister.” But I hated thinking about her. I’d heard she’d married Jalen. He’d been my best friend. It wasn’t enough that she was named after Carl, now Cara carried his last name, too. Cara Douglas. “We don’t talk. We don’t have anything left to say to each other. My parents are glad she’s an only child. I’m disowned, and they’re dead to me.”
Cruz pulled his legs toward his chest and draped his wrists over his knees. “My stepdad would beat me with the belt.” He took another pull off the can, held his breath for a moment, and exhaled. “Not that I didn’t deserve punishment. Pretty sure my mom knew. I think that makes it more fucked up. She knew and didn’t do shit. That makes her just as responsible.”
I stared into the night, and Cruz kept talking.
“I’m not going to deny I was a rebellious teenager. But she was a shit mother. She was all I had. I’ve got no idea who my father is. I don’t think he knows I exist. I was just a kid, and she chose a guy who hated her only child, married him, and got the family she always wanted.” He shrugged. “Except I didn’t fit in.” He handed me the can and stared hard into my face. “The most fucked up part…I still love my mom.”
Silence filled the space between us. It was my turn to share, but I couldn’t force the words from my mouth. I’d never told anyone…that wasn’t true. I told my sister.
And she’d called me a liar. Cara had planned her life as a Douglas since she’d grown tits, and Jalen had noticed. She was a selfish bitch. I couldn’t think of any other reason she’d have run to Mom. She didn’t throw me under the bus. She was the fucking bus driver.
I was a liar, sent to a therapist who claimed I made accusations to get attention, and forced to admit I’d made the story up.
My mother had to have told him. After Carl found out, I never said anything again. He made sure I understood the consequences. For the next two years, I became a willing participant. What was the point of resisting? That’s when he started making videos.
“Blue?” I turned to Cruz and realized tears soaked my face. “Who is Carl?”
He knew. All this sharing was to get me to confess. “My father’s best friend, my best friend’s father, and now my sister’s father-in-law.” A fucking albatross around my neck coiling tighter and tighter until I couldn’t fucking breathe.
Reaching over, he grabbed my phone, tapped the screen to wake it up, and held the screensaver up to my face. Kiss. My girl.
More tears blurred my vision.
“Is she worth your secrets? If you can’t tell me, you need to tell her.”
I took my phone and ran my finger along the curve of her face.
“Nothing you tell her is going to change how she feels about you.” Cruz leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. “Don’t talk. Just listen. There’s only one way to get rid of the skeleton in your closet. You bury him six feet deep.” He kept talking to me with his eyes closed. “The only details I need are when and where. And that we make the punishment fit the crime.”
All I could do was nod. I wasn’t sure if the slip of intoxication in my veins was from the weed, the whiskey, or the prospect of finally confronting Carl, to have him look in my vengeful eyes, so that I could see the fear in his.
Cruz’s lazy gaze drifted to mine. “Fuck, dude, we’re going to be up here awhile. No way am I climbing down that ladder this high.”
A few minutes later, Cruz was asleep sitting up. A bit of drool trickled from his mouth. I snapped a picture because the next time I felt like jumping I wanted to remember that tonight he saved my life.
***
Should I be riding my bike? Probably not. I’d lost my high. And my tolerance to alcohol would have me feeling sober even if I wasn’t. While Cruz had slept, I’d thought about what I’d say to Kiss. Nothing was going to make what I had to say easier to hear.
As I rode staggered a half car length behind Cruz, I considered what he’d said. If I had the chance to confront Carl, would I? Fuck, yes, I would. And I’d make sure I left him to live in fear.
The HRMC compound was quiet as we parked. There were only a couple of bikes parked close to the doors. Embers smoldered inside the oil drum. Relief swam through my blood. There were only a few people who knew I’d lost my shit tonight. I didn’t want to introduce anyone else to my drama.
“You good?” Cruz asked as we headed into the chapel.
“I will be if she’s here.” I sent her a text before we’d ridden away from the flour mill, but she hadn’t answered. She’d either be here or at home, and the MC was closer.
Inside the chapel, someone had left the light on above the bar, otherwise, the club was quiet. My footfalls echoed through the open room as I made my way to the rear of the church and down the hallway to Pike’s old room.
