15. Devon
15
DEVON
Nine nights sleeping in places other than my home for this stretch on the road. I craved my bed, my private, personal space.
We lost our first game on this stretch away, won our second. Now we were traveling again, this time to Ohio. The flight wasn’t going to be long. We departed New Hampshire a bit ago. I was sitting in my seat, watching a whole lot of nothing from my window since the clouds currently obscured any view I could have. I didn’t feel like pulling out my tablet and watching a movie or listening to music.
I felt King drop into the seat next to me before he spoke. I held my breath; knew I was in for something. I didn’t play my best during the last game and I was pissed at myself for it. I didn’t give him time to try to drag me out afterward. We won, but only because he and Hayes were able to get the puck in the net. I doubted he was here to gloat though.
King nudged my shoulder with his. He kept his voice low. “You know I’m here if you want to talk. I’m not just a pretty face.” When I looked over, he was wearing a huge grin. I felt a small smile tickle the corners of my lips. King had the type of personality that was hard to resist.
My slight smile fell, and I sighed. “I think I fucked up.”
“With your guy?”
“Lincoln.”
“Wow, I get to know his name?” Then it was like a light bulb went off. His eyes widened. “Isn’t there a guy who works at the urgent care with your mom whose name is Lincoln?”
“Yup.”
“Holy shit.” He said it louder than intended but not quite at a yell. Noah turned around to see what was going on. King shooed him with his hand. “Mind your business.” That earned an eye roll from Noah before he faced front again.
“You need to keep your voice down,” I whispered. The last thing I needed was half the team knowing I was seeing someone and who that someone was.
“Sorry. Won’t happen again. So, you and the hot nurse, huh? Nice.”
“Before I tell you anything, you can’t go there and introduce yourself to get a feel for him. Not without me. I want to be able to introduce you when the time’s right. If the time’s right.”
“You have my word.”
It’d been a week since my last date with Lincoln. I had a lot of fun with him, and he seemed to be having a good time too. Then in his truck everything changed. I wasn’t sure what happened. If I had done something wrong. But the more I thought about it, I realized I didn’t do anything unless he didn’t like my singing.
Since then, we’d texted back and forth but it had been forced. I’d tried to draw him out, get any answer from him as to what happened, but all I got were short replies.
Without an address for him, it wasn’t like I could show up at his door to make sure he was okay. Even then, after only two dates, did I have a right to do that?
I wished I could have called my mom and asked how he was, but I’d never go behind his back like that. Furthermore, that would clue my mom in that something was going on between the two of us, and hell no to all of that. Unless I was serious about a guy, my parents needed to stay out of it. Yes, Lincoln already knew my parents, but the last thing I needed was my mom bothering him about me at work.
Whatever this thing was between Lincoln and me, I needed to handle it myself. Fuck if I knew what to do now though.
“We went on a second date,” I began telling King. Then I went through our date. All the fun we had to the ride home when he dropped me off.
“I mean, you don’t exactly have the voice of an angel, D.” Just like King to try and lift my spirits.
“Shut up, asshole.”
His voice changed and this time had a serious tone. “Listen, I don’t pretend to know how to navigate relationships. My life is lived one hookup at a time.”
“Yeah, I heard the bed banging against my wall last night.” I hated when they put me next to King. He didn’t go out and fuck every night we were away, but he didn’t become celibate either.
He got this wistful look in his eyes. “Jasmina. Fuck, she was stunning. At first, I thought she was the girl next door type, then she turned wicked as sin back in my room.”
“She wasn’t quiet when she was begging you to fuck her harder.”
Jansen chuckled in the seat in front of King.
King kicked the back of it. “Shut it, Kenna. You’re just jealous I was getting some while all you had was your hand to keep you company.”
Jansen leaned out in the aisle to turn toward King. “Who said I was alone? Serilda’s in Prague but that doesn’t mean we can’t have our time together. I might have been fucking my hand, but the view on my screen was worth a million bucks.” He winked and turned back around.
With another kick to the back of the seat for good measure, King faced me again. “Anyway, I don’t think you did anything wrong, D. Maybe this guy just needed some space. It’s not always easy dating a hockey player, especially during the regular season. And you’re not just some mediocre center. You’re our shining star.” He ruffled my hair before I could shove him away.
“I wasn’t much of anything last game.”
“We can’t be the best all the time. Shit happens and you have a lot going on.”
“That doesn’t excuse it. We still have more games to play before we return home. I need to do better.”
“Give me your phone.” He held his hand out, palm up.
“Why?”
“I’m not going to call him or anything. I want to see what your texts have been like. Maybe we can gather something from that.”
“Good luck.”
I unlocked my phone and handed it over to King. If he could figure anything out from the string of messages, more power to him. The only thing he’d observe was me coming off needy and desperate.
