27. James
27
JAMES
T ension spread across my chest as I jogged up the steps to the Museum of Natural History for a bunch of different reasons. The primary one was trying to figure out why were we meeting here ?
When Christopher had suggested the two of us getting out in the world instead of hanging in his apartment like usual, I’d been shocked. But then again, in the weeks since his “slip up” (as Bernie called it), he’d been making all sorts of changes. It was almost like going through the trauma had shifted the way he saw the world. Well, that and the new therapist he’d hired.
I strode into the great room prepared to find a bench so I could wait for my perpetually late brother, but he was already there looking healthier and happier than I’d seen in ages.
“Hey,” I said, pulling him into a quick hug. I didn’t care about my stone-cold reputation or any potential stalk-arazzi around, after everything we’d been through, when I saw my brother, I was going to hug him. Hard.
“Hey yourself, right on time.” He slapped me on the back a few times.
“Yeah, you need to tell me what we’re doing here.” I gestured to the swarms of school kids shrieking around us. “This feels really odd.”
“Walk with me,” he said cryptically, gesturing me to follow him.
We wound up in a quieter exhibit hall, filled with gems and minerals.
“You looking to pick up a new hobby or something?” I asked, pointing to the display with rocks cracked open to reveal sparkly interiors. “What’s up?”
He ignored my weak attempt at an icebreaker. “Lots, actually. First, I wanted to talk to you about Amanda.”
My stomach bottomed out. Fuck. After everything he was still hung up on her? The day she’d visited him in the hospital she’d stormed out of his room after about ten minutes, and he’d been stony and silent when I went in to check on him. He hadn’t said anything about what went on between the two of them, and it didn’t feel like it was my place to ask.
“Okay…” I said slowly. “I’m listening.”
I pretended to be interested in the various sparkly things around us, but there was no way I could focus on anything but Christopher. I tried to be subtle as I studied him. Was I missing signs of distress again? Was he manic and hiding it?
“I said some really shitty things to her when she came to visit me,” he began. “I just wanted to hurt her the way she’d hurt me, you know?”
I nodded, secretly pleased that he’d stood up for himself and put her in her place for a change.
“I was going to leave it at that. Just close that chapter of my life, move on and be done with her. It wasn’t true closure, but I felt like I’d made my point, you know? Then she reached out to me a week later and asked to meet for coffee.”
I could feel the frown taking over my face, so I struggled to remain neutral. “Yeah but…what about the restraining order Tim threatened?”
He waved his hand and made a disgusted noise. “That was all bullshit. Tim was being an insecure dick. She was never on board with that.”
Given that he’d sounded like a puffed-up, insecure bully on the phone, I wasn’t shocked.
“At first I was stressed out about meeting her,” Christopher said, cracking his knuckles as we walked through the exhibit. “Was she going to scream at me and cause a scene? I was prepared for anything. But guess what she did?”
I snorted angrily. “The sky is the limit with that woman.”
“Right? Well, the very first thing she did when we sat down was apologize to me. I nearly passed out, because I didn’t think the word ‘sorry’ was part of her vocabulary.”
“Amanda apologized to you? For what?”
Christopher ducked his head and shoved his hands in his pockets. “A lot of stuff. Some of it was pretty deep. The headline of all of it? This baby was unplanned. She flat-out told me that it wasn’t a case of not wanting a baby with me and wanting one with Tim. When she said that I felt like a weight had been lifted off my heart. I kept beating myself up, you know? Why him ? What did Tim have that I didn’t? But in the end it wasn’t about that.”
“Well shit, so she still doesn’t want a baby and she’s having one?” I asked. “That poor kid.”
Christopher shrugged. “I didn’t want to get into that. It’s not my business now. And to acknowledge that fact—that what she does has nothing to do with me—and be okay with it? It’s incredible. I feel like I have…well, I have peace . That anger I used to feel is gone. I’m not obsessed with punishing her for hurting me. Honestly, I walked away from that meeting and felt like a new man. My life is about moving forward, and she’s not a part of it. I’m not stuck in the past now.”
A wave of envy rolled through me. What I wouldn’t give to feel that way. Of course, I didn’t envy everything my brother had been through to get to this point, but I sure as hell wished I could be positive about my own future—that I could see new things on the horizon that had me hopeful or optimistic. All I had were questions, sadness, and so much left unsaid.
