Chapter 42
Jess
Iwas a mess. A certified messy mess. A snotty-nosed, red-faced, dirty-haired mess. I’d been avoiding everyone but my girls and all my responsibilities as I went round and round in circles, obsessing over what to do.
Kit spoke of nothing but music school, and Greta was cranky because we hadn’t been over to see Murphy and T. J. But I just needed some space to sort myself out.
I loved Brian. I was madly in love with him.
And I was so mad about it.
For years, I’d worked to become a strong, independent woman. Not a lovesick teenager. And I had my kids to think about. Bringing someone into their lives was a big deal.
Then there was Vermont. With every day that passed, that dream grew more distant.
I’d take the weekend to get my shit together. That’s what I told myself.
My girls had other ideas.
“Mom, we want to go over to play with T. J. and Murphy,” Kit said from the doorway to my bedroom.
Greta popped up beside her. “We miss Brian.”
They were both fully dressed and wearing shoes. Considering that getting them to put their shoes on was one of my biggest daily challenges, this was highly suspect.
“And we think you do too,” Kit said. “So let’s go see him.”
I looked at my kids, so grown and self-possessed, and my chest ached.
But I exhaled and shook my head. “We have things to do today.”
“You’ve been scrolling Instagram since before we got up,” Kit snapped. “And we all know it’s because you’re super-duper in love with Brian.”
“And want to marry him,” Greta added.
Kit took a step into the room. “So instead of being all moody about it, go tell him.”
They watched me, heads tilted in the same way, expressions full of expectation. Damn. Suddenly, I missed the toddler days. Sure, I’d had to chase them down streets and they used me as their personal napkin, but at least they didn’t weaponize logic against me.
“Girls.” I patted the mattress beside me.
Greta bounced over and sat next to me. Kit, on the other hand, glared at me for another moment before she finally shuffled to my other side.
“I care a lot about Brian,” I said. “But you two are my first priority.” I put my arms around them and pulled them close. “Being your mom is my most important job.”
“You’re talking like you can’t do both,” Kit said far too wisely. “And that’s just silly. You’re always telling us you want us to live big, messy, exciting lives.”
“And to follow our passions,” Greta added.
I pinched the bridge of my nose, simultaneously thrilled that they actually listened to me and annoyed that they listened to those parts so particularly well.
“Let’s walk over,” Kit chided. “Please. Talk to Brian. The two of you can work out all your adult stuff.”
“And kiss each other!” Greta’s eruption was followed by retching noises.
“And we can hang with our friends,” Kit said. “Lo promised me she’d do my nails.”
“And T. J. just got the Up Lego set,” Greta added. “It’s the house with all the balloons, and I wanna help build it.”
With one more squeeze, I released them, then I took a calming breath. God, how badly was I spiraling if I was getting called out by my kids?
Standing, I reached up into a deep stretch. “Okay. Give me a few minutes to get dressed and we’ll walk over and say hi.”
The July air was already sticky with humidity, making me regret the decision to leave my hair down. I had no doubt it was a frizzy mess by the time we made it to the law office and Brian’s apartment.
The hair situation wasn’t the only thing I was regretting as I followed the girls up the back stairs.
Sloane answered, with Tia in her arms. She hugged the girls and ushered them inside, but as I stopped at the threshold, her smile faltered.
“He’s downstairs in his office,” she said, raising one eyebrow. Even in leggings, with a newborn in her arms, she was intimidating as hell. “It’s about time you came over.”
I nodded, biting my bottom lip, and thumbed behind me. “I’ll just…”
“Yeah, you should,” she said firmly as she closed the door between us.
My heart sank as I stomped down the steps. Dammit. Now my friends were pissed at me. Couldn’t a woman have a crisis in peace?
The door that led into the office was unlocked as usual, but most of the lights were off.
Probably because it was a Saturday morning.
Cal and Sully were probably upstairs with their kids.
Lo too. The thought made me sad, because I had no doubt that Brian had been toiling away for hours at this point.
Sure enough, the light in his office was on, casting a glow into the dark hallway. I approached cautiously and knocked gently.
He looked up from his computer, his eyes widening. “Jess?”
