Chapter 38 Brad
Brad
“You okay there, buddy?” Kev punches me lightly in the shoulder, successfully bringing me back to the present. “You’ve been twitchy all night.”
Veronica laughs beside me, patting me softly on the chest. “He’s been feeling a little off all week. I think he might’ve caught a little bug or something.”
Kev gasps. “Oh, no kissing me then.” He crosses his fingers in front of his lips, warding me off like some type of vampire.
I give him a stiff laugh as I nod my head.
He’s not the one my lips are wanting to touch tonight.
The noise around me blurs as my eyes flicker around us. The noise of screaming kids on rides, the bright flickering lightbulbs above us, and bustle from people walking past us is so much to take in.
Especially when I’m just trying to see one person.
Vee, Kev and I are standing beside the beer tent with Paislee. I volunteered to be the designated driver since having drinks right now isn’t the best idea for me.
Not when I’m trying to be vigilant and aware.
I just want to see his face. Just once.
One week and I feel like I’m going through withdrawals. I’m so damn angry at him, but seeing his face would be a godsend.
“It’s weird seeing you without your little sidekick. How’s the kid nowadays?” Kev smiles.
“Noah? Yeah, uh…he’s good.” I scratch the back of my neck.
Vee rolls her eyes, pushing Paislee back and forth in her stroller. “Yeah, no. Noah has royally fucked off. He’s on one of his rampages again. Disappearing like he always does.” She shrugs, like it’s not the worst thing that could ever fucking happen. I can see where he gets his indifference from.
Fine, I guess I’m the only one who gives a shit.
I clench my jaw and focus on breathing steadily.
‘What if he was hurt, Veronica?” I snap.
Dammit, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.
Veronica huffs out an awkward laugh. “I mean, I wouldn’t want that but I highly doubt it.” She pinches her eyebrows together, looking me over. “Noah is a big boy, Brad. He can handle himself.”
Kev tilts his beer to his lips, eyebrows shooting up as he looks warily between the two of us.
I feel a rush of embarrassment flood my veins. Looking down at my feet, I awkwardly step side to side.
“No, I know.” I shake my head, folding my arms across my chest. “Of course he can. Sorry.”
“Looks like you’ve fully stepped into your step-daddy shoes.” Kev grabs my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “You’ve got your hands full, don't you?” He jokes.
He doesn’t know half of it.
“Oh! There you go. See, I told you he was fine.” Veronica throws her hands up by her side, exhausted as she looks over my shoulder.
I quickly whip my head around to see what she’s mentioning.
There he is.
Walking past the Ferris wheel switch board, in his famous sleeveless shirt that leaves his ribs sinfully exposed, he has one hand in his black shorts pocket, and another hand…
Another hand…
I’m about to be sick.
“Aw, how cute. Looks like he’s got himself a girlfriend,” Kev teases.
My eyes fixate on his hand tucked in the young woman’s back pocket. Dakota’s back pocket. The strikingly beautiful girl we met last summer. The same girl who had me burning with jealousy, driving me to drag him into our tent and claim him as mine.
Mine.
He knew this and still brought her here.
I shake my head. “That’s not…that’s not his girlfriend. They’re just old friends.”
Kev looks at me. “We’re old friends and we aren’t handsy like that.” He chuckles, taking another sip of his drink.
My blood runs hot as I watch the scene.
I don’t think they’ve noticed us over here yet, but the way Dakota swings back her head like Noah just told her the funniest joke in the world, makes me think they know exactly what they’re doing.
I can only hope that’s the case.
Because if this is real. I’m about to blow my top.
It’s taking all my might to keep myself contained and not march over there.
“Brad, stop staring. It’s rude.” Veronica tugs on my button-up.
I turn my backwards hat to the front. “You know what? I’m going to go over there and say hey. It’s been awhile since he’s been at work. I’ve got to talk to him about that.”
Veronica nods her head. “Sure. Just don’t let him walk all over you.” She pushes me off as though to give me some courage.
“Show him who’s boss!” Kev yells, a grin in his voice.
I shoot them both a look, but continue on my stride.
Noah buries his face in Dakota’s neck, prompting another obnoxious laugh from her and I bury my fists in my pockets to keep from punching a nearby wall.
“Hey,” I say, as nonchalant as I possibly can.
Noah lifts his face to connect his eyes with mine, and Dakota stops laughing.
“Sorry to interrupt your little moment. I just wanted to say hi,” I say, plastering on a grin.
Noah doesn’t remove his eyes from mine as he straightens his posture.
“Sup?” One nod. That’s it.
