Chapter 41
Brian
Despite having a resident parking pass, finding a spot had been hell. I’d raced into the city after meeting Cliff, crying and thinking and spiraling the whole way. I hadn’t realized how much time had passed until I finally pulled into a spot and checked my phone.
Shit. I’d missed my window to meet up with them.
I slumped in the driver’s seat and squeezed my eyes shut, willing my thoughts to settle. I wanted to be there for Jess and Kit, but I couldn’t risk interrupting. So I’d sit here and wait, sending all the good vibes and positive thoughts I could into that impressive brick building.
The school was gorgeous. And walkable from my brownstone. I didn’t want to put pressure on Jess, but it seemed perfect.
Could I do it? Be the partner she deserved and a positive role model to her kids?
A year ago, I would have said no, but my whole world had changed the day Terry had forced Cal and Sully and me to move to Jersey. I’d stood on a solid foundation for decades, certain that I was following the correct life path.
For almost two hours, I ran through every scenario in my mind. Then I sat with my feelings, like Dr. Johnson had taught me to do. And I made a plan.
What I found as I took a step back and looked at my life was what I already knew: Jersey had changed me. Therapy had changed me. My conversation with Cliff had changed me.
There was only one thing I wanted now. A family. Specifically this family.
Movement caught my eye as I was mulling over how to convince the girls to stop by the apartment in Jersey without giving away the surprise.
When I looked up, Jess was stepping through the wrought-iron gates, followed by a smiling Greta.
Trailing farther behind was Kit, whose shoulders were slumped and whose lips were pulled down in a frown.
My stomach sank. Oh God. Had things gone badly?
I jumped out of the car and jogged over to them.
“Brian?” Kit’s face lit up. She ran for me, and I opened my arms and scooped her up.
“I’m sorry I was late,” I said as I set her on her feet and crouched, since she’d yet to release me. “Did you knock ’em dead?”
She nodded into my chest. “I think so. But now I’m not sure.”
Greta darted over and joined our hug, giving me a big squeeze.
Jess appeared next, wearing a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “I could hear her from the hall. She was amazing.”
“Proud of you, kiddo,” I said, still looking at Jess.
She’d been an anxious mess for days, but now, she looked completely wiped out.
The kids, on the other hand, were already chattering, telling me about their day.
“They have math and science,” Kit explained. “But I’d get to study music theory too. I thought I wouldn’t do that until college.” She turned and asked Jess for her phone. “And they have performances and showcases all year long.”
Once Jess had unlocked her screen and handed the device to her daughter, Kit and Greta babbled even faster, Kit scrolling through Jess’s phone, showing me photos of the theater and the classrooms.
“So impressive,” I said, peering up at Jess again.
Her eyes were distant, her skin wan, putting me on guard. What was going on? Did she know something the girls didn’t?
“I just hope they accept me.”
I kneeled and put my hands on Kit’s tiny shoulders. “Whether or not they accept you doesn’t change a thing. You worked hard and went in there and did your best.”
She rolled her eyes. “You sound like my mom.”
“So wise and supportive and awesome, then?” I asked with a wink.
With a huff, she skirted around me and headed down the sidewalk.
I dusted off my pants and stepped up in front of Jess. I wanted to hold her, to kiss her, but her body language told me it wouldn’t be welcome. So I settled for ducking so we were eye to eye.
“You okay?”
She nodded, her gaze darting to the side. “Tired and stressed.”
My gut clenched, but I ignored the sensation. This wasn’t about me. Today was about Kit and Jess. “Do you want a ride back? I had to drive here, and we’ve got a little something planned back at the building.”
She shook her head. “Can you just take us home? It’s been a long day.”
“But—” I snapped my mouth shut.
The look on her face told me she wasn’t just tired, but I wasn’t a mind reader. I had no idea what was going on.
“You didn’t make it on time.” She said it softly, disappointment rolling off her.
My gut plummeted. The last thing I ever wanted was to let her down.
“I got a call as I was getting ready to leave,” I explained. “Cliff Phillips is on hospice. They think it’s the end.”
She gasped, her eyes going wide. “My God, I’m so sorry, Brian. I know how much you care about him.”
“He wanted to see me.” I scratched at the back of my head, ducking so she wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes. “So I drove over there. I didn’t stay long, but I didn’t realize it would take so long to get to the city and find parking.”
“It’s okay,” she murmured. “I understand.”
