10. Lincoln
10
LINCOLN
Water ran down my chest in rivulets as I climbed from the pool and reached for my towel. My muscles burned. The good kind of burn. The one that let you know you worked hard. Swimming was the best way to keep in shape. An avid runner before my injury, running had become too hard on my leg afterward. Besides being physically great, it also did wonders for my mental health.
Well, most of the time. Ever since the first time Devon asked me on a date, he was all I’d thought about while swimming. And promising him I’d think about dinner the other night? There was no way to get Devon off my mind now. Which wouldn’t be a good thing when I stepped into Dr. Dawkins’s office in an hour.
He’d see straight through me, then convince me to go on the date. Maybe a part of me wanted him to. Someone to promise me that I could do this without hurting anyone. Who knew? But as I walked toward the locker room for a shower, I realized it didn’t matter either way. Devon’s draw had continued to pull me in his direction from the first moment he asked me out.
This time when I walked into Dr. Dawkins’s office, I made sure to take a seat on the couch, where I usually waited. No need to give myself away the moment he came in the door. We could work up to my issues with Devon soon enough.
The side door opened a few minutes later and Dr. Dawkins stepped through. His eyes were trained on me as he moved across the space to the seat in front of me. Not a single word left his mouth. He leaned against the back of the couch and crossed his one leg over his knee. I waited for him to ask something, usually something mundane about work or family. This time he sat there and watched.
Silence stretched on and my foot began bouncing up and down. What was he waiting for?
The longer he watched me, the more I found myself fidgeting in the seat, until finally the silence became too much and I broke.
“Devon asked me out on a date again.”
A wide smile broke out on his face. And I knew I’d just fallen into the same trap he’d gotten me with so many times before. Dr. Dawkins knew exactly how to get me to confess whatever I might try to keep from him. While it frustrated me in the moment, it was one of the main reasons I refused to move anywhere else and walk away from him.
He rested his arm along the back of the couch. “I take it Devon was the one who asked you out the first time.”
I sighed. “It was.”
“And what did you say the second time?”
“That I couldn’t.” He lifted a brow and I rushed to continue, “But things are a little more complicated than that.”
“You told him no, and it’s more complicated than that? Want to explain?”
I sighed. “Even if I didn’t, you’d find a way to get it out of me.”
“I would.” He chuckled. “So, why don’t you make it easy on yourself?”
I glanced toward the TV on the wall, then back at him. “How do you always know when I’m not telling you everything?”
“Can’t give away all my secrets, but now you’re deflecting. What makes things complicated?”
I sat back farther onto the couch, getting comfortable, knowing this was going to be a long conversation. “I work with his mom, which I thought would be a problem, until she invited me to dinner, which I thought was for our coworkers, but it was to set me up with her son.”
“Well, looks like she’s taken that excuse away from you.”
“Thanks, Doc.” I ran my hand through my hair. “His mom might be okay with it, but I can’t date an athlete.”
“An athlete? You didn’t mention that.”
He was right. I’d only told him about Devon asking me out, not anything else. It didn’t seem important at the time. I’d had no plans on agreeing to a date with Devon, or anyone else for that matter.
“Did it matter? I never planned on saying yes.”
“Do you still plan on never saying yes?”
Did I?
It was the same question I’d asked myself over and over again. Not that first time, but since the night of dinner at Nat’s house. And that was being completely honest with myself for the first time since then. There was something about Devon I couldn’t shake from my mind. His quiet and reserved nature had me admitting things that I’d never told anyone who hadn’t needed to know.
I looked up at Dr. Dawkins. “I told him I had PTSD.”
His mouth opened and closed. “Honestly, that wasn’t what I expected you to say. But I have to say I’m impressed. You’ve held that part of yourself so close to your chest, there must be something special about him.”
“It was after he asked me out for the second time. He wanted me to come watch him play.”
“You said Devon when you arrived, should I assume we’re talking about Devon D’Agostino?”
“Yes.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “But you know I can’t go to a hockey game.”
He didn’t respond immediately, and I opened my eyes to see exactly what caused the silence. He crossed his hands and rested them on his lap. “Actually, we don’t know what you can and can’t do. You’ve kept yourself out of any of those types of situations since you came here.”
“It’s the one thing my VA therapist drilled in my head when I started therapy. No loud sounds or flashing lights.”
Dr. Dawkins groaned. “Typical,” he said, his focus on the ceiling before he brought it back to me. “Look, the VA does the best they can to deal with all of the intricacies of PTSD, but they’re overworked and underpaid. PTSD isn’t the same for everyone. Can loud noises and flashing lights be a trigger? Of course they can. It doesn’t mean it will be a trigger for everyone.”
