Bluebird Gold

Chapter 21 Ilsa

Ilsa

Never in my life had I been quite so aware that I wasn’t wearing pants. Or underwear.

As Cosi shut the door—a little too hard—I wiggled out of Troy’s hug and pulled down the hem of his flannel to make sure it was covering my bare ass. “What are you doing here?”

“Me?” Troy jerked away at the accusation in my tone.

“You’re asking me what I’m doing here? What are you doing here?

” He pointed to the floor where the snow clumps on his boots were already melting on the tile.

“I went to the cabin. Your car was full of junk and the tires were slashed. The house was dark, and I’ve been calling you for over a week. What the fuck is going on, Ilsa?”

Shit. With Troy’s rising voice, irritation radiated off Cosi’s frame in hot waves.

“There’s a lot to talk about,” I told Troy. “Let’s get away from the door. Come in.”

Troy frowned but trailed behind me to the living room.

I expected Cosi to join us, but no. He stood in the entryway, his arms crossed and legs planted wide. Stubborn. Why was I even surprised?

“Give us a minute,” I told Troy, turning on an end table lamp, then motioned to the couch. “Please, have a seat.”

Did he move? No. Neither did Cosi. These two weren’t going to make this any less awkward, were they?

“Fine.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Don’t sit.”

“What is going on, Ilsa?” Troy planted his hands on his hips, his voice rising.

I shot him a scowl. “Not so loud. Cosi’s son is asleep down the hall. Would you just sit down? Give me sixty seconds to pull on some pants, and I’ll explain.”

Still, nothing.

“Please.” I clasped my hands together.

His nostrils flared, but finally, he moved to the maroon recliner, sitting on its edge.

“Thank you.” I turned toward Cosi and found his hazel eyes waiting. After giving him my best pleading look, I walked to the hall, hoping I’d hear his footsteps behind me. Except when I made it to his bedroom, I was alone.

My growl filled the room. This could not be more uncomfortable.

How did Troy even know where to find me? I was missing whatever had happened on the other end of that phone call.

My stomach knotted as I snatched my panties from the floor. The scent of sex still lingered in the air. The bed was rumpled and pillows strewn. My hair was wet. Cosi’s hair was wet. Troy was a smart man and had no doubt realized there was a reason Cosi and I were both half clothed.

Not that it was any of his business. I was a single woman with every right to enjoy earth-shattering sex with a single man. But I still felt a little guilty for not letting him know where I was staying.

Cosi came into the bedroom, closing the door behind him. “Who is that, Ilsa?”

“Troy. He’s a friend from Phoenix,” I said, searching the floor for my pants. “I had no idea he was coming up here.”

Well, sort of. He’d mentioned a trip, but I’d assumed after many, many instances of me telling Troy not to come to Montana, of me not answering his calls on Sundays, he would have gotten the hint. Apparently not.

“I’m sorry. I’ll take him . . .” Where? Where the hell could we go?

Earlier tonight, when we’d been sitting at the kitchen table, I’d had a momentary thought of how lucky I was that the Dalton motel was closed until March. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. I wouldn’t have started this thing with Cosi.

But now there was no place for Troy to stay. No place for us to have a private conversation except Cosi’s living room. It was late and the café wasn’t open. But we could go to Trick’s.

I wouldn’t mind a drink for this conversation.

“We’ll go talk at the bar. That way you and Spencer can sleep,” I said.

Cosi scoffed, planting his hands on his hips. “You are not going to the bar.”

“Then where should I go? I can’t just send him away.”

“Why not?”

I gave him a flat look. “Cosi.”

“Ilsa.”

I stepped into my pants, pulling them on too fast, my fingers fumbling with the zipper before I finally managed to drag it up and fasten the button. “What do I do?”

Cosi glowered for a moment, then sighed. “He can crash on the couch.”

I walked over, putting my hands on his waist as I stood on my toes to kiss the underside of his jaw. “Thank you.”

“I don’t like this.”

“I’m not happy about it either.” I patted his washboard stomach, then returned to the living room, sitting on the couch to face Troy.

We stared at each other for a few long moments, the silence stretching between us.

He looked tired, with dark circles under his eyes and genuine concern on his face.

“I’m sorry for making you worry,” I said.

“Don’t ever do that to me again.” He scowled, but it softened after a heartbeat. “Hi.”

“Hi.” I smiled. “I can’t believe you drove all the way up here.”