“You should try having an actual conversation when you’re going through tough shit, you know? Talking things out does wonders.” Christopher gave me a pointed look that I ignored.
“Well, good for you.” I slapped his back. “I’m proud of you.”
He snorted. “As your older brother I should be saying that to you. Speaking of, how’s your leave going? Are you getting things sorted?”
I shook my head. “We’re not here to talk about me. And there’s nothing new to report. Now are you going to fill me in why we’re here?” I gestured around us.
“No, I’m going to show you.”
He picked up his pace and I followed along, still mystified, out of the gem exhibit and up a flight of stairs. We wound up at the entrance to the butterfly vivarium.
“She wanted to see this.”
She ?
For the briefest moment I felt hope surge inside of me. Maybe Christopher had reached out to Natalie and arranged a neutral meeting place for us to talk? Anticipation shot through me as I craned my neck to see if I could spot her in the crowd.
“There she is,” he exclaimed.
I looked towards where he was pointing, feeling stupidly nervous, only to spot a pretty petite blonde breaking into a jog towards us.
“ Julia ?”
She bounced to a stop in front of Christopher, and they grinned at each other like teenagers.
“Hi!” she said with a little wave.
“Hey.” Christopher beamed back at her.
I tried not to let on how disappointed I was to see her and not Natalie, or the fact that I was going to be a third wheel for a museum date.
“Julia loves butterflies,” Christopher explained as we headed for the entrance. “I wanted to get out and see them with her, and I figured since you now have all the time in the world, you’d enjoy it too. I don’t want you to wind up like I was, cooped up in my apartment.”
“Ain’t that the truth.” Julia laughed. “I felt like I was delivering stuff to you every other day.”
He bumped against her shoulder. “Did you ever consider that I had ulterior motives for all those orders?”
I hoped they didn’t see me rolling my eyes.
One of the museum staff led us through the double set of entrances they used to make sure none of the butterflies got loose—and then we stepped into the room, full of plants and flowers and about a thousand percent humidity. Julia’s eyes lit up with wonder, and my heart gave a little tug at the look Christopher was giving her, how happy he was just watching her.
“James, how’s Natalie?” Julia asked. “Is she meeting us?”
“Yes, how is Natalie?” Christopher locked onto me with his big brother stare. “It’s got to be a little overwhelming for her lately, since the article came out.”
What is he talking about? “What article?”
Christopher just stared at me for a second. “Are you saying you didn’t see the article in The New York Times ?”
“I…haven’t really been keeping up with the news lately.” Truth was, I’d been on a media blackout since the whole mess went down with Heidi. Whatever people were saying about me or her, I didn’t want to hear it. I told the press team to update me about anything directly connected to the company, but aside from that, I’d been enjoying being out of touch. It really gave me a chance to catch up on my Netflix queue.
“It’s an expose of MG, and all the women he’s sexually harassed,” Julia explained. “Apparently, Natalie and some other women in her design class were the ones who first came forward with their stories, but once the reporter started digging into it, a lot more came out. The #MeToo movement broke some really important stories about models being harassed and assaulted, but no one has really dug into what designers do in other arenas. Students, assistants, interns, up-and-coming designers who he ‘mentored’…he harassed all of them, alternating between promising them big opportunities and threatening them with never working in fashion again if they didn’t give in to him. It’s shining a spotlight on how much abuse takes place in every corner the fashion world. As a result, Marshall’s has already pulled his line, and every organization he’s affiliated with is distancing themselves from him as fast as they can. Only time will tell if he ends up facing criminal charges, but he’s definitely feeling some consequences already. His days of having power and influence—and using them to hurt people—are over.”
“And Natalie’s the one who got this started? That’s amazing,” I said, honestly. She’s amazing.
“The interview with her was a key part of the article,” Christopher replied. “She talked about how she was scared to come forward at first, but the more she talked to her classmates and realized what he’d put everyone through, the more she realized she needed to take a stand. Did you honestly not know anything about this? I know the two of you aren’t together anymore, but do you not even talk at all?”
“Wait, they’re not together anymore?” Julia glanced between us. “Since when?”
“I’m not sure we ever were together in the first place,” I said simply, moving ahead of them to pretend to examine a monarch on a leaf.
“My dumb little brother made some mistakes,” Christopher called out from behind me. “A bunch, actually. And he lost the best thing that ever happened to him.”
