Chapter 44
PSA: SOME CONFESSIONS REQUIRE KISSING TO PROCESS PROPERLY. #EMERGENCYPROTOCOL
DAKOTA
The penthouse looked like a crime scene.
Blood streaked across marble. Shattered glass glittering by the dining table. The ghost of Mathew’s fury still hanging in the air like smoke.
And Axel, standing in the middle of it all, looking like he wanted to tear the place apart with his bare hands.
“You shouldn’t have gone outside.” His voice could’ve frozen hell.
I stopped dead in my tracks. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me.”
“Oh, we’re doing this now?” I kicked off my heels with more force than necessary, ignoring the throb in my freshly stitched head. “After you kissed me senseless in the back of that car? After you told me I’m all that matters? Now you want to scold me like I’m a child?”
“You could have been killed.”
“By a punch? Blake said—”
“I don’t give a damn what Blake said.” He spun toward me, and the raw fury in his eyes made me step back. “Do you have any idea what seeing you covered in blood did to me?”
“Maybe if you’d told me about your secret fiancée, I wouldn’t have needed to storm out for air.”
Something dangerous flashed across his face. “You want to know about her? Fine.”
He started pacing. Not the casual kind. The caged-predator kind that made my skin prickle with awareness.
“Her name was Cassandra. We worked together.” He ran a hand through his already-disheveled hair. “And the only reason I ever touched her was because I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
My heart stuttered. “What?”
“You heard me.” He stopped pacing, pinning me with that steel gaze that always made my knees weak. “Everything I’ve done for years has been about not thinking about you. Not wanting you. Not having feelings for you.”
The words hit harder than that punch to the head. Years?
“That day in the snow,” he continued, voice rougher now, like gravel and whiskey. “Remember?”
How could I forget? The day everything changed between us. Back before Knox got arrested.
His voice dropped to something raw, almost broken. “You stole Knox’s ridiculous parka. The one that was three sizes too big.”
I remembered. The monstrosity that had swallowed me whole.
“You were tipsy on two beers. Declared the snow was …” He stopped, his jaw working like the words physically hurt. “ ‘Too perfect to waste.’ I followed you outside to make sure you didn’t break your neck on the ice.”
His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides, like he was fighting the memory itself.
“But then you started spinning.” The words came out rougher now, his eyes locked on something far away. “Arms wide, catching snowflakes on your tongue like you were five years old. That silver dress under the parka catching the light.”
I watched his throat bob as he swallowed hard.
“There was this one snowflake that landed right on your eyelash. Left one. You blinked it away and laughed at … at nothing. At everything. And that laugh …”
He cut himself off, turning away from me sharply. When he turned back, his eyes were wild, desperate.
“You grabbed my hands. Tried to make me dance with you in the fucking snow. Your fingers were freezing, but your eyes were so …” He dragged a hand down his face. “Christ, Dakota. The way you looked at me.”
The silence stretched taut between us before he continued, voice barely above a whisper.
“That’s when I knew. Right then, with snow falling between us and your cold hands in mine. I was completely gone for you.” A bitter smile escaped him. “Terrified the hell out of me. I dropped your hands like they were on fire. Left you out there, spinning alone.”
He met my eyes then, and the pain there took my breath away.
“I’ve never looked at snow the same way since. Can’t see a single snowflake without seeing you in that silver dress, without remembering how I knew I had to stay away or I’d destroy us both.”
My stomach clenched. I never knew why he’d suddenly turned cold after that weekend. Started treating me like I was invisible, like I was something contaminated.
“I was falling in love with you.” The confession ripped out of him, raw and bleeding.
“And I couldn’t have you, Dakota. Not just because Knox would’ve pummeled me into next week.
But because I never wanted anyone in my life.
Not after what I experienced, growing up.
Relationships were doomed; love was fake.
I refused to fall into the trap of thinking it could be real, just to end up like my parents. ”
He stopped in front of the window, his reflection a tortured shadow against the city lights.
“I certainly wasn’t going to drag a child into that hell.
By the time I met you, I was already broken.
” He turned back to me, and the vulnerability in his eyes stole my breath.
“And you challenged everything I believed in. It terrified me, but even if I could’ve gotten past that fear, I wasn’t going to infect you with my darkness. ”
“So, you pushed me away.”
