Chapter 22 Benjamin
Ithrow the ball for Midas, trying to put everything into perspective.
Somehow, someone is going to need to tell Lio about Allesandro’s mental state.
For some reason, everyone thinks that should be me.
What the fuck do they think will happen if I do it?
He’s going to fall to pieces, and there’s no way I can put him back together again.
I should have just killed Il Padrone on the way out…
“That’s where you are,” Keegan calls out. I turn toward him as he zips up his coat. “I was beginning to wonder if I’d find you.”
Grunting, I wait for him to join me in the yard, even as I bend down to take the ball from Midas again. Throwing it, I sigh. “If you’re here to convince me that I’m the one who should talk to Lio about how Allesandro is doing, don’t waste your breath.”
“No. That wasn’t my plan,” he says slowly. “I’m actually here because you’re the Martelli Second. I’ve already spoken to Jude, and I wanted to make sure everything is working in coordination with each other, as I’m acting as Carter’s Voice for now.”
“Oh.” I blink at him, coloring slightly. “That…makes sense. Was there something specific you wanted to know, or just a general picture?”
“Actually…let’s circle back to that. I’m curious now. You and Lio have always been close. At least, until you became the official Second. I thought you guys made up though. What’s going on?”
Wrinkling my nose, I turn away from Keegan and focus on Midas.
Unfortunately, ignoring him doesn’t seem to work, as he stays next to me without saying a word.
Throwing the ball again for Midas, I side-eye Keegan, before giving in.
“It’s not that we’re…look, it’s complicated.
I would have thought you’d understand. You hated sharing Marcus, but now you’re suddenly in a relationship with Marcus and Carter.
And sure, Lio is my friend, but I don’t want to share Tennant with him. ”
He runs his fingers through his hair before grabbing me by the shoulder and turning me to face him directly. “That’s what this bullshit is about? Jesus. You got into a relationship with someone who is poly. Fucking hell. You can’t just snap your fingers and be all “this doesn’t work for me”.
“Not to mention, Lio would rather cut off his arm than hurt you. And there’s a difference between Allesandro and the sharing shit he did, versus the way Carter, Marcus, and I are working toward an actual relationship—hopefully. That means we all are valid, we all have feelings.
“Look, poly isn’t easy. But are you really expecting Tennant to…what? Choose you over everyone else?”
Growling, I throw my hands up. “No! I know he won’t.
I’m…trying to accept it, alright? But fuck.
It’s not easy. With Ignacio, I knew that I was his priority.
The sharing didn’t mean anything. He didn’t love Allesandro.
But with Tennant, I don’t know where I stand.
Ever. He tells me he doesn’t want me to marry Ignacio—fine, I’m happy to do that for him.
But what about me? Where do I sit in all of this? ”
“Have you asked him? And…actually, why do you think Ignacio would marry you? From what I can see, he’s extremely happy with Roman. Like, somewhat nauseatingly.”
I recoil as if he hit me. “Ignacio was mine. He has always been mine. And yeah, I chose Tennant. But…that doesn’t mean I don’t care about Ignacio.”
Keegan snorts as he stares at me. “Are you for real? I…have no words for this. Jesus. Alright, let’s try to break this down. You broke up with Ignacio because he wasn’t communicating. You chose Tennant. But now you don’t want to communicate with him?”
“We have talked. Supposedly, I’m to trust that our relationship is separate, it’s not a competition.”
“And you can’t trust that? You think, what? That this is a competition between you and his other lovers? Because if he's gone so far as to ask you not to marry someone else, then you’re certainly not some afterthought.”
Slumping, I stare down at the ground, ignoring the ball Midas brings back. Fuck. I don’t have an explanation for this shit. All I have is what’s in my heart, and those poisonous words slip out before I can catch them. “Don’t I deserve to have someone who wants me? Only me?”
“It sounds like Tennant wants you. He’s not the type of person who plays games—I don’t think he even can. But, if you can’t handle a poly relationship, then this isn’t the right one for you. Because you’d both be asking the other to put aside a part of who you are.
“This isn’t a compromise situation. Either you can accept him—and the relationships that make him who he is—completely, or you’ll be doomed to hurt. You’re already pulling away from Lio, and I never thought that was possible.”
“Neither did I.” I raise my eyes to meet Keegan’s hard stare, flinching from the fury rolling off him. “I…I’ll talk to him. Maybe…maybe I can just continue to deal with it. That’s what I’ve been doing.”
Keegan scoffs at me. “Not successfully. This isn’t a ‘deal with it’ situation. This is an ‘embrace or walk away’ situation. But you have to ask yourself: what are you really afraid of?
“From where I’m at, there’s nothing standing in your way. Tennant’s lovers have all embraced you. He certainly worships you. He lets you claim him. Do you really want to walk away from that? Over what, misguided jealousy? At the end of the day, those questions are what you have to answer.
“I know I wouldn’t give up Carter or Marcus. Both own me. It doesn’t mean one is less than the other, or hell, more than the other. It means that we’re fucking adults who know we love each other.
“So, sit out here and think about it, find your truth. But you need to either walk the fuck away or get with the program. This half in and half out bullshit isn’t doing anyone any good.”
With that, he whirls around and marches back toward the house. I consider calling him back to at least answer the original question he had before we delved into personal relationship shit, but I let it go.
He’s right. I can’t keep playing this off. Can I truly give my heart to Tennant? Especially when he’s given his to so many others? Then again, if he’s asking me not to marry Ignacio, does that mean he’d want to be the one marrying me? Because at least then I’d know that I’m—that we’re—safe.
Fuck. Keegan is right. This is going to take communication. But first, I need to figure out what I can live with, and what I can’t.
Picking up Midas’s ball again, I throw it and wonder how the fuck everything got so confusing. I’d crawl over jagged glass to be there for Tennant, but is that only trickery if I can’t accept him for who he is? And if so, where do I go from here…