Julia held her finger in the air and a white butterfly with long tails landed on it like she was a goddamn Disney princess. “Is it over over, or is there still a chance for you to make things right?” Her eyes flicked between me and the passenger on her finger.
Why was she so sure that I was to blame?
“Natalie wants nothing to do with me, trust me,” I replied, trying not to swat at the butterfly that landed on my forehead.
“And why is that? You both seemed so adorable and flirty at Christopher’s birthday party.”
“I might’ve made some poor choices,” I said through gritted teeth, hating her good-natured candor because deep down I knew that she was right.
Christopher stopped walking and doubled over with laughter. “ Poor choices ? Bro, you shit the bed.”
I kept walking and noticed that they didn’t hurry to catch up with me.
The butterfly room felt like an oasis in the city, and I tried to follow the advice I’d read in my new mindfulness book, which was part of my journey to try to figure out my fucked-up life.
Be here now. Don’t run away from discomfort. Tune into your thoughts.
I chuckled. I lived my entire life so that I could avoid listening to my thoughts. I liked action, not introspection.
And worse, every time I turned inward, all I could find was a Natalie-sized hole.
I could see Christopher and Julia through the foliage. They were giggling and acting stupid, pretending to use the oversized leaves as hats as if there was no one around. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d seen my brother behaving this way, and it struck me that despite everything stacked against him, he’d managed to scale it all and fight his way to happiness.
I started to feel claustrophobic in the overly warm room. I tried to distract myself by reading the placards about the butterflies, but the words swam together.
“Hey,” Christopher said after we’d navigated the entirety of the vivarium. “Let’s grab coffee.”
Instead of ducking out, which was what I wanted to do, I agreed. Maybe the pair’s happy vibe would eventually rub off on me? I realized that I’d made a mistake the moment we sat down at the table in the museum coffee shop with our drinks.
“So, we both decided that you need some advice,” Christopher said, glancing at Julia. She nodded.
“Okay, now just hold on.” I groaned. “I’m not asking for advice. I’m?—"
Christopher held up his hand to stop me. “As your older brother I’m commanding you to listen to me.”
Julia giggled.
“Hear me out, okay?” He cleared his throat. “I just want you to know that I saw a totally different side of you when you and Natalie were hanging out. Yeah, you were still my dorky little brother,” he shot me a grin because we both knew how far that was from the truth, “but you had an…an ease about you that I’d never seen before. You weren’t the usual grumpy, totally anal-retentive James Branson.”
I bristled at his description. “I prefer organized.”
He waved his hand at me. “Whatever. The point I’m trying to make is that Natalie brought out the best in you. I mean, James Branson dancing ? I never thought I’d see the day.”
I sighed. “You can’t base a relationship on that sort of thing. We were just having fun.”
“But there was more to it, and you know it,” he scoffed. “The two of you were kicking ass at work. She told me about how you got to the point where you could almost read each other’s thoughts when you were on a project.”
“We did work well together,” I agreed reluctantly.
“You were happy with Natalie, bro,” Christopher said, giving me a gentle kick to my calf beneath the table. “Admit it.”
I cleared my throat and took a long draw of coffee to buy myself time.
“It’s probably not my place to say anything, but I can’t help it,” Julia’s voice was soft as she leaned forward to put her elbows on the table and stare at me. “I’m an observer. It’s my nature. I like watching people. And James, I saw the way Natalie looked at you on Christopher’s birthday. She sparkled.”
Christopher chuckled. “Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t notice since you barely stopped staring at her the whole night.”
I shifted uncomfortably. I didn’t like thinking about the night, especially what happened in my car afterwards. The intimacy of our conversation, and then the kiss that changed everything.
“Tell us about the Heidi debacle,” Christopher said. “With all of my drama, we haven’t really had a chance to talk about it. Was any of that for real, or was it all just a publicity stunt? Was it even your idea?”
“It wasn’t real at all.” I shook my head, feeling more weary by the minute. “And no, it wasn’t my idea. When she showed up she caught all of us off guard, and pretending it was planned was the only way I could do damage control. If I caused a scene the show would’ve gotten lost in the shuffle of the scandal. So I just…pretended. And when I realized how well it was being received by the press and public, I decided that it was best for the company to keep pretending.”
“And obviously Natalie had a problem with that,” Julia said with a nod. “Oof, not good.”
