Chapter 22
I wake and try to stretch, freezing when hot arms tighten around me.
Killian’s smell engulfs me, and I relax, wanting to forget that we’ve fallen out.
I hold on to him for a second while he’s sleeping.
His warm breath skates across my cheek, and I allow myself a moment to think about what-ifs: what if he wanted me, what if we could actually be together?
“Hey.” He pulls me tighter and kisses my shoulder. “Wanna talk?”
I shake my head and try to push away from him, the spell broken and cast aside as the hurt seeps back in.
“No.” I try to move.
“Scott, don’t. Please, let’s talk. We need to talk. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too. I just want to go back. It was a mistake. Can we just be us again?”
“That’s what you want?” He holds me tighter. “We could see where this goes. We could try.”
“It won’t work, Killian. We want different things.”
“How do you know that?” He shakes his head against me. “How do you know what I want?”
I sigh and pull out of his arms. “Please, Killian, I just want to pretend it didn’t happen. Can you do that? Can we just be us again?”
I sit up and face him. The way he looks at me, with a spark of anger that he tries to push down, but I see it even if it’s just for a second. He sits up and reaches out for my face.
“You okay?” His voice cracks as he stares into my face, my half-closed eye bruised and swollen. My lip is tight and split. “I will fucking kill him.” His words, dark and raspy, vibrate through my chest.
“Don’t, Killian. It’s not his fault.”
“Not his fault? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“You don’t know what happened.” I turn to pull away, but his hand wraps around my wrist.
“So, tell me then.”
“Killian, I can’t. It’s too personal.”
“We’ve never had secrets, Scott.” His face softens, and hurt radiates from him, but I don’t know how to feel about that.
“Everything’s changed now, Killian. I can’t talk to you about my relationships after what happened.”
“I’ll always be here for you, Scott. I love you. That won’t ever change.”
Sighing, I close my eyes. “I was a brat. I pushed him too far, and I hurt him.”
“You hurt him?” The look he gives me says he doesn’t believe me, and I wrap my hands together and stare at them. Just wanting to open up to the one I trust most in the world, regardless of everything else; he’s my person.
“We were, ya know… don’t make me say it.
And I was being needy. I wanted… a release, and I wasn’t getting it.
He did. And then it was over. I just snapped.
I blurted out about us. I wanted to hurt him, frustrate him, because I was frustrated, and he hit me.
I deserved it. It was my fault. I owe him an apology. ”
He reaches up and grips my chin. “You owe him nothing. There’s no reason he should ever lay his hands on you. You did nothing wrong.”
“Killian, I cheated on him.” I look away a little. “I crossed the line. I ruined everything with you and him in one stupid, weak moment. I wish I could take it back, Killian, because I like him, and I miss you. And now I don’t have either of you.”
“Hey.” He moves closer and envelops me in his arms. He pulls me onto his lap and rests his chin against my head.
His arms tug me to him, and he holds me.
“I’m sorry.” He snuggles me tighter. “I shouldn’t have let it happen.
I should have seen that you were vulnerable and stopped it.
For that, I am sorry. But I refuse to regret it, Scott.
You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and you deserve the world. ”
I scoff at that. “I deserve the world? I’m a cheater. I deserve nothing.” But I let him hold me anyway because he’s my safe space. He always has been. I let a little crush ruin everything between us and ruin my relationship with Derren.
I need to apologise to him. I take full responsibility for my actions because I threw myself at Killian.
I tuck my arms against my chest and snuggle into his embrace as I’ve always done, allowing him to hold me and make me feel better.
The soothing way he rubs my back. The way the heat from his body encapsulates mine, and the rhythm of his heart. Strong. Steady. Safe.