30. I Don’t Want a Nice Woman
30
I Don’t Want a Nice Woman
The Color Purple
In a cocktail shaker, combine 1/2 ounce blue curacao syrup and 1 ounce grape juice and shake. Pour into a lowball glass filled with ice. Top off the glass with black cherry seltzer. Garnish with blackberries and blueberries.
DANNY
“ W hat are you so dressed up for?” Lucie asked when she opened her door.
“Our date.” I wasn’t exactly dressed up, but I’d ironed my jeans, and I had on the dark gray wool sweater Ma had gotten me for Christmas last year. Giuliana said it made my eyes look like topaz.
Lucie didn’t know it, but we were getting photographed. I wanted to show our daughter the pictures from today and be proud of how I looked. Smiling, I extended the bouquet of daisies.
She didn’t take them. “You said we were going for a walk. I spent ten minutes trying to tie my damn boots.” She held up a foot. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to put on shoes when there’s a beach ball strapped to your middle?”
I grimaced. “Sorry. You should have waited. I’d have helped you.”
“I don’t need help.” She tugged down her black tunic so it covered the stretchy panel in her black maternity pants. “And why would I need flowers for a walk?”
That was the problem with dating a journalist. She asked an awful lot of questions. “You don’t need them. I wanted to give them to you to show you I care about you.”
She fisted the front of my sweater and pulled me down for a kiss. It was rough and needy and demanding, like I hadn’t left her apartment an hour ago. Like we hadn’t slept together in her bed every night for the last week since she’d come home from her trip. At last, she pulled back. “We don’t need to go for a fucking walk for you to show me that. We can stay here and you can do that thing with your tongue. Though I’m going to need help getting my shoes off.”
Tempting as her offer was, I smoothed my sweater. “We have plans. We’ll go for a walk, and when we come back, I’ll fuck you senseless. I promise.”
“Senseless sounds amazing.” She pressed up against me, and I felt a jab against my hip. “See, even she likes the idea.”
I stepped back. “The thought of our daughter wanting me to fuck you is really confusing for my libido, you know.”
“Okay, I can understand that. But she’s excited about something. Feel this.” She took my hand and held it to the side of her belly. Something hard poked my palm. After a second, it happened again.
“What is that?” I asked.
“Foot? Or an elbow, maybe? I’m guessing it’s getting pretty tight in there, and she’s trying to make more room. Gotta say, I much prefer her kicking that direction than toward my bladder. Speaking of which, I’d better pee before we go.”
“I’ll put these in water.” I waved the bouquet.
In her kitchen, I pulled the vase from the top of her refrigerator. I knew she wouldn’t love the idea of moving out to the suburbs, but the kitchens out there were so much better. She’d have enough cabinets for more than one vase. There would be room for healthy snacks and her collection of barware. But the best part was that there’d be a room for the baby, with a separate office to write her books. And I’d take care of it all, from finding a place to handling the movers to ensuring everything was freshly painted and clean. All Lucie would have to do would be show up at our new home and sit down at her desk to write.
It would be great for all three of us.
I filled the vase with water, snipped the ends of the stems, and stuck them into the vase. I took a minute to wash the plate and cup in her sink and put them away. Yes, living together would be the best situation for all of us.
Lucie appeared in the doorway. “Let’s go before I have to pee again.”
My heart flipped. It was almost time for the big event. I clasped her hand. “Let’s go.”
The drive to Golden Gate Park didn’t take long on a Saturday, although parking was a bitch. Fortunately, there was a restroom at the main entrance, and we were running only a little behind schedule by the time we set off toward the far side of the park.
I should’ve been prepared for how slowly Lucie walked these days. I supposed I’d amble too if I were carrying an almost full-grown infant and my joints were loosening to prepare for childbirth. Yeah, I’d been reading Dr. Dunne’s Guide to Pregnancy too. I already knew a lot from watching Ma’s pregnancies, and my cousins’, but Dr. Dorothy Dunne explained everything I’d observed so clearly.
Still, it was hard to be patient with the buzzes coming from the phone in my pocket. My heart raced as we plodded along the path around the conifer lawn.
“Let’s sit.” Lucie beelined toward a bench. “Then we can turn back.”
“Turn back?” That would ruin my plan. I paced next to the bench, too wound up to sit. “We’ll rest, then we’ll go a little farther. There’s something I want to show you.”
“You can show me whatever it is next time. My hips are aching.” She rubbed the side of her stretchy maternity pants.
That hit me right in the chest. I’d pushed her too far. Why hadn’t I tried harder to find parking at the north entrance?
“What if I carry you?” I asked.
She looked like I’d proposed she join the Polar Bear Club and jump into the Pacific in January. “Excuse me, did you just offer to carry me?”
“Umm…yeah? There’s a really pretty pond with a platform that extends into the middle of it.” Where my family was waiting for the big moment. “It’s not far. You could ride piggyback.”
“Absolutely not. Now help me up, and we’ll turn back.”
“Hold on, hold on.” I could salvage my plan. I whipped my phone out of my pocket and texted the group, Come meet us at the conifer lawn. Hurry!
