CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Luisa—
Carmen, Ramona and Marcella pace my bedroom while I sit on my bed, staring at my phone. Blue texted me an hour ago. I stare at them, despair filling my heart.
BLUE: So that’s it then? You just leave without a word. Guess you made your decision when you put on that ring. Fine. Have a happy life with Mateo. I’m done with you.
He’s hurt. I hurt him terribly.
“She needs to at least tell him,” Carmen argues.
“No, she doesn’t,” Ramona snaps back. “That’s the last thing she needs to do.” Then she whirls on me. “Wake up, Luisa. He was using you. His life is dangerous, and you have a baby to think about. You’re better off without him.”
“Then why does my heart feel like it's breaking?” I whisper.
“Don’t be a fool. A man like him? Your life would be chaos. He’d probably cheat on you. Is that the kind of man you want?”
“Of course not,” Carmen defends me. “Leave her alone. Blue isn’t like that.”
“And how would you know?” Ramona asks. “It’s not like you’ve spent any time with him. You have no clue what kind of man he is.”
“I know what Luisa tells me.”
“Has he ever said he loves you, Luisa? Has he actually said the words?” Ramona asks me. “No? Because he doesn’t.”
Marcella comes and sits next to me, putting her arm around my shoulders. “It’s because we care about you, Luisa. We don’t want you to throw your life away. Mateo is a good man.”
“He knows about the baby,” I whisper.
“What?” Carmen says, stopping in her tracks. “Who? Blue?”
“No, Mateo.”
The three of them get wide-eyed and exchange a look.
“What did he say? Is he calling off the engagement?” Ramona pushes past Carmen to stand in front of me.
“No. That’s just it. He still wants to marry me.”
“How did he find out? Did you tell him?” Carmen’s voice rises.
“He guessed.” I shrug. “Maybe he was just trying to see if I’d confess to having been with a man. Maybe he didn’t really expect me to confirm it. But when I did, he took it in stride. He said it didn’t matter, and that he’d be a good father to the child, that we’d have a good life.”
“Did he tell you he loves you?”
“He doesn’t love me. He said as much, but he said we could learn to love each other and that we were a good match. That we could be happy.”
“Do you believe him?” Carmen asks, squatting in front of me and taking my hands.
“I suppose I do.”
“Does anyone else in the family know you’re pregnant?”
“No. I don’t think so. Mateo said we should have a small ceremony, and the sooner the better. I suppose he wants everyone to think the baby is his, and that I was a good girl until our wedding.”
Carmen surges to her feet. “It’s an archaic, ridiculous custom. It’s no one’s business if you are a pure little virgin on your wedding day or not.”
“Tell that to my father,” I whisper. “I’m sure Mateo’s parents feel the same way.”
“So, you’ve decided then? You’re going to go through with it?” Carmen asks.
“Yes. It’s for the best. I have to think of the baby. My happiness is not important.”
“Of course it is.” Marcella squeezes my shoulder. “So, you’re not even going to tell Blue you’re pregnant?”
I shake my head. “It’s better this way. I don’t want to cause him anymore pain.”
“But passing his kid off as Mateo’s—that’s okay?” Carmen asks with a bite in her tone.
“Don’t make this harder for me. Please. This is for the best.”
“Yeah, keep tellin’ yourself that. I’m leaving.” She strides to the door, and I surge to my feet.
“Wait. Where are you going?”
“Home. And if you think I’ll stand up at the altar as a bridesmaid and watch my best friend in the whole world marry a man she doesn’t love, you’re crazy.” The door slams behind her, and I burst into tears.
Ramona and Marcella put their arms around me.
“You’re doing the right thing, Luisa,” Ramona says. “She’ll get over it. We’ll all be there for you at the church whether you want us as bridesmaids or if you’re just going to have your sister and Mateo’s brother stand up for you. However you want it, we’ll support you, won’t we, Marcella?”
“Of course. You’re doing the right thing. Mateo will give you and the baby a good life. This is the best for everyone.”
Then why do I feel like I’m dying inside? All I can hear in my head are Blue’s words.
I’m done with you.
In the days following, Carmen stays away, but Ramona, Marcella, and my sister all help me with the wedding planning.
Mateo talks to the priest and arranges a ceremony set for the following Thursday afternoon. It’s coming so quickly, I can barely breathe at the thought, but maybe doing it quickly is for the best; it gives me less time to fret and reconsider.
It’s decided that it will just be our immediate families and friends.
I text Carmen with the date, and after an entire day of not hearing from her, she calls me, apologizes, and says of course she’ll be there.
The three of us go to a salon, and I buy a wedding dress off the rack. Mother insists it be a long dress and that I will wear the same Spanish lace veil that my mother wore and her mother before her.
I pick a simple dress without much embellishment. The only adornments will be my grandmother's veil and the tiara that Consuela wore.
Standing on the small dais, staring in the mirror at the bridal salon, I feel nothing.
No excitement, no romantic dreams. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a bride someday.
Now it means nothing. It’s just symbolic trappings, and the ceremony is just something I have to get through, not something to look forward to with anticipation and happiness.
Thankfully, the morning sickness has passed, and no one can tell I’m pregnant. So far, my stomach is as flat as ever.
My sister puts the tiara on me, and my mother puts the family veil on me. My reflection tells me I’m pretty, but I feel no happiness. I feel nothing.
My mother claps her hands together, and tears form in her eyes. “My little girl. You are such a beautiful bride. You used to dress up with my apron for a veil when you were a child. Now look at you. So grown up.”
For a moment, I let myself imagine this is all for Blue, and that it will be him waiting for me at the end of the aisle when my father walks me in to give me away.
I give my mother a happy smile, and my eyes flood.
She enfolds me in a hug. “Oh, baby. Don’t you cry, too. I’m just so happy for you.”
I nod and let her believe it's Mateo I can’t wait to marry. But it isn’t. There’s only one man I dream about, and it isn’t my groom.