Cherry
The next week goes by the same way, and I find myself plagued with thoughts of them all the time, in the way they hand-feed me, run their fingers through my fur while we sit around the fire, curl up in wolf form to sleep beside me.
I even think about them in lighter moments, like when they beg me to join their daily soccer game or when I listen to the stories they tell about their lives around the campfire at night.
The more I think about them, the more I worry.
I’m not sure we can maintain this lifestyle much longer.
They must have lives to get home to. I’m still not convinced that none of them have mates, although none of them have said anything either way.
But I know they are all alphas. So, isn’t their pack wondering where they are or needing them?
Do they not want to take me back there? What are they waiting for?
They’re waiting for me to shift.
I sigh as I consider my predicament. If I could shift, I would have done it by now. I’m not in a high-stress situation anymore, but every time I try, and I try daily unbeknownst to the others, nothing happens. I’m worried it means I’m trapped as a wolf forever.
I might be stuck, but they aren’t.
They need to go back and leave me here. The forest seems like a pretty safe area to live in. I’ll be fine. Between the pond, the cave, and this forest, I have all I need as a wolf. I can hunt on my own… Well… I could learn to… Probably. Maybe.
How can I tell them to go, though? I can’t write anything in the dirt. I actually tried once with a stick in my mouth two days ago, but I have no dexterity there. I could try to push them out of the camp, like I’m herding them away. But I don’t think they’d understand.
They’re staying because of me. As I see it, that leaves me two options: I can start completely ignoring them and hope they go away, or I can leave myself.
That would mean finding a new place to live.
But I’m pretty sure if I try option one, they’ll only worry more.
If I try to leave, they won’t understand that either.
They might even think someone has taken me.
A combination of the two plans is what I need.
First, I’ll separate myself from them for a few days, then I’ll take off when the coast is clear. I close my eyes where I lie by the fire beside Gage, determined to take in this last feeling of him before I begin my plan.
I’m doing this for them.
I’m never going to shift, and they can’t stay here waiting for me. I’m broken; they don’t deserve someone like me in their lives. They’re too good for that. I would tarnish their souls with my broken one. I’d hold them back. Look how much they have sacrificed for me already.
As the night grows dark, they all switch to wolf forms and lie around me, near the fire, which is where we’ve started sleeping the past few nights.
Almost all of them touch me, except Hunter, who’s on first watch tonight.
I take a few deep breaths as I prepare to start separating from them.
It’s so hard when their bodies are warm and comforting, and their scents so magnetic, I find myself wanting to bathe in them for a few more minutes.
Or for the rest of my life.
Internally, I growl at myself, not liking the idea of being taken away from my pack.
They’re not our pack.
I don’t know if I’m trying to convince myself or my wolf.
I push through the confusing feelings, get up, and pad across to the other side of the fire. I can feel Hunter’s eyes on me, but I don’t meet his gaze.
I find a spot directly across from where I was and lie down, curling up and tucking my nose beneath my tail.
Not one minute later, I feel a wolf lie down against my back.
I lift my head and see Bain’s giant blonde wolf pressed against me.
I get up and move a few feet away, trying to make what I’m doing obvious.
But sure enough, a few seconds later, I feel him back in the same spot.
Before I can move, a second wolf, Chase, lies down at my other side.
I jump up and trot into the cave, hoping that away from the fire’s heat, they’re less likely to follow.
I place my back against the wall, the spot I use to sleep in, and keep my eyes on the entrance.
I think I’ve finally won my battle when no one appears for at least ten minutes and I close my eyes.
A hand on my head startles me, and I lift my gaze to meet Gage’s.
He’s sitting cross-legged in front of me in human form with sweatpants on, gently petting my head.
His straight black hair looks messier than usual, like he’s been running his hands through it a lot, and his blue eyes study me with confusion.
“Did you have a bad dream?” he asks. I’m not sure whether to respond, but I decide to stick to the truth as much as I can without words. I shake my head once.
“Hmm. Too hot out there?” he asks again. I shake my head. “You just wanted to be alone.” I nod. He doesn’t look happy with that answer, but I can’t explain that I’m doing this for them. He glances over his shoulder at the three wolves and a human Hunter standing there.
Gage looks at me again, his hands now resting on his knees. I wish he would pet me again. One last time.
“Did we do something wrong?” I shake my head vehemently. I don’t want them to think this is their fault. He continues to look deep into my eyes, his eyebrows pinching tighter. I can see he’s trying to think of the right questions to ask.
“But something is bothering you.” I nod even though it isn’t a question.
“Do you feel ill?” I hear Bain growl at that question, and I shake my head.
“Good, good. Are you… upset at yourself?” It was my turn to frown. Am I mad at myself?
Heck yes.
I’m mad I have to pull away from them because I’m a broken shifter. I slowly nod as the others move closer.
Gage takes my face in his hands, and I feel his thumbs wipe under my eyes.
“You're crying, Red. Don’t cry. Please? Whatever it is, we'll figure it out.” I want to believe him so badly.
I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. I take a moment to pull myself together and remember what I need to do because they’re never going to guess what I want or what’s bothering me.
When I open my eyes, Gage looks deep into mine and says, “You’re upset you can’t shift.” If I could look shocked in my wolf form, he would see that expression on my face right about now. I give one swift nod without breaking eye contact.
“Red, you don’t need to worry about that so much.
It’ll happen when your body is ready.” I shake my head and break eye contact as I close my eyes.
He doesn’t understand. He can’t stay here forever while I figure that out.
I feel so guilty about it already. What if it takes weeks, or months, or even years? They can’t wait for me forever.
“Little wolf.” I look up at the sound of Maddox’s human voice. They’re all sitting around me in their human forms now, sweatpants hanging from their hips. When did that happen?
“How long have you been stuck as a wolf?” I swallow nervously. Do I want to tell him? It would help them understand the helplessness of the situation. I stare down at my paws as I think of a way to tell him, and I get an idea.
I lift my paw and drop it to the floor, then repeat the action four times. They exchange quick glances, then Hunter asks, “Five weeks?” I shake my head and hear the twins gasp in unison. Bain looks… angry, and Maddox looks like he’s in pain.
I look at Gage, he’s the only one who doesn’t look upset because he’s still trying to get to the real answer before he reacts. Carefully, he asks, “Five months?” Slowly, I shake my head once.
Bain curses as Gage asks, “Five years?” his voice catching on the last word. I nod once, then Bain jumps up with anger on his face and storms out of the cave, Chase hot on his heels.
I’ve upset them.
“They’re upset,” Gage says, confirming my fear. “Not with you, with whatever you’ve been through that’s caused you to stay as a wolf for so long.”
How can they be upset at something that happened to me before they even met me?
They barely know me. They don’t know my human form at all.
My eyes dart to Hunter, who looks devastated.
I squeeze my eyes shut. I can’t see that pained look on his face.
He’s too pretty, no, too good, to ever have to look that sad.
I want to comfort him, but I’m still convinced I need to leave them, for their own good. I avoid Maddox’s gaze. I don’t want to see the pain that’s likely there too. I tuck my head back under my tail and take deep breaths. There’s some rustling as they all leave, then the cave is quiet.
Eventually, I drift off into a fitful sleep. Alone.