Cruz waited next to me, and I opened the door to the room. McKelle and Kiss slept on the bed. We exchanged a glance. Both girls were in oversized Heller T-shirts and panties. Obviously, my girl had found a friend to help her through the shit I’d pulled on her.
Kiss’s eyes snapped open. Instantly, she was off the bed, across the room, and in my arms. I gripped her ass, and her arms banded around my shoulders, her legs around my hips, and her face buried against my neck.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, breathing in her soft, sleepy warmth.
Cruz crossed the room, slid an arm under McKelle’s knees, wrapped one around her back, and lifted her. “See you in the morning.” He carried her out of the room. A moment later, his bedroom door closed.
I settled on the bed, keeping Kiss in my arms.
She inched away but didn’t speak. Her gentle fingers traced the angles of my face.
Moonlight seeped through the thin bedroom curtains. I’d hurt her. I brushed my fingers through her blonde bangs. Her gaze searched mine.
“I’m sorry.” I inhaled a steadying breath.
Then her mouth was on mine. A gentle reconnecting. She told me all I needed to know with the softest touch of her lips.
“When you’re ready to talk, I’m here to listen.”
I laced my fingers with hers. “Some shit you’re better off not knowing.”
“I don’t believe that. I think we’re stronger when we’re together. It’s like black has no power over me because I have you next to me. You make me stronger. You’ve got something black inside you, too. You’re letting it have power over you, just like I let black have power over me.”
She climbed off my lap. “Blade left the key to your room on the dresser. I can stay here with you.” She smiled and crawled up to the top of the bed. “I’m on probation.”
After I closed our bedroom door, I tucked the key into the side pocket of my cut, then shrugged out of it, and laid it on top of the dresser. I flipped my shirt up and off. “I should shower.”
“I don’t care if you’re dirty.” She pulled down the blanket.
I kicked off my boots and jeans then climbed in next to her. “What does probation mean?”
She scooched back, pressing her ass against my groin, my chest to her back. “I’m not sure, but I know I can be here in your room.”
I draped my arm over her hip, rested my hand on her belly, and pulled her closer. A heavy exhale vibrated through her, and the tension seemed to leave her body. Another apology poised on the tip of my tongue, but those weren’t the words that were going to fix this for us.
Kiss
The pungent scent of weed lingered in his hair and on his skin. And his kisses tasted of whiskey and regret. Knowing he reverted back to his vices to deal with his emotions hurt my heart. I understood. Relapse had been part of my addiction.
When he’d walked away, I’d proven to myself I was getting better. Did I want to use? Not like before. In the past, I would find excuses to use, now I hung onto reasons to stay clean. That didn’t mean it wasn’t a fight between my brain and my determination. Because it was. Every fucking minute of every fucking day. But I wasn’t in withdrawal, and the cravings weren’t as sharp, and they weren’t overpowering all reason and logic. I worked with my coping skills, and they always passed.
Tonight was a relapse for Blue. We’d kissed, he’d gone down on me, and I’d had the taste of him in my mouth. We’d come so far from the fear of even sitting too close together.
I covered his hand with mine, weaved our fingers, and shivered as he slipped our joined hands under my shirt.
I closed my eyes, so fucking relieved he was with me.
“Jalen was my best friend growing up.” He spoke slowly and softly, as if he wanted to be precise in the things he told me. “Really, my only friend. We were always together because our parents did everything together. Our moms were best friends. Our dads were in business together. That makes it sound like they used to be best friends. I assume they still are. My parents are going to be buried with them. We were together for holidays, birthdays, fucking Wednesdays, and every other fucking day of the year. When you’re ten years old, it’s great having your best friend around.”
I didn’t say anything, just grazed my nails gently along his arm, letting him know I was listening.
“Our parents share a lake house. We spent summers fishing and boating. As kids, it was the best.” He chuckled low and gruff. “Everything but my sister. She’s ten months older, and the same age as Jalen. I’m sure you can guess how that part of the story ended.”
“Did they end up together?”
“According to her social media, they got married.”
