Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
Zara
S o there I was, tit in the breeze, Nicole slurping away like a starving baby while my brother laughed and my former lover averted his gaze .
If I’d learned anything the past two years it was that humility and motherhood were bosom buddies .
“Anybody heard any good jokes today?” I asked into the uncomfortable silence .
Bess dabbed at her eyes. “You’re a good sport, Zara. Thank you for letting us come over today .”
“It’s my pleasure,” I said, although it was a lie. I couldn’t think of a more stressful moment in my life, including the scary day when I’d taken a home pregnancy test and had seen a plus sign .
Dave leaned forward and grabbed another of Audrey’s mini muffins. “This is a cool old mill. When was it built ?”
“In the 1890s,” my brother said, rising from the couch. “From over here you can see the original hydraulic system .”
Dave followed my brother out onto the terrace, and I could hear Ben’s voice as he pointed to the old water wheel below .
Bess and I were left alone, and I let myself exhale .
“You must be freaking out,” she whispered .
The observation caught me off-guard, and I laughed. “So much for my acting career .”
She grinned. “Bumping into him must have been a shock .”
“I don’t know which of us was more stunned,” I admitted. “I searched for him, you know. Benito did , too .”
“ Dave said .”
I shrugged. “Never meant to drop a bomb like that on anyone. I was at least as afraid as him .”
Bess sighed. “Dave said he was kind of abrupt .”
“It was a shock,” I said, dismissing it .
“Sure, but…” She glanced toward the terrace and back at me. “We had kind of a harrowing childhood. He has a pretty dismal view of family life .”
Wonderful . I kept my face impassive, but she probably saw me flinch .
“Listen.” She leaned forward. “He’s a good man. He just might need a little time to get his head around the idea. He used to talk about you, you know .”
“He did?” I failed to keep the surprise out of my voice .
“Whenever he got drunk and mellow. He’d say, ‘I met this girl in Vermont. Did I tell you about Zara ?’”
All the hair stood up on the back of my neck. The story I’d told myself was that Dave forgot about me the minute he left Vermont. And I’d sort of needed that to be true, so that I wouldn’t think wistful thoughts about him. “We had a lot of fun together,” I said slowly. “But that was a long time ago .”
Bess’s green gaze looked thoughtful. “I’m just saying, it meant something to him. He’s freaked out right now, but he’ll come around. He’s an excellent caretaker .”
“Of who?” I whispered .
“ Me . He saved me.” Her eyes got shiny. “When he was fourteen, he hit himself in the face with a wrench. Four times .”
“God, why? ” I gasped .
“So that someone would notice ,” she said quickly. “Our father only hit us where it wouldn’t show. I got the worst of it, because I fought back more than Dave did. It was terrible. So he needed to make a point, that’s why he beat himself up. That same week, the school intervened. Our grandparents had to step up and open their home. He broke his own cheekbone. But our father never hit me again .”
“Jesus, Bess!” Dave hissed, re-entering the room. “Nobody wants to hear about that .”
Bess flushed, but her eyes argued with him. And her brother stared her down, quietly threatening hellfire if she kept talking about their childhood .
It was almost like I could hear their argument flying back and forth through the air. Because I’d had those sibling standoffs, too. Benito and I had engaged in more silent battles than I could count .
My brother bailed them out of their argument by changing the subject. “Bess, have you been to Vermont before ?”
“I can’t say I have .”
“When Nicky has had her fill, we can all get outside for a few minutes. I’ll give you the nickel tour of the banks of the Winooski River. Or you and I could go down now .”
“Great idea,” she said, taking the bait. She rose from the sofa, not looking at Dave .
They were obviously trying to give me a moment alone with Dave, though I wasn’t sure either of us was ready for one .
“We’ll join you in just a minute,” I said. “Nicole loves to get outside .”
“See you down there.” My brother headed for the door .
A silence settled over the room as soon as Benito and Bess exited. Avoiding Dave, I looked down at Nicole, where she lazily nursed in my arms. One of her chubby hands had found a lock of my hair, which she was twisting. When she’d been really little and nursing all the time, I’d had to pin my hair up or she’d tie me in knots .
A shadow fell over us, and then the sofa depressed under Dave’s weight as he sat down beside me. I held my breath .
“She’s beautiful, Zara.” His voice was so soft I might have missed it if all my senses weren’t dialed up to eleven. “Just like you .”
“Thank you,” I said stiffly. And Nicole chose that moment to pop off of my nipple and struggle to sit up. I swiftly tucked my boob away and smoothed down my shirt. The baby spent a moment studying Dave. My pulse pounded in my ears, and I waited to see if she’d climb into his lap. Nicole loved men, in spite of the fact that she didn’t have a daddy. She gravitated toward their deep voices, and never showed any fear. Mommy’s girl .
I wondered what he’d do if she approached him. Would he pick her up and smile? Or would that look of hesitation stay on his face ?
And which of those two things did I want? I was at war with myself .
Nicole didn’t approach him, though. Dave wasn’t doing anything particularly entertaining—just watching her. So Nicole decided to wiggle toward the floor. I set her down and then found Dave studying me .
“Hey. I wanted to apologize again for being rude yesterday,” he whispered as Nicole wandered back over to the giant stuffy Bess had brought. “I was shaken up .”
“I can only imagine .”