“We can rest here a little longer.” I sat next to her on the bench. “I’ll rub your feet.”
“You can do that at home,” she said. “Let’s go.”
Home slowed my heartbeat. Soon, we’d have a home together, all three of us. I scanned the tree line. I could do this without witnesses. The thing that mattered most was that she knew how I felt and that we were together, always.
“Lucie, I have a question.” I slipped off the bench and kneeled at her feet. “This last month since your birthday, we’ve grown so much closer. I love taking care of you. In fact”—I took a deep breath—“I love you, and I want us to be together. Not just as co-parents, but as partners. I want you to marry me.” Digging in my pocket, I found the velvet box. I opened it, then I looked up into her face.
She had that same look of horror as when I’d proposed to carry her.
She needed more convincing.
“I’m going to get us a house in the suburbs. Something near my mom’s. It’s a good neighborhood for kids, and we won’t need to put the baby into daycare because my family will babysit. She can grow up with my little cousins.” I pushed the ring closer to her. The diamond was tiny, since I wanted to put as large a down payment as I could on the house. But it was high quality, like Lucie.
“Stop.” She held up her hands, and that’s when I heard the click of a shutter. Elena, always the fastest runner, had reached us with her Nikon to capture the moment. “You’re buying a house?”
“It’ll be better for us to live together while we raise the baby. I’ll take care of both of you.”
“What about the bar? What about your dream?”
I rubbed the sore spot in my chest. “It’s not my dream anymore. You and our family are my dream now.”
“Oh, Danny.” Her expression turned from horror to pity. “I can’t be your dream. You’re so young. You’re caught up in this pregnancy, and it’s confused you about what you want.”
There was another click, and Lucie turned her head and spotted Elena crouching nearby. “Is that your sister?”
“Yeah.” My face went hot.
“Hey, Elena. Could you cool it with the photos, please?”
“Sure, Lucie.” She put her camera down but stared at us like she was at Shakespeare in the Park.
This scene was starting to feel like I was the butt of a joke in a comedy. My blood heated. “Just because I’m a few years younger than you doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want. I’m an adult. I’ve taken care of all four of my younger siblings and a bunch of my cousins. I’m good at it. You’ll see.”
She shook her head. “No, Danny, I won’t. My mother gave up her life, her career, and her dreams for my dad and me, and I?—”
“But I’m not asking you to give up anything,” I insisted. The rest of my family had arrived, and they were loitering nearby, pretending to mind their own business but listening to every word. “I’m offering to help you achieve your dreams. When we’re married and living together, it’ll be easy for me to care for the baby while you’re off saving the world.”
“Let me finish,” she said. “I won’t let you do what my mom did. My dreams aren’t the only ones that are important. I didn’t want to saddle you with a baby, much less a mortgage. You can’t give up your plans for the bar, not even for the baby. And certainly not for me.”
She heaved herself off the bench and started walking back the way we’d come.
I snapped the box shut and shoved it back into my pocket. When I looked up, all four of my siblings and my mom stared at me as they held up their phones. Fuck! They’d recorded the whole humiliating spectacle. Because I’d asked them to.
I sprang after Lucie.
She was walking fast, but she was still tired and pregnant. I caught her in a minute. “Look, let’s take some time to think about it. We'll talk. You’ll tell me what you want, and we’ll find a middle ground.”
She planted her feet and jammed her hands onto her hips. “We don’t have to talk through it. Here’s what I want: I want to live in the city so I can do my job. I want this child to grow up seeing her mother as a strong, independent woman who doesn’t have to compromise between motherhood and a career.
“And here’s what I don’t want: I don’t want to ruin your life by making you give up what you want for some family fantasy I can’t—I won’t—give you.”
She waved back to where my family stood in a circle around that bench, sneaking looks at us. “I can’t give you that. This baby is it for me. Someday, you’ll find one of those nice women at church who can give you five more kids and who wants to live out in the fucking suburbs. But that’s not me.” She strode off down the path.
I jogged to catch up. “I don’t want a nice woman. I want you.” Then I played back what I’d said and winced. “I mean?—”
She gazed straight ahead. “You’re very sweet, Danny. But you’re young, and you have no idea what you want.”
I grabbed her hand and pulled her to a stop. “Goddammit! I’m thirty fucking years old! I know what I want, and it’s you!”
“No, Danny, it’s not.” Her eyes glistened with tears. “You want the dream. That’s not me.”
I tugged her into my arms. “You’re right about a lot of things, Lucie Knox, but you’re wrong about this.” I kissed the top of her head. “Come on. I’ll take you home, then I’ll go to work. We can talk about it in the morning.”
“No.” She pulled out of my arms. “I already texted Carly. She’s going to pick me up. I need space.”
“Okay. We can talk after I get off work tonight.”
She shook her head. “I need more space than that. I’ll find you when I’m ready to talk.”
“But when?—”
She turned and walked away, and I knew better than to follow. I wasn’t sure I could, anyway, with my heart shattered in pieces there on the path.