38. Konstantin #2
"Again, does it bother you?" I stop a few feet away, close enough that Rose has to lift her head to maintain eye contact.
"No. It does make everything feel a little like a dream but it's nice. I actually…" Rose puffs out her cheeks and walks away from me, so I sit down on the edge of the bed. When she wanders back, she seems to have worked up the courage to say whatever brought her here in the first place.
"Okay. Listen. When I woke up after being shot, you gave me this amazing speech about how you felt about me and how you trusted me and loved me and all these good things.
And you know, it felt amazing to listen to.
It really did. And you were so considerate.
More than I deserve after I lied my way into your life.
I wanted to tell you I felt the same but I was…
I was scared. Scared that what I felt was fake or wrong, or just a product of this terrible situation we were all forced into. "
She speaks in a rush and her grip on her fingers grows so tight that a couple of them lose their color.
"I was so sure you would kick us out after what Beatie did to Calvin.
I know she's apologized and so have I, and Calvin seems fine with everything, but I still feel really guilty.
My therapist says the guilt is misplaced and that…
actions under duress don't carry the same weight as cruel actions made through free will.
Which is really hard to unpack, because I know I was forced, but I still made those choices. "
Rose begins pacing in front of me, and I bite down on the edge of my tongue, wrestling with the urge to speak.
"She also told me that what I feel for you isn't necessarily false either, because a lot of what we shared was real.
All our time together, the dinners and the swimming and time at the gym and the sex.
Sleeping together. Every time we talked and spent time together.
All of that was still real. I told her that I was scared my feelings were a lie, so she gave me some things to work on.
Little projects to help me unpack what was real about what I felt, and what I'd forced upon myself to make this work for the good of my family. "
My heart begins to race. Whatever decision Rose makes, I will respect. I love her too much to become the next nail in her coffin.
"I only did one project because I was halfway through writing this letter to myself, where I had to forgive myself for all the things I did, and all the things I was forced to do, and I realized that…
" She finally stops pacing and faces me.
"None of the things we did together made it onto the list. Even though I had the goal of becoming pregnant, everything we did was fun.
I enjoyed teasing you in the pool. I enjoyed getting you worked up and sleeping with you.
I enjoyed making you laugh and taking all these risks just to get attention from you because when I had it, nothing else mattered.
So much of what happened between us was perfect, even with the filter of reality laid on top. And…"
Rose's lips purse and she slowly walks toward me.
"I realized that ever since I woke up, ever since you pulled away from me to give me space to breathe and unpack everything, I've missed you.
I've missed holding your hand and waking up next to you.
I've missed taking baths with you. I've missed listening to your work and having input.
I've missed watching you smile, and basking in the way you look at me like it's the first time you've seen me in forever and you're grateful.
" Rose lifts one hand, freeing her fingers from her iron grip, and gently cradles my face. "Like now."
Her touch is soft and warm, sending a thrill of goosebumps down my neck and across my shoulders.
I swallow hard and gaze up at her, unable to speak in case my words ruin whatever Rose still wants to say.
"What I mean is… my love for you is real.
I should have known that the moment I found out I was pregnant and I was terrified of hurting you.
I'm sorry it took me this long to realize that what I feel is real, but it's all so obvious to me now.
I loved our time together. I loved planning the parties and working with you.
I loved the freedom you gave me and the fun we had.
And most of all, I love how you make me want to be the best version of myself.
So if… if you still love me, if you still feel the same, then I want to be with you.
I want us to be a family; you, me, and the little tadpole in here. "
Her free hand shifts over her stomach.
"If you still want m—"
"Shut up." I surge upward, drawing Rose immediately into my arms and embracing her so tightly that her sentence trails off into a surprised squeak.
My mouth covers hers and I kiss her deeply, ending her long speech and melting into the sweet, familiar taste of her lips against mine.
Rose's hand slides from my cheek to my jaw, then it sweeps up into my hair, where she grips tightly and holds on.
Every fiber of my being sings out in utter delight to have her in my arms once again, and I will never, ever let her go.
"I love you," I murmur against her lips. "I love everything you are, everything you've been, and everything you're going to be."
Rose giggles softly and when we part for air, tears cling to her eyelashes. "You're not mad it took me weeks to figure this out?"
"Not at all," I assure her, lightly kissing her nose.
"After everything you have been through, I would have waited months.
" I kiss her. "Years." Another kiss. "Decades.
" Another. "As long as it would take, even if in the end you decided you did not want to be with me.
I would wait and love you as quietly as the moon loves the ocean. "
Rose immediately bursts out laughing and her hand slides down to caress the nape of my neck. "You're so corny sometimes, you know that, right?"
"I do." Another kiss and then I pull back slightly. "Does this… this mean you are keeping the baby?"
Rose's smile turns shy and she lightly bites her lower lip as she nods. "I want to. Yeah. I feel like this little guy was a sign and I don't want to take it for granted. I'm kind of terrified about it but yeah… yeah, I want it."
My arms tighten around Rose as I lift her and spin her around to the sound of her delighted giggles, then my mouth closes over hers in a kiss so deep that my heart pounds up into my throat as if it's trying to give itself over to her.
I will do everything in my power to make sure the rest of our lives are as blissful as Rose deserves.
She will never be sad again.