20. A Hot Mess
20
A Hot Mess
It’s a tough job. Heartbreaking, sometimes. But I do it for the wins. Like the mom who stays clean for her kids. Or the guy who educates himself and rebuilds his life. Guiding these folks to become more than the mistakes they made, that’s my legacy. Seeing that transformation, that fight to be better...that’s what keeps me going.
Consuela Nova, parole officer
LUCIE
W ere auditory hallucinations another pregnancy symptom? I stared at Danny’s mom, hoping she’d add another number to the thirty. Preferably a number bigger than five.
Giuliana’s brutal smile broadened. “My big brother’s turning thirty next week. Why? How old are you?”
My heart thundered in my chest. Danny seemed so mature, so in control. He had freaking goals. I hadn’t had a clue about life when I was twenty-nine—which was ten years ago. I stood so fast my folding chair thumped to the ground.
“I—I need air.”
Danny stood and righted my chair. “We’re already outside. Are you okay?”
“No.” I looked up into his unlined face. Fuck! I’d seen what I wanted to see. Anyone who paid attention would know it wasn’t good genes that made his skin so flawless. Or kept his stomach so flat and his hair so lush. It was the fact that he was in his goddamn twenties! “I’m leaving. I’ll call a rideshare.”
I turned and jogged away as quickly as I could, considering the sway of my upsized pregnancy boobs. I’d just reached the open doors into the hall when I felt a touch on my arm.
“No.” Knowing it was Danny, I shook my head. But I slowed to a brisk walk now that I was inside.
“Lucie, it doesn’t matter.”
I spun to face him. “You knew I thought you were older! Because I’d never…I wouldn’t…” But I had. Not only had I slept with a man in his twenties, but I’d let him get me pregnant. I’d saddled a man ten years younger than me with a child.
“I…figured you thought I was older. Most people do. Since I was a kid, and my mom needed help with my younger siblings, I’ve always acted like I was older. More responsible.” He glanced around us. “Let’s go outside.”
Shaking off his hand, I stomped out of the hall to the parking lot. The sun broke out from behind the clouds and blazed down on me, soaking into my black dress and heating my skin uncomfortably.
“You aren’t ready for this.” I gestured at my slightly rounded belly. “I wasn’t when I was in my twenties. How could you fucking not tell me you’re only twenty-nine? Did you know I’m ten years older than you? I’ll be forty in August.”
“How could I not tell you?” He flipped his palms up to the sky. “Because all you want to do with me is fuck. We don’t talk.”
“Talk? What do you want to talk about? We have nothing in common.”
He looked like I’d slapped him. “Because I didn’t go to college, because I work in a bar?—”
“That’s not it,” I cut in. “My life was totally different when I was in my twenties. I was still finding my way, figuring shit out.”
He raised an eyebrow. “And now you’ve got it all figured out?”
Sweat trickled between my boobs. I was a hot mess. And by hot, I didn’t mean attractive. And he’d called me on my bullshit. “Fuck you.” I pulled my phone from my dress pocket and pulled up a rideshare app.
He covered the screen with his big hand. “How can we be partners when you don’t talk to me? When every time you don’t like something, you storm off and give me the silent treatment?”
My hackles rose. “Okay. Fine. You want to talk? Let’s talk. When I was in my twenties, I had an abortion. I wasn’t ready to be a mother. Just like you aren’t ready to be a father.”
His eyes widened, and he shot a quick glance at the church. “Let’s go sit in my car. I’ll turn on the air conditioning.”
“I don’t want to sit in your car,” I said. Steam was probably rising from my head. “I want to go home. Alone . While you stay here. Or go out. A guy your age should be partying with your friends on a Saturday. Or sitting at a baseball game, drinking a beer.” God, a beer sounded fantastic. But I’d have to settle for a big, cathartic cry by myself in my apartment.
“God—fucking—damn it, Lucie!” He ran a hand through his hair. “Why can’t you see that I’m exactly where I want to be? I want to be here, at the goddamn church, with my nosy, troublemaking family, and you.”
The sun had fried my brain. That was it. It made me hallucinate. I sank to the hot concrete curb.
Danny was next to me in a moment. “Lucie, are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital? I can get Giuliana. She’s trained in first aid.”
“No,” I mumbled. “I…I thought I heard you say you wanted to be here with me.”
“That’s what I said.” He rubbed a circle on my back, and it felt nice. “Lucie, I don’t give a shit about our age difference. I like you. A lot. And I’m ready to be your partner in this.”
“How?” I looked up from the pavement. “How can we do this?”
He made a slower circle. “Any way we want. I don’t care what anyone else thinks or how anyone else would do it. I want us to figure it out. Together.”
I let my temple fall to his shoulder. I was still warm, but I wasn’t ready to claw out of my dress, out of my skin, anymore. “I don’t think Giuliana likes me.”
His chin settled on my forehead. “She thinks she’s protecting me. She’s a lot like you. She can’t imagine I’d want a baby. A family. Because she doesn’t.”
“Why do you want a family?” I asked, hypnotized by those circles he made on my back.
He paused. “I’ve always been surrounded by family. Even though I didn’t have what most people think of as a traditional family. You know we all have different fathers? Except for the twins, of course.”
I lifted my head from his shoulder to look at him. He didn’t seem upset or embarrassed about it. “Tell me more.”
Gently, he encouraged me to snuggle back into him with my head on his shoulder. “My mom and dad were married. He was older than her by about ten years.”
“There seems to be a theme here,” I said.
“Maybe.” He shrugged. “He died of a heart attack when I was one.”
“Wow. So young.”
“You can have a heart attack, even in your thirties.”
That could be a reason he didn’t want to wait to have kids. “So, your mom remarried?”
“Nah. I think she didn’t want to go through that heartbreak again. But she still liked sex, so…”
I hid my face in his shirt. I knew exactly what that so meant. Carrie and I had something in common.
“What about you?” he asked. “Why did you decide you were ready for a family now?”
“I figured it was my last chance. I’d been thinking about IVF, so when fate offered a free pregnancy, I…I kept it.” My story felt a lot more selfish than Danny’s.
“And what about your family?” he asked softly.
I considered telling him how pregnancy had shattered my mother’s dreams. How my father had selfishly stayed in the program that ejected her. How my brilliant mother had set everything aside to be less than she could’ve been.
I shrugged. “Just your typical family. Nothing special.”
“Hey.” He eased out from under me and set two fingers under my chin. “Everything about you is special. Don’t ever forget it.” Then he kissed me.
I wasn’t worthy of his high opinion of me, or of his care, or even of his big, loud family, but I kissed him back.
And just like Danny had promised, I burst into flame.