Chapter 19 Brad
Brad
“Oh, watch out for the—”
“Godfuckingdammit,” I seethe, hopping on my right foot as sharp pain shoots through my left.
“Rattle,” Veronica says with a wince, rushing over to pick up the tiny plastic toy from the floor. “Sorry.”
I limp away, trying my best not to swear any further around Paislee. I have less than ten minutes to pack my stuff and leave for work, and disturbing the baby resting in Veronica’s arms isn’t in my best interest.
My world has completely flipped upside down in the past eighteen months. Not only have I been adjusting to being a new dad, but I’ve had to re-learn how to live with someone, something I haven’t done since I was in college.
“I think we’re nearing our last bottle of formula, so I’ll stop at the store on my way home to pick some more up,” I say before grabbing my lunchbag and hoisting it under my arm.
“Mm, okay, sure. But if you get off late again, just wait until the morning. We have enough for another night. I’d rather you come home at a decent time…for once.”
I round the kitchen table, looking down at my sleepy girl, sucking on a bottle. She stares up at me with those beautiful big green eyes. So rare, and so perfect. I smooth down her wispy blonde hairs to the side of her head.
“I’ll make it work.” I smile, distracted by my precious bundle of joy. She reaches out for me, and her chubby hand touches my beard. She loves it, so I’ve kept it longer than I used to.
“Brad?” Veronica says my name quietly.
“Hm?” My eyes gravitate to her hazel ones. The ones that remind me so much of his. It makes my stomach twist. Between the guilt and the lingering pain that just won’t fade away, I can barely stand the reminder, which means avoiding her eyes whenever possible.
“Come home at a decent time tonight, yeah? For me?” The side of her mouth perks up.
I swallow down the need to look away and instead, kiss her forehead quickly before kissing Paislee’s.
“I’ll try,” I mutter, before turning to leave out the door.
***
After a long, grueling day managing my crew on a new subdivision, I’m finally on my way home.
Getting hired on by this local investor has been a great opportunity for the business, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard being away from Paislee all day.
The men I work with just don’t compare to that little girl’s dimples and giggles.
But as the founder of Stone & Creek Co., I’ve got to put in the work. For Paislee…for my family.
My hand grips the steering wheel as I drive home after a stop at the gas station. Our usual place was out of stock, so I had to cross town, hitting two stations before I finally found the formula Paislee tolerates.
I know I could’ve waited until morning like Veronica insisted. I also know that if I had gotten home sooner, I would’ve had more time with Paislee.
But, that would mean more time spent with Veronica. And that’s something I’ve been struggling with for the past year.
The fact is, spending quality time with her means suppressing what I truly want to say. All the words that I should say that would break us apart and tear Paislee away from me, perhaps forever.
The fact is that last summer, I made the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life.
And the worst part of it all is that it was a mistake I’ve wanted to relive every single day since.
Slowly, I arrive back at the house, the house he grew up in, and park my truck in the driveway.
I tried my hardest to get her to move in with me when Paislee was about to be born, but she insisted that they had more room here. She was right. But what she didn’t know was that the walls, the smell, the room at the end of the hall, all screamed his name to me.
Staying late at work is my only reprieve from the suffocating reality that he’s not here when he should be.
I’m the imposter in this.
Deciding to go in, I grab the box of formula and head inside.
The house is dark and quiet, which means that Veronica may have packed it in early. She’s been doing that more often lately, seeing as, with Paislee teething, we’ve been up twice a night like clockwork.
I make my way up the stairs to the guest bathroom. Slipping in quietly, I shower the work day off my skin. If I can stay quiet enough, I can still slip downstairs to ‘watch TV’ until I fall asleep, avoiding her completely.
I know it doesn’t seem nice, and truly, I feel awful.
But, the more time that goes by, I’m sure I’ll continue to feel better.
Feel closer to her. Maybe we’ll even be intimate again.
But for right now, the memory of him is too fresh.
I can still remember the taste of his tongue, the feeling of his lips sucking on my neck, and dear God…
Water runs off my hard cock as I remember all the dirty, life-changing things we did together that weekend. Camping alone, out in that tent. Just him and I. I grab myself, giving in to the one routine that never gets old. One day it will, I’m sure. But not tonight.
Tonight, memories of his pierced tongue and lips are the only thing that feels real.
I think about the way he kissed up my thighs before filling his mouth with my cock. Or the whimpery sounds he made whenever I hit that spot inside of him. The way his body would shake when it was too much to hold on and he came undone around me.
Fuck. The way he’d call me ‘sir’ like it was my birthname.
“My dick is yours, sir. My ass is yours...I’m yours…”
The memories flash so vividly in my mind. I bite my fist to stifle the moans that rip out of me. It doesn’t take me long after that before I’m tumbling over the edge, ropes of my cum hitting the shower floor.
I gasp in relief as the pent-up frustration from the day falls away from me. But, as quick as it falls, the memory of what’s left of his returns.
