Chapter 29
Sunny Confessions
Gerald didn’t know what he was expecting when he asked Arabella to join him in Brighton, but he knew that he was not expecting this blank stare. He was really doing everything wrong, and the only thing that he was supposed to do right in his life.
Why is it so difficult to explain exactly how he feels? Why is he torn between the desire to speak and the fear of rejection, the guilt that he has treated her coldly before? But here he was, and he was ready to risk everything.
He looks at her again. He was painfully aware she had always been beautiful, but seeing her away from society, under this spring sun, a little bit tired, a lot more confused, Gerald had never seen a more beautiful woman in his whole life.
And if he didn’t do something about it, she was going to ride off to Wales, not knowing exactly how he felt about her.
“So what do you say, Arabella?” he presses for an answer. “Do you want to go to Brighton with me?”
Arabella gaped a few times, as if she was trying some answers in her head, but none of them were right. So saying ‘yes’ was not an easy option for her.
“Pardon me, Your Grace, but-” Arabella started.
“I think it’s perfectly suitable to call me Gerald,” he said, hating the distance that she put between them.
“On the contrary, Your Grace,” she insisted, “I believe now it’s the least suitable for me to call you that.”
Gerald could accuse himself of being a complete imbecile when it came to reading the feelings of others, but even he could be quite certain that Arabella was angry at him.
“I don’t want you to go to Wales,” he said.
The moment these words left his lips, he realized he had again approached this wrong. He sounded as if he was forbidding it or something, that he didn’t want her to go because he wouldn’t miss her terribly.
“Is there a particular reason why you want me to cancel this trip to see my grandmother? It is a very proper reason to do so. My grandmother is very old, and I am visiting her before-”
“It is not a matter of propriety.”
Arabella took a deep breath. She seemed exhausted. He was exhausting her mentally, all because he was a coward, because he didn’t know how to express true feelings, because when others called him the Cruel Duke, he took those words to heart.
“I bought that place,” he tried, “because I wanted to have a place. A new place.”
“That is usually how new property works.”
“I wanted to have a new place for us.”
Arabella straightened her back, and her face melted into a neutral expression.
And yet she was still reserved, still reluctant to drop her cold act towards him.
Only now did he realize that he missed Arabella a lot.
Not this Arabella, but the one that teased and joked and supported him in ways he never valued as much as he should have.
“I know you love the estate, and it will always be our home, but crazy as it might be, Cecilia was right. I do owe you a honeymoon.”
The look of disappointment on her face nearly killed him. She still thought that this was all about propriety, about his name and reputation.
If Gerald could do it all over again, from the moment he found that piece of paper his father had signed so many years ago that sealed his fate, there was only one thing he would never change. And that was marrying her.
But barging into her house, demanding she be given to him like some brute barbarian? Placing that three-night rule in what they had? Being this cold and distant? No. If he were blessed with a second chance, he would do none of those things but drop on his knees and beg Arabella to marry him.
“What I meant to say-”
“It would be awfully helpful if you stopped saying anything else except for what you really mean to say, Your Grace.”
He took one deep breath, cold sweat running down his spine. His hand rubbed his neck as if he were some sort of teenager in front of a principal. But it was now or never. Arabella was retreating emotionally from him. If this moment passed...
And yet he was still afraid. This was something he was not equipped for, something that he never imagined would happen to him, never wanted to happen to him.
What if she said no? What if she saw him for who he truly was, and that was not enough for a woman like her?
What if she knew already that he was not worthy?
But then another fear came over him, more potent, more forceful. A life without her. Without her light and laughter and beauty and radiance in his life. And that seemed a far bleaker future than having to deal with a rightful rejection.
“I want you, Arabella. You. I’ve wanted you since the moment you ordered six different flavors of ice cream, since you made me pretend it was an old lady’s husband, every time you pushed and argued and stood your ground, every time you showed me compassion I did not deserve.”
Her eyes went wide and unblinking, and her jaw slightly dropped.
If he were honest, that was more or less the reaction he was expecting, better than cold indifference anyway.
Then, as his words started to sink in, she blinked as if to recalibrate with her reality, with that newfound input.
And then he saw her breath coming in quick and shallow, as her mind was taken over by total disbelief, battling with something else.
He had probably made such a bad impression on her that she quickly decided that he didn’t mean a word of what he just said, or even worse, that this was some kind of ploy. She looked down and straightened her white gloves, swallowing hard.
“I am not sure I follow…” she said, with less bite and ice than before, but still…
“Look at me, Arabella.”
She didn’t obey him right away, just lifted her head and looked over his shoulder to avoid his eyes.
“I beg of you,” Gerald said. “Look at me.”