He shrugged, the stiffness in his frame relaxing. “I needed to see you. Make sure you were okay. That we were okay. I miss you, sweetheart.”

Once upon a time, I’d lived to hear him call me sweetheart. But now it felt too intimate, too far past the line of friendship we’d never crossed.

Because we were only meant to be friends. It was the reason Troy and I hadn’t found a way to be together. Timing and circumstance were simply my favorite excuses.

I’d come to Montana to let him go. One look at his face, and I knew, any feelings I’d harbored for Troy were long, long gone.

Now we could simply be the friends we’d been for years.

“I missed you too.”

His gaze softened and he stood from the chair, moving to sit next to me on the couch. He put an arm around my shoulders, hauling me into his side for a hug. “What the hell is going on?”

“Oh, well, that’s a long story.”

“I drove for two days to get here. Let’s hear it.”

I blew out a long breath and groaned. Then I shifted out of his embrace, curling into the corner of the couch with my knees drawn up to my chest as I told him everything that had been happening at the cabin.

When I was finished, he tore off his glasses to rub his eyes. “So Cosi went out there and found the place trashed?”

“Yes.” I didn’t like the way he said Cosi’s name with a sneer.

“Are you sure he didn’t trash the cabin himself to force you to stay with him?”

Wait. What? Had he just said that? “Excuse me?”

“It’s rather convenient, isn’t it?”

“Oh my God.” I shook my head, struggling to believe this was happening. “After everything I just told you, your first response is to accuse Cosi? Are you kidding?”

“Like I said, it’s rather convenient.”

“Stop it, Troy,” I snapped, standing from the couch, too pissed off to sit beside him. He sure as hell wasn’t going to stay here tonight. Not after this. “He’s the sheriff. He’s a good man. How dare you say otherwise. You don’t know him.”

“Do you?”

“I know what counts. I know he let a man into his home tonight who just accused him of a crime. Rather than question his integrity, you should be more worried about your own.”

Troy flinched. “You’re right. I’m sorry. This is . . . it’s been a long day. A long trip. And this is a lot to take in.”

The vandalism? The fire? Or Cosi and me? I didn’t ask. He could figure that out on his own.

“You can’t go back to that cabin, Ilsa.”

“That’s my decision to make. And I will have to go back eventually.” Just not yet. Avoiding the cabin for a few days should soothe the frustration and heartbreak about the vandalism, but sooner or later, I’d face the mess. “I’m not going to leave it like that.”

“Then I’ll help. That’s what I came up here to do.

I’ll go out there tomorrow and start cleaning while you’re at school.

When you’re done, we can work together. Might mean a few long nights, but I bet by the end of the week, we could have it all empty and ready to sell. Do you have a realtor you could call?”

“No, I don’t.” Even if it was clean, I wasn’t letting it go, not yet. Troy didn’t get to dictate my timeline.

But that was Troy. He pushed and pushed and pushed for what was most convenient for him.

Did I like his favorite martini bar? Not really. But that’s where we always went. Did we ever have dinner at a restaurant on my side of town? No. We’d go to a place close to his house or firm because I was only a teacher, and he didn’t have the time to drive.

“I’m not ready to sell the cabin yet,” I told him.

“Why not? I get that winter isn’t the most ideal time to list a house, but the sooner you can come home, the better.”

It was my fault that he still thought I was coming back. A mistake I’d remedy tonight. “I’m not moving back to Phoenix.”

His forehead furrowed. “What are you talking about? Of course you’re coming home.”

“I don’t want to live there anymore.”

“You can’t be serious. Instead, you’re going to stay in Dalton?” Another word he said with a sneer.

“No, I’m not—I don’t know what’s next yet, Troy.”

A week ago, I would have sworn that Dalton was only a temporary stop. Now? I wasn’t so sure. I hadn’t really given this town a chance.

Maybe if I wasn’t planning my exit, I’d remember why I’d loved this town when I was a girl. I’d see all the reasons Dad had chosen to stay in Montana.

“Ilsa, where is all of this coming from?” Troy stood, rounding the coffee table to pace in front of the TV. “It’s this guy you’re tangled up with, isn’t it?”

Troy was searching for a villain, and he’d chosen Cosi.

“It’s not about him. I left Phoenix knowing I wasn’t coming back.”

He stopped walking. “You never told me that. Why? What is going on?”

I almost gave him a vague answer about needing a change of scenery or trying out a new city.

But it was time for the truth. The whole truth.

“If I come home to Phoenix, everything will go back to the way it was, and I don’t want that life anymore.

