31. Talon
Talon
Her laugh pulls me from the kitchen. Grabbing the glass of water I made for her, I sit on the chair opposite where she’s sitting next to Toby. She’s on his phone, because hers was lost when she was taken from that restaurant.
His eyes slide to mine and he raises a brow. I haven’t told him about my… predicament. I know attraction, and this isn't it at least, that’s not all it is. This is something else, and it scares the shit out of me because I don’t know how to navigate it.
Banks offers me a controller and I take it, deciding to kill some bad guys on the television at least. Maybe I just need to avoid her, go back to school, and pretend that whatever is going on in my head is a side effect of being home and seeing her in my space.
Creed and Fern come down the stairs, she’s dressed for work and he’s dressed as he always is, dress shirt and slacks. They’re talking, but I can’t hear what they’re saying. They kiss each other, and I have to look away because I don’t have anything to throw.
My eyes land on Cin, who’s trying not to look but keeps peeking their way. Fern giggles and then they greet us as they usually do.
“Cin!” Fern spots her beside Toby and eyes me. I pretend not to be, whatever it is I am, and give her a sneer. “I’m heading to the bakery, but after that, I figure one of the boys could bring you into town, and we could get you some clothes. If you’re feeling up for it?”
She hunches down, arms crossing over her body.
“I already planned to take Spice into town tomorrow,” I blurt, and everyone’s heads snap my way.
“What?” Cin says, eyebrows touching between her forehead.
Fern smiles, and I hate the way it makes me feel like we have a secret. She doesn’t know shit about Cin.
“Well, if you need me, you know where to find me,” Fern winks at me and I groan, laying my head back on the cushion.
What the fuck did I do?
Fern and Creed disappear into the kitchen and Henry stands. We all look at him and he looks at us like we’ve lost a few screws.
“What? I’m going with Fern to the bakery…” he says, drawing out the last word as if asking for permission. “Where I currently work?”
Banks looks away, face hard and jaw set. Guess those two are still fighting then, whatever, I’ve got my own damn problems.
“We’ll text you if we need you,” Toby says, clapping Henry's hand as he leaves. He comes over to me and leans down.
“Don’t do anything stupid,” he stands up and smiles as he turns to leave.
I have to suppress the urge to roll my eyes. I didn’t actually have a plan for today, but getting her out of Creed’s clothes was definitely on my to-do list. She’s still looking at me when I glance her way.
Our eyes lock and she shakes her head, standing and storming off toward my room.
“What’s going on with you?” Toby asks and I can’t answer, because I don’t fucking know.
I follow her, finding her sitting on my bed with her legs pulled up under her. She’s facing the window, and I don’t really know what to say. I’m struggling for words.
“I told you I won’t be your punching bag anymore, why can’t you just accept that and move on?”
I lick my bottom lip and step into the room, “that’s not why I’m here.”
“Then why are you, Talon?” She says, twisting around so I can see her face, and the way her eyes are lined in silver.
“I don’t fucking know,” I answer her honestly, “I don’t know why I’m feeling these things, but I hate seeing you like this.”
“Like what,” she says, throwing her hands up and dropping them down to slap against her thighs. “Broken? Bruised? Sad? I thought that’s what you wanted. You should be happy, or are you not because you weren’t the one to make it happen?”
Fuck, I’m fucking this up, and I don’t even know what this is. I shake my head, taking a deep breath, but she continues, “I’m scared, and furious, and you know what, that’s okay. It’s normal , Talon. To feel things other than hate and malice. But I don’t have the time, or the emotional bandwidth to take on your feelings too.”
“I just want to take you to buy some clothes,” I tell her, even though I’m fairly certain that’s not why I told Fern I had that planned. I need to figure my shit out, and fast. “Get you some of your own, and out of someone else’s.”
“Okay, Talon,” she whispers as she lays down, pulling the covers up and over her body.
I take that as her dismissal and leave her alone to let her sleep.
The next morning I go for a walk around the house and to the barn. The barn Creed had built just for Fern and the horse that she bonded with when she was in recovery.
Fern’s been through a lot of shit, and maybe that’s why I love her. She can see the blackness in me, yet she gave me a chance anyway. She says Daisy saved her, but I think the saving was mutual.
I haven’t seen the horses since Christmas and I miss them more than I thought I would. I still haven’t gotten the courage to ride yet, even though Fern is confident that Daisy likes me.
The barn is open, and I can see Daisy’s head as I walk down the hill toward the stalls inside of the barn. She grunts at my arrival, prompting Rambow to poke his head out of his stall too. He blows air out of his snout and I laugh.
He’s gotten bigger since the last time I saw him. His chestnut coat is darker than his mother’s and he doesn’t have the white spot on his head anymore. Though his mane still stars a highlighted streak of white.
“Hey girl,” I speak to Daisy, running my hand down her nose. She happily chuffs as I unlock her stall, walking behind me, we make our way to the field. She probably doesn’t need to be let out, but it can’t hurt.