“It’s not.” I gritted my teeth. “I promise I wanted to be there for Kit, but he needed me. I care about all my clients, but this one is hitting me hard.” Emotion rose in my chest, but I swallowed it down. “I’ve worked with him since my early days at the firm.”
She pressed her lips together, surveying me, her eyes misty. “When you’ve lost people like we have, every loss is harder than the last.”
Our eyes met for a moment and stayed. It was palpable, the grief she carried. Not only for her parents but for the loss of her marriage.
More than anything, I wished I could take it all away. Pack it up in a backpack and lug it around for her.
The whole way home, the girls happily sang Lake Paige songs in the back seat, but Jess was silent, her focus fixed out the window.
When we pulled up to the studio, Kit and Greta bolted, as if they’d been cooped up for hours. They darted inside, leaving Jess and me sitting awkwardly as my car idled on the street.
Every instinct in my body was telling me to leave her alone, to give her space. Retreat.
Even so, I leaned in a fraction. “Are you sure I can’t persuade you to come over? I think the fam has some things planned.”
Jess shook her head, focus fixed on her hands in her lap.
“Can I come in, then?” I asked, tipping her chin up. “I’d love to talk more about today.”
When she finally looked at me, her eyes were teary.
“Later,” she said. “I need to feed the girls and get myself together.”
I nodded. Though I was crestfallen, I kept my face even. She was having a hard enough time. The last thing I wanted was to make her feel worse. “I’ll swing by with Dammit on our evening walk. Tell Kit great job again for me.”
She nodded, though her gaze was distant, her mind elsewhere.
“I love you,” I said softly as she reached for the door handle.
She turned back toward me, a tear cresting her lashes. “I love you too. And that’s the problem.”
My heart lurched. “Problem?”
“Yeah, Brian. It’s a problem.” She let out a shaky breath. “I’m a mess. A screwup. And I’m worried that not only am I dragging my kids down, but I’ll drag you down too eventually.”
Part of my brain lit up. There was no stopping it. She’d just told me she loved me. But the more logical parts were terrified. How could she think so terribly of herself?
“We were doing fine. Rebuilding. Scraping by. We had a plan. And then you came along. And now everything is different.”
“Yes,” I said, my frustration growing. “Different because you’re not alone anymore. Different because I’ve got your back and I love you and your kids.”
Her tears were flowing in earnest now, the sight making my heart crack in two. Shit. I was only making things worse.
“I’m sorry,” I croaked. “I screwed up today—”
“No. You didn’t. You were with your dying friend.” She splayed a hand over her chest. “I’m the problem. You got held up, and I spiraled. It all came back. All the Kenneth shit, all the feelings of being worthless and overlooked.”
I wiped a tear from her cheek with my thumb. “I’m so sorry. But being triggered like that is natural. This is new territory for both of us. But I want to work through it with you.”
“You do?” She sniffled. “Because this is the real me. I’m not some sunflower-in-human-form dream girl. I’m moody and have stretch marks, and sometimes my insecurities get the best of me.”
I pulled her close and kissed her head. “You are my dream girl, and I love all those things about you. I’ve spent two decades in a fog, going through the motions. Doing what was expected of me and never stopping to think about what I wanted.”
“What do you want?”
That was easy. “You. I want partnership and adventure. I want to wake up next to you every morning. I want to watch Kit and Greta grow up.”
With my hands on her cheeks, I kissed her on the mouth. Her lips were salty with tears, but they tugged up in the tiniest of smiles.
“I want Munchkin Mondays and dance party Wednesdays. I want to make magic in the mundane moments of our lives together.”
She sucked in a breath, her chest stuttering. “I want that too.”
“Good.”
“But I just need a minute.”
Ice flooded my veins. What did that mean?
“I’ve got a lot to process,” she whispered.
“If Kit gets in, I have to find a way to pay tuition. And I’ll have to break it to my family that we aren’t moving to Vermont.
I need to think about what our lives are gonna look like if that happens.
If it doesn’t, I’ll have a devastated girl who’s gonna need all my attention. ”
I nodded, willing myself to remain calm. “I want to be a part of your lives. I don’t care where that is.”
I’d move to Vermont in a heartbeat. I’d trade in my Tom Ford for LL Bean and learn how to tap a tree.
She didn’t seem to get it. I was all-in.
But before I could verbalize that, she was opening the door and climbing out.
“I just need a few days,” she said with a soft smile. “I’ll call you.”
Without turning back, she went inside, leaving me confused and heartsick at the same time.