Chapter 26
T wisted nightmares of Reid crashing down the mountain consume me.
The metal of his dirt bike groans and crunches upon colliding with the rocky decline.
In one nightmare, I'm on the mountain but can't get to him and I watch him suffer alone for those horrific days he was missing. In another nightmare, he isn’t so lucky.
I’m force fed a montage of Reid dying on impact, dying from exposure on the mountain, dying from sepsis in the hospital, losing his broken leg to amputation and all kinds of horrors I can't bear.
I always suspected that a harrowing event caused the scarring to his gorgeous face. He's ashamed of his appearance, both literally and as how he's portrayed to the world as a womanizer.
I want to siphon away every ounce of shame and fill him with the pride he deserves—for surviving the worst years of his life, one day at a time. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to wake up and muster the will to suffer through another day. I know the feeling intimately.
Reid and I have been toeing a precarious line for weeks. The chemistry between us is undeniable. We’ve been speeding towards an impasse—explore what could be, or retreat into our individual fears and insecurities and never find out what we might have lost.
I took in Reid’s story as if I could absorb his pain and relieve him from it permanently. My body aches for the agony and despair he’s faced. I was stunned when he opened up to me before the crackling fire last night.
When I kissed him, my chest cracked open, and now my organs are exposed to the open air. I know with complete certainty that the only balm to my agony is to be near Reid.
I’ve been lying awake in bed since before the sun rose, partially from nightmares, but from building up the courage to be vulnerable with him in return.
Not allowing myself another moment of second guessing and overthinking, I cover my pajamas with my favorite old grey hoodie, and let my feet carry me to his bedroom door.
He's sound asleep on his back, torso exposed to the morning light filtering through the curtains. My fingers twitch with need to touch his chest and run them through his trimmed chest hair. The lines in his face from perpetual tension and scowling have smoothed.
He's painfully handsome. No amount of scarring could change my attraction to this man. If anything, his bravery and perseverance make him even more beautiful to me.
He must sleep hot because there's a definite chill in the cabin this morning, but the bed sheets are pulled down low on his pelvis. His hard lines and rough edges cause dampness in my panties.
I want him.
I want him so badly it hurts.
He was courageous enough to be vulnerable with me and tell me his entire truth. I know I want to explore something deeper with Reid, but it’s only fair he knows my entire truth before he makes any decisions.
He may not be able to get past what happened to me. I can’t bear the thought that he might blame me for that night or judge me for being weak and caving under the torment.
I surprised myself with how little I mind Reid having an extensive sexual history. In one way, he's still the strapping twenty-something I fell over my feet for in middle school. In another way, he's the Reid I know today.
Everything in between feels irrelevant in light of my growing feelings towards him. Like I told him, everyone has a past and things they wish they could do differently.
I refuse to let this moment become one of those regrets in my future. I'll never forgive myself if I don’t let Reid past my defenses and see if we could become something real.
Resolve emboldens me and I pad across the rug covered hardwood floors to his bedside. I perch on the edge of the mattress, careful not to startle him. He's breathtaking, relaxed in sleep. I want to memorize every detail of him.
I gently run my hand up and down his warm forearm, his arm hair tickling my palm. He wakes slowly, like subconsciously he knows he's not alone. He grabs my hand touching his arm, eyes wild.
“I didn’t mean to scared you.” I offer gently. “I had a hard night and need some comfort. Lucky for you, or unlucky I guess, you offer me comfort in spades.” I give him a wry smile.
He frowns at my admission and sits up in bed, scooting back to lean on the headboard. “Did something happen? Are you ok?” Concern overtakes his expression.
“No, no. Nothing like that. I guess hearing everything you’ve been through hit close to home for me.” Unease floods my gut— this was a mistake. I shift my weight attempting to flee but his large hand stops me, gripping my bare thigh.
“I know I haven’t given you much reason to trust me, but you can talk to me, Isabelle,” Reid offers.
“Can I sit with you?” I gesture to the empty side of the bed next to his imposing form.
He shifts, making space for me and pulls back the duvet in an invitation to join him. I get in bed next to him, fluff the pillows behind my shoulders, and tuck the covers up around my hips. I'm immediately comforted by his nearness and his pure, Reid-ness.