I brush her coat with the dandy brush I picked up on the way out, she grazes as I do soft, slow strokes down her spine. Her tail flicks a few times when the bristles hit a certain spot on her hind. I don’t know how long I brush and talk while watching her graze, but the sun seems higher now, so I know it’s been at least a couple of hours.
Patting her neck, I tell her I’ll be right back with Rambow and walk around the barn to the front. I forgot to unlock the sliding doors that lead out the back of the barn, but I don’t mind the walk.
I stop in my tracks when I get to the door. Cin is standing in front of Rambows stall with an apple in her hand. Gingerly she offers the apple to him, fingers tucked together and palm flat, like she’s done this before.
He takes it and happily crunches away as she turns the fruit in her hand so he gets all the flesh. When the core is the only thing left, she pulls her hand back and strokes his neck.
“I didn’t know you had horses,” she whispers, “or that you of all people could care for them.”
“Fu–” I swallow my retort and instead offer a piece of myself, “they’re Fern’s, but I’ve grown to love them.”
She scoffs, “so, Fish Boy can experience love after all.”
I deserve that comment, I’ve not shown her any different. “Rambow might disagree,” I say nodding to the horse she’s petting.
“Rambow?” Her eyebrow raises and she looks at me. Her eyes are sad, but her smile is playful, and that part of me that I thought was dead and gone a long time ago rears its head. That seems to be happening more and more often these past few days.
Walking closer to the stall, I stop a step away from where the two are bonding. Her eyes roam over my face, and I can’t stop myself from noticing the slight tilt in them, and the way they glow like honey.
Her breaths come in steady lifts of her chest, and I have to snap myself out of whatever came over me and reach around her to slowly unlatch the gate.
Rambow steps out, breaking the moment. Lifting his head as if he’s a peacock showing off, he struts. I laugh and he gawfs, shooting hot air from his nose.
“He’s showing off for you,” I tell Cin, and she laughs, falling into step beside us.
We’re silent as we walk him to the same spot I walked his mother to, she’s still grazing but lifts her head when she sees Cin with me.
“Daisy, this is Cin,” I look to where Cin walks beside me and points to her hand, raising my brow in a silent request. She nods and I take her hand, placing it palm up in mine and wait for Daisy to come closer.
Her hand sends a shock over my skin and when Daisy finally gets close she sniffs, “Cin is a…” I watch her, watching Daisy and trip over my words, “friend.”
She smiles when Daisy nudges her hand, and mine drops away. It transforms her face, lighting up her cheeks and eyes. I want to hate her for finding joy in my space, but it’s not hate that surfaces in my gut.
“Spice,” I whisper, almost just a breath. She glances my way, then stops petting Daisy and looks at me. “I meant it when I said I’m sorry.”
I’m taking a big risk, showing her a side of myself that I didn’t even know could exist with anyone other than Fern. Her face is tipped up to mine, and I wish I could decipher her expression.
“I don’t know how to be someone that feels… compelled to want to take care of another person,” I’m tripping up on the words, but I’m trying and I realize I’m scared. So fucking scared that if I let her in, if I let her become a part of my family that she’ll leave. That I’ll make a mistake and she won’t be able to look past it. “I’ve been an asshole, but when I saw you come in the other night, I felt… something.”
She pulls her top lip into her mouth and I wonder if I’m already blowing this whole truce thing.
“I know attraction,” I try to explain myself better, “but this is different, and it’s terrifying.”
There, the words are out there, and I can’t gobble them back up into my mouth and swallow them down. We stand there, and I watch her to get some kind of reaction from what I said.
“So you’re saying you want to care for me but aren’t attracted to me?”
That is not what I was trying to say. Jesus fuck, I knew I’d fuck this whole shit up.
I shake my head, “no, that’s not… goddamnit, that’s not what I meant.”
Scratching at my brow, I turn to the fence and contemplate running away, just trucking it back to the house and leaving her here. But I’ve already started, and I feel like the train wreck just continues.
“I’m attracted to you, of course I am, you’re beautiful and calm and competent, and more than formidable—,” I shake my head at myself.
“Are you trying to say you like me, Fish Boy?”
“Ughh,” I want to throttle her for that nickname, “would you stop calling me that?”
“Not a chance in hell, that one is gonna stick.”
This woman is the most frustrating creature I’ve ever met, but I place my hands gently on both sides of her face and bring her closer to me.
Her eyes widen for a second before I slowly bring my lips to hers. It’s not a far journey, and honestly, I’m waiting for her to punch me in the face. To my surprise she sighs into me and closes her eyes, letting me press my lips against hers, and I think I might have a heart attack.
Because when I move back her eyes are still closed and my heart pulses at an alarming rate. When she opens her eyes again it feels like she’s staring straight into my soul.
“Say something, please,” I almost beg.
“I accept your apology, but don’t think one kiss will make up for all the shit you put me through.”
I have no idea why I thought she’d make this easy on me.