Chapter 24
I shake my head as he leaves. What the hell am I doing? I can’t be with Killian. I’m reading too much into this. He’s always been affectionate and loving towards me. He’s always looked out for me.
It won’t work; he doesn’t do relationships. I’ve watched him go through numerous people, never returning, but a lot wait around, hoping for another chance. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be a hanger-on, pining for him.
So, I stand and grab some clean clothes because I’ve slept in these, and they smell like Killian. I take a quick shower and dress smart. I stare at myself in the mirror. The bruise is dark purple, yellowing at the edges. The scab on my lip is thick.
I grab my coat and head downstairs. Killian is sitting on the sofa with Steven beside him. The TV is off, which never happens, and I stare at them both.
“You’re really gonna apologise to that cunt?” Steven spits at me. “I had to rip him off you, Scott.” He steps closer. “If I weren’t here. Scott, you know that’s not right. You know you can’t trust him again.”
“Steven, don’t. I need to apologise. I don’t expect him to forgive me. But I need to say sorry. What I did…” My gaze flicks to Killian. He stares me down but doesn’t tell Steven what happened between us. Why Derren lost it. “I just need to apologise.” I move toward the door. “I’ll grab an Uber.”
Killian stands and heads toward me. “I’ll take you.
” I nod and step outside. The two of them start muttering a jumble of words, but I can’t make any of them out.
And then Killian is behind me. He catches me up and places his hand on the small of my back; it torches my skin through my clothes.
I quicken my steps towards the car. Killian opens the door for me, and I climb in before he heads to the driver’s side.
I buckle my seatbelt and stare out of the window.
“Where am I taking you?”
“Sandwich shop,” I say, still gazing out of the car. He drives in silence.
When we pull up outside, he turns the engine off and turns to me.
“I need to say something. I don’t want to fight.
I just need you to listen. I will only say it once.
” He looks at me. But I nod. “Nothing you did deserves being hit.” I turn away from him, but his hand rests on my leg.
“Scott. Don’t settle for someone who treats you less than you’re worth.
He doesn’t get to lay hands on you. If he does again, I will break every finger before shattering his hands so he’s never able to do anything like it again.
I love you. I will always love you. If you need me, I will always be there for you.
I’ll stay here while you go in. Do you understand? ”
I turn to him, the tears in my eyes wanting to fall. Part of me wonders if there will ever be a chance for us, knowing he’ll never be able to give me a proper relationship.
“I understand. But I can’t do this with you here. I need to do this on my own.”
He nods, and I hold the door handle.
“Thank you, Killian.” His glare is passive, but the tightness in his jaw isn’t lost on me as I climb out of the car.
I stare at him for an eternity before he drives away.
The lights disappear, and I take a deep breath, standing on the curb.
The cold nips at my skin. I turn and walk toward the sandwich shop.
When I push the door open, our eyes lock as he’s standing, wiping the counter down. I keep eye contact and walk toward him.
“Can we talk?”
“I’m working,” he snaps.
“I see that. Can we talk, though?”
He glares at me. “My break’s in thirty minutes.”
“I’ll have a coffee then, please.” I offer him a tight smile.
His scowl deepens, and he turns his back while he makes my drink before handing me the card machine.
With his glare burning into me, I try to hold my composure and not let my hand shake.
I pay, scoop up my drink and head to the back of the shop and hunker down in the corner.
While I sit and wait, I watch the world go by and sip at my coffee, trying to keep the nerves at bay.
When he finally comes over to me, the disdain burned into his features fills my vision. It’s all I can see, and I want to fix it. I want to repair us and give this a shot. It’s all just a misunderstanding.
“I don’t have long, so make it fucking quick.”
“Derren, please sit down.”
“Make it quick, Scott.”
I take a deep breath, glancing down. I clasp my hands together and look at his chest, because I can’t face looking into his eyes. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to say how sorry I am.”
“Were you sorry while you were fucking him?” His arms cross over his chest.
“It wasn’t like that, Derren. It didn’t mean anything.” The lie hurts my heart as I say it, but I can’t stop it from falling from my lips. “It was a one-off. A stupid mistake.”
“I’m supposed to believe that?” He tightens his arms and glares at me. “I’m supposed to believe that it won’t happen again.”
