7. Kristen
7
KRISTEN
I can’t stand to bring myself to follow Seth as he leaves the bakery. Instead, I finish my cold croissant and coffee before heading to the store. His words hurt, but the truth is what dug into me. It’s as if I’m gripping a bunch of roses by their thorns.
Love is beautiful, but painful.
And to think I’m causing him pain, again, has me wallowing in the silence of the dusty bookstore. In an effort to meet him I send a text about returning his shirt. But by the evening he still hasn’t read it. I curl up on the sofa bed and try to focus on reading. The words blur together. All I can think about is the day I left for California.
I had my bags packed ready for my mom to drive me to the airport. Seth and I had done nothing but argued about our respective college choices, long distance relationships, and our future together. He was adamant we could stay together and make it work.
Seth’s always been a romantic.
But I saw what love did to my mother after my dad died.
Every year she got worse and while I loved Seth, I never wanted to be put through that intense of heartache. Instead of discussing our future further, I ended things and left without a word. I settled into my college routine, changed my number, and seldom made visits to Maine. When I visited, I pretty much holed up with my grandmother in her place.
I’ll give him a few days to cool off. Last night was the best sex I’ve had in years and I know he enjoyed it as much as I did. Enough to go another round this morning in the shower.
Yeah, I’ll give him a few days to cool down.
Then maybe he’ll be open to talking and would consider something more casual until I leave for California. I could avoid the times he has Riley.
Wednesday night is wine night with the girls and I come bearing a stack of romance books to give out. I meet them all at Bethany’s home. I knew Marie, Bethany, and Violet from way back but this is the first time I’m meeting Sally. I can see how Victor fell for her, she’s an absolute delight. Everyone brought something. The coffee table is full of cookies, wine bottles, and my stack of paperbacks.
“How’s the listing going for the bookstore?” Bethany asks as she pours me a glass of rosé.
“I met with my realtor yesterday. She took a bunch of pictures and said it shouldn’t take long for a buyer.” I run my fingers around the edge of my wineglass as I stare at the pink liquid.
“Why so glum?” Violet offers me a treat as she speaks. I take a sugar cookie and set my glass down.
“I guess I thought I’d end up being in town a lot longer.” I eat the cookie. No wonder the bakery is always packed. I’ve yet to have something I haven’t loved.
“Because you want to spend more time in town,” Bethany sharpens her gaze, “or spend more time with a certain six-foot-tall hunk?”
Sally’s eyes widen as she looks between us.
“Who’s the mystery hunk?” Sally questions as I immediately stutter out that it’s nothing like that.
“You know Seth? He has the cute little girl and they come in for cake pops?” Sally nods along as I shake my head back and forth.
Mortified, I can feel my cheeks start to redden. The room feels extra hot now, I take a large gulp of my wine.
“It’s not about him.” I set my glass down. “I thought I’d have more time with my grandmother’s store.”
“Maybe, but you’ve already been here a week,” Marie points out. “That’s longer than you were in town for your grandmother’s funeral.”
“That’s true. I was able to get most things organized from out of state. And I took the items I wanted to keep before letting my lawyers handle the house sale and estate things. It wasn’t too complicated.” I play with the hem of my shirt.
I spent more time with my grandmother in bookstore than her home. Her house was a place she slept. The store was where she lived.
That’s why I’m dragging my feet. It’s not because of Seth.
“Take it from me,” Bethany tops my glass up, “he looks at you like he did back then.” She shakes her head. “No that’s not quite right. He used to look at you with puppy dog eyes, so cute and endearing. Now it’s more like a hunger.” She mimics a cat growl and paw motion.
The room erupts into laughter, even I can’t help but giggle.
“I have missed him, and it seems like nothing has changed.”
“What does your gut think?” Sally inquires, “If you left tomorrow would you have regrets?”
I already regret leaving the first time.
I never stopped loving Seth.
For the first time my feelings are beating out what my brain is saying. I didn’t want to give in to love completely. I left to avoid any heartache, but instead I caused myself to never truly love another person. Seth has always been there at the back of my brain. whenever something amazing happened, he was the one I wanted to call but never did. He was my first love and my only love thus far.
None of my relationships since have moved past the early dating stages. They’ve all fizzled out like sparklers.
Maybe it’s time to take a risk.
I steer the conversation away from me, my mind muddled with the decisions I need to make. Sally and Marie talk about their husbands attempting surfing lessons. The rest of the evening is full of laughter, wine, and cookies. Everyone leaves with hugs, books, and empty Tupperware. I walk away with revived and new friendships.
Maybe I could make a home for myself in Kastle Harbor.
I make a note to call my realtor tomorrow with my change of plans.