Sup? Like I’m some sort of annoyance? Like I don’t mean anything at all? Oh, that’s it. I’m seething. Everything in my body wants to grab him, take him around back, and spank the living hell out of him.
I narrow my eyes. “Plans for your birthday tomorrow?”
Dakota gasps, whipping her attention to him. “It’s your birthday tomorrow?! Why didn’t you tell me?” She snaps.
Noah squeezes his lips together before glancing at her. “I…it’s not important.” He shakes his head.
She looks him over before slowly nodding her head. “Right…right.” She wraps her arm around his neck, snuggling him in close. “I forgot how self-less you are. You knew I’d make a big fuss and you didn’t want to stress me out.”
I roll my eyes. “You’ve gotta be fucking joking.”
“Brad,” Noah, shifts Dakota's arms off of him.
“Noah,” I mock his tone in the same way he’s done with me many times. “You fucking left. Again. After promising me no more running. I can’t believe you’d do that.” I shake my head, stepping closer.
Dakota freezes, eyes flicking between us. “You know what? I think I’m going to go for a little walk…” she mutters, edging aside. “I’ll come find you.” She whispers first to Noah before slipping away.
I clench my teeth, watching her retreat, my chest tightening. “I can’t believe you came here together.”
“I’m just doing what you don’t have the guts to do,” Noah sneers, closing the distance between us. “Making a choice.”
This hits me straight in the chest. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You’re choosing for me?
Again? You can’t just…” I look around for the right words.
“I don’t know—wait for me? Let me figure my shit out?
I can’t just keep everything together all the time.
I’m a human being, Noah. I have to think before I act. Or else I’ll...hurt people.” I ramble.
His eyes narrow. “You want me to wait for you? For how long, Brad? My whole fucking life?”
“Of course not,” I exhale deeply. “But, fuck, Noah.” I take my hat off and run my hand through my hair.
“You can’t just fucking walk out on me. Without even a text.
I fucking care about you. This isn’t nothing to me.
You’re not nothing to me.” I feel a stinging behind my eyes.
Which is embarrassing but I can’t keep it out.
There’s so much I want to say and I’d rather not say it in front of watchful eyes.
I turn around to glance at Veronica and Kev. They’re standing there talking amongst themselves which is good, at least.
Veronica’s eyes flick toward us, confused.
My stomach dips but I give them a slight wave but hold up my finger, signaling to give us a moment. I’ll think about an excuse for it later. Right now, I need to do this.
Veronica nods her head and goes back to focusing on whatever Kev is saying.
“Can we go somewhere to talk?” I ask, turning back to Noah. “Alone?” I add, my eyes flicking in Dakota’s direction.
Noah shakes his head. “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Noah, I swear to God…” I walk away, rubbing my hand over my lips. If he doesn’t follow me, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll break apart. I’ll crumble. I’ll admit defeat. So I hope for both of our sakes that he does
***
Thankfully, he follows.
I lead us back to my truck which is a little ways away from the noisy fair.
I parked near the cornstalks across the street from the park.
It’s dark over here, secluded and no one comes around this part unless they’re looking to get lost or murdered.
Or, in our case, have a desperately vulnerable private chat.
“I shouldn’t have even followed you.” Noah’s voice comes out shaky, as he joins me behind my truck. “What you said at the hospital…”
“Wasn’t about you.” I throw my hat in the cab of the trunk. “I was upset and scared. I shouldn’t have said what I did and I am so sorry, Noah.”
“Still…seeing you with my mom. With Paislee?” His eyes look glossy as they jump between mine. He huffs out a long breath. “It’s too hard.”
“And what? You think this is easy for me?” I crowd in close.
“Noah, you have no idea how bad it gets. I can’t breathe when you’re not around.
I’m constantly wanting to see you. Touch you.
Feel your skin.” My hands trail up his arms, until I’m grabbing him firmly, scared to let go.
“Pretending not to feel the way I do about you is exhausting.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t keep living like this. Only getting you half the time…”
I place my hands on his cheeks, forcing him to look at me. “I’ll figure it out, just give me some time. Just…come back home to me. Please.” My voice cracks.
He shakes his head, loosening my hands off of him.
“You’re not listening to me. You don’t know how lonely it gets.
Being with you and then watching you with her.
I feel on the outside, all the time.” He rubs his hand down his face.
“Not to mention, I’m doing the exact same thing I hated my mother for.
How can I hate her and not hate myself?”
Holy shit. “Noah, I had no idea—”
“How could you? You’re so wrapped up in your own shit. You can’t see me.”