You are my closest friend, but I can’t fall into our old routine.

I spent too many years convincing myself I was in love with a man who I knew could never love me back.

Because it was safe. If I loved you, then I didn’t have to fear my heart getting broken.

That’s not living. That’s going through the motions. ”

“Ilsa.” Troy’s jaw slackened, and he stared at me with unblinking eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, come on. Don’t act surprised.”

The pain creeping into his expression made the world stop spinning. In the span of five heartbeats, as we stared at each other, I rewound time to the day we met. To the days in between then and now.

He knew how I’d felt. He had to know. Everyone knew I’d been enamored with Troy.

“You really think I could never love you back?” He pressed a hand to his chest. “Of course I love you.”

He believed it, to the bottom of his heart. Except the love between us wasn’t enough.

It wasn’t real. It wasn’t lasting.

It was like Mom and Dad. They loved each other on the surface. It was a layer of ice on a winter lake. But all it would take was a change of season and that love would melt away.

I wanted a love that went bone deep.

“I know you do,” I said, as gently as possible.

“But not the way we both deserve to be loved. You love me because I’m safe.

Because I’m familiar. Because I’m comfortable.

You love me because I’m your friend. And you love me when it’s convenient.

But I want to be loved recklessly. I want the kind of love where the idea of someone else is unfathomable.

I want love that’s easy. This is too hard. It’s always been too hard.”

“And you don’t think I can give you easy?” He shook his head, holding up his hands. “I have always loved you. I have waited and waited for you. Every time I turned around, you were in another man’s bed. Just like now.”

I tried not to laugh. “You haven’t waited.”

“You really think that? I call you every week. I’m nice to your mother even though she drives me up the fucking wall.

” He fisted his hands. “I could have married any of my last three girlfriends. They all wanted a ring, but I ended it with them instead. How obvious can I make it that I want to be with you someday?”

Someday. Wow. That was so, so much to take.

God, I was such a fucking idiot. Troy had been stringing me along for years, not waiting for me, but doing what Troy wanted for Troy.

Done. I was completely done. I’d known it for weeks, but tonight’s visit was the closure I’d needed to say farewell. And I certainly wasn’t going to offer him Cosi’s couch.

“I think you’d better go, Troy.”

He blinked, the confusion in his eyes fading as annoyance took its place. He scoffed, his jaw working back and forth. “That’s it?”

“Yeah. That’s it.”

He looked me up and down. “What a fucking waste you turned out to be.”

It knocked the wind from my lungs. It was the first truly mean thing he’d ever said.

I stood there, stunned, as he marched to the door, slamming it too hard as he left.

The person who’d been my best friend, gone.

“Goodbye, Troy,” I whispered, walking to the lamp to switch it off.

The room went dark. Outside, an engine roared to life. The sting of tears pricked my nose.

Damn it, I didn’t want to cry. But it hurt. The rumble of the engine faded to nothing.

As my best friend—former best friend—drove out of my life.

I pressed a hand to my heart, rubbing at the ache. Did it hurt because our friendship was over? Or because I’d spent so many years on that friendship?

Troy was right.

What a fucking waste.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned away from the living room.

Cosi was leaning against the wall, still shirtless. Still glowering. “You okay?”

“Ask me tomorrow.” I lifted a shoulder. “I’m sorry about Troy.”

“Yeah.” He looked away, staring blankly across the room. “It’s fine.”

“Is it?”

His jaw worked as he stayed locked on the opposite wall. “You should get some rest.”

“What about you?”

“Not tired.”

I stilled at the cold, aloof detachment in his voice. He wouldn’t look at me. Why wouldn’t he look at me?

I stared at him for a long moment, willing him to look at me. To take my hand and come with me to bed. But I could feel him pulling away. Shutting me out. Putting a wall between us.

How much of that conversation had he heard? All of it?

From his standpoint, from the outside looking in, that must have been an ugly conversation to overhear. Not only Troy’s accusation, but it probably sounded like I’d been in love with another man all this time. Like I’d been using Cosi as an escape.

There was so much to say. So much to explain. But the burn in my throat warned that tears weren’t far away. “I’m sleeping in the guest room tonight. I need . . .”

Him. I needed him. But I was too wrung out to talk. All I wanted to do was cry. And I couldn’t ask Cosi to hold me together while I wept over another man.

So when I walked down the wrong hallway for the wrong bedroom, Cosi didn’t stop me.

When I cried myself to sleep, it was alone.