Gerald had never begged for anything in his life, but he thought that if he were to beg once, this was the time.
“Please, just look at me.”
Slowly, painfully, and obviously reluctantly, Arabella pinned her bottomless blue eyes on his.
And even though it was not that look of love and adoration he was dreaming of, or even companionship and mercy they had shared, his heart settled under her blue gaze.
She was here now, and now he had the chance to win her heart.
“I have been a fool,” he admitted. “I should have told you how I felt the moment I did feel it, but I didn’t even realize what that was until you left the house and I simply missed you.”
Arabella inhaled sharply.
“I missed you every moment, from the mornings I woke up and you were not there, to the nights I slept alone without you. Every single moment apart was unbearable to me. I was a fool because it took that pain to realize how much…”
He hesitated for one moment. Never in his life had he ever expressed emotion other than annoyance or, at best, amusement. And here he was, totally out of control, ready to rip out his heart from his chest and place it, still beating, at the feet of the only person who had made him feel something.
He was scared. All Arabella had to do to end his life was just step on that heart, and she wouldn’t even be cruel. He would never be mad at her. It was exactly what he deserved. What he was asking, no, what he was begging for, was for Arabella to forgive him and perhaps give him a second chance.
“I was a fool because,” he said firmly, “because it took for me to lose you to realize how much I love you.”
Arabella staggered back. Her hand went to her chest, and she shook her head as if she was trying to wake up from a dream.
“I love you, Arabella.”
It was so easy for him to say that now. After that first dam broke, the river of emotion just flowed from him freely, happily.
“You have no idea how much I love you,” he chuckled.
Saying it out loud finally made him feel good and real and alive. He was not living until he met Arabella. He was merely going through the motions a live person would go through. But after her, he laughed and tasted and desired.
He took one step closer to her, almost touching her. Arabella was still looking at him in shock and confusion. Very slowly, softly, he reached for her clenched hands. He looked at where he was touching her and then back into her eyes.
He was so close that he could see the golden sparks in the vast blue of her eyes, as if stars on a pale night sky. He could see her pulse beating at the base of her neck. He could smell her fragrance, that pure light that was only hers.
“I love you,” he said one final time, looking down into her eyes.
Painfully slow, he sees that cold mask she had donned slip from her face. The icy blue in her eyes grew warmer, like a summer sky. Her cheeks flushed, and her breath came out in soft huffs.
“Gerald?” she questioned one more time.
It was enough for him. She called him by his name, dropping all pretense, all coldness, and asking him directly for confirmation. He would live out his days to make sure that Arabella never questions how much he loves her.
One last step, and he is now so close that his body starts humming, because it wasn’t just his soul that missed her; his whole being was beating for her. He was happy that he had dropped propriety and that he did not wear his gloves, because he really wanted to touch her now, even lightly.
He raised his hand, and his fingers caressed her face slowly, deliberately, just to feel her warmth. Arabella’s eyes fluttered at the connection, and he was encouraged for more. He let his fingers play with a stray strand of her hair, placing the curl behind her ear.
“I am here, Arabella. I simply cannot let you go, not without you knowing exactly how I feel.”
She looked up at him with an incredulous look in her eyes, as if she was still questioning the sincerity of his words.
“I know,” he said, and he gently held her by her arms. “I know I’m not much. The only thing I have is money, and I pretty much lack everything else. I am cold and distant. My family is, to say the least, appalling. My reputation is frightening and discouraging.”
He stopped and looked down, realizing that what he was really trying to do was trap a radiant soul like her around his darkness. But he was greedy.
“I know I don’t deserve you, Arabella, but I can’t live without you. I simply can’t.”
Arabella tilted her head, studying him. Somehow, he knew that this was a monumental moment in his life. So, he stood still, looking at her, filled with hope and dread in the same measure.
“You..?” she started.
“I love you,” he said, and he would say it a hundred times more if he needed to.
“You love me,” Arabella repeated.
One hand left her arm and went up to cup her face. He was very careful; the moment was so fragile, but he couldn’t bear not touching her, not feeling her skin against his, even this little, even this much.
“I do. I love you. And I was a fool to let you go. Please, forgive me.”
It must have been for just a few seconds, but to Gerald it felt like a lifetime. They stayed there looking at each other, neither of them moving. It was as if the world had paused.
If she rejected him now, he would accept it. How could he expect that he deserved more in this life? How could he ever be worthy of such a sunny, clever, beautiful woman? Why would a woman like her ever want to spend her days wrapped in his darkness?
He looked into her eyes, expecting, waiting, begging. If there were just one hope she would ever be his, he was going to take it and make sure she never regretted it.
“Please,” he begged one more time.