I frown at him as my nerves amplify and he frowns back at me, making me chuckle. The levity he gives me is the encouragement I need.
“I’m sure waking up to an emotional woman was not on your to-do list today.
But before you jump to any conclusions, I need you to know it’s important to me that I tell you my story.
” He opens his mouth to protest but I continue.
“I know I don’t have to, and you don’t expect me to air my dirty laundry to you.
But if it’s alright with you, I’d like to share it with you.
I feel like of anyone in the world, you might understand. You might see me.”
“Always.” That's all he says. But his affirmation tells me everything I need to know—I can tell him my worst truths and he'll hold them for me.
“I’ve already told you that I’m a virgin.
Which based on every rumor I’ve ever heard about myself, would be categorically untrue, right?
My history with sex is complicated, so much so that I don’t even know how to define it.
It sounds stupid, but I'm hoping that by talking it through with you, I might understand better…what happened to me.”
“What do you mean, what happened to you ?” Murderous rage bleeds from his words.
I don’t answer him directly.
“I wasn’t a popular kid in school. Once things like clothes and shoes started mattering, it was painfully obvious that Delilah and I didn’t have as much as the others—far much less. We kept to ourselves, with Olivia and Connor, of course.” Thinking of them makes me smile.
“So, imagine my surprise when a popular boy from the year above me asked me to prom.” I can tell Reid doesn’t like where my story is heading, but I continue.
“I could barely believe it when he asked me to prom—he was a junior and I was just a sophomore.
Hardly any underclassmen went to prom because it was for upperclassmen and their dates.
God, I'd been so excited. Delilah and I pooled all our money and went to a consignment store. I found the dress . It was a sparkly cerulean-blue high-low gown in a bouncy fabric that had lovely shape and movement. The dress had a halter top with a sweetheart neckline that gave me the illusion of having boobs.” Reid huffs, disliking my self-deprecation.
“It was fitted through my hips and flared out in a flamenco-like shape and when I twirled, I felt like a princess. The cherry on top was a pair of strappy silver heels off the clearance rack. I'd never felt so beautiful as I did that night. He made me feel like I was part of his group all evening, but we didn’t end up staying at the dance for very long. There was a huge afterparty at someone’s ranch whose parents were out of town.
I was having so much fun that I went with them.
” I look away from Reid, filled with shame.
I can’t believe what a naive fool I was.
“He led me to one of the bedrooms and locked the door.” I don’t notice I’m trembling until Reid gently takes my chin in his fingers and turns my head towards him.
“It’s ok, sugar. I’m here.” His touch grounds me.
“I thought he was going to kiss me, and while I was nervous, I was also excited. I’d never been kissed before—and having my first kiss on prom night felt magical.
As soon as we were locked in that room, everything about him changed.
He'd been carefree and polite all night. Flirty, but nothing over the top. So, it took me off guard when he crowded me up against the bed. He started groping at me and…” I trail off, unable to continue.
I'm transported back to that moment, feeling everything all over again. My heart was racing so fast, the blood pounding in my ears was deafening and I couldn’t get enough air.
His hands on my breasts tightened to the point of pain and I tried to push away from him.
He fisted a sweaty hand around my long hair like a leash and tipped my face up to look into his glazed eyes.
He’d imbibed in the flask plenty and his breath reeked of cheap liquor, just like my parents’ breath smelled.
Nausea roiled in my gut when he pressed his mouth to mine and licked into my mouth like a dog, stealing my first kiss.
Reid untangles my hand knotted up in the sheets and laces our fingers together.
“The boys had a bet on how many virginities they could take, and I guess mine was a top prize. He pinned me to the bed with the fist tangled in my hair. His free hand flipped up my dress and wrenched down my panties. I was crying, begging him to stop. I was so panicked I couldn’t even manage to scream.
” A tear rolls down my cheek. Reid brushes it away with his thumb.
My voice cracks. “I tried pushing him away, but he was so much bigger than me, and he had such a tight hold on my hair. I should’ve tried harder.”
Reid cuts me off, “Don’t. Do not for a second blame yourself. You hear me?”
The problem is, I do blame myself.