I didn’t ask, but obviously, the separation hurt if he’d checked in on her. His fingertips lingered on my quivering belly, then migrated higher causing my heart to flutter.
“I give zero fucks if her and Jalen are happy. I told them both to fuck off six years ago. In sixty years, it’ll be too soon to see her again.” His leg slid between mine, resting his thigh against the heat of my pussy. There was no mistaking this closeness for a sexual connection. Blue needed to touch me for security.
“They wouldn’t want to see me either.” His voice quieted. Tension thickened in the air. Blue’s hand pressed against the heat of my abdomen. A final breathy exhale warmed my flesh.
“The summer I turned ten was the first time Carl Douglas made me feel uncomfortable. At first, the touches seemed accidental, but I think instinct knows the scent of a predator. I was too young to know…too young to know that I had a reason to be scared. When I was eleven, he clamped his hand over my mouth to keep me from making any noise, and he rubbed himself against me until he shot his load.”
My throat tightened, but a terrorizing fear sizzled in every part of my body. I hurt for the little boy who must have been terrified, and for this man holding me, barely containing his rage. Blue’s tone sharpened, and his touch started to turn aggressive. I unfurled his fingers with mine and gently kissed the back of his hand.
He pressed a kiss to my shoulder and intentionally relaxed, softening against me .
“I’d hit a growth spurt in seventh grade. I was awkward with pimples and a big dick.” His voice rumbled into me. “When you’re twelve, you start to rack up currency for your spank bank. Jalen was getting off on my sister while I was rubbing one out to the girls on the soccer team.”
“Should I be jealous?”
“No worries, baby. I’ve been fucking my fist to thoughts of you for the last six months. I’m only into one blonde ball handler.” He wrapped me into his arms, holding me for several long minutes. I could feel the trembling in his body. The moment of levity hadn’t diminished the seriousness of the quietly spoken secrets.
“Can I tell you everything?” he whispered against my ear.
I gave an almost imperceptible nod.
“I’m scared, Kiss.”
“Of telling me?” My voice was a whisper between us.
“I don’t want the fucked up shit in my past to change how you see me.”
For a moment, he just breathed. I understood what he was going through. My life felt so out of control because my past had put me on a collision course with a future I couldn’t escape. The only thing to do was hit the brakes.
I nudged closer to him. “This is when you trust me, Blue.” The way I’d trusted him with my darkest truths.
“I was twelve the first time he jacked me off.”
I stilled, my breath growing shallow.
“That was just the first time. And only the beginning. It didn’t take long before he tried to get me to kiss him. When I turned my head, he held me down. He fucking sucked on my lips. I refused to open my mouth. He even tried cutting off my breath to force my mouth open. Sometimes, I can still smell the stench of his breath burned into my nostrils.”
My heart thudded with an empty ache.
“He found ways to break me. He fucked with my head, telling me it was my fault he was attracted to me. He had me, Kiss. I was so fucking scared someone would find out. Carl and my dad are like brothers. They’re in business together. My dad has brains, but Carl has capital.”
He twirled a lock of my hair around his finger. “One day, we were alone at the lake house. I fucking hate everything about the lake. That’s where he ruined my life. He’d convinced my dad that lake swimming would build my strength. I had height, but not the muscle mass. Carl was a division one swimmer at Stanford. He said I had talent but no chance at a scholarship without his help. Swimming created opportunity for Carl to get me alone.”
He grew still behind me.
“In the beginning, I was so fucking afraid of him. The longer time went on, the more fucking brazen he became. He’d suck me off, then threaten to destroy my family if I didn’t blow him. I fucking believed him. But he made sure I wouldn’t talk. I can never say shit about what happened.” He gripped me hard. Tears dripped onto my neck where he buried his face. I closed my eyes as my own tears soaked my cheeks.
“He has receipts, Kiss. He took photos and videos. But just of me with his dick in my fucking mouth. Nothing of what he did to me. Are you ready for the sick fucking part?”
How much more did he have to suffer ?
“When I was fifteen, I told my sister. She called me a liar. Not only did she turn on me, but my parents didn’t believe me either. They found a fucking therapist who told them I was trying to get attention. The worst part, Cara told Jalen. I lost my best friend. Of course, he told his dad. We had a big family meeting.”
