Chapter 26
Decisions Made
The drawing room in her father’s house felt even smaller than she remembered. Perhaps it was always this small, but now she had grown up. Then again, she got used to the big drawing room in the Duke’s estate.
“I had the cook prepare your favorite biscuits,” her father said.
She smiled at the familiarity of this statement. Every time she was not feeling well, her father would comfort her with the same line. Unfortunately for Arabella, it didn’t have the same effect anymore. All she could do was smile back.
It’s been days since the wedding breakfast, and Arabella fought the urge to cry every time she was alone. And here she was not alone in her house. Her father was here, and her sister was always by her side. It was an excuse not to think or feel.
“I can’t believe one season more is over,” your father commented, looking outside the window. “The weather is getting nicer, and everybody’s getting ready to leave for the countryside. Are you going away with Gerald as well?”
When she heard his name, her heart constricted as it did each time she thought of him.
“His Grace has to stay for business deals.”
She didn’t convey that she had to make plans of her own. It was the perfect opportunity to keep their distance without raising too much suspicion. After all, the gentry will be in their summer houses, and no one would question why the newlywed Duke and Duchess of Albury are.
Not that she knew where she would be, or how to spend her time away from him. Where could she run and hide from her feelings?
“OK, girls, I have to go. Will you stay for lunch, Arabella? I will make sure to come back.”
Her father left the house after a peck on the cheek.
Arabella felt that she belonged nowhere right at that moment.
She was no longer his little girl, under his care.
And she was neither Gerald’s, not really, not anymore.
This house, that was once a sanctuary, felt alien to her.
But the older estate that she had grown so accustomed to was also not hers.
Gerald had mentioned that he had more houses in Mayfair that she could use. But right now, she was not ready to make any decision or any move; she just wanted to get away.
“I should like to take a walk,” Bridget suddenly said. “It would be refreshing to go out without the escort of a chaperone. The perks of having a married sister.”
Arabella realized that she must have been in a very bad mood if Bridget was the one trying to cheer her up. But she could not comment on that.
“I think it would come as a release, Mrs. Evans,” Arabella tried to say lightly.
* * *
Not long after, Arabella and Bridget, arms linked, were strolling by the Serpentine. The weather was indeed splendid, the first hint of spring wafting in the air. Roses blossomed slowly, and the grass was peppered with wildflowers. Even the air smelled different. More fragrant, more alive.
Arabella pretended as best as she could that she enjoyed the beautiful scenery with her beloved sister by her side. They chatted as cheerfully as they could, stopping whenever someone approached, receiving invitation after invitation to summer estates.
And yet, for the first time in her life, she found everything irritating. The sun was too hot, the pollen in the air made her nose twitch, the grass was overgrown, and why did everyone have to stop and talk to her?
“You can go home if you don’t want to walk,” Bridget said softly.
“Why would you say that?” Arabella protested.
She looked at her sister and realized that she was not doing exceptionally well at hiding her feelings, especially not from her.
“Arabella,” Bridget said, “it has been just you and me for many years. I know what you feel, just like you know about me. Is this about the wedding incident?”
Of course, her behavior at the wedding had been leaked into the gossip of the ton. It never made it to the sheets, of course, because they all feared the Duke of Albury, but there were some whispers.
Nothing too damaging, since Arabella always had a happy reputation and was much beloved in the town even before she became a powerful Duchess. On the contrary, Joseph was known for dubious behavior and some gambling bets.
“It is never enjoyable when you are in the center of such rumors,” Arabella thought. It was a good excuse for her mood, as any.
And everyone else could have bought it, that she was taking her distance to let the rumors die down. But not Bridget. As she said, they had grown up together, basically depending only on each other.
“I am sure,” Bridget said, “that whatever it is, it will pass.”
Arabella wished she had her confidence.
* * *
That night, she decided to sleep in her house, claiming nostalgia. It was not entirely false. She remembered how sleeping in her sister’s bed made her feel ever since she was a kid. And she very much needed that comfort in her life.
That very night, she slipped into Bridget’s bedroom, like she did every night she was distressed, anxious, or just sad. Here she was, all grown up, and yet she still felt like a little girl.