“Hi.” I waved awkwardly. “You busy?”
“Never too busy for you.”
My heart skipped a beat. God, why was he so perfect?
“I’m just getting all the Phillips stuff together.”
Only then did it hit me that he’d probably lost a friend in the last forty-eight hours, and I hadn’t even checked on him.
I swallowed past the lump in my throat and stepped into his office. “Did he pass?”
Brian nodded, lowering his face a fraction. “Yesterday. Funeral is Monday. I want to make sure things go smoothly with the estate.”
Of course he did. Because he was endlessly devoted to his people.
He stood, running a hand through his messy hair, his eyes red rimmed and his beard a little unruly.
I wanted to jump into his arms and never let go. But I’d been the one to pull back. I’d been the one to freak out. So I had to be the one to apologize.
“I’m so sorry,” I blurted. “With everything going on, I panicked and needed some time to process.” My voice wavered. “I didn’t mean to push you away.”
He walked around the desk and pulled me into his arms. “It’s okay to need space.”
“No,” I argued into his chest. “I was shitty to you, and you’ve only ever been amazing to me. Sloane is pissed at me.”
Arching back, he smirked and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “She’s overprotective of me, and I may have been a bit grumpy the past two days.”
“Grumpy?” I asked with mock surprise. “You?”
He shook his head and perched on his desk, looking me over from head to toe. “But I do want to talk to you.” Eyes locked on mine, he exhaled slowly. “If I made you feel pressured, I’m sorry. I can move slower, and I’m sorry I upset you.”
“You didn’t upset me,” I said, stepping between his knees. “I’m upset with myself. Things have changed so quickly, and I’m struggling to keep up. I really thought that I’d healed from Kenneth, but I have more work to do.”
“We’re both works in progress,” he said, angling forward to kiss me gently.
Instinctively, I closed my eyes and clutched his shirt. His kiss soothed me, healed me, left me wanting more.
“I want to stand by your side through the triumphs and the challenges,” he urged. “I want to support you in any way you want. But I’ve got to know what’s going on. Please let me in.”
I laid my head against his chest, gathering the courage to unload all the ridiculous thoughts in my head.
“I’m so torn,” I started. “I want everything. I want my kids to run barefoot around the farm, and I want Kit to go to music school. I want movie nights with my Jersey family and a job that I enjoy. I want you, so much, but at the same time, I can’t lose the version of myself I’ve fought so hard to become.
It’s selfish. I’m selfish. I probably sound like a spoiled brat. ”
He wiped away my tears with the pads of his thumbs. “You don’t sound like a brat. It’s okay to want things, Jess. There are a lot of things I want too.”
I sniffled, and he gave me a smile.
“I want it all with you too. You and the girls and my friends and my clients. For me, it’s all interconnected.
” He swallowed audibly. “Cliff was family. Some of my clients are. I deal with extremely personal, sensitive matters for them, so lines get blurred. And while you and the girls and the rest of our Jersey family will always be top priority, my work also matters to me. I want to do it all too.”
He huffed out a weighted breath, and his eyes welled.
“Cliff was my friend,” he said. A tear rolled down his cheek, followed by another, until he was crying in earnest. “I cared about him. I’ve known him and his family since Terry hired me straight out of law school.
And he trusted me with his legacy and his business.
That’s a big deal. It’s a responsibility I take seriously.
But I’ve realized that I’m so much more than my job.
“I’m sorry Kenneth was such a shitty husband and father.” He wiped at his cheeks. “I’m sorry he chose his job and money over you girls. But that was his choice. It has nothing to do with who you are.”
I was sobbing now. How did this man see all my deepest wounds and still want me?
“Look at me.” He tilted my chin up and held my gaze, his eyes burning with intensity.
“I choose you and Kit and Greta. Every day, I will choose you. For so long, I didn’t think I could have it all.
That I even deserved it. But then I found you again and realized genuine happiness was worth fighting for.
I’ll make mistakes and get things wrong, but I’ll work my ass off to make it right and to put you and the kids first.”
My heart panged. How could I not be madly in love with this man? I’d been so angry for falling hard and fast, but what choice did I have?
