Chapter 21
Frankie
H er conversation with Holden played over and over in her head as he drove them to Ice and Silver’s house out by the water.
Not allowed to punish herself? What exactly did that entail? Was it just talking bad about herself or did… other things come into play there? And if it was the latter, did that mean he’d punish her for bingeing or purging?
And why the hell was that thought so comforting when it should have pissed her off? Or at least worried her? Because if she knew anything from her first time in recovery, she would slip up. She would backslide at some point. Being punished for that probably went against whatever her therapist would recommend if she was actually seeing her, but she couldn’t deny there was a part of her that felt steadied by the thought.
She still didn't have any answers for herself by the time he pulled up in front of Ice and Silver’s house. The house itself was a bit older than Frankie preferred, a bit worn around the edges despite the size, but Silver had fallen in love with it when Ice had been renting it from the previous owner, so they’d decided to put an offer in.
From what Frankie had heard, it was a very generous offer. When Beckett had teased Ice about it, the latter had simply shrugged, smiled down at the woman beside him and said it was worth it.
At the time, Frankie had barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes at their open display of affection. Now, she couldn’t help but wonder if that was how Holden felt about her. She knew he loved her, but was it that deep, all-encompassing, move-heaven-and-Earth kind of love Ice and Silver shared?
Because the question made both her head and her heart ache, she shoved it firmly to the side as she made her way up the stairs with Holden close behind her. Unlike past get-togethers, everyone was in the living room, snuggled up together on the couch instead of the women on the back deck and the men in the kitchen like she was used to.
“Frankie’s here!” Raising a mostly empty glass of ruby-colored wine in the air, Lottie cheered their arrival. “Hi, Frankie!”
Pausing in the middle of the room, Frankie struck a pose, earning a round of laughter from her friends. “I see the party started without me. How rude.”
The moment the words left her lips, a glass was pressed into her hands by a smirking Silver. “Barely. Sit, drink, be merry.” Her gaze shifted, latching onto something—or rather, someone—behind Frankie. “Holden. Whiskey or wine?”
“Neither. One of us needs to be the responsible one,” he said with a low laugh.
“I can be responsible.” Why she was arguing when she already had a glass of wine in her hand, she wasn’t sure, but it seemed like an important point to make.
“Of course you can, little siren. But you don’t have to when Daddy’s right here.”
It didn’t escape her notice that all of the Doms in the room, including—or perhaps especially—Cordelia, raised their eyebrows when he called himself her Daddy.
Had he talked to them about her? Of course he had. Didn’t she talk about him with her friends? It wasn’t right to be pissed about it. What was good for the goose and all that.
Still, it made her stomach churn to wonder about what they’d said. What he’d said about their relationship to have everyone exchanging glances like that.
“I need some air,” she mumbled, turning on her heel and making a break for the back door.
Cold, brisk sea air slapped her in the face the second she stepped outside, settling her system almost immediately. Stepping up to the railing on the back deck, she closed her eyes, letting the calm of the ocean soothe her as she breathed in the salty air and listened to the waves crash against the shore.
“Frankie? You okay, babe?” Lottie’s voice, once again tinged with worry, tugged at her heart. Her friends shouldn’t have to worry about her just because she was having a bad day. Shouldn't have to stress that one bad mood could send her into a hole she’d have to spend months clawing herself out of. It wasn’t fair to them to shoulder the burden that was Francesca Legare.
“I’m fine. Just need a moment alone.”
She’d been hoping Lottie would get the hint, but apparently not. Joining Frankie at the railing, Lottie let her head fall to Frankie’s shoulder, and for a while they simply stood there, staring out at the black, endless sea in front of them.
“They hate me,” Frankie said after a lengthy silence.
“Nobody hates you.” Conviction rang out, strong and true in Lottie’s voice. “They’re just… worried.”
“Yeah.” Frankie let out a snort of derision. “Worried I’m going to break Holden’s heart again.”
“That doesn't mean they hate you.”
“Just that I’m not good enough for him?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.”
“Frankie.” Shifting, Lottie placed her hands on Frankie’s shoulders, gently but firmly turning her away from the ocean. Even in the dark, Frankie could see the love shining in her best friend’s eyes. “All of that stuff in your head? That’s all just bullshit you’ve been telling yourself to keep Holden at a distance. Not a single word of that has anything to do with how the people in there feel about you or your relationship with Holden.”