“What the fuck is wrong with your parents?” Mothers were supposed to protect their children, and fathers were supposed to fight for them.
Blue’s voice became a whisper. “The cost of believing me was too high. Nothing was ever the same after that. No one was going to do anything about it, and Carl knew it. Instead of taking me to train for swimming, he took me to hotels. The real fucking nightmare began, and I didn’t know how to fight him. So, I didn’t.”
No wonder he had issues with physical touch. The two people who should’ve protected him sacrificed him to a monster instead.
I rolled over and stared into his face. Tears blurred my vision, trickled onto my lips, and soaked into the pillow. Every word had me drowning in empathy, but nothing I could say would fix this. “I’m so sorry.”
“I’m not a virgin, Kiss. Carl took all my firsts.”
More tears filled my eyes. “He stole your innocence, but he doesn’t get all your firsts.”
He wiped my cheek with his thumb. “There’s nothing left, baby.”
I leaned up and stared at him. So beautiful, and those blue eyes. Muted light from the moon cut across the smooth hills and valleys of his torso.
“Look at me.” I lowered my voice, making him focus on my face and lips to hear me. “I want to be the only one who touches you.” I softly kissed his lips. “I want to be the first thing you see every morning when you wake up beside me.” I kissed his sternum. “I want to be your first.”
I brushed my lips over his flat, muscle-honed belly. “I’m the first woman you tasted, the first woman you kissed, the first—” I lifted my gaze to his. “I’ll be the first—the only woman you’ll be inside of. I want to be your first love.”
He rose up and cradled my cheek in his palm. “Fuck, Kiss. I started falling in love with you the first time you walked into Indulgence. I’m still falling.”
He brought my lips to his. I kept my hands braced on the bed, afraid to touch him, afraid to trigger something dark. But the kiss… The kiss was lips and tongue, a spiral of heat and trust weaving between us. When we parted, we sank back beneath the covers. A hesitant smile curved his lips.
“Say something, please,” he said.
I combed his bangs from his face with my fingertips. I had too many questions, and all of them would hurt Blue. I wanted to know when it ended. Did he run away? Would he ever confront Carl if he had the chance? But none of those questions would change tonight.
This was us.
“I love you, Blue. If I promise not to leave, you have to promise you’ll stay. Don’t go… Don’t go back to the roof.”
He made me the little spoon, closing in close behind me. “I wish we could just get on my motorcycle and ride forever.”
“No one can tell us we can’t.”
** *
Sunlight seeped through the thin curtains. The room was quiet with the exception of Blue’s soft snores behind me. I held perfectly still, afraid to wake him. Not only was the heat of his body seeping into me, but the steely length of his morning erection pressed against my ass.
My breaths came in fluttering puffs as my heart hiccupped into a crazy tempo. Almost as if every cell in my body tuned into the slightest shift of his hips.
Holy shit. His arm curled against my belly and pulled me closer. I pretended to sleep, not wanting to break the spell between us. But I couldn’t stop the involuntary change in my breath or the wetness building between my legs. His hips aligned with mine, but he wasn’t grinding against me, just pressing closer. And his dick was softening.
I stretched, pretending to slowly wake, although I suspected he knew I wasn’t still sleeping. Then I pivoted, facing him.
“Hi,” I whispered. We’d spent the night together before, but never like this.
A half-smile curved his lips. He traced my face with his fingertips. “I thought this morning would be different.”
My brows pinched.
“I thought…” He turned onto his back and sank his fingers into his hair, pushing his long bangs from his face.
I leaned onto his chest. “You thought because you told me your secret, you’d magically be able to forget all the fucked up shit he did to you?”
“No, but I thought I’d be able to fuck my girlfriend.”
“I felt you this morning.” I lifted my gaze to his. “Pressed against me and then you went soft. Is that what usually happens? ”
“I’m hard until I can do something about it.” He sat up in bed.
“You can’t rush your recovery,” I said, repeating the phrase that had become a mantra for us, and smiled.
Blue leaned over the bed and grabbed his phone off the floor. “And neither can you. We gotta go. Your meeting is in less than an hour.”