33. Dagon
Chapter thirty-three
Dagon
In what universe did I imagine Diablos would take the news that he was my mate with excitement, as if I'd stolen the Moon and gifted it to him with a bow?
In a non-existent – that’s what.
And yet, here we were. I couldn’t be happier.
I was humming as I got out of the shower. When was the last time I smiled so much? When had I last been this happy? More importantly, when had I last lived without the constant ache of being apart from my mate?
It had been years.
But after everything, we were finally together.
Heart full, I padded downstairs, drawn by the smell of pancakes and coffee. I settled on the stool, watching Di move around the kitchen. Just being near him made everything feel… right. Like I'd stepped into the life I was always meant to have.
Di lifted the pan, set it down. Did it again. Four times. Then gave me a sheepish smile and turned away, busying himself with wiping the counter.
Was I making him uncomfortable?
I got up, wrapped my arms around him from behind, and rested my head on his shoulder.
“Talk to me, sweetheart." I murmured near his ear. "Am I making you uncomfortable?”
“What? No. I just, it’s just-” He sighed, tossing the towel, then snatched it back up and did it again. Again. And again. Groaning, he walked away.
“Sweetheart…”
“When I’m nervous, the compulsions get worse. I do some things, okay, a lot of things four, six, times. Other times, I repeat them until it just… feels right.” He motioned to the towel. “Like that.”
"It's not about logic. My brain just screams that I have to until it feels safe, or right. Even when I struggle to stop, sometimes I just can't."
I nodded, stepping closer. “I get it. I mean, no, I don't get it the way you do. But I’m grateful you shared this with me. And I’m sorry if my staring made you feel on edge. I wasn't watching you because of that. I was watching because I love looking at you.”
I tried to smile, but it wobbled. The ache in my chest wasn't about the compulsions, it was for the frustration, the anxiousness in his voice, and the way he looked at me like he was afraid I'd pull away or make fun of him.
“Be free around me, Di." I whispered. "And if there are days you'd rather not be free, if you'd rather do them alone, or hide them, that's okay too. They're yours. You get to choose what part of them I see."
"I never want to be another cage trapping you into uncertainty, fear, or pretending.
I don't want my love to feel like chains.
Your OCD is part of how your brain works, and I love your brain.
All of it. The part that worries. The part that counts.
The part that needs the towel folded just right.
There's no part of you I'm asking to leave at the door.
I want you to feel safe with me. Safe to feel what you feel.
Safe to not hide. Safe to let me stand beside you, no matter what. "
A ghost of a smile touched his lips. He stepped in and hugged me, tucking his head against my neck.
“I’ll try," he whispered. "I'm just used to hiding it. But with you… I don't feel like I have to. I just get scared. What will you think when you see all of it?"
I cupped his cheek, thumb brushing softly across his skin.
"Love," I said gently. "We're all different.
No two people are the same. So what if you do things others don't? So what if you repeat steps, or need things to feel right?
I'm not downplaying how hard it is. I'm not underestimating how much OCD impacts your life, how heavy and painful it is.
I want to learn how heavy it is. I want to know what it costs you to function on the hard days.
Not so I can fix it. I can't fix it. So that I know what you're carrying, and I can be useful when you let me be. "
I made sure he's listening to me because I prayed he would believe my next words.
"I will never judge you. I might not understand what it's like, but not knowing doesn't mean I won't show up for you.
I'll support you. Respect you. I'll be here whether you're strong, or whether you can't be strong today.
You don't have to perform anything for me to love you.
Tired counts. Falling apart counts. Hiding under the blanket counts.
All of it counts as you, and I love you for all of it. I'll be here for you. Always."
His lower lip trembled. “Always?”
“Always,” I promised. “I love you.”
“I know, my sweet demon. I love you, too.”
“Me? Sweet?” I gasped, going for mock outrage.
He laughed and so did I. Then I tangled my fingers in his hair as he asked quietly, "Will you hold me now?"
“Now and forever.”
I held him close, molding our bodies together. Whatever he needed, I'd give it. A few minutes later, he leaned in and kissed me.
I would never get tired of kissing him.
“You know we've got the whole day ahead. What do you want to do?”
He contemplated for a long time, but I knew he had an idea. The mischievous look in his eyes couldn’t be concealed.
“Let’s just chill here and read.”
“Read?” I raised a brow. Then came the innocent smile and puppy eyes. Shit, I was a goner.
“Please.”
“What do you want to read?”
“Let’s read my favorite MM book. I’m sure you’ll like it.”
Laughing, I remembered when he said he’d convince me to read one of his books one day.
“Fine. Let’s do that.”
“Yay!” The way he lit up was worth it. “I’m gonna grab my Kindle and charge my phone. I’ll be right back.”
He was halfway up the stairs when he turned suddenly. “Oh! The pancakes!”
“I've got them.”
“You sure?”
“Yes. Go.”
“Also, what do you think about a walk in the woods later?”
“Sounds like a perfect date.”
He grinned. “Nah. A perfect date is you taking me to a bookstore and buying me books. Lots of books.”
Bookworm through and through. I hid a chuckle. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
He disappeared upstairs. I took over the pancakes, finishing what he started. I made chocolate drizzle, poured coffee, and when I was done, Di finally came back down.
"You okay?"
He nodded. "Yeah, just texting with Thaddeus. I've been very distant since we left. I just don't want to get him involved in this world."
Something in his voice didn't sit quite right.
"You can still have your friend. Even if he doesn't know about demons."
"Yeah, maybe."
I decided to let it go for now.
We ate and then sprawled out on the couch. Di shoved me playfully, but I pulled him down with me. We wrestled, well, play-wrestled, because I didn't dare use full strength.
He ended up on top of me, pinning my hands. His eyes sparkled.
“I’ve got you,” he declared proudly.
“You know I could throw you off in two seconds, right?”
“I know. I also know you won’t do it.”
He was right.
Diablos could chain me to a sinking ship, and I'd let it drag me down if he asked me to.
“You’ve got all the power over me, Di.”
His face softened. “And you’ve got all the power over me. You have my heart, my soul, and every part of me. Without you, there's no me.”
I broke free, pulled him into a deep, desperate kiss, full of that intimate tenderness and intensity that always existed between us.
When he pulled away he was breathless.
"Nope. We're not doing this. We have a book to read."
Groaning dramatically, I flopped back as he laughed at my misery.
Who would have guessed being with a bookworm meant getting cockblocked by a freaking book?
“Come on. Stop sulking. We've got a book to read.”
The blissed, dreamy look and his excitement were enough to tell me we would spend a lot of time reading books in the future. Somehow, I didn’t mind it.
I got comfortable on the couch, and Di laid with his back to my chest. The position made it hard to concentrate, but I tried. I liked the beginning, got a little bored halfway, but I was invested enough to want to know how it ended.
“So, what do you think?”
“I like it,” I said, maybe too quickly. He gave me a look. “It’s good, okay?”
He giggled and kissed me.
“We're going to have so much fun reading together!” he squeaked, and I shook my head.
My sweetheart already had plans for us, and I couldn’t wait.
Oh, and this demon? This demon would make damn sure nothing stood in the way of him getting everything he wanted.