“I choose you too,” I said softly, wrapping my arms around his torso. “I’m scared as hell, but this is right. I know it in my bones.”
We remained like that, wrapped in one another’s arms, and I embraced the connection and allowed his love to sink into me, all the way to my soul.
This sensation was the kind of thing most people dreamed about.
It was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love.
Sure, it would be challenging, but there was no use fighting this.
“I’m scared too,” he murmured against the top of my head. “But if anyone can do it, it’s us.”
“That’s very positive of you.”
“What can I say? You’re rubbing off on me. I’m becoming a full-blown optimist.”
I palmed his cheeks and pulled him down for another kiss, this one far less gentle. He cupped my chin and teased my lips open, and as he explored my mouth, I melted into him.
“Wait,” he said, pulling back.
Ugh. Things were just getting good, and there was a perfectly good lock on his office door.
“I want to show you something.” He sidestepped me and pulled what looked like rolled-up paper from the shelf behind his desk.
“What is that?”
“This,” he said with a wink, “is having it all.” With care, he unrolled the papers and laid them on his desk.
I tilted my head, trying to decipher the design. “Are those blueprints?”
He nodded, a grin taking over his entire face. “I spoke to Josh. Negotiated a land deal.”
Confusion swirled in my mind, like all the bed rotting I’d done these last couple of days had affected my processing skills. “What are you talking about?”
“Your barn.” He traced his fingers over the design.
“You, Jessica Lawrence Mosely, now own this lovely piece of property in Maplewood, Vermont. And these are the plans for your barndominium conversion. Multiple bedrooms, a screened-in porch, with a music room for Kit, a his-and-hers home office, and a small yoga studio.”
My breath caught and my knees wobbled. This was something out of my wildest fantasies.
“How did you do this?”
“I’m a lawyer, remember?” He’d quickly reverted back to the confident man who was so good in the courtroom. “Paperwork and contracts are kind of my thing. So this is a gift. To you and the girls. You can make any changes you want. Do whatever you want. But it’s yours.”
My heart pounded wildly, and blood rushed in my ears. Was he saying what I think he was saying?
“I love you. I love Kit and Greta. And I love Vermont. So we’re gonna build your barndominium on the farm. A little house where we can spend the summers. That way the kids can have the Vermont childhood you’ve dreamed of.”
I shook my head, not understanding. “But what about your work?”
“I’ve already filed my application to the Vermont bar.
It will take a few months to get licensed, but I’ll work remotely from the farm in the summers and come back to the city when necessary.
Cal and Sully are on board. Also.” He tapped the blueprint.
“You’ll see the design has two large guestrooms to accommodate the visitors we’ll likely have. ”
I traced my fingers over the walls and the roof. My mother’s barn, turned into a home for us and the girls.
“Cal is already planning an annual firm retreat. And Lo’s already had to talk him out of a maple syrup–drinking competition.”
I let out a laugh. That was classic Cal.
“Why?” I asked, more tears welling in my eyes. “Why are you doing this?”
He put his arm around me and pulled me close.
“Because I love you. And Vermont and the farm are part of who you are. You and the kids deserve everything. This way”—he nodded at the plans—“we can have it all together. School in the city, summers on the farm, ski weekends in the winter. We can even drive up for the Maple Festival every spring.”
I had melted into a puddle. That sounded perfect.
“I just have one request.”
“Anything,” I said, still marveling at the massive porch that looked out at the maple groves.
“I want to get married on the farm too.”
I froze, my brain going offline for a moment. When it rebooted, I squeaked, “Get married?”
“Yes. Not now. I’ll wait till you’re ready.
But I want to marry you, Jess. And I want to do it here.
” He placed his fingers on the plans. “In a place that’s special to you, where we know your parents will be looking down on us.
Where we can be surrounded by family and friends and however many goats Josh has collected by then. ”
I gave him a soft smile. “I’m not ready yet.”
I wasn’t sure when I’d be. Marriage had been the furthest thing from my mind until he mentioned it. But I could see it. Someday.
He dipped his chin. “I know.”
“But when I am, I’m gonna marry the shit out of you, Brian Machon.”