Chapter 27Asher #2
Theo’s voice pulled me back to myself. I wasn’t watching myself anymore. My eyes were mine once more, and I saw Theo’s terrified face surrounded by blue sky and clouds.
“What happened?” I asked. “I’m sorry. I don’t… I think I fell in.”
“Fell in? No, you didn’t, you walked right into the water. What was that? What was happening? Talk to me!”
My throat closed, and my insides felt like they were collapsing. Breathing was hard, and my eyes burned, but not from the water. “I don’t hurt people,” I screamed. “They hurt me! They all hurt me. Why won’t they stop? Why can’t they leave me alone?”
Theo pulled me into his chest and let me cry. I felt like I hadn’t stopped crying since we got together, and I was really fucking tired of it. I couldn’t imagine how he felt. “I’m not crying,” I stupidly said through tears. “I’m just mad.”
“It’s okay baby. Let it out.”
Soon, all of the guys approached and wrapped their arms around me—their arms woven like some kind of gay hockey wreath. I was furious and devastated, but the image of a big, spectacular gay hockey wreath entered my mind, and I started laughing—hysterically laughing.
I’m losing my fucking mind.
“Let’s get him to the cabin and make some food, or something,” Cody suggested.
The sobs continued through the high-pitched laughter, and the poor fellows looked at me like I’d snapped.
Say something. You’re scaring them.
I was scaring myself, to be honest, but I wasn’t losing it.
Something else was happening that I couldn’t name yet.
“I’m sorry, guys. You’re all the best, and I love you so much.
I don’t know what I’d do without you. I think I’m just so crushed by the gossip yet so grateful that I have you all, that my system went haywire. I’m sorry.”
That seemed to do the trick. Their looks of perturbation soon eased into relief as they helped me to the cabin. Theo held me so tight, it was almost hard to breathe. “I love you, Asher. You’re not alone. Don’t forget that.”
I’d heard him say it before, but, as I looked at the guys around me, I think that was the moment when I really believed deep in my bones that I wasn’t alone anymore.
* * *
A soft, orange glow from the retro lighting fixtures highlighted everyone as we sat around the living room.
After my freak out, which I was still humiliated about, we had lunch and talked.
At one point, Rafael and Theo played frisbee while Cody, Quincy, and I sat around the kitchen table playing Monopoly. It was honestly wonderful.
And, now, we’re basically having the gay boy equivalent of a slumber party.
Cody and Rafael lay sprawled out on their massive air mattress while Quincy, Theo, and I sat on the couch. It had gotten late, so Cody invited Quincy to stay over.
We were talking about the fact that Cody, Quincy, and I all had a connection through Ross. Since there were no more secrets among the group, Cody took it upon himself to regale us about an incident involving Ross and Rafael.
“Don’t tell them this,” Rafael begged.
“Oh, come on! It’s funny now,” Cody argued.
Quincy was practically bouncing on the sofa. “Please! I need to hear this. I can’t believe you know, Ross!”
Cody gave Rafael a pleading look, batting his lashes and giving pouty lips. Rafael groaned and said, “Fine.”
The joy on Cody’s face was priceless. “Okay! So, this was when Rafael was still a dick.”
“Was?” Theo remarked.
Rafael gave Theo the finger. “Fuck off! I’ve matured quite a lot since then.”
“ Anyway , Rafael and I were messing around by this point. He’d been sweet as pie at the party, then started making out with a girl.”
Quincy and I gasped simultaneously, and Theo added, “Ohhh, big no no, Raf.”
“I was trying not to kiss Cody, okay! He was shaking that big, delicious ass of his all over Rowan’s living room, and I was about to take a bite out of it. The whole hockey team was there, I couldn’t let that happen.”
Cody continued, “So, needless to say, I was mad as hell. I stomped into the kitchen, and that’s when I met Ross.”
I pointed to Rafael and added, “You hated Ross for months after that! Remember when I said I was seeing him right after the Fall Classic?”
