Chapter 31
Doc stares at me and I fight not to squirm under his glare.
He doesn’t have to say a word for me to know he’s still pissed.
My aching wounds are enough testament to that, considering he didn’t even offer me anything to numb the areas before stitching me up.
Not that I blame him. I earned every ounce of his wrath, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt like a motherfucker.
“I’m only allowing this because we’re out of ideas, and the Council needs an answer so they can move forward with a decision. I swear to fuck, Cris, if you fuck this up, I will kill you brutally.”
“Good to know you care, Doc.” I try for a smile but fail, and his glare gets more intense.
Sighing, I spread my hands, palms facing him, hoping he can hear the sincerity of my words as I say, “I need to do this, Doc. Please. I have nothing left to lose, so let me try.”
“Fine. You get five minutes. Don’t fuck it up.”
I follow him slowly out of my medical room, down to Allesandro’s. The stitches that run hip to hip ache and stretch with every step I take, but they remind me I’m alive, and that is far more than I deserve after what I did to Roman. I don’t deserve him.
Doc knocks softly on the partially open door before swinging it all the way open for me. He doesn’t say anything as I slide past him into the room, nor does he shut the door all the way. I’d protest, except I know they’re probably watching, so a closed door doesn’t make a difference.
Turning my attention to the man I’ve desperately wanted to see for a week or more…since Luca cut my hood open and left me tied up on the floor, to stare helplessly at my bound and broken friend. Seeing him now isn’t any better than it was then.
Allesandro doesn’t look at me, he simply lays back on his bed, his attention focused on the ceiling, his hands resting on his stomach as he seemingly waits for something—someone—that isn’t me.
It kills me. Knowing where we started, and how far we crashed and burned. Accepting that I had something to do with the way my love is now…it’s fucking heartbreaking.
Unable to stand the silence any longer, I say, “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Cuore Mio.”
He flinches, but finally looks at me. His bright blue eyes are dull, and there’s no spark of life, not even the hatred he should feel for the devastation I helped wrought on his family.
“Don’t… That’s… I’m not that. I can’t be.”
Sitting in the chair, I lean over my knees, clasping my hands in front of me and hating how broken this strong and brilliant man is. “I know. I’m sorry. You were my light in the dark when I needed you, and I helped ruin you.”
He sits up, shaking his head. “No, don’t…
don’t tear yourself down, please. I…it’s my fault.
I ruin everything I touch. I’m not worthy of being Il Padrone, and I'm certainly not worthy of your heart. I broke mine irreparably, I don’t want to do the same to yours… so, I can’t be what you need me to be.”
I stare at him and try to gather my thoughts, but the only thing I have to offer is the truth.
“You are, though. I lost Carter and Roman because of my actions. I’ll accept that.
I…can’t regret some of the things I did, but I will admit when I was wrong, where I went too far.
But with you, nothing between us was wrong. Twisted, yes, but not wrong.
“You saved me when we were kidnapped, put me back together after we were rescued, and you will always have a piece of my heart, My Love. I’m not in love with you, I never was, but I do love you, Allesandro.
I always will. Amore Mio. Cuore Mio. Amico Mio e luce.
Non siamo insieme sbagliati, solo non completi.
You might have given up on yourself, but I never will.
I’m just sorry for the part I played in your downfall. ”
“I never should have been at the top,” he says softly. “I never deserved it.”
“No,” I agree. “Me neither. Siamo solo uomini, Amico Mio. I nostri piedistalli sono andati, e possiamo essere solo uomini ora. Chiunque siano quelle persone.”
“Yeah…” He nods slowly, but I don’t think he believes my words any more than I do.
Reaching out, I give his hand a squeeze, ignoring the way he flinches. After a moment, he squeezes back, though it’s weak, and I can only hope it brings him some comfort.
“I’ll always love you, Allesandro. As a friend, and as a part of me. I hope you one day will forgive me, and yourself, enough to repair our friendship into what it always should have been.”
He swallows and doesn’t reply, just drops my hand. I don’t let the rejection sting, knowing it’s selfish to ask that of him, but unable to help myself.
Standing, I press a kiss to his downturned head, before exiting the room, leaving him with the last pieces of my already shattered heart, and hoping that isn’t the last time I see my friend.
But…I know what’s to come. Roman may have let me live, but he was acting as the son I hurt, and on behalf of the husband I left behind.
This time tomorrow, the Council will deliver their final verdict, and these might be our last few days alive.
I hope it's painless. And that they give my love mercy.