“You didn’t see the way they looked at each other when he called himself my Daddy.”
“What do you mean?”
Jerking out of Lottie’s hold, Frankie paced down to the end of the deck and back again, nervous energy pumping through her veins. “They all raised their eyebrows and they just, I don’t know, they looked at each other.”
Lottie frowned. “You’re right. I didn’t see that. But it doesn't necessarily mean anything. And I can promise you it doesn’t mean what you think it means. Nobody hates you and nobody thinks you’re not good enough for Holden.”
“They should. Because they’d be right. I’m not good enough for him. He deserves someone he doesn’t need to worry about all the time. Someone who isn’t constantly one bad day away from a nervous breakdown. Someone who can love him the way he deserves to be loved.”
Narrowing her eyes, Lottie seemed to think that over for a minute before grabbing Frankie's hand and dragging her back toward the door.
Before Frankie could ask what she was doing, Lottie had the door open and she stuck her head through the opening. “Daddy?”
Glancing over from his spot on the couch, Braden smiled, his entire face lighting up at the sight of her. “Yes, Lottie-bug?”
“Approximately how many hours a day would you say you spend worrying about me?”
“Well, I’d say twenty-four, but I do occasionally sleep,” Braden replied with a laugh. “So whatever twenty-four minus my sleeping hours equals. Why?”
“Just proving a point. Thank you!” Closing the door again, Lottie turned, her expression smug. “See? Every Daddy worries. It’s like, part of the job description or something.”
“That doesn’t mean anything. Holden?—”
“Holden loves you,” Lottie interrupted quietly. “Why are you trying to make it more complicated than that?”
“Because it is more complicated than that!” Frustrated, with Lottie, herself, everyone, Frankie threw her hands in the air and paced down the deck before turning and heading back to Lottie. “What happens when he realizes in a year, five years, ten years that I’m so much more work than he thought I would be? Why the hell do you think I dumped him the first time around?”
“Ah… guess we came out at just the right time.” Ivy’s eyes were wide as she stepped through the open door, followed closely by Silver and Ruby.
“Gang’s all here. Fucking great.”
“We made Cordelia stay inside.” Closing the door behind them, Ivy offered up a lopsided smile. “Since she can’t control her face.”
It was overly protective, but Frankie couldn’t help but love them for it. “Thanks. I’m fine though, really. I’m sorry I made a scene.”
Tossing her head back, Silver let out a rich, throaty laugh. “Darling, I’ve witnessed you making a scene. That was nothing. But the fact that you think that pitiful display was anything close to a scene tells me you’re not feeling much like yourself. So sit and tell us all about it.”
She didn’t sit, choosing instead to continue pacing the length of the deck as the rest of them settled into the comfortable Adirondack chairs. “I don’t even know what you guys want me to say.”
“You could start where we came in.” This from Ruby, who cocked a brow as she sipped a glass wine that matched her name. “Especially since Silver and I weren't around for the first go-round between you and Holden. Why did you dump him, exactly?”
“Oh, yes, that’s a great place to start.” Despite the obvious solemnity of the occasion, Lottie’s eyes sparkled with anticipation. “Even I don’t know the whole story.”
“I dumped him because he deserves better.” Pausing to lean back against the railing, Frankie shrugged, a single jerky motion that did little to dispel the restless itch beneath her skin. “He deserves a submissive who knows how to be a submissive.”
The three women in front of her all shared a look before Ivy spoke up again. “Don’t you think he should get the final word in what he deserves? And what he wants?”
“No, because he’s blinded by what he thinks is love. You’ve known him longer than anyone, Ivy. Have you ever known him to tolerate brats?”
“Well, no, but?—”
“Exactly,” Frankie snapped out, resuming her pacing. “He can’t stand brats, and somehow he’s fallen head over heels in love with me, arguably one of the biggest brats out there? Make it make sense.”
“Love doesn’t have to make sense,” Ruby said, her voice soft, almost patronizingly so. “On paper, Beckett and I don’t make any sense. Neither do Braden and Lottie, if we’re being honest. No offense, L.”
“None taken. If you’d told me two years ago I’d be sleeping with my father’s best friend, I would have laughed in your face.”
Frankie groaned. “Ugh, you guys aren’t listening .”
“Then tell it to us straight instead of beating around the bush.” Silver’s gaze was fierce when it clashed with Frankie’s. “You’re giving us all the reasons you don’t think you deserve Holden, but you haven't told us why . So, tell us. Help us understand.”