“You couldn’t sleep?” Bridget asked.
“It’s strange how the bed you have been sleeping on for so many years so quickly feels strange,” Arabella answered truthfully.
“You have moved on to the next phase of your life, that is all.”
Arabella felt a pang in her heart. Was this the next phase of her life, pining for a man who didn’t even consider her feelings? Didn’t sound much like life.
“This is what we are going to do,” Bridget said decisively. “You are going to rekindle the fire, and I will bring hot chocolate.”
“Hot chocolate!” Arabella smiled after so many days.
It was their ritual for the difficult days, for those nights when the pain was too great. Arabella always believed there was nothing a little bit of hot chocolate couldn’t heal.
Not long after, they were sitting on comfy cushions on the floor before the fireplace, with cups of hot chocolate warming their fingers. Arabella let the sweet, hot liquid warm her soul.
For a while, all they did was sit there in silence, in the soothing cocoon of their shared moment. But Arabella could feel Bridget watching her, waiting patiently.
“You know, Arabella, that you can tell me anything,” Bridget finally said.
“I…” Arabella decided it was best to lie and spare her sister from hearing her heartache. “Everything is fine. Just wanted to get away for a little while.”
“And that is just the thing, Arabella,” Bridget said, seeming a little bit annoyed. “You never give up.”
Arabella could feel the tension in the air. She was a fool if she thought that she could hide from her own sister. And frankly, she didn’t like that she was lying to her. Deep down, she needed someone to hold her feelings and make a little room for them.
“You do know, Bridget, that my marriage to Gerald was just a convenience. You were present when he came into our house to claim us as if we were a debt he was collecting.”
“That is true. I also saw how you were after your marriage. It didn’t look much like a marriage of convenience from where I was watching.”
“That is why… because you were watching only me,” Arabella hinted.
There was a heavier silence in the room, but Bridget was nothing but patient.
“I did a very senseless thing, Bridget.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
“And yet I did,” Arabella smiled and took a sip from her hot chocolate for some liquid courage.
“So,” Bridget said solemnly, “you fell in love with your husband.”
Hearing someone say it out loud made it real. And that meant that the pain she felt was also real. Her fingers around the cup tightened, and her jaw locked.
“I see,” Bridget commented. “But I still don’t understand. Where is the problem?”
“The problem,” Arabella chuckled cruelly, “is simply that Gerald doesn’t feel the same.”
Bridget looked at her with a soft, sad look. She put down her cup and cradled Arabella’s hands to look deeply into her eyes.
“That must have been so painful,” Bridget said with that sweet voice of hers.
Arabella nodded. It hurt just a little bit less that she had shared this and had someone understand.
“What did he say when you confessed your feelings?”
Arabella frowned. Bridget was looking at her with an expectant look.
“I didn’t confess.”
Bridget’s face changed into pure confusion.
“So, you mean to tell me that you haven’t shared with Gerald how your feelings have developed, and yet you are here pining for a love that you lost?”
“You don’t understand,” Arabella dismissed.
“Obviously, I don’t,” Bridget scoffed. “Would you care to explain?”
“It is not that simple, and it is not that easy. We had an agreement and understanding, but I was to be his wife so he could deal with some things in his life, and after that, he had no use for me.”
“Cruel and cold, but that was just the beginning, right?” Bridget said. “Did he remain cold and distant throughout?”
Arabella’s cheeks flushed the moment she remembered everything they had shared, from meals to conversations, from banter to jokes, some small gestures to intimacy.
“I see. Still, I must repeat myself. Where is the problem?”
“The problem is that he thinks I am pretending, and he doesn’t even consider that my feelings are true,” Arabella snapped. “The problem is that he very graciously gave me a hefty allowance and told me to choose from any house that he owns so we can go on our merry way.”
Bridget stood motionless, seeing Arabella break this way. Once Arabella had said what she had to, she felt all that pain she harbored inside claim her once more.
“The problem is,” Arabella said with her voice trembling, “I cannot live my life without him anymore. The problem is that I simply miss him.”
For a while, they stayed in silence, just the fire crackling and the soft rustling of their clothes.
“I am sorry this happened,” Bridget said.
That night, they fell asleep in their bed together.
* * *