Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen
Damien set his suitcase down inside the front door of his apartment and let the quiet settle over him. No ocean. No Caribbean music. No Mandy.
He lived on the twenty-seventh floor to avoid some of the usual noises of the city, so the only things he could hear were the hum of his refrigerator and taxi horns honking down below on Eighty-fifth Street.
He wanted to throw something. He wanted to lift his suitcase and toss it right out the window of his living room.
Everything had been fine. He had been living his life, in a narrow, stilted kind of way, that was true, but he had been coping. He hadn’t felt anything.
Now he wanted what he couldn’t have.
Damien had turned his phone back on at the airport and he had no texts, no messages. He had been gone five days and he didn’t have a single fucking text message. This was what had happened to him. No one knew where he was, no one cared.
He had nothing.
Hurtling his keys on the counter, he dug in his pocket for his phone.
He scrolled through his camera roll for a specific picture.
The one of Jess leaning over his shoulder, her long hair tumbling down his chest. Her eyes were laughing at the camera as she posed, looking perfectly pretty the way she always had.
The expression on his face was different than hers.
He looked graspingly happy, like he was in ecstasy, and terrified it would disappear.
Well, it had, but not the way he’d always expected.
In the back of his head, he had always assumed Jessica would leave him someday.
He couldn’t keep her happy, and they had always swung from blissful calm to outbursts of discontent—weeks where she would mope around and he would do everything short of kissing her ass to get her to smile again.
But never had he expected that night when Jess had gotten angry with him and run off with her friends, as she did on a regular basis, that she would wind up dead.
The image staring back at him was five years old.
But the guilt he always felt was just as fresh as it had been years ago when he’d realized that he wasn’t strong enough, man enough, smart enough, to love Jessica the way she needed to be loved.
Yet for the first time ever, Jessica’s voice, her smell, her touch, was drowned out by another woman.
And he knew that was the ultimate betrayal of his dead wife.
Mandy was grateful Jamie had been walking into the apartment building at the same time as she’d been getting out of the cab she’d shared with Damien from LaGuardia. It had given her the option to wave away Damien’s offer to carry her suitcase up and avoid more awkward goodbyes.
Jamie, bless her, had been oblivious, giving Mandy a big hug and grabbing her suitcase straightaway, chattering about the spring storm they were expecting as she waved Damien off with a smile.
Mandy had managed her own tepid smile before letting Jamie lead her into the building. Damien hadn’t smiled at all.
“You look so awesome, Mandy! The weather must have agreed with you.”
The weather or the sex. One of the two. “I do feel much better.”
“Good. Hey, let’s order some takeout and you can tell us all about it.”
“Super.” This was the downside to having roommates. When you wanted to be alone and just have a good crying jag, they were there. Not that she had any right to be crying. There had been no surprises from Damien, and she hadn’t wanted any.
Maybe she was just tired.
Maybe it was hormones.
Mandy opened their apartment door and stepped inside, shivering a little. Sixty degrees and sunny was okay, but she had adjusted pretty quickly to running about in a bathing suit.
Caroline was on the couch, her glasses on her nose as she studied some papers in her hand. “Mandy! You look great. How was the trip?” Caroline looked behind her at Jamie and curled her lip. “But first I have to warn you, Ben was here.”
Oh, God. Mandy wrapped her arms around herself and groaned. “When?” She was looking forward to putting her feet up, eating herself sick, and sleeping straight through to tomorrow. She did not want to think about Ben.
Caroline tossed down what she was holding and lifted her glasses off.
“Just ten minutes ago.” Her disapproval was obvious.
“I told him you were just getting back from the Caribbean and would call him tomorrow, but he said he’d wait.
He went across the street to the deli. He probably saw you come in and he’ll be back over here any minute. ”
“Damn!” Mandy ran over to the mirror hanging in the hall. “I’m a wreck! I have plane hair.”
“Who cares what you look like?” Jamie sniffed. “I think he has a lot of nerve just showing up here without even calling first. Where has he been for the last three months?”
While that was true, it didn’t negate the need to look good when she saw him again. Obviously Caroline understood her plight better as she was whipping a comb and lipstick out of her purse on the coffee table.
