Chapter 30
Isit in my chair, crushed. My hands shake and I clench them into fists, trying desperately to hold myself when everything is spinning out of control.
My heart and mind are locked in a fight, and I’m not sure my soul can survive the devastation it’ll leave in its wake.
I try to force the panic down, but it won’t work.
Hot tears fall, and I struggle to breathe.
I claw at my chest, the anxiety attack is fucking worse than what I went through after Jax. Fuck.
The knowledge that I’ve almost lost Tennant…and hell, my best friend as well. Shuddering, I close my eyes, trying to block out the fear and guilt.
“Benjamin!”
My eyes snap open, and a new wave of tears fall when I see it’s Lio.
He doesn’t hesitate to take me in his arms, holding me tight, as if he can keep the pieces of me from falling apart.
I sob into his suit jacket, grasping it tight.
Fuck. I don’t deserve him, and shame chases me, making it impossible to speak as the feelings choke me.
“Love, please, talk to me,” Lio begs frantically. “Or…should I get Tennant? He’s really good at emotions.”
I snort as the tears finally slow and my strength gives out. Thankfully, Lio is right there to take my weight. I don’t deserve him, but fuck am I grateful for him. With a sigh, I push myself back upright and swipe at my eyes, not even giving a shit that my mascara is likely ruined.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. I cup his cheek and rest my forehead against his, soaking up the gentle strength he gives me. I lean back, only to note the confusion in his eyes.
“Why are you sorry?” He tilts his head, studying me.
I swallow and take a deep breath, before slowly blowing it out.
I force myself to meet his gaze as I lay my heart on the line.
“I never should have said I wanted to stab you. And I sure as fuck shouldn’t have thought it.
I know you. You’d never hurt me. I…I was jealous.
I’m trying to get over it—I will get over it.
Still, I’m sorry for even letting that thought cross my mind. ”
Lio waves my apology away, shaking his head as he drops his eyes. “There’s nothing to apologize for, Benjamin. You told me the truth. And hell, you probably should want to stab me more often.”
Growling, I grab his chin and force him to look at me. “You are incredibly loyal. Loving. And way too forgiving. I was wrong. I just…can’t figure out what Tennant means, and how to accept what he’s offering.”
Lio stands up and offers me his hand. Pulling me up, he walks toward the couch, tugging me along. Not that I put up any resistance. When he sits down, he grasps me tighter until I’m sitting right next to him.
“Tell me, Love. Tell me what’s confusing. I suck at emotions, but maybe I can help.”
I smile at the new endearment he’s given me.
It’s one I don’t deserve, and I know I have Tennant and Hollis to thank for getting him to the point he can express himself so confidently.
Sadly, the smile doesn’t last long as I try to put into words what happened.
I pull away from him, ashamed of what tumbles out of me.
“Tennant…questions whether I love him. I’ve hurt him deeply.
He’s always so honest with me, but my brain…
it’s broken. I want to know why I’m not enough for him, and he wants to know why he’s not enough for me.
I can’t figure this out. He tells me I don’t have to give up my dreams of marriage, but don’t I?
It makes no sense.” I yank at my hair, frustration rolling through me as it chases the fear.
“Hmm…” Lio pauses as he takes my hand in his again, holding it tightly. “I think he’s saying that if you want to be married, all you need to do is ask him. And that’s a pretty big deal for him.”
Huffing, I stare at Lio’s hand in mine, floored with that realization. Fucking hell. It makes sense. But… “How is that fair to the rest of his lovers, though?”
Lio grunts in frustration. “That word. Fair. Fuck. Life isn’t fair. But love? Love is a gift. It’s not something you divide up, saying I only have X amount to give. That’s not the way it works. Just because you love him, doesn’t mean you don’t have love for your friends and family, right?”
“True,” I say slowly. “But that’s far different than multiple lovers.”
“Is it? Because from where I’m standing, you’re looking at it all wrong. It’s not him with multiple lovers, it’s him with an entire family. One that I know will embrace us both. Hell, you know I’m always going to be there for you.
“You haven’t really gotten to know Roman, or you would see he has such a big heart. All he cares about is whether the people he loves are happy. And uh, probably don’t take his clothes. Although you can bond with him over nail polish.
“I’m not overly familiar with Jude yet, but I know there’s something special in him too. If only because my Daddy and Owner love him.
“I feel like you’re looking for the differences to point out, to set yourself apart in a sort of fucked up competition. Instead, look at it as we are all equal parts of a whole. Love isn’t divisible—hell, there’s not even a rule saying love looks the same in each instance.”
I soak in my friend’s wisdom, letting it heal the cracks in my heart. Still, I can’t shake my fear completely. Opening up further, I ask, “How did you do it? Before, you were dead set on only being Allesandro’s. How did you find the courage to let the others in?”
He shrugs a shoulder and for a moment, I don’t think he’ll answer.
Eventually, he does. “It’s not courage. It’s faith.
My Daddy and Owner have given me more than I can ever repay—not that they’d ever ask for it.
I know I can go to them with anything and they’ll be there to help me work through it. It’s impossible not to love them.
“Master… If I’m lucky enough to have him again, it’ll be easier because I’m more myself now.
I don’t have to hide. I’m stronger because of their family—all of them.
Tennant, Hollis, Roman, and Jude. They’re…
everything. And it makes me want to give them the same level of care that I know they’d offer me.
“The question, I guess, is can you accept that love isn’t one-size-fits-all? And that if you want to love Tennant, it means, at the minimum, respecting those he loves. Although…I vote that you give us a chance to show you the same love we all have. You may be surprised by it.”
“I think I would be,” I reply softly. His words fill me with hope. Something I’m not sure I deserve, but fuck if he doesn’t know how to break things down for me. Yawning, I shake my head, trying to stay awake.
Lio jostles me and I realize I must have failed at trying. Fuck. I glance at the time, but thankfully, not much has passed. “Come on. Let’s go take a nap before we deal with anything more.”
“I’m not sure we have time to do that…”
“Sure we do. You need to rest. Feelings and emotions fucking suck. They’re exhausting. But that’s the other good thing about having all of us. You’ll never have to face them on your own.”
I let him pull me up once again and follow him to my bedroom.
My office is on the first floor, but thankfully, my bedroom isn’t far away on the second floor.
With quiet, efficient movements, he insists on helping me into bed.
I want to tease him for it, but instead, I soak up the level of caretaking he’s giving me.
When he slides into the bed next to me, I open my arms and he quickly snuggles in.
I hug him tightly before loosening my arms just enough that he can at least breathe easier.
Having him here reminds me just how lucky I am in this life.
I could have taken Il Padrone’s out, but thank fuck I didn’t, because for as hard as this life may seem, Lio and Tennant make everything worth it.
And hell, if the others make them happy, then fuck, I’ll be grateful instead of worrying.
And if I struggle…Tennant and Lio will both be here for me until I can find the strength to truly accept it.
How the hell did I get so lucky? I may not deserve my homicidal teddy bear, or Tennant, but I’m not letting them go.
Even though it means I have to learn to get over myself.
I’ll make a list later of how to do it. For now, I follow my friend into slumber, knowing that I’ll be safe, if only because he’s here to help chase the nightmares away.