“It won’t. I promise. Me and Killian…”
“Don’t, don’t say his fucking name.”
“I’m sorry, Derren.” I stare at my hands again, and he slides into the seat opposite.
“So, what do you want, Scott?” His face twists in disgust.
“I just wanna, I don’t know, start over.”
“Beg.”
“What?”
“Beg, you want me back, beg.” He spits the word beg every time. And it makes me flinch.
“Derren. I, look, I just wanna say I’m sorry.” I stand, give him a sad smile, and step away from the table.
His hand whips out, grabbing my wrist, and he pulls me back. “That’s it? You’re not gonna beg for my forgiveness, get down on your knees and promise it won’t happen again.” His hand grips me tighter, and I wince. “Tell me you’ll never see him again.”
“Derren, you’re hurting me.” I try to pull away, but he stands, his hand grips tighter as he pulls me against him. “I mean it, Scott, tell me you’ll never speak to him again.”
“He’s family, Derren. I can’t not see him.”
“You will, you’ll walk out of a room if he walks in, and you’ll block his number. You will do everything in your power to avoid him. And you will make it up to me.”
He twists his grip, and I wince. His other hand slides up to my face, and he brushes his thumb over my lip, smiling as his thumb presses into the split. I startle, muffling the cry that wants to rip from my mouth. He gives me a smirk.
“I’ll come by yours tonight after work. You can start making it up to me then.” He crashes his lips against mine. My lips sting, and I pull back, pressing my fingertip gently to the split. He reaches up and wipes his mouth. There’s a smear of blood on it where he’s split it open again. “Call him.”
“What?”
“Call him now, put it on speaker. I want to hear you tell him.”
“Derren.”
“Now, Scott.” His grip never loosens, and his glare, the pure hatred on his face. My hand shakes as I pull my phone from my pocket. “Call him.” I pull my hand free and dial Killian.
“Scott, you good?”
“Yeah, Killian, I’m good. I’ve been talking with Derren, and we’re going to make a go of it. So, I need to take a step back from us. I can’t see you anymore.”
“Scott?” His voice cracks, spearing into my chest. My heart breaks, and it’s like watching a car crash. I can’t stop it from happening.
Derren rips the phone from my hand. “Did you fucking hear him? You’re done.
Don’t contact him, don’t go to the house, stay the fuck away,” Derren barks, and I flick my gaze at the people in the sandwich shop.
Everyone is staring at me, and embarrassment crawls inside me. Shame engulfs me. The horror of it all.
“Is that what you want, Scott?” Killian’s voice breaks me. How can I erase him from my life after everything? Derren steps closer. His lip curls.
My voice shakes as I close my eyes and say, “Yes.”
“You sure about this, Scott?” Killian’s voice is deep and sharp. It grips my heart, squeezing, as I cut him out of my life and reply, “Yes, Killian. I’m sure. I’m sorry.” I gasp as Derren hangs up.
“I’ll keep this.” He tucks it into his pocket and turns to walk away.
He glances over his shoulder at me and grins.
It’s not a pleasant grin. Shivering, I know I’ve made a huge mistake, but I pulled the trigger.
I set this ball rolling, and now I’m in freefall.
I feel everything and numb all at the same time. I have to see this through to the end.
When I walk away, I head out into the street, and tears start to roll down my face as I navigate the crowds on their way about their business. Stumbling through the streets until I reach my house, I head straight inside to my room, and I collapse on the bed.
It’s when the smell hits me. Him. The strong, comforting smell, the one that’s wrapped me in it for years, when I skinned my knee when I was a kid, when my parents died, when I was bullied in school. When Derren hit me.
That hits the hardest. The fact that I chose Derren.
Fuck, I chose Derren. I break. I don’t know what else to do.
My whole body sobs until there are no tears left, until my throat is dry and scratchy, my eyes raw, and I know I deserve it.
I deserve it all. I’ve lost the most important person in my life.
And nothing from here on out will fix that. I’m lost and alone.
I wrap myself in the covers that smell of Killian. I pretend it’s him holding me, soothing me and making everything okay. I hope I don’t wake up because I want to stay in the reality where I didn’t just fuck it all up and lose the most important person in my life.