Mandy had just patted, powdered, and finished puckering when someone knocked on the door. She was glad she was wearing a sundress and heels. “Do I look pregnant?” she asked as Jamie went to answer the door.
“No,” Caroline said.
“Good.” She wasn’t sure why it mattered, but she didn’t want Ben to see her as a pregnant woman. She didn’t want to see how he would react.
After letting Ben in, Jamie and Caroline discreetly took themselves off down the hall, and Mandy was left staring at the man who had fathered her baby.
She felt surprisingly little.
She didn’t remember him being quite so short, or his blond hair quite so thin on top. “Hello, Ben. How are you?”
“Mandy.” He came forward and kissed her cheek. “I’m fine, thanks. And I have to say, pregnancy agrees with you. You look fantastic.”
Well, it was something. She couldn’t help but grit her teeth, though. Had he been hoping she would look like hell as she pined over him?
“Thank you.” She stared at him expectantly.
There had to be a point to this little visit, and she didn’t feel like being courteous in the meantime.
Any feelings she had ever had for his politeness, his stability, his kindness, had all evaporated when he had told her he had no intention of ever seeing his child.
“Can I sit down?” Ben was wearing neatly pressed navy slacks and a white golf shirt. He patted his pocket and smiled awkwardly, almost as if he were nervous.
“Ben.” She sighed. Sleeping was sounding more and more appealing. “I just got home from a business trip. I’ve been on a plane for over three hours and stood in line at customs for almost two. I’m tired. What do you want?”
“My son just graduated from Fordham this past weekend.”
A pain started behind her eyes. That son was her child’s half brother and her baby would never even know him.
“Give him my congratulations then.” She had never met Ben’s children, so she doubted Ben would tell him anything.
She almost laughed at the inanity of her comment, but her mother had taught her manners, if anything.
“I will. And seeing him, well, it got me thinking. You’re having my child.”
Was that supposed to be a newsflash? Mandy decided her feet hurt too much to stand anymore. She sank onto the couch and kicked off her sandals. “That’s my understanding, yes.”
“And I thought I ought to check on you, see how you are. See if you need anything.” He cleared his throat and looked at her.
Was she supposed to understand what the hell he wanted? Because it wasn’t getting through to her.
“I’m doing quite well. I have a new job, with good benefits.
” Though the biggest benefit—Damien in her bed—was no longer available.
“I’m feeling better now that the morning sickness has passed, and the doctor says everything is progressing normally.
I don’t really need anything right now.” Except for him to go home so she could lie on her bed and give large melancholy sighs as she thought about her boss.
“We could get back together,” he blurted suddenly, ramming his hand into his pocket. “Pick up where we left off.”
Mandy closed her eyes and prayed she would not strangle the biological father of her unborn child. Searching for every shred of decency she possessed, she spoke slowly so she wouldn’t start cursing at him. “I don’t think that’s possible, Ben. I don’t have the feelings for you I once did.”
“I’m not suggesting we live together or anything.” He hastened to make qualifications to his statement as if she hadn’t even spoken. “I don’t think either of us is ready for that. But I want to be in our child’s life. And yours. We’ve a permanent bond now, Mandy.”
That’s what she was afraid of. “I won’t deny our child its father if you want to be involved.”
Ben came toward her and smiled, sitting next to her on the couch. “I knew you’d be a sport about this, Mandy. I just needed time to get used to the idea. You can understand that.”
Oh, she could understand it all right. But unlike him, she hadn’t been given the option of ignoring the situation for three months. She turned, her patience entirely used up, when she saw that Ben was leaning toward her.
Oh, dear God, he was going to kiss her. She stood hastily up, bumping Ben’s nose with her arm. “I’m really done up, Ben. Why don’t you call me in a few days when you’ve thought out exactly what it is you want.”
“I know what I want. You and our child.” His gaze went to her chest as he stood up next to her. “You’ve changed since I saw you last. You look bloody fantastic, Mandy.”
If he tried to touch her breast she was going to scream. “Ben!”
“What?” He looked genuinely surprised, which meant he hadn’t been listening to a word she’d said. “I care about you, Mandy. We were together for six months, and I thought you’d be happy now that I’ve come to my senses. A child needs both parents.”
That was true. It was absolutely true. Yet she suddenly felt like crying. “Ben, please just give me some space. I’m really tired. Please.”