Chapter 11
Katie
This is why I hadn’t started dating again. Against the deep bass line of the music playing, I had spilled out all the details of my breakup. God, it wasn’t even a breakup. Dave wasn’t my ex. He’d made clear that there was nothing tying us together.
So why did I get up abruptly from the table and walk out of the burger shop?
“Katie!”
I heard Rhys’ shout as I slid into the driver’s seat of my car. One look in the rear vision mirror revealed him carrying my food out, but I knew now I wouldn’t be eating it. My mouth felt gummy, as if the grease and the sugar had coalesced into a gross coating. My throat worked as I turned the car on, but before I could take off, Rhys was there, rapping at my window.
“Retaliatory cheeseburgers, remember?” he said, holding the basket up hopefully.
“I’m good.” I forced myself to smile, because unless I wanted to find another gym, I’d see Rhys again. “Did you want some money?—?”
“No.” His hand landed on my window and I felt like I could trace every line there. “No, I don’t need that. I need?—”
“I’ve gotta go.”
This was why I didn’t like to talk about the whole Dave thing. The guy was a dickhead, a fact that was universally agreed upon, but what did that make me? I was the idiot who kept going out with him. Answered his calls, tapped back a reply when he texted ‘WYD’ at 3am in the morning. The woman who didn’t have enough self-respect to kick him to the curb like he deserved. Natasha and Mandie could slag off Dave all they liked, but they were damning me by proxy.
“I’ll see you at the gym,” I told Rhys, and then edged my car out into traffic. I wasn’t even going in the right direction, but right now, I didn’t care. I just wanted to get the fuck away from my confession, my feelings, everything.
When a tear rolled down my cheek, to say I was disappointed was an understatement. I was forced to pull over, and that’s when more of them came. Dumb tears, stupid tears, that felt like they tore their way out of my tear ducts, because Dave didn’t deserve a single one. I didn’t miss him, didn’t love him. I’m fairly sure I didn’t even like him, but what I really hated was what I’d let myself become when I was around him.
Well, no more.
Never, ever again would I let some idiot treat me like an afterthought. I did not have to accept anyone’s scraps. I deserved respect, love, to be someone’s number one priority, and I refused to settle for anything less. With a sharp nod at my reflection, I turned the car on, blew my nose, and then drove home. I hoped to walk back into an empty apartment, but instead, found I had a welcoming committee.
“How’d it go?” Mandie asked, springing to her feet as soon as I walked in the door. The wine glasses, the pizza boxes, made clear her ‘thing’ was entirely made up. “Drew texted me and said you went out for burgers with Rhys? How was it?”
My sister wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she wasn’t stupid. As I stepped further into the living room, she took in my bedraggled appearance and her face fell. That was just as quickly replaced with fury.
“What did he do?” Her hands formed fists. “I might not be as big as him, but I will knock that fuckwit’s head right off his shoulders next time I see him!”
“For what?” I walked in and helped myself to a glass, pouring it full of wine. I drank that down, feeling suddenly thirsty. Anything to wash the taste of milkshakes and burgers out of my mouth. “For taking me out and buying me food while listening to sad stories?” Mandie made a small sound of distress. “I made it awkward, not him.”
“It’s not awkward if he asked,” she said, leaning forward.
“But he didn’t. He asked why I started to go to the gym and I…” I took another mouthful of wine. The astringent edge helped settle something in me. “I am not ready to date. If I can’t stop emotionally vomiting over near strangers, then I am clearly not over…” I couldn’t say Dave. That was too shameful to admit, even for me. “Everything.”
“Shit, I’m sorry.” Mandie moved in to give me a hug. “I shouldn’t have rushed you. He just seemed super keen, and I know he’s a good guy. I figured the best way to get over a guy?—”
“Is to get under another one?” That was my sister’s motto at high school. “Thanks, but that’s not how this is going to work. We had it right at New Year’s.” I flumped down onto the opposite couch. “I need to work on myself, get comfortable in my own skin.”
“And is that the way you were feeling before you told Rhys about Dave?” she asked. “Were you feeling comfortable?”
I shifted on the couch. As far as I was concerned, this topic was done with and I just wanted to drown my sorrows in a glass of wine, then go to sleep.
“I…I felt weird in the burger place. It was all cool with graffiti murals and pretty people sitting down to eat.”
“That’s not what I asked,” Mandie prompted a little more gently.
“I didn’t feel like I fitted in there,” I continued. “I was dressed in Dad’s old t-shirt for one.”
“T-shirts like that are worth big bucks now,” my sister explained. “People are really into vintage streetwear.”
“Right.” I looked over at her and saw this inquisition would happen no matter what, so I forged on. “I felt people’s eyes on me.”
“Katie—” she growled.
“And I didn’t like it. I could feel the judgement coming off them in waves.”
“That’s their fat phobic bullshit, not yours.”
“But when he sat down and started teasing me about spilling drinks, I…” I let out a ragged sigh. “I didn’t care. It was just him and me.”
And that fact made me all the madder. It wasn’t hard to imagine meeting Rhys before I even set eyes on Dave, and what would that have been like? One long string of awesome dates, filled with laughter and good food?
“Look, I’m just still processing, y’know?” I waved my hand in their direction. “I’ll be fine. Time heals all wounds, right? This one is self-inflicted, so it’s probably taking a little longer than I hoped, but I’ll get there.” Mandie went to say something, but I got to my feet. “I need to get some sleep. I’ll see you later.”
Have a shower and go to bed, that was the plan, but once I was inside my room, something changed. It wasn’t just me in my bedroom, but everything that had happened today. Emotions, thoughts, resolutions, they swirled around, threatening to take over, especially when I pulled my phone out.
Mum always said that when I was a little kid, I’d just collapse in a heap after a tantrum, utterly spent. What she missed was what came with it. A deep sense of shame that I’d lost my shit, that’s what hit me right now. I was too old to be throwing myself on the floor and holding my breath until I turned blue.
So what did I do instead?
Say sorry to anyone I’d wronged and make amends, that’s what Mum had hammered into us, which had my thumb scrolling through my contacts until I ended up at Rhys.
There was no way he wanted to hear from me. I was riding the hot mess express and there was nothing that turned men off more. I sucked in a breath and started to send a text anyway.
Sorry about this evening. Was that enough? Maybe, but apparently I had more to say. Everything’s still a bit raw. Turns out I’m good at dumping more than just smoothies on people.
I added a little smiley emoji, feeling like anything but, then hit send before I could analyse myself into oblivion. That done, I tossed the phone on the bed and walked into the ensuite built between Mandie’s and my rooms. I was pretty sure I could wash just about anything away if I scrubbed hard enough.
So why was I looking at my phone when I got back out?
Now dressed in my PJ’s, I climbed into bed and the minute the covers were over me, my phone started to ring. A strange feeling built in my chest as I slapped around, trying to find my phone. Hope, I realised. It flickered to life as my hand closed around my phone, my thumb tapping on the screen to answer the call.
“Hello?”
That came out way too breathy, but if I hoped Rhys had called me back, I was about to be disappointed.
“Katie?” The masculine voice was familiar, but entirely different to Rhys. “It’s Rhett. Just wanted to make sure we were still on to go to the pet shop tomorrow?”