It was a fair ask. But even all these months later, it was still humiliating to think about, never mind actually talk about what had happened between her and Holden.
“All right. I’ll tell you.”
Everyone seemed to sit up a bit straighter as she dragged in a deep breath and prepared to tell them about the night she’d been the worst possible version of herself. “It was a few weeks after we’d been seeing each other. A couple nights after he’d punished me, like really punished me for the first time. Lottie remembers.”
Lifting a hand, Lottie fanned it in front of her face. “Hell yeah, I do. It was before I put myself in the auction, and I was terrified but really fucking turned on at the same time.”
“Yeah, well, so was I. Which was part of the problem. My punishment included not being allowed to come that night. But then something happened at Holden’s work and one night dragged into days. By day three, I was pretty sure I was dying so I decided to distract myself with drinking.”
“That’s what I would’ve done,” Ruby said, lifting her half-empty glass with a grin.
“Yeah, well, I got drunk. Like really drunk. And somehow I ended up at Holden’s office, trying to seduce him. He turned me down, as he should have, considering how wasted I was. But at the time, it just felt like another rejection.”
“Another?” Brows rising, Ivy looked at her with something akin to wonder. “I can’t imagine anyone rejecting you.”
“Men? Not often. My parents, on the other hand… pretty regularly.” As evidenced by her father’s most recent behavior.
Ivy’s eyes swam with sympathy. “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.”
“It is what it is,” Frankie said with another jerk of her shoulder.
Silver tilted her head to the side. “So what happened? You guys got in a fight because he wouldn’t fuck you?”
“More like I just got really pissy about it. Stormed off, told him I never wanted to see him again. It was all pathetically dramatic. Of course, the next morning I woke up and remembered what a bitch I’d been, which was when I realized he deserved so much better than me. Like, who gets mad at a man for refusing to fuck you when you’re obviously too drunk to consent? It was awful and self-absorbed of me, and I refused to subject him to that any further. So I ended things for good. Well, as much as I could considering he wouldn’t leave me alone even after I made it abundantly clear I wasn't interested anymore.”
“Frankie.” Eyes suspiciously wet, Lottie rose from her chair and crossed the deck to wrap her arms around Frankie’s shoulders. “You’ve been punishing yourself all this time. Poor thing.”
“That’s not what I’ve been doing. I just wanted him to move on and find a woman who deserved him.”
“Bullshit.” In direct contrast to Lottie’s tears, Silver’s eyes were blazing when she joined them by the railing. “If you’d really felt that way, you wouldn’t have had the hospital call him when you got sick. You wouldn’t have agreed to move into his house so he could take care of you. You may think you’re that selfish and self-serving, but I guarantee not a goddamn person here agrees with that assessment.”
“You barely know me,” Frankie tossed back, her own temper sparking in response to Silver’s fury. “Maybe I am just that bitch.”
“I know you.” It was Lottie’s quiet voice, thick with tears that effectively doused the fire of Frankie’s anger as she turned to her best friend. “I’ve watched you fight yourself back from the brink of death. I’ve watched you come to my aid, time and time again. You were there for me when my mom got sick, and after…” Rolling her lips together, Lottie breathed in deeply through her nose, clearly attempting to keep the tears at bay. “You made sure Dad and I ate and took care of ourselves. You and Braden. Even though you were at school, and you couldn’t be there every day, you sent food. You called every fucking day to check on me, to listen to me cry on the phone. You, Francesca Legare, are the farthest fucking thing from selfish. Maybe you think Holden deserves better, but I don’t see how he’s going to find anyone better than you.”
The cracks in her heart, ones she’d thought long-healed, split open again. “He deserves someone who isn’t so fucking broken. Someone he doesn’t have to watch and take care of every second of every day. He deserves so much more than I have to give him.”
“Honey, we’re all fucking broken in our own ways.” Joining them at the railing, Ruby smiled, but it wobbled a bit. “And yeah, we can’t rely on a man to fix us, because fuck that. We’re not damsels in distress waiting for some shining knight to come along and slay our dragons. But if we’re really fucking lucky, someone comes along anyway and fights our dragons right alongside us. And I’d say you’re really fucking lucky.”
And with the that, those cracks in her heart turned to canyons, shattering her as she turned into Lottie’s embrace and wept.