Chapter 43
Ariana
OPTIONS. CHOICES
Normally I love a girls’ night, but right now all I can think about is how much I miss Cole. How I’d rather be in his bed cuddled up with Duchess, sulking over how much I wish he were here, than spend the evening pretending I’m perfectly fine so my sisters don’t start probing me with questions.
I’m also just exhausted. Between not sleeping well because I’ve gotten used to having Cole beside me and prepping extra pastries so I can space out my early mornings and delegate more to Lina, I’m bone tired.
So much so that I barely register Elyse asking me what I’d like to drink until she has to repeat herself. When my eyes meet hers her face is already twisted with concern, so I paint on a bright smile before she decides to make it a whole thing.
“Water is fine for now,” I tell her. Mostly because if I had any wine I’d be fast asleep before the first rose ceremony.
I mindlessly munch on popcorn while we’re all gathered around the TV in Elyse’s recently renovated living room, watching the latest episode of The Bachelorette. I’ve never really followed the show but I don’t mind joining in and listening to everyone discuss the lore behind certain contestants.
Elyse is visibly showing now, her pregnant belly cute and round as she caresses it over her mug of tea.
Layla came straight from work and looks about as tired as I feel, but she’s powering through as usual.
Scottie and Marisa are tucked together on the opposite couch, whispering about their upcoming weddings.
I smile, glad I pushed myself to come after all.
In the middle of a one-on-one date featuring an extravagant helicopter ride, my third glass of water hits me. “Be right back,” I murmur to no one in particular, slipping off the couch.
The upstairs bathroom is at the end of the hall, past the nursery Elyse and Dominic have been slowly putting together. The door is cracked and I catch a glimpse of the light pink walls as I pass.
I’ve barely closed the bathroom door behind me when my phone buzzes.
LAYLA
OMG can you check if Elyse has any tampons up there, I think I just started
I root through the cabinet under the sink, moving past some spare hand soap bottles and cleaning supplies, and find a box of tampons tucked toward the back. I pull one out and set it aside for her.
And then I stay crouched there on the bathroom floor for a moment longer than necessary.
Because something just occurred to me.
If Layla just got her period, then where the hell is mine? We’ve always been synced up. Literally since the day we both started, right before Sydney Holm’s pool party in middle school.
I rack my brain, trying to recall the last time I had my period. Last month? Maybe the month before? I run through the past several weeks in my head, retracing routines, counting backward, and the further back I go the more unease begins to settle at the base of my spine.
I can’t remember.
I can’t remember the last time I got my period. I’ve never really been the type to track it anyway, but it’s more than alarming that I have no recollection of having it at all recently.
I sit down fully on the tile floor, my back against the cabinet, staring at the wall across from me.
I’ve been on the pill for years—ever since I complained to my doctor about heavy periods. It was never about preventing pregnancy, that was just supposed to be a given. And up until a few months ago, that was the least of my concerns.
My hand moves to my stomach without my permission.
There’s no way I’m pregnant. I’m just not. I’m late, that’s all. Barely late.
Right?
I feel fine. I’m not nauseous or achy or any of those symptoms everyone talks about. I’m just tired. Everyone gets tired.
I’m not pregnant. I can’t be.
Please, I can’t be.
Panic starts to ensue. Slowly, I get back up and open the cabinet again, searching this time with more intention.
Elyse and Dominic were actively trying to get pregnant.
There has to be some sort of pregnancy test in the house.
At least I’m hoping so because I’m not sure my panic can withstand having to drive to the closest twenty-four hour pharmacy all the way in Badger Canyon. I’ll lose my mind by then.
Luckily, behind some spare rolls of toilet paper is a single unopened pregnancy test.
I stare at it, afraid to touch it, like the box itself will impregnate me.
Eventually my shaking hands grab hold of it and I set it on the counter, eyes fixed on it.
I’ve never taken one before so I turn it over and read the instructions.
From there it’s a bit of a blur. Like I’m present but out of my body at the same time.
I pee and place the stick on the edge of the sink, pacing back and forth while the allotted time passes.
This is not how I imagined possibly finding out I’m pregnant.
This was supposed to be years from now, with my husband, in our home and finding out together because we were trying. Because we’re excited.
Not me, barely a few months in with my first real boyfriend, alone and terrified this will be what finally wakes Cole up and makes him realize he doesn’t want any of this. He just wrapped his head around wanting a girlfriend, and now I’m potentially throwing a baby into the mix.
He’s going to freak.
We’ve never talked about any of this. Marriage. Babies. Nothing.
I’m not ready. There’s no way he’s ready.
The alarm on my phone snaps me back to reality and I take a few deep breaths before picking up the test, keeping my eyes squeezed closed because what you don’t know can’t hurt you. None of this is real until I see the results.
When my eyes finally open it doesn’t take long to read the digital words on the gray display.
Pregnant.
It’s not faint or obscured or hard to read. It’s bold and black and glaring at me.
And I think I’m going to be sick.
The spacious bathroom is suddenly the size of a shoebox.
The walls haven’t moved but they feel closer, the air thicker, the sound of the girls’ conversation drifting up from downstairs suddenly very far away.
I press a hand to my chest, feeling the thumping of my heart beat against it, and stare at the little window on the test like if I look at it long enough it might change its mind.
It doesn’t.
I’m pregnant.
A burn shoots up my throat with just enough warning to hover my face over the sink before acid and stomach fluid expel.