“Like I said, he shit the bed. Now he needs to figure out a way to fix it.”
It felt like the two of them were doing an intervention for me, and I understood why Christopher had reacted so badly to this three years ago. When someone you love tells you, point blank, that you’re fucking up your life, it’s painful. It forces you to see all of the things you’ve done wrong in the harshest light, and reckon with your shortcomings.
“Honestly, I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”
“And why not?” Christopher asked.
I glanced between my brother and Julia, feeling prickly. I could barely be honest with myself about my feelings, how could I possibly tell them ? But I was trapped. I wasn’t going to just walk away from my brother, no matter how awkward the conversation got.
“Relationships…” I paused. “Someone always winds up hurt. I mean, look what Amanda put you through.”
He nodded. “Yeah, but she wasn’t to blame for everything. I wasn’t a perfect partner. And get this…humans are resilient. Look at me now.” He shot Julia a shy glance and she blushed.
“Yeah, but being with Natalie made me take my eyes off the prize. I lost my focus at work.”
“Did you really ?” Christopher asked pointedly. “Because what I saw happening were the highest sales numbers the company has seen in more than a decade, along with new creative directions.”
I frowned. He was right: Natalie brought out the best of me at work.
“Well, the family stuff. I…I missed important signs…with you .”
“You absolutely did not,” he said quickly. “I will not let you take the blame for something I went through. You’ve always been there for me, so stop saying ridiculous shit like that. And I don’t know what warning signs you think you should have seen. It wasn’t like there was some big buildup. I just heard the news about the baby, and I snapped.” He furrowed at me. “You want to know what I think? I think you’re afraid. Afraid of being vulnerable. Of relinquishing control. I think you’re petrified of love, James.”
Anger coursed through me. How dare he? I wasn’t afraid of a goddamned thing!
“It’s okay to be scared,” Julia said in a quiet voice. “You just can’t let it stop you from finding happiness.”
I gripped my empty mug so tightly I worried it might shatter.
Damn it.
I’d worked hard to bury any lingering feelings for Natalie, but all it took was a brief conversation to dredge them up. But then again, no one knew me like my brother. It wasn’t a surprise that he could find my hidden pressure points.
“I know this feels like an ambush, but I know what’s best for you,” Christopher continued.
It took me a second to catch onto his dumb joke. I gave him a half-smile. “Knock it off.”
“Never.” He leaned over and punched my arm. “Not until you figure out how to win her back.”
I let out a long sigh, staring at the table because I couldn’t bear to meet his eyes. “Even if I wanted to, I don’t think it’s possible. I really hurt her. She wants nothing to do with me.”
“Unsolicited woman’s perspective?” Julia offered cautiously. “You have to at least try. Come up with a heartfelt apology and give it one last shot. I think you owe it to yourself to go for it. You owe it to both of you. Otherwise, you might wake up ten years from now and realize that you gave up on the best thing that ever happened to you.”
Ten years from now? In a flash I saw a different version of my future, one that included waking up next to Natalie every day. Kissing her whenever I wanted to. Loving her, now and always. My heart constricted, and a painful feeling of loss coursed through my veins.
“Dude.” I could feel Christopher staring at me. “You really look like shit. Let’s walk. You could use some vitamin D.”
We headed out onto the sidewalk, squinting in the bright sunshine. Christopher and Julia strolled a few steps ahead of me, giving me time to process my thoughts. I watched the way they settled into step with each other, arms around one another’s waists, their strides perfectly in synch. I felt a knot in my stomach as I watched them.
I needed to stop lying to myself, because I wanted that.
I’d had that.
And I’d fucked it up.
But what if Julia was right? Maybe I could convince Natalie that I was so incredibly sorry for what I’d done to her.
Maybe I could help Natalie see that we belonged together.
The weight on my shoulders seemed to lift a little as I ran through the possible outcomes. I was so deep in my thoughts that I kept almost running into people around me. Every time I glanced at Christopher and Julia, my resolve strengthened. He’d worked through his mistakes and fuck-ups to find happiness.
I could do the same.
“Hey, guys?” I called out to them.
They turned in unison.
“I need to go.”
Christopher studied me for a second. “Oh? Any special reason why?”
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and held it up. “There’s someone very important that I need to talk to.”
A smile split his face, and Julia cheered for me.
“There’s the James I know and love.” Christopher fist pumped at me. “Go get your girl.”