Chapter 29 Tennant
Entering Benjamin’s office, I can't help but smile at the personal touches he’s added, such as photos of him and the Little Monster, and his certificates.
There are decorative pillows on the small couch in the corner, and a fucking plant.
A plant. Who has time to care for another living thing with all the shit we’re dealing with?
Benjamin, of course. It’s something endearing and totally him, and I wish I had the inclination to appreciate it, rather than wonder if the damn plant will be the only bright spot of this conversation.
“Hey.” His smile seems genuine, but then, so many of them have in the past. Now they’re tainted with the knowledge that I allowed myself to get swept up in his wake, simply because I wanted to.
“Do you have a few minutes?”
“For you? Always.” Benjamin pushes away from his desk and comes around to kiss me.
I soak up the feel of him in my arms, how slim and strong he is, and the way he fits perfectly against me. His touch and smell is burned onto my soul, and I’ll never be able to eradicate him from me. Fucking hell, is this how fucking Ignacio felt? I almost feel bad for the bastard.
“What’s wrong?” He pulls away and looks up at me with concern in his beautiful green eyes. Surrounded by dark lashes and offset by his glasses, he is…everything I wanted and then some. And it may all be a lie.
"Do you really love me, or was I just a convenient way to escape a relationship you didn't really want?"
“What?” He takes a step back, his lips parting slightly, and the glossy sheen on them is a temptation I have to ignore. “What the hell are you talking about, Ten? I love you. Of course, I do.”
“Yet you seem content to put me in a box that fits what you want, Topolino.”
Devastation crosses his features before anger overtakes them.
He narrows his eyes and his cheeks flush, as he sets his hands on his hips and stares at me.
“And what about me, Tennant? You think you can impose rules and conditions on how I love you, but get upset when I want the same? How is that fucking fair? Asking me not to marry someone else…to give up on something I’ve fucking dreamed of my whole life…
while giving nothing up yourself. You get to keep not only the lovers you already have, but add another one.
Double fucking standards if you ask me.”
“Is that what this is about?” I ask, my voice deadly quiet.
“Because I asked you to not marry someone I don’t trust not to hurt you?
” Laughing softly, I shake my head and lean against the door behind me.
My hands are behind my back and pressing hard against the wood, lest I do something reckless like wring the Boy’s neck.
“You’ve given me conditions, but expect me to be okay with you not offering anything up yourself? Is it any wonder I’m confused? Maybe it should be me asking if you really love me.”
The blow is worse than any injury I’ve ever had, and I had a fucking internal organ removed a few short months ago.
“I claimed you,” I say softly, unable to hide the tremble in my voice.
“You should be dead because you dared to touch me when I was at my most volatile. Instead, you wear my marks because you. Are. Mine. Only one other person has that honor. Not because I don’t care for my other lovers, but because I cannot live without either of you.
“I asked you not to marry Ignacio, not because I want to control you, but because I don’t want to see you hurt.
I had thought you would have gone back to him, given the way you trusted him to watch over you while you slept…
I was worried you’d give into him and end up broken in the process.
I would never use something like marriage against you, Benjamin. I know how much it means to you.”
He flinches at the sound of his name. In truth, I don’t remember the last time I called him by name, if I ever have.
But that’s who stands in front of me. Benjamin…
the broken Second and best friend to Emilio O’Connel, not my Baby Mouse.
Not the man who so effortlessly brought me to my knees in a way I didn’t know I needed.
Maybe I was wrong.
For the first time in my life, maybe my instincts have failed me.
“I’ve said from the beginning, I don’t share,” he says softly. “I’ve tried. I've tried so fucking hard to be what you need, but then you go and drop that on my lap, while at the same time, getting with Emilio, and I don’t know what to think. Why am I not enough?”
Fuck. Crossing the short distance between us, I cup his face in my hands, forcing his gaze to meet mine. “You are, Topolino. You’re more than enough. But for me? It’s not about the quantity or quality, or some other stupid shit your big, messy brain is trying to come up with. I love you, Benjamin.”
My words hang between us, and tears stream down his face, wetting my hands as he stares at me.
My fucking heart feels as if it’s going to beat out of my chest, it’s pounding so hard.
Of all the things I could have said, all the words and justifications I had…
having those words leave my lips feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
“Then why…?” His words are barely a breath of air.
“Because if anyone should give you what you dream about, what you deserve, it’s going to be me, not fucking Ignacio. Though I highly doubt Roman would allow that to happen anyway.”
Something flickers in Benjamin’s eyes, and I tighten my grip on him to the point I know he’ll have bruises on his cheeks later. Good. Maybe they’ll help remind him what he has.
“Don’t,” I tell him softly. “There’s nothing to be jealous of.
I know he’s your first love, and you’ll always love him, even if you two never get back together, but there’s no reason to be jealous.
Roman isn’t you, he couldn’t be if he tried, so there’s no space of yours he’s taking up, and vice versa.
“The love Ignacio had for you, and what he has for Roman, it’s completely different.
The same way he can see and build a life with you both, but it’s not like swapping underwear, Benjamin.
He isn’t trading you for another. And I…
cannot so easily give any of you up, because you’re what makes me me.
Hol…he is my life, my heart and soul, the treasure I found when there was nothing but blood and darkness around me.
Roman came in like a fucking sledgehammer.
Unable to keep his hands to himself, and so fucking defiant.
If you can believe it, nineteen-year-old Roman was a pain in the ass, and I wanted to put him in his place.
