Chapter 20
ARI
I scrub my hands down my face as the shower washes away the remnants of my day down the drain. Pushing my fingertips through my soaked locks, I give my scalp an extra massage to ease the lingering tension.
I’m convinced my life is one big test. Working for Hart Law being the most difficult one yet. I’m being pushed to the outer limits in ways I never expected, as if the world is playing a game of Push Me Pull You.
I can’t take any more and I have the worst case of emotional whiplash.
Confusion? Tick.
Intense, unstable thoughts about Nathan? Tick.
Like him one minute? Tick.
Annoyed with him the next? Tick.
Feelings of grief for what and who I lost? Tick.
That never subsides.
Euphoric one minute for managing to get a job at the firm that failed my family? Tick.
Anxious the next minute for managing to get a job at the firm that failed my family to unearth the facts? Tick.
I must have had a lapse in serious judgment when I blurted out that I was going to the ball with Nathan earlier today.
No, it wasn’t, it was jealousy. Stop lying to yourself.
But it was more than that.
Like the flick of a switch, something changed today for me in that boardroom.
Watching Nathan, listening to him deliver his cleverly crafted questions for Vivienne, it was like watching an artist paint his finest work. He knows what he’s doing; he’s analytical and creative in searching for the truth.
Something the entire team at Hart Law maintains. It’s weaved into every discussion, every case, proving everything I ever thought I knew about them wrong.
Since I started my new role, little by little each day, I’ve seen with my own eyes how ethical the business is.
Earlier, before Vivienne arrived, Nathan asked me to organize an internal audit, something they do sporadically throughout the year without warning, to check compliance. In over twenty years, they’ve never failed.
Which means Nathan’s father is good.
Or good at hiding lies.
Either way, it’s sort of taken me by surprise, because it’s not what I was expecting.
The business is diligent.
And Nathan is not just good, but great. Honest.
He defends good people and weeds out the bad, like he did with Vivienne today.
Knowing she was lying, Nathan didn’t accept her as a client. He’s not after fame, glory or money like I thought he was. He takes on clients who are the best fit because he has a moral compass and prides himself on the strong ethics of the business.
Something he said his father engrained into him.
All signs lead to good, not wicked.
It’s a paradox and I’m so tired of feeling conflicted. Maybe it’s me who needs to switch up my perspective.
Maybe I’m the one who is wrong.
Maybe there is nothing to find. Either that or I’m looking in the wrong place.
Who knows?
I turn up the heat of the water and let the shower soothe and relax my muscles, cleansing my body and mind from any more doubt-filled thoughts.
For now, I’ll buy the dress and the shoes.
And while I’m at it, I’ll buy a purse that matches.
I’ll hit his credit card hard and attend the ball with Nathan.
As his secretary.
Which almost feels impossible when he does something to me too. His words from the other night bounce around my brain like popcorn kernels in a microwave on the highest setting.
Could we be more?
I think I want that.
Like my mom always used to say, “It’s okay to want what you want.”
I want him.
The guilt loops endlessly in my mind, like a rollercoaster I can’t get off. This journey that led me to Nathan has been beautifully disastrous and unpredictable.
Laying my palms flat against the tiles, I let the water run over my skin and release a large breath of acceptance that I want to be more than just his secretary.
I step into the decision and let it settle in my bones. It’s time to shake the hand of unpredictability.
Hello, courage. I think the roads are about to get even more bumpy.