It’s not much, more gagging than anything, but it’s violent enough to ignite my emotions and soon I’m sobbing, my chest heaving, vision all but gone, blurred behind tears that won’t stop coming.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m not even sure how I feel.
The realization moves through me in a strange, slow wave. I wait for something definitive to settle over me—something happy or terrified or relieved or devastated—and instead it’s everything at once and none of them completely, fractured and broken pieces drifting around me but none I can grasp.
I need Cole.
Nothing makes sense without him. And even if he doesn’t want this, I’m clear-minded enough to know I have to tell him before anything can be decided. Before I’ve even decided how I feel about it myself, he has to be the first person who knows. It’s not even a question.
I wrap the test in a wad of toilet paper and tuck it into my back pocket with hands that won’t stop trembling. Then I splash cold water on my face and look at myself in the mirror.
My eyes are glassy and red. My face is puffy, giving everything away. I can’t go back out there like this and expect them to not dig until they pull it out of me.
I have to get out of here.
Grabbing the tampon, I quietly go down the stairs, setting it on a console table near the door before firing off a text to Layla.
Not feeling well. Had to leave. Your tampon is on the black table. Love you.
By the time I get to my car, she’s already calling me and I press ignore. I’ve never ignored a call from Layla but there’s only so much I can handle right now.
The drive back to Cole’s happens in a flash. One moment I was in Elyse’s driveway, the next my headlights are shining on Cole’s porch.
My phone is lit up with notifications. Cole has texted me twice. The girls have all sent messages.
I don’t open any of them except the one from Elyse.
ELYSE
Saw the test box in bathroom. You don’t have to tell me anything you’re not ready to talk about yet. Just know I love you, and no matter what you’re not alone. And I hid everything in case you’re worried.
“Fuck,” I groan, my head falling back against the seat. I might as well have announced the pregnancy on social media. What kind of idiot can’t be bothered to hide the evidence?
God, I’m already a mess.
I drag myself inside, not even attempting to change or do any of my usual nighttime routine before crawling into bed.
Cole calls and I let it go to voicemail because I don’t know what to say and I don’t have it in me to act normal.
He sends a text shortly after.
COLE
Guess you’re having fun with the girls. Miss you like crazy. Call me tomorrow.
He’s so blissfully unaware that I’m about to ruin his entire life. He’s going to hate me.
I throw the phone across the room and bury myself under the covers, crying under the safety of this cocoon. I cry until there’s nothing left. Until my throat is raw and dry. Until my eyes are so swollen I can barely see. And then I finally drift to sleep, dreamless and numb.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” Lina asks, eyeing the crowded tables.
Wes’s poetry club is hosting another slam night, and much like the one before, it’s a full house of students.
Lina helped me serve up a round of coffee and together we washed the machines afterward.
But now that the event is in full swing, I really don’t need her here.
I also know she’s anxious to get home to her son.
“I’ve got it covered.” I try to give her a genuine smile but I can barely get it out, and when I do, it doesn’t come close to reaching my eyes.
“Are you okay?” She frowns in concern.
“Yeah.” I lie, voice hoarse because I’m seconds from breaking down.
“Oh, shit.” She gathers me into a big hug, my face falling into her curly hair. “I know we’re not really friends since you’re my boss and all, but I’m a great listener if you need someone to talk to.”
I gulp past the rawness in my throat. “Thank you. I’d tell you but I really have to talk to Cole first.”
She nods, a small sympathetic smile on her face. “Is this related to why you used my phone to text him?”
Nodding, I chew on my bottom lip. When I woke up this morning I realized that tossing my phone across the room last night was more forceful than I thought and my screen totally shattered.
Terrible timing, but it’s been nice being disconnected. Gives me more time in my head to figure out what I’m going to do.
The thought has crossed my mind that I don’t have to go through with it. If Cole doesn’t take it well, I have options. Choices.
Doing it alone would be scary.
Though I know my family wouldn’t let me drown if I do keep the baby. They would be by my side through it all. Gavin was a single parent, and Lily is the best thing that ever happened to him.
Having this baby will change my life, but maybe that’s exactly what I need. Change isn’t always bad, it can be good.
“Seriously, Lina. I can handle the shop. It’s a nice distraction, actually.”
She skeptically eyes me and then the door, like she’s not sure which to choose.
“Go.” I smile, a real one this time. “There’s nothing I can do about my predicament at the moment, so no sense in you being stuck here with me when we both know you’d rather be home with Oliver.”
“Okay,” she says finally. “I can totally relate to throwing yourself into work as a distraction.”
She grabs her bag from behind the counter and heads for the door.
“Lina,” I say before she can turn to go.
“Yeah?”
“I know I’m your boss, but if you’re ever in the market for a new friend, I’d love to be considered. I don’t have many outside the ones stuck with me by blood or through marriage.”
A broad grin jumps on her lips. “I’d like that.”
As soon as she’s gone, my thoughts return to Cole.
I try to listen to the poet on stage but there’s no use, he may as well be speaking another language.
When Wes tries to draw me into a conversation, my one-word answers get us nowhere so he politely returns to the redhead he showed up with, and the dazzling eyes she has for him tell me she’s a lot more than a student to him.
It makes me grateful nothing ever happened between us. A professor who dates his students probably isn’t all that trustworthy, or interested in commitment.
But then I guess neither was Cole.
My hand mindlessly rubs over my stomach. This news could send him right back into the man he used to be.
Leaving me to raise our baby alone with a heart so broken, it might never recover.