Instead, he turned out to be someone Hollis and I needed.
Not to complete us, we were solid as is, but he was another part we needed.
“When Jude came along…he was so fearless, so willing to take us on, even though he was in over his head. And I love the defiant edge he has, that he bends only for Hollis, and by extension me, even if he doesn’t allow me to get away with anything.
” I wipe more of his tears away, hoping I’m getting through to him in some way.
“Lio…I’m his Daddy. He’s given me more than I ever thought I wanted, and there's something about his need for me…I need it, too. He’s so open and honest with his needs and wants, and I find myself needing the quiet, the control, the pleasure that comes with having my Baby Boy giving me all his love and trust and devotion. ”
Benjamin lets out a sob and I pull him into my arms, holding him tightly.
“That brings me to you, Baby Mouse,” I say.
“My sweet, fierce, and lovable Topolino. Who never hid or shied away from me. You’re everything I’ve always needed and wanted, wrapped up in one package, but Benjamin…
if you can’t see how being with everyone else makes me a better lover for you, then I don’t know how to make this work. ”
He violently rips himself out of my arms. “I…I can’t lose you. Not after everything. Losing Ignacio…fuck! That was painful, but losing you would be like killing myself. I can’t…”
I want to hold him, but this is something he needs to work out for himself.
“And I can’t have a lover who has stabbing fantasies about the others.
I’ll be the first to admit, I’ll probably end up killing Roman one day.
The little shit knows how to push my buttons, but it won’t be without just cause.
Simply wanting to stab your supposed best friend because of his relationship with me?
That isn’t just cause. It’s dangerous, and can ruin us all.
“I thought after what Roman dubbed the ‘cuddle party’, you would see how we all fit together. That I need all of you, not just one or two, in order to be whole. You’re my family. The only one I’ve ever cared about.
“My mother…she put me in a boarding school to hide me from my father, and to hide from me, because she didn’t want to admit she was sick.
“My father took me in, but he gave me to Cristian because he didn’t know how to parent.
And I molded myself to be what Cris needed—wanted—because I had no other options.
Hollis changed that. And with each and every lover who saw past the monster I am, pieces of me fell further into place.
” Meeting his tear-filled gaze is hard, but I’ve never been one to back down, not from something so important.
“I don’t want you marrying Ignacio—or anyone else—not because I’m trying to control you, or take away your hopes and dreams, but simply because I am a man who loves you, and I don’t want to see you give yourself over to someone who doesn’t deserve you, just because you want a marriage.
Maybe that’s selfish, and I’m sorry for not explaining it properly, but you didn’t ask any questions, either. ”
He sniffs. “I was confused. You turned my world upside down, and I…don’t know who I am anymore. If the dreams I’ve had for so long are still viable, or if I can live with only some of you.”
I shake my head. “That’s the problem, Benjamin.
I keep saying over and over and over again that you get all of me.
Whether I’m physically with you or not, I do not separate myself into little pieces for my lovers, but instead, I carry them around with me at all times.
You are what I live and breathe, and I thought I was the same for you.
I thought this family we have was as important and special to you as it is to me, but I guess not. ”
He moves in, placing his hands on my chest, his fingers curling into the fabric of my shirt. “You’re everything to me, Tennant. Everything. I can’t lose you. I just don’t know how to be what you need me to be.”
Brushing my thumb across his cheek, I give him a small smile.
“I just need you to be yourself. The rest of it? I can help you with. Hollis, Roman, Jude, and Lio will help as well. Because we’re a family.
You don’t need all the answers right now, but I need to know you’re going to try, that you trust me, and that you won’t hurt—physically or emotionally—any of us.
Because I can forgive most transgressions, Topolino, but I cannot, will not, save you from Hollis, should he believe you’re a danger. ”
Benjamin’s eyes shine like sea glass, and I wait with dread filling my heart as he contemplates my words.
He lets out a shaky breath, but finally nods.
“I can’t promise to change overnight. Too much has happened…
so much pain and hopelessness. I was a possessive person before…
before Jax, but after him… I know what it feels like to have your love used against you.
To face down living without the one you long for, so…
I latched onto you hard, more than I should have.
I let the worst parts of me come out, and I allowed all of my fears and insecurities to take over.
Why would you want me when you have all of them? Why am I not good enough?”
“You’re perfect, Topolino. You’re more than enough… But I have to ask the same question. Why am I not good enough? Why do I need to be anyone except who I am in order to get you to love me? It’s quite the stalemate, one I don’t know how to fix without hurting us all.”
He swallows. “I want to be yours. I want what you have, the complete security and knowledge that your family will be there to pick you up when you fall. I just don’t know how to let go.”
I give him a small smile. “I can help with that. We can help with that. But…you have to try, Benjamin. Really, truly try, and come to me when you need reassurance. I can’t fix what I don’t know is broken.”
“Okay,” he whispers. “I will. I promise. And…I’ll somehow make it up to Lio and Hollis too.”
“Just don’t stab Emilio and Hollis will be fine. Though, don’t be upset that Lio told us about your conversation. We pushed him because we knew he was hiding something, and that is unacceptable.”
He smiles slightly. “As I’m learning now.”
I lean in and kiss him lightly. “Yes.”
Benjamin throws his arms around my neck and keeps me in place. “I really do love you.”
I really hope you do. “I’m not saying it again, that was a one-time deal.”
He laughs. “I know. It’s enough.”
God, I hope it is. I don’t know if I’ll survive a broken heart.