Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
Dave
I ate a mini muffin while I waited to see my daughter for the very first time .
This morning, while Bess had been refreshing her makeup, I’d actually Googled “fifteen-month-old,” because I had no clue what size child that was. The sites I’d found had taught me that at this age, they’re still babies. But some of them can walk or say one word at a time .
If there was a more clueless man in the world than I was, I hoped I’d never meet him .
So there I sat, listening to my sister make small talk with Benito while I tried not to panic. After a couple of long minutes Zara emerged from the little hallway to the back of the apartment. Against her chest, she held a small person with chubby arms. The baby’s cheek lay against Zara’s shoulder, so I couldn’t see her face .
But that hair . Suddenly I was four years old again, watching my angry mother stomp around our little shitbox of a house with baby Bess wailing in her arms .
I fought off an honest-to-God shudder .
Nobody seemed to notice my distress. They were all watching the baby. Zara sat down on the sofa beside her brother, her daughter settling into her lap. And Bess made a little gasp of excitement .
“There she is,” Zara’s brother said in a low voice. “Hi, princess .”
The baby turned slowly toward her uncle’s voice, and I saw her face for the first time. She had pink cheeks and sleepy eyes .
The room was silent as Zara adjusted Nicole on her lap. “That’s Bess,” she said, gesturing toward my sister. “ And Dave .”
I swallowed hard, hoping nobody could sense my terror. But the baby didn’t even look in my direction .
“And your crazy Uncle Benito, of course .”
“Nicole!” He encouraged. “Say… Uncle Ben !”
“Baba-ba!” The baby said. Her soft little voice made chills rise up on my arms .
“Almost!” Zara’s brother grinned. “You could try for just Ben. I’m not picky .”
He was making jokes, while I sat over here having an out-of-body experience. What was, after all, the proper reaction to meeting the child you never knew you had? I noticed how the width of her shoulders was about the same as the length of my hand. And that her elbows dimpled in a baby- like way .
She was seriously cute. I wasn’t a heartless person. I was just way, way out of my depth here .
Benito reached for his niece, taking her onto his lap, and she leaned against his chest as if he were her own personal cushion .
Zara smiled, looking more relaxed, finally. As if watching her brother with her baby was the best thing in the world. And maybe it was. I never meant to throw a wrench into Zara’s life, but it comforted me a little bit to know she had her family around her .
“Ben has been out of town for three months, and that’s a fifth of her life,” Zara was saying. “I’d been worried that Nicole wouldn’t remember him. But when she saw him this morning she ran over and gave him a look that basically said, ‘Where ya been, man? Let’s party .’”
Benito put a hand on the baby’s back and patted it, as if it were the easiest thing in the world .
“Oh, Zara,” my sister said, swallowing hard. “She’s so beautiful .”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t trust myself. I’d never doubted that Zara’s baby would be beautiful. But it sure wasn’t because of me .
My sister got up and fetched the plush dog from its spot on the floor. “Hi, Nicole,” she said, kneeling down on the rug beside the coffee table. “I’ve got someone here who wants to meet you .”
Nicole lifted her still-sleepy face from Benito’s shoulder. When she spotted the dog she began to wiggle toward the floor .
Ben set her down on her feet, and Nicole put one chubby hand onto the coffee table. Then she began to move, clutching the table in one hand, waddling around it toward Bess and the big stuffy .
“Look at you! Walking like a big girl!” Bess’s eyes were shiny .
In order to reach my sister, the baby had to pass me. And I was so trapped inside my own head, just trying to take it all in, I didn’t realize that my knees were blocking her way around the coffee table. She stopped, put a surprisingly warm little hand on my bare knee and turned to look up at me .
When I got a look at her expression, a small bark of shocked laughter escaped from my throat. Her face was miniature, but it was all business. Outta my way, mister . And her eyes— dark brown, with an intensity that was all her mother. The familiarity stole my breath .
I moved my knees in a hurry, and she toddled past .
“Isn’t the likeness amazing?” My sister asked .
“Yeah, to her mother .” I looked up to where Zara sat on the sofa. “She just gave me a…Zara glare .”
Zara’s eyes widened. She gave me a smile that was a little less terrified than before, and I felt my chest flood with an emotion I had no name for .
When she made her way over to Bess, Nicole sort of flung herself onto the dog, which was at least twice her size. My sister laughed, and I saw tears in her eyes. Bess put a tentative hand on the baby’s soft hair and whispered something sweet to her .
I swear to God I’d never seen my sister fuss over a baby before. Didn’t know she liked babies. Then again, I’d never really asked her .
And, crap, my own eyes began to feel hot .
I took a deep inhale and let it out slowly. My baby . I tried the words out in my head for the first time. Those impossible words .
But she was right there on the rug, her little arms squeezing the stuffy .
Deep breaths .
While Bess was focused on the baby, I snuck glances at Zara. I couldn’t imagine what was in her head right now. Did she even want me to meet her child? She was probably just humoring us. She’d never wanted anything to do with me outside of the bedroom. The Zara I’d known before would have kicked us out already .
But I had to admit that this new Zara seemed different. She was tentative. Watchful. I hated to wonder if that was my fault, if I’d knocked her off her game by showing up here again .
Her eyes suddenly met mine, and I realized that she’d been sneaking looks at me, too. We both looked away at the same time .
Meanwhile, Nicole was becoming more comfortable with my sister. More animated. She stood on her stubby legs and gathered the dog’s floppy midsection into her arms. Then she tried to walk with him .
It didn’t work out so well. She stumbled twice, Bess catching her each time. Bess got closer, trying to hold the stuffy so Nicole could grip it better. And I saw Nicole raise her eyes to Bess’s, and then decide she didn’t want a stranger’s help. She looked around for her mother, wearing a suddenly cranky face .
“Right here,” Zara said quickly .
The baby did her little waddle—butt out, hands up—back in her mother’s direction. And when she reached Zara’s knees, she was scooped into her lap. Then Nicole grabbed the edge of Zara’s T-shirt and began to tug it upwards .
“Um…” Zara chuckled, looking suddenly uncomfortable. She used an elbow to pin her shirt down against the baby’s attempts to lift it. “Benny? Would you grab me that afghan behind you ?”
He handed over the blanket, and I watched her drape it over Nicole’s head. The baby squawked, and I still didn’t know what was going on. Zara reached underneath the blanket, wriggling to adjust something. “We’re still nursing,” she said, which finally clued me in. “It’s probably time to wean, but I just haven’t gotten around to it .”
She gave me a nervous little glance, but I sure as hell didn’t have an opinion about nursing babies. And I wouldn’t have voiced one if I had .
Once again, Bess made small talk by asking Benito about the mill and by picking up our coffee mugs to take them over to the kitchen area .
“I got those,” Benito said. “ You sit .”
There was movement under the blanket, which was suddenly flung away by one little arm. It was hard to blame the kid for pushing the blanket off her face on an eighty-degree day. But Zara’s cheekbones flushed pink as her baby made herself more comfortable by baring Zara’s breast. She’d put her little palm up against the swell of Zara’s boob .
And—whoa. Zara had expanded in the chest department. She was curvy now .
The baby’s hand wandered off her mother’s breast and into Zara’s hair, which she wrapped around her little fingers as she suckled .
I was witnessing something intimate and touching in a way that seemed entirely foreign to me. Goosebumps broke out on the back of my neck .
I’d never been in so far over my head .