“So, you’re telling me I can go to the games without a problem?”
“I’m not saying that either. I’m saying it’s not an automatic trigger. You won’t know unless you go, but you don’t want to walk in and hope for the best. Attempting those things in a controlled environment is where you want to start.”
“I don’t know how to do that.”
“Because you’ve never tried. And this is what I was saying to you last week. These are things you could decide to avoid the rest of your life and you probably won’t need me for much longer. Or you could push yourself into a life you can truly live and understand that little setbacks are normal. I’ll be here to walk you through them until they don’t happen anymore. Not that I even think that’s the most important question.”
My heart raced as I faced a reality of my own making and the fear of what seemed like an impossible choice. “What’s the most important question?”
Dr. Dawkins uncrossed his legs and leaned forward, resting his arms on his legs. “If you didn’t have PTSD, would you have said no to Devon?”
There was no need to think about my answer, it was that simple. “No.”
“Then you have your answer. Only, you have to be brave enough to face what that brings.”
I thought over Dr. Dawkins’s words. Two years of locking myself away had been long enough. I’d only deprived myself of the chance to find something real with someone else. “I can’t keep hiding.”
“No, you can’t. Either you want Devon and you’re willing to do the work, or you don’t.”
“What do you think I should do?”
He shook his head. “This time, I can’t give you an answer. I’ll be here for whatever you decide, but you’re the one who will have to face the fears you’ve avoided for so long.”
I knew he was right. That everything he said was the truth. Yet, memories still held me back.
“Tell me about Devon.”
The request caught me off guard. Once I regrouped, the answer was easy. “He’s shy. Not exactly what I expected from a professional athlete whose face and name are always in the press. But that night at his parents’ house, it took him so long to open up, I almost thought he never would. Once he did, I found myself completely drawn to everything he said.”
Dr. Dawkins nodded. “Lincoln, I’m going to give you a little advice before we run out of time. For once, stop thinking with your head so much and listen a little more to your heart.”
“I’ve done that before, and look where it got me.”
“You know as well as I do that listening to your heart is not what got you here.”
Not long after that, I left Dr. Dawkins with only one thing on my mind. It was time to give Devon an answer.
I tugged my phone from my pocket and did exactly what Dr. Dawkins suggested, I listened to my heart. I opened my messages with Devon.
Me: Can I still say yes to dinner?
I didn’t think he’d answer right away and started for the parking lot. Inside my truck, I put the key in the ignition and my phone buzzed. I almost dropped it in my race to get it open and see Devon’s answer. My hands shook as I opened the message.
Devon: I will always take a yes from you. But we have a long stretch of games coming up where I won’t be home. Can we get together when I’m back in town for a while?
Me: Of course. You let me know when and I’ll be there.
Devon: Will do.
My nerves ramped up all throughout work to the point I couldn’t remember which patients had come in. I’d spent the entire shift on autopilot. Every time questions about Devon rattled through my mind, I pushed them to the side.
As I walked into my apartment, I didn’t have the same luck. I dropped the extra-large bag of Reese’s Pieces on the kitchen counter. Did I make a mistake agreeing to dinner? Could it really be that bad? It was just dinner. Deep down I knew that wasn’t the real problem. Dinner was nothing, we’d already done that with his mom and dad. It was what came after dinner and after that first date that scared the living shit out of me.
I wasn’t sure I could let someone that deep into my life. While my family knew about my injuries and how I’d gotten them, they didn’t know the entire story of that day or what led up to it. Only one other person did and that was Dr. Dawkins. If I let Devon in, I knew at some point I’d have to tell him everything. Things I didn’t know if he was ready to hear or if I was ready to say.
The light in the bathroom came on, highlighting my reflection in the mirror. I stripped off my top and dropped it into the hamper. The rest of the tattoo on my left arm came into view, some of it hiding the scars. As I twisted slightly to turn on the water, I caught sight of the scars on my back. Jagged lines that ran up and down most of my left side and to the center of my back. Scars I kept hidden from the men in my bed.
One reason I preferred hookups in a club or their place. Even though I was a switch, since my injury, I always topped from behind, never letting them see my back. I honestly didn’t know how most people would react, and no one wanted to deal with that when all they wanted was to come. I hadn’t had a man inside me in years, even though I missed the burn and the trust I had with the person to let them take me, it hadn’t been worth it with the men I’d been willing to bring home.
The question was whether or not Devon could handle it.
I guess I’d have to wait and see.