Chapter 17
The first thing I noticed was the blank stone inches from my face, which made me wonder briefly what had happened to the orange tent. Yet, despite the change, this place was comfortable and warm. I woke up feeling utterly safe for the first time in a long while.
However, as awareness slowly seeped in, I became acutely conscious of the warmth pressed against me, another presence that kept my hands from covering my face.
A weight was draped over my back, stretched over my legs, and wrapped around my front, pinning me in place. My heartbeat began to pick up as a soft breath brushed across my cheek, and my muscles locked.
I could scarcely breathe as Miles sighed against my ear and burrowed his face further into my neck.
My throat was tight. I could barely remember how we ended up like this. Miles had moved me as I’d drifted off. He’d lain between me and the cave’s entrance, blocking the coldest air. At the time, I was too tired to blush.
But with the morning light now peeking in, everything seemed different. The immediate danger that had pushed us so close was gone, and here we were, naked under a scant blanket, way too close for comfort.
And then there was that unmistakable pressure against my backside. I knew exactly what it was.
My cheeks flamed, and my skin turned clammy. If Miles woke up now, he’d be mortified. He used to be a monk, a model of virtue, and supposedly, my past life, Mu, had led him astray with his slutty ways.
This portion of history would not be repeated.
His arm was under my head, doubling as my pillow. His other arm was wrapped around my chest, his hand tucked under my ribs. Could he feel my heart hammering against him?
Why was he holding me so tightly? When we’d slept in his room before, he always kept to his side of the bed and had vanished by the time I woke up.
However, the most critical question was this: how could I escape without him knowing?
I twisted—trying to ignore the feel of his bare arms over my exposed breasts—until I turned over. The ground was hard across my stomach as I pressed my palms against the stone floor.
This position wasn’t much better—it wasn’t any easier to escape. But on a positive note, Miles’s morning wood was no longer snug against my butt.
Damen’s assurance repeated in my mind: a man would not die from blue balls, and Miles would survive this ordeal.
But there was still the matter of it jutting into my side. It was a better location, certainly, but it’s still terribly embarrassing.
For Miles. Not me.
He could never know. After escaping, everything would go back to normal.
This never happened. I could never tell him that I was afraid.
I forced my breathing to calm and glanced at my sleeping companion from the corner of my eye. Thankfully, he showed no signs of waking. Despite my movements, his face remained serene. He was blissfully and innocently unaware of our current position.
I needed to act quickly. If only I could push him off me, I could cross the cave in seconds.
I sucked in a breath, tensing my shoulders in preparation to flee. I would have to use all my strength to push his dead weight off me. Why did he have to have so many muscles?
Three, two …
“ Mu… ” Miles murmured, barely loud enough for me to hear, and his embrace shifted, pulling me from my almost-freed position until my face was pressed into his chest. “Where are you going?”
I tensed as a familiar helplessness began to consume me, spreading like poison under my skin. There was simply no way to escape this death grip.
On the other hand, my curiosity warred for dominance over my fear because what in the world?
My thoughts scattered as Miles’s grip tightened, and a certain part of his anatomy was now pressed directly against the juncture of my thighs. We were both sticky from sweat—from cuddling all night long—dirty, and the force of his presence was almost overwhelming.
But definitely not in a good way.
The bile was rising in my throat, and my emotions were dizzying. I could barely breathe as he nuzzled my cheek, then pressed his mouth against my jaw with a sleepy sigh.
I couldn’t move, couldn’t react. Internally, I was screaming.
I didn’t care if he knew anymore—I had to escape.
“Miles!” I breathed. This was only Miles, and I knew he would never hurt me. Yet, it was impossible to contain my panic.
“Miles, p-please wake up!” My voice broke as I pushed against his chest.
His soft snore ended in a grunt, and his face twisted as bleary eyes opened.
“Bianca?” he asked, his voice groggy. He pushed his hips further into me as he asked, “What—”
His question dropped mid-breath, and his eyes widened while he stilled.
“Shit!” He retreated instantly, pushing to his knees and pulling me into a sitting position in one quick movement.
“Bianca, I’m sorry!” he said, tucking the blanket around me.
“It’s o-okay,” I stuttered, touching my trembling fingertips to my mouth. How was it possible to feel guilty, yet terrified, at the same time?
This wasn’t his fault.
“It’s okay,” I repeated, and my voice was firmer this time. “Don’t be sorry,” I said, reminding myself of this as much as him. “It’s not a big deal.”