Because Noah’s gone. He decided to leave when he heard the news about Paislee, and that’s something I can’t forgive.
I may miss him, but I also hate him for leaving.
I hate the fact that he pretended to be so mature, but couldn’t stick around when things got too real.
Couldn’t deal with it for me. I was willing to flip my whole life over for him.
Clarity hits me like a slap to the face. Every night, it’s the same thing.
It never gets easier, even when I so desperately wish it would, because this is my life now.
On exhausted, shaky legs, I find my way out of the shower, drying off in the mirror.
Veronica, Paislee, and I. That’s it. That’s all. This is how it’s supposed to be.
Leaving the bathroom, I tuck my towel around my waist and make my way to the bedroom to quickly change.
As I enter the room, I see a dainty arm reach out and turn on the bedside table light.
My heart drops.
“Hey,” I say, startled.
“Shhh,” Veronica signals, her eyes flicking toward me. She’s wearing a shiny pink slip—short enough to elongate her legs. Her long blonde hair falls perfectly over her shoulders, and I can see the shimmer of eyeshadow and a glossed pout. “You’re just getting in?”
She looks incredible, but… I swallow thickly. “Yeah. Just got out of the shower.”
Her gaze drifts down my body and settles on my hand gripping the towel. Curiosity piqued, she bites her lower lip.
“Is Paislee—” I start, turning to leave.
“I just put Pais down,” she interrupts, crawling to the edge of the bed. Her knees sink into the mattress as she leans closer. “Which means…” Reaching for me, she pulls me in by my towel. “We can have a little me-and-you time.”
My lips twitch as she looks up at me, her painted coral fingernails trail up my abs and along my pecs, feeling my still damp skin.
I should want this.
She starts planting soft bites on my chest, as her fingertips tickle my skin.
So…soft. Delicate.
I close my eyes, begging for my body to react in the way I need it to, for fucking once.
During her pregnancy, we didn’t push for sex.
Honestly, she didn’t try, so shutting it down was never a problem.
Lately, she’s been trying more and more, and I’m running out of excuses.
No matter how hard I try to slip back into what we had… my mind keeps wandering.
Noah was just so…different.
Dammit.
I grip her small hips, pulling her against me. I can do this. Trying to lose myself in the way her body feels, I press a kiss to her throat.
“Yes, Brad,” she gasps.
No. Don’t speak. I wrestle my thoughts back, focusing on her hand trailing slowly down my stomach, below the tied towel.
There’s a split second where I think about how nice it’d be to be touched again, in that way. It’s been so long.
The way I woke up to him gripping me. His angry bites against my neck.
My eyes snap open.
“Vee, I–”
“Don’t,” she mutters, brushing her lips along my jawline.
I cringe as she nears my mouth.
“Vee,” I say again, holding her wrist to stop her. Any further, and there will be no way of denying the evidence that this is doing nothing for me.
All I can think about is her moans being too high. And the way her soft fingers make my skin itch. And I can’t get those damn green eyes out of my head. Hers are wrong. It’s all wrong.
She huffs, slinking back, taking her hand with her. “You keep putting it off, and frankly, it’s starting to offend me.”
“You’re so beautiful.” I breathe deeply. “You deserve better than this.” I sit on the edge of the bed, defeated.
“Not this again,” Veronica huffs, throwing the blanket over her legs. She tosses her hair into a messy bun at the top of her head. “It’s fine. New parents go through this all the time.”
“Do they?” I ask, glancing at her over my shoulder. “What if it’s not…about being a new parent?”
She squints. “What else could it be about then?”
My chest tightens, throat thick.
Everything in me screams to stay silent, but my guilt is even louder.
Should I just come out with it? Should I tell her why I can’t get aroused by her or why her kisses against my skin sting? Rip off the band-aid and tell her the truth? My heart thumps hard and steadily.
Maybe she’ll stay and let me keep Paislee. Maybe we’ll be one, big, disjointed family.
My mouth opens, feeling the truth on the tip of my tongue.
Suddenly, the silent room echoes with the sound of crying. Both of our eyes snap to the flickering monitor sitting on the bedside table.
“You’ve woken Paislee. Great.” She grunts, shutting the monitor off and storming out of the room.
My head sinks into my hands, swallowed by my own cowardice.
Either I have to commit to telling her or commit to living this lie. Because if I keep continuing down this path, reliving this ghost of a memory of her son, I’m going to break in half and watch my world crumble around me.
I go through the cons that I’ve been trying to repeat to myself since the day he left.
He’s too young.
He’s my fiancée’s son.
And now, he’s my daughter's brother.
And the biggest con of all? He’s gone. Ran away without a second thought.
It’s over. It’s done with. A weekend that I need to forget.
The answer’s been staring me in the face for a year. But knowing I need to let Noah go, and actually doing it? That’s where the real challenge begins.