13. Dagon
Chapter thirteen
Dagon
I’d always known I had a messed-up mind. It was my reality when I was a kid, and it was the same reality now. Sometimes, the twisted parts of me served me well – if I let them. Other times, they were my greatest nightmare. Right now, it felt like a curse.
I prided myself on my self-control and stony composure, yet they were nowhere to be found now.
My head was pulsing with that familiar pressure. Darkness swirled inside my mind, and I fought to hold onto the fragile thread of control. I was tangled in the need to unleash the darkness, to destroy everything I could touch.
I yearned to obliterate everything. Including myself.
At the same time, I was stuck in the torture of my memories. I choked on the ashes of all that I lost. Ashes… that was all I had. And even those were scattered, leaving me with nothing but ghosts.
I was alone.
It was what I deserved.
The darkness felt more and more like a comfort. I was slipping through the cracks of my insanity, and I knew I needed to regain control before it was too late.
I needed to break free of these memories. Erase them. Eradicate them from my mind. Build an impenetrable wall. But the truth was no matter what I tried, it was never enough.
As I struggled, too wrapped up in my emotions, arms wrapped around me tightly from behind. One of Di's hands crossed my chest, the other rested lightly at my stomach. The touch was gentle but also grounding. He pulled me back from the edge just by holding me as I was falling apart.
I didn’t deserve it, but I didn’t push him away.
My body relaxed into his. Our cheeks brushed, and the contact sent shockwaves through me. His body tensed for a second before relaxing against mine. I turned slightly, burying my face in the crook of his neck, and breathed in deeply.
He smelled like the woods and the sea – a mixture of the two most beautiful places in this world.
The memories of the two worst days of my life washed away as the scent of Diablos became all that I knew. The fog in my mind lifted slowly. Eventually, the weight on my chest lessened, and I could breathe.
Still, the lingering horrors lurked at the back of my mind, waiting for the perfect moment to resurface. Maybe that's why I turned in Di's arms and hugged him. I didn't expect him to return the hug. I knew very well what kind of person I'd been to him all these years.
Yet he held me. Tightly.
He held me up when I didn’t have the strength to stand.
This time, it was him who buried his face in my neck. I wanted to thread my fingers through his hair, to feel the soft brown strands. But part of me was terrified to move and shatter the moment.
To have him in my arms like this... how many times had I imagined it?
A hug.
That’s all I sometimes wanted.
Diablos in my arms, just like this.
Our breathing was harsh, and I didn’t know whose frantic heartbeat I felt. His or mine?
I knew what I had to do, yet I was scared. I swear, on all that I love and cherish, I wanted to end this. All this fucking torture. How much longer could I pretend? How much longer did I have to push him away? How much longer did I need to burn in this personal hell with no way out?
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. The words came from deep within every part of me.
Di’s body tensed, and he pulled back. I felt the loss of his warmth almost like a blow.
“What?”
“I’m sorry I acted like an asshole to you for years.”
I’m sorry I pushed you away when all I wanted was to pull you in. I’m sorry for all the pain I inflicted by turning away, making fun of your books, and lingering in the shadows but never being there next to you. I’m sorry for everything, but mostly, I’m sorry I let you go.
I wanted to say all this out loud, but the words were physically stuck in my throat.
He stared at me like I was someone he didn’t know. The saddest part was that was the fucking truth. The truth I created. I could only imagine what was going through his head.
His following words took me by surprise.
“I’m sorry, too.”
“What?”
I didn’t think it was possible, but my heart started pounding faster than before.
“I’m sorry, too, because you weren’t the only one who acted like an asshole. We both did.”
He shrugged like it was no big deal, but it was.
I had acted cold toward all of my brothers, but not the way I did to him.
I often made fun of him for reading, but never because they were MM books.
It wasn't because he read, either. I just wanted to bother him – to have his attention.
Sick, I know. It was my only way of getting a reaction out of him, of making him notice me.
Fuck, why didn't I realize he would take it the wrong way?
I often didn’t acknowledge him, and now here he was apologizing to me. Not to mention, it didn’t used to be like this between us. Not in the beginning, at least.
Like a fool, I grasped at the first thing I could think of. “Yeah, but I’m older. I should have done better.”
"For fuck's sake, cut the crap with older, younger." I was stunned. After an extremely awkward silence, he said, "We should go back to the car and get on the road."
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
I expected him to say something more, but he didn’t. Both of us were trying to navigate through the awkwardness of the moment. Once in the car, he pulled out granola bars from his backpack.
“You want one?”
“No, thanks.”
"Yeah, you so want one." A granola bar with coconut and chocolate chips ended up on my thigh. "It's amazing. Almost like an orgasm. You don't want to miss that."
His eyes widened. He turned quickly to the window, trying to hide from me. I didn’t miss the blush on his face, and I couldn’t believe a guy could look cute and hot as sin while blushing. Since he wasn’t watching me, luckily, he couldn’t see the smile that formed on my lips.
We ate in silence and then set off again. We'd stop in the next city tonight and then keep traveling to the village King mentioned. This trip might be a search for some celestial object, but I'd take advantage of our time to show Di that I meant my apology.
I had kept my promise.
I had stayed away from Diablos.
Now, I was done keeping it. The promise ended here.
Nothing and no one would stand in my way. I would never again make a promise like this – one that resulted in hurting the most important person in my life.