Glancing down, I watched as King scrolled back, then I read along silently with him starting from the night Lincoln drove away, leaving me confused.
Me: Hey, is everything okay?
Lincoln: Fine.
Next day…
Me: Want to grab breakfast?
It had been early, and I was hoping to catch him before his shift, if he had to work. I wasn’t sure.
Lincoln: Already ate.
Me: Have a good day.
Lincoln: You too.
Day after that…
Me: *sent a picture of my rink at night lit up* It would be better if you were here with me.
Lincoln: Not tonight.
Me: Want to meet up when I get back? I’m about to leave for a stretch.
Lincoln: Not sure.
It wasn’t a no, but I felt like we were back at the beginning.
Two days later, nothing else from him.
Me: I don’t want to keep bothering you. I just want to know that you’re okay and to let you know I’m here if you need someone to talk to.
Lincoln: I’m good.
Last night, completely desperate and needing to hear from him…
Me: Was thinking of you tonight.
Lincoln: Good game.
He must have watched. And he didn’t reply to what I said.
Me: Thanks. I hope you’re okay.
I didn’t want to say I sucked and didn’t deserve the praise. That I wasn’t anywhere close to my best. That I couldn’t get my mind off him, and it was affecting me. I didn’t need to put that on him. It was solely on my shoulders that I couldn’t get my head where it needed to be.
He didn’t respond after that.
“Damn,” King whispered while rubbing his jaw, still staring down at my phone.
My stomach sank. I knew what he saw when he looked at the messages. Me grasping at something that didn’t seem to be there any longer. I knew it was at one point. I felt it. This powerful connection between the two of us. Yet, it all disappeared. What I was left with were memories and a string of pathetic text messages.
Taking my phone back from King, I locked the screen and shoved it in my pocket like I could hide it there and not face the reality of what was happening.
I knew what King was going to say before he said it, yet it still felt like a punch to the chest.
“You’re not one to make things up, D. So, if you say there was something between you two, I believe you. But that… What he said… I get the feeling he’s trying to back away.”
Laying my head back against the seat, I closed my eyes and tried to slow my racing, aching heart. King was right. I didn’t want to face it, but hearing him say it, there was no denying what was going on. Lincoln didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to see me. And since that last date, I’d been the one to initiate contact. He didn’t once. I had to stop texting him. If only I could get him out of my mind that easily.
There was something he wasn’t telling me; however, unless he was willing to talk to me, it wasn’t my business. Damn, I wanted it to be though. I wanted to be there for him. Be a person he could lean on when he needed to.
I felt King’s fingers wrap around mine. I didn’t bother opening my eyes. He didn’t need to say anything to let me know he was here for me.
Minutes ticked by and I started becoming angry with myself. I was acting ridiculous. Two dates didn’t mean we were in a relationship and yet I was behaving like the love of my life was pushing me away. I needed to snap out of this.
Maybe I was better off being alone for a while. It had worked for me so far. I had games to focus on, playoffs to help us get to. Hopefully, a Cup to win.
Even as those thoughts bounced around my head, my heart reminded me I was human. Someone with emotions who couldn’t easily brush something away when I felt it all over like I did when Lincoln and I kissed. When he held my hand in his truck. When we just spent time together. It felt right.
The rest of the flight was uneventful and went by fast. Hayes eventually came looking for King. I saw concern in his eyes when he looked at me, although whatever he wanted to say he kept to himself. The guys around me joked and had fun. Ribbed King about his activities last night. Jansen tried to mimic the woman King was in bed with, calling out his name. Everyone around us was laughing, even me.
I got lucky when I came to the Jetties. I always worried wherever I went, they wouldn’t be okay with someone who wasn’t straight. But the Jetties were different. They were open and inviting. Never once did anyone say shit about my sexuality. It was a space I was comfortable in. Allowed me to focus on what was important.
But there had been something missing in my life. Something I didn’t realize wasn’t there except for the last year. I was content not having anyone to go home to. Then I’d see Noah and his wife together at events. They’d only been married for two years. Fuck, did they love each other. It was evident to everyone around them.
Then there was Coach Bronse and his wife. They started dating in high school. Had raised their three kids. Coach said they’d been together for what felt like forever, but there was no denying they were both happy and in love.
I couldn’t forget Kasper and Marcus. They were hot together, but they were also completely head over heels. There was no denying it. Those two were meant to find their way to each other.
Even outside of the team, I had the best example for what I wanted in my life. I wanted what my parents had. Deep love. Unconditional. No matter what the world threw at them, they handled it together. Sure, they fought, but they always made up. And they still flirted, joked, and laughed.
I wanted what they all had. I wanted to find my person. And the way Lincoln kissed me, like I’d never felt before, I started to wonder if maybe…
But now…
My seat moved, causing me to focus back on the present. The plane had stopped, and everyone was gathering their belongings. Time for me to do my job and remind myself why I was here.