Though, in reality, it felt plenty big enough.
“I usually wake up before you,” Miles said. “I’m sorry—”
“Please stop apologizing.” I gritted my teeth, tearing my eyes from his. Why couldn’t we pretend this never happened? And what did that mean—this had happened before?
This was the exact situation I had been trying to avoid. My focus turned to his tense shoulders, and I fought to keep my tone indifferent. “It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine!” Miles’s touch lingered over my arms, his voice firm. “We need to talk about this, Bianca. Ignoring it won’t make it go away.” He seemed almost afraid to touch me, his movements gentle yet deliberate. “You’re shaking.”
Why did he have to point it out? It was one thing for me to freak out with Julian, but Miles was the innocent one! I wasn’t supposed to be scared of him.
“It’s normal,” the words rushed from me as I pushed to my feet and wrapped the blanket more tightly around me. “ I’m normal!” I snapped, turning to the mouth of the cave. “Don’t overreact. I’m going outside for a minute. You can get dressed first.”
“Bianca—” he called after me, his tone more insistent, but I ignored him. “We can’t just leave it like this. Please, let’s sort this out.”
I just needed one minute to myself. Once I gained control of my pounding heart and spiraling thoughts, I’d go back.
I would be like everyone else, even if it killed me.
I stepped out of the cave, and the brisk autumn air washed over me. I looked at the sky. We’d slept in—it was halfway to noon, or as much as I could tell.
So much for meeting the others this morning.
“Bianca.” Miles stumbled out of the cave—fully dressed in his torn shirt and camo pants—more quickly than I expected. “Can I—”
“What time do you think it is?” I asked, pointing at the sun. Maybe he could read it more precisely.
“What?” he paused, blinking at me before he peered at the sky. “I don’t know,” he responded, shrugging as he turned his attention to me. “Probably after ten. But that’s not important right now. Bianca, we need to talk about—”
“I’m hungry,” I told him. What did we have to talk about? “What’s the plan until we catch up to the others? Do you know how to skin a deer?”
While we lacked most useful supplies, we did have that rusty old knife.
“Wait, what?” Miles blinked and raised his hands, stepping back. “No, I’m not going to kill a deer! This is still a pilgrimage!”
Like that meant anything to me. “So what?”
“Usually, when a witch goes on a spiritual journey, we survive on the barest of essentials,” Miles explained. “I’m not going to kill an animal; it defeats the purpose of taking only what you need and leaving no waste.”
“It wouldn’t be wasteful. We could use the hide.
” I did not like this explanation. Not one bit.
We were lost in the middle of the mountains with no coffee and no food.
I frowned at him. “Are you trying to tell me you haven’t eaten since you left?
” I didn’t believe it. Miles still radiated strength and didn’t look like a starving man.
“Then why did you have food in your bag?”
“It’s not like I can’t eat,” Miles replied, shrugging. “But it’s not prioritized. Besides, hunting is entirely different. And what’s that about the hide? Just how long are you planning for us to be out here?”
My gaze lingered on his arms, remembering the feel of them wrapped around me. My heart pounded.
Why was this affecting me now? It wasn’t like we’d never hugged before.
“It’s fine,” Miles continued, unaware of my inner turmoil. “We’ll just look for something to eat as we walk. We’ll get some food once we meet up with the others. You’re not going to die.”
“But we have a knife,” I reminded him, pointing at the blade strapped to his waist.
He furrowed his brow and touched the handle. “Yes.” He nodded slowly, cautiously. “But that’s for self-defense—for an emergency.”
“Give it to me,” I commanded. This was an emergency. “I’m going to kill a squirrel.”
“You can’t do that!” Miles stepped back, twisting as he hid the knife from my view. “You wouldn’t even know how!” But then he frowned, and his gaze turned wary. “Do you?”
I bit the inside of my cheek.
“Yes.”
“What…” he began.
“It’s not important,” I cut him off. “We only need to ensure we don’t starve before someone finds us.”
“Why don’t you leave that to me? I’d never let you starve.” Miles raised his eyebrow. “And there’s plenty of other things to eat in the woods.”
I was perfectly aware of that, but someone needed to think long-term. We might even have to winter in this God-forsaken land. We needed to prepare. Hopefully, we wouldn’t have to make any hard decisions.
I’d read Lord of the Flies . I knew how this might end.
“Besides, they’ll find us soon,” Miles said, shrugging. “So don’t worry. I’m not.”