“I’ll bet you’re a little shaken up, too, though .”
“Yeah,” I said quickly, meeting his green eyes. And, wow. I never thought I’d be trapped in that emerald gaze again. “Yesterday was like seeing a ghost .”
He smiled suddenly, and I felt a shiver of familiarity. Then his smile faded. “I’m sorry if I was a dick .”
“It’s okay. I get it.” I cleared my throat. The tension between us was oppressive, so I changed the topic. “Your sister is great .”
“In small doses,” he corrected, and I laughed. “Your brothers really look out for you , too .”
“That would be better in small doses, too,” I agreed. “They love me, but my family is bossy as fu… heck ,” I corrected quickly .
He grinned. And then he did something even more unexpected. He reached over and pulled me into a brief, tight hug. “It’s good to see you again,” he whispered right into my ear. “I can’t imagine the time you’ve had .”
The next moment he released me, but it took a few seconds for my brain to catch up. I was still stuck on the feel of his hard chest against my body and the familiar scent of his aftershave. “I…” I stammered, my brain fogged. “It’s been…” Focus, Zara . “I’m doing well. You don’t have to feel guilty .”
“I do, though.” His voice was gruff .
“No,” I shook my head. “Don’t. A lot has changed for me these two years, but that’s not a bad thing.” It wasn’t easy for me to explain. “Becoming a mother wasn’t something I’d been considering—yet. I was kind of a wild teenager. I may have mentioned that .”
He smiled broadly, and it changed his face into a more welcoming place. It was so easy to smile right back at him .
“Anyway… I didn’t think I was a maternal person. So at first I was terrified. But then I realized that I was her person .” I checked his face, and he was listening intently. “That sounds like a weird way to put it. But it was me or nobody, and that was bracing …”
Nicole pushed past me and toddled over toward the stuffed dog again .
I realized I was rambling. “I’m not expressing myself well. My brother Damien says that he had to become a soldier before he figured himself out. And for me, it was like taking care of a newborn was my own personal boot camp. I just dug in and learned how everything worked, and I did as good a job as anyone else .”
“I’m sure you did,” he said .
“The thing is—I loved it. She slowed me down. I used to spend time worrying about my lack of direction and all my mistakes. But I don’t anymore. And now I co-own a growing business. Go figure.” I took a breath and realized I’d been talking about myself for a long time now. So I sprang off the couch. “Shall we walk outdoors? It’s a nice day .”
Nicole looked up when I mentioned going outside. She pushed up onto her feet and headed for the door. I followed her and slipped some shoes onto my feet. Then I had a moment of wondering whether I should try to put shoes on Nicole. She’d prefer to be barefoot, and I’d prefer to avoid the wrestling match. But I didn’t want to look like a hick who didn’t dress her child appropriately .
My baby let out an impatient squawk, so I lifted her and decided she didn’t need shoes. “Okay, toots.” I opened the door .
Dave followed me downstairs and outside, where we spotted Benito in the distance, showing Bess the cornerstone of the Gin Mill building, laid in 1804 .
“Nice place,” Dave said to break the silence .
“It belongs to my brother, Alec. He opened the bar first. Then Audrey and I opened the coffee shop .”
“Audrey is the blonde?” he asked .
“That’s right,” I said. “She’s my business partner .”
“Is she still dating your ex ?”
I looked at him with surprise. “They’re getting married in two weeks. How did you know that ?”
“I remember her from the bar, that’s all.” He frowned at me. “So you own a business with your ex’s fiancé ?”
“Sure. She’s my best friend now. It’s not weird.” My gaze challenged him to disagree .
His said, Well, okay. If you say so . Out loud he said, “I’m going to pay child support, just as soon as my lawyer educates me on how that all works .”
“Dave,” I argued instinctively. “I didn’t ask you for money .”
“Never said you had. But I can afford it, and there’s no reason for you to object .”
We stopped right there on the lawn, staring each other down. The familiar push and pull of our summer together seemed to have risen up like a spirit between us. I saw the same bossy spark in his eye, and it was so familiar that I couldn’t look away. The masculine curve of his cheekbone. The determined set of his mouth. It was just the same .
And I ached .
“What do you want from me?” I finally asked .
He smiled. “I’m pretty sure that’s my line. Lawyers can only tell me so much. I need to know what you want from me . How I can help you. I have a few ideas, but it’s better if you let me know .”
I turned away, walking slowly toward my brother and Bess again. Nicole had already made it to Benito, her little hand on his knee .
What did I want from Dave? Nothing was the first answer that popped into my head. There were already too many people I owed. My heart was a traitorous bitch, though. If I opened my mouth to say so, the word everything might come tumbling out instead .
And that wasn’t on offer, and never would be .
“I’ll think about it,” I said stiffly. “How long are you in town, anyway?” By which I meant, How often do I have to look at you and try not to remember how good we were together ?
“Until the second week of August. Then I go to training camp with my team .”
“Oh. Okay.” Six whole weeks. His offer of child support was something I would have to consider. I shouldn’t turn down the money. Even I wasn’t stubborn enough to refuse a college fund for Nicole .
Yet I wondered why he was so eager to pay, even without being asked. Maybe it was his way of soothing his conscience. If he sent us a check every month, he could tell himself he was a good dad. He could put some distance between us and still hold his head up high .
If that was his plan, I’d just have to be okay with it .