“I tried.” His smile could’ve cut glass. “God, I tried. Figured if I was cold enough, cruel enough, you’d hate me. Problem solved.”
“Clearly, that worked out brilliantly for you.”
“It was torture.” He moved closer, and I had to tilt my head back to maintain eye contact. “The longer it went on, the worse it got. Like I was starving and you were the only thing that could save me.”
My breathing had gone shallow.
“It pissed me off actually.” His muscle tightened the way it did when he was fighting for control. “I chose everything else in my life. My career, my friends, my women. But you?” He shook his head slowly. “You invaded every thought, every dream, every goddamn moment without my permission.”
Every molecule between us felt magnetized, humming with years of suppressed want.
“So, when dating a different woman every week didn’t work, I tried something more drastic.
” His voice dropped. “Cassandra pursued me. Hard and persistently. Eventually, I caved and dated her. Four weeks in, she started talking marriage. One night, after enough whiskey to drown my conscience, I was desperate enough to think maybe if I committed to someone else, I’d finally stop wanting you.
” He let out a deep breath. “Which was the most screwed-up logic, in hindsight. You were too precious to taint with me, but I was willing to do that to her.” He shook his head.
“But you didn’t go through with it.”
“How could I?” He reached up slowly, as if fighting against himself, and when his thumb finally grazed my jawline, my breath caught.
The pad of his thumb was achingly gentle, tracing the curve of bone beneath my skin with a tenderness that made my chest tighten.
“Every time I looked at her, I saw your face. Every time she laughed, I heard your voice.”
His eyes followed the path of his thumb as it mapped the line of my jaw like he was memorizing it.
Heat spread down my neck, raising goose bumps along my arms.
“I was planning a future with one woman while being completely consumed by another.”
I … didn’t know what to say.
“Do you want to know how much you consumed me?” His voice dropped, raw with vulnerability. “I went to your college graduation.”
My breath caught. “What?”
“I told myself I just wanted to be there because Knox couldn’t be.
But the minute I saw you in that orange dress, I knew it was a lie.
” His thumb traced along my cheek. “I wanted the excuse to see you. I wanted to be there for your big moments, even if you didn’t know I was celebrating them with you, Sunshine. ”
The confession hit me like a warm sun on a winter day.
My heart cracked wide open, spilling years of unspoken longing.
Axel had been there. He’d traveled all those miles just to watch me walk across that stage, to silently celebrate what should have been one of the happiest days of my life.
The weight of it stole my breath, knowing he’d wanted to be there for my big moments, that he’d cared enough to show up, even when I couldn’t see him.
“You were there?”
“Back row, baseball cap pulled low. When you walked across that stage …” He swallowed hard. “You looked so proud, so radiant. But then I saw you scan the crowd, and I watched your face change when you remembered Knox was missing it.”
My throat tightened. I remembered that moment.
The sharp pang of loss when the reality hit that my brother wasn’t there to see me graduate.
But now, knowing Axel had been there, loving me through it, even from the shadows …
it rewrote everything. Every lonely moment from that day suddenly felt less empty.
“I wanted to cross that entire auditorium and hold you,” he continued, voice breaking. “Tell you that someone who loved you was there, cheering you on.”
“Axel …” I whispered, my vision starting to blur with tears.
“And those parking tickets you kept getting when you visited Knox? The ones that mysteriously got dismissed?” His eyes never left mine. “That was me. Ryker had connections at the courthouse, and I asked him to help. I couldn’t stand the thought of you getting punished for being a good sister.”
The puzzle pieces were clicking into place, stealing my breath. “The tow truck …”
“Your car broke down after visiting Knox. I was …” He ran a hand through his hair, looking almost embarrassed. “I may have been keeping tabs on your visits. Making sure you were safe. When I saw you stranded there, I called the tow truck and paid for it.”
“And the gardenias,” I breathed, understanding flooding through me. “Every birthday.”
He nodded, that vulnerability in his eyes deepening. “Your favorite flowers. I remembered from that conversation we had years ago when you visited Knox. I just … I needed you to know someone remembered. Someone cared about celebrating you, even if I couldn’t be the one to do it openly.”
Years of secret care. Years of him watching over me from the shadows while I thought he barely tolerated my existence.