23. Asher
ASHER
The sky overhead was overcast, a gunmetal grey that threatened weather.
I could care less as I stood over the small patch of grass that grew over Emma's grave.
For twenty minutes I'd been here staring, clearing the dirt and sticks off this little plot and making sure every dandelion plant was uprooted.
I didn't come here very often. I wasn't one of those people who visited the graves of loved ones to talk to them, or at least, I never had been one.
But I didn't want to go home and be alone.
It felt like punishment after a day like today where my own brother betrayed me yet again.
To have to go home to an empty house that was supposed to be filled with warmth and affection, the scent of things cooking in the kitchen and the patter of little feet toddling around.
Emma was always there for me when I got home.
She'd rush to the door and wrap her arms around me.
I'd pick her up and spin her around and set her down and kiss her gently.
And now I walked into a soundless vacuum where my heart went to die.
Where I went to drink myself to a stupor and get lost in my emotion.
Those patterns had remained the same for the past two years. More than seven hundred and eighty days of doing the same thing on repeat and I was trying to break that habit now to stay sober instead of going home to drink.
"God, I miss you," I said to no one in particular. Or maybe it was to Emma, if she could hear me. But saying it out loud felt comforting, not as comforting being with Veda was, but it took a bit of the edge off my emotions.
I crouched, putting myself closer to the tiny headstone I had created for our little one. Tears streaked my face as I dusted the top of the tiny gravestone off and finally felt myself break.
"Emma, you know… God… You'd know exactly what to say. Wouldn’t you? I mean… you always knew Clayton was a very broken man. Now look at us both." I sniffled and wiped my eyes, but the tears kept coming.
"I feel lost, Emma. I feel like life just got really hard and I don't know what to do anymore. Clayton is so angry and it's all about our parents. You know… Mom and Dad… they were never there, and they're gone, just like you. And now what do I do?"
Letting this emotion out was supposed to feel freeing, but it felt crippling. I fell forward to my hands and knees and sobbed. Like if I tried hard enough, I could reach my family that I’d lost and bring them back. Other than the one man trying to destroy me, I had no family here, no blood.
"It's so hard, Emma. You were my best friend. You always knew what to say to help me, and now…"
Pausing, I sat back and used both hands to scrub down my face.
Veda had slipped out of my office sometime after Penny started talking to me, when Robert came in to make sure I didn't have plans to go get plastered.
I looked for her but she'd gone for the day, and after using her as my emotional catharsis tool I didn't want to bother her again.
I wound up here, reaching for anything to give me hope but all I was finding was more torment.
"I met someone," I said softly. "Emma, you'd love her… Veda is so strong and bold, just like you. And she is so funny and smart. Beautiful… You'd be jealous of that," I said, smiling, but knowing it was true. "And I love her… And I want to be with her, and I'm scared I'm going to mess it up."
Sucking in a deep breath, I sighed and dried more of my tears as I felt the first droplets of rain pepper my face.
"I'm gonna marry her, Emma. I'm ready to move on, and I know it's what you'd want…
." Saying those words out loud felt freeing. Like admitting that letting go of the past physically broke the tether to it so my heart could feel less restless about it. It didn’t remove my love for my late wife, nor did it stop the ache of missing her.
It was more like giving myself permission to breathe again.
And that breath was finally refreshing.
I stood as the rain started to pick up to a light sprinkle.
"I will always love you…" I whispered to the breeze that carried my words away.
Wherever Emma was, I hoped that she was at peace now, more so than I was, because life was a constant upheaval for me.
But when I was with Veda I felt more stable.
That revelation alone confirmed in my heart what I had to do.
I walked back toward the car where my driver kept the engine running and the heat on. When I got there he was waiting with the door open and an umbrella up.
"Sir?" he said, asking in his own way where we were going next.
I looked up at him and nodded my thanks. "We'll head down town, David. How about Kay's on Twelfth Street?" When he met my gaze it was with a smile.
"Of course, sir," he said with a knowing nod and a half smile. "I'd be happy to."
That interaction was enough to confirm to me that my direction was correct. I intended to marry Veda Porter. She was the best thing that had happened to me in years. The only thing in my life that I saw as one hundred percent positive now, and there was no doubt in my mind I had to have her.
Let Clayton rage.
Let alcohol tempt me.
Let life spin wildly out of control now.
Because I had an anchor for my soul, and no matter what storm came against me, I knew I would be just fine with Veda in my arms.