Rafael shrugged and said, “I’m possessive. Look, I’ve fixed my alcoholism, I talk to a therapist, and I’m honest about my emotions now. I have to have at least one flaw.”
“Damn, I’m pretty sure you got one already, you ego maniac.”
“Theo, I swear, I’m gonna beat your ass!”
Cody held up his hands and hollered, “Enough! I’m telling a story! Anyway, Ross was rizzing me hard. ”
“He’s good at that,” I added.
“Mmmhmmm,” Quincy agreed.
Theo shot a look at me and Quincy and said, “Fuck, now I’m starting to hate this dude, too.”
“And I’m still mad as hell at Rafael,” Cody continued, “so I decided to leave with Ross when he invited me to take a drive in his car.”
Everyone except for Rafael released a collective “uh oh” in response.
“So, I’m in Ross’s car, fully expecting him to take my virginity, when I see Rafael pull up to Ross’s window on a little girl’s bicycle, screaming for him to pull over.”
“Wait, wait, wait, back up. Rafael, where the hell did you get the bike?” Theo asked.
Rafael had a guilty look on his face when we said, “It was sitting in someone’s front lawn…”
“You stole a little girl’s bike?” Theo was fully out of his seat at this point.
“Don’t give me that! You heard Cody, Ross was gonna take his virginity. I went nuclear, alright?”
“He chased after you?” Quincy asked.
Cody nodded, then wrapped his arm around Rafael. “Isn’t it the hottest fucking thing?”
“So then what happened?” I asked.
Cody started cackling and tried to speak through his laughter. “Ross pulled over, and Rafael threatened to murder him, basically.”
“ Then ,” Rafael added in a very pointed tone, “I told you I have feelings for you.” He turned to the rest of the group and added, “See? I’m not a complete asshole.”
“Then we went home, and Rafael took my virginity.”
“That is the greatest story I’ve ever heard,” Quincy yelled while bouncing up and down on the sofa.
“It’s like a movie or something,” I chimed in. “It’s seriously unhinged yet completely romantic at the same time.”
Cody nodded and said, “Unhinged and romantic. That’s Rafael in a nutshell.”
The whole room keeled over laughing when Cody said that, and Rafael, even with his olive skin, turned the color of a tomato.
Everyone went on chatting and laughing. A conversation among Cody, Rafael, and Quincy started, and Theo leaned over and asked, “How are you doing, baby?”
“I’m better. I’m really sorry about today. That had to have freaked you the hell out. I didn’t mean to do that. It was very dramatic of me.” I truly was embarrassed. There were a million and one things I could have done that weren’t throwing myself into the lake .
Jesus, I’m a mess.
“I get it, baby. You don’t have to apologize. This is all insane, and I was having my own little internal freak-out when Cody told us that. It’s all just… a lot.”
“Yeah. It’s a lot.” I agreed.
Theo hugged me tighter and kissed my head. “Look, we’ll just lay low. This is hot gossip for now, but it’ll die down. Once we get back on the ice, this will all be behind us. We can avoid this online bullshit by just ignoring it. We’ll keep our heads down and move on from this.”
Keep my head down.
Don’t show anything.
Don’t let the world see me.
Just make myself invisible.
Fuck. That.
As I looked at my amazing boyfriend’s kind eyes, I realized I didn’t want to hide anymore. I was done pretending.
“I have an idea, actually, but only if you’re okay with it,” I said to Theo.
“What is it?”
It was time to be me, and it was time to set the record straight.
I didn’t want to let these rumors destroy my reputation any more than they already had.
Sure, we made a mistake, but we never propositioned or touched anyone.
I never made anyone feel uncomfortable. In fact, I’d done everything in my power to hide myself so I didn’t ruffle any feathers.
Looking around the room and seeing these wonderful guys made me realize that I’d rather live my life authentically than be a hockey star.
It was time to take control of my narrative, and that would start by setting the record straight.