Chapter 35
Chapter Thirty-Five
GRACE
Miami was cold and colorless without Alix. Grace moved through a house that was suddenly all cold surfaces and sharp edges while she got ready for work.
She couldn’t blame jet lag for the sleepless night, or even the stress of all the work waiting for her in the office. Work she’d meant to do in the margins of her LA trip but couldn’t manage to prioritize. Couldn’t find the will to care about.
Sleep had been impossible in a huge and unforgivingly empty bed.
Sheila and Icarus, rarely clingy, had been glued to her while she laid there.
She couldn’t be sure, but there was something in their unusually quiet and affectionate treatment that made Grace think they understood what an embarrassingly sad sack she was.
Blow-drying the layered hair she was still getting the hang of styling, she imagined Alix sitting on the counter, legs slowly swinging over the edge while she kept her company.
Grace smiled to herself. Just the thought of Alix was a hit of adrenaline.
The soaring high of paragliding that lifted her chest and mood right before slamming her into the side of a mountain.
With a groan, Grace gave up on her half-damp hair and put that shit in a high pony.
It was still early, but not so early that she had time to drop onto the couch in nothing but a bra and high-waisted pants.
For once, Grace couldn’t find the will to care about beating traffic.
She opened her photos and went immediately to her new favorite.
Alix mid-laugh, dimples carving into her perfect face. They’d been sitting on her couch and eating the spiciest hand-pulled noodles ever made. Grace’s mouth still burned at the memory, but not as much as her sore chest did.
When Grace strolled into work, she was still earlier than any of the partners, but not first. It was strange to see the lights on in a few associates’ offices when hers was dark. And even stranger that she couldn’t summon a single fuck to give.
At her desk, Grace moved from muscle memory.
She answered emails, communicating with clients the only task she hadn’t neglected, and then opened her calendar to prepare herself for the week.
Impressed with herself, she made it a solid hour before picking up her phone and texting Alix that she missed her.
Alix wouldn’t see the message for hours yet, but Grace wanted her to have it waiting for her. Wanted Alix to think of her when she was still sleepy and warm.
“Trip was that good, huh?”
Ivy’s sudden appearance scared the hell out of Grace. Reflexively, she turned her phone over, hiding her screen.
“Were you sexting your new girlfriend?” Ivy wiggled her brows and took a sip of her coffee.
Grace playfully rolled her eyes and gestured for Ivy to close the door and sit. When she did, Ivy was openly giddy. “Did you elope? Get knocked up? Matching tattoos? Tell me everything.”
Despite her intention to be as miserable as possible in Alix’s absence, Grace chuckled. “I can’t tell which one of those is the most commitment.”
Ivy smiled, softening a face that looked sharp with her red hair pulled back in a bun for court. “Well, I was suggesting all three. You are an all-in or all-out girl.” She leaned forward. “Now tell me everything about your trip, and don’t you dare leave out a single salacious detail.”
Truth bubbled up from Grace’s aching stomach and kicked to get free. “It was incredible,” she said shyly. “I love her.”
The three syllables were woefully inadequate to express the shimmering magic she felt in Alix’s presence. The way her soul felt bright and new and totally unencumbered when Alix reached for her hand. The way their interlocked fingers made Grace feel whole. Real. Loved.
Ivy listened while Grace recounted one of the best weekends of her life in vibrant detail because she wanted to relive every moment too. Wanted to hear the noise of The Hollow and feel the solace of wearing Alix’s clothes.
Ivy’s fair skin flushed when she beamed. “I haven’t seen you this happy since… ever, maybe? God, Grace, I’m so happy for you.”
The genuine joy in Ivy’s voice should’ve made Grace feel lighter, but it landed like a stone in her gut. Happiness felt fraudulent when she was still missing such a key part of the story. When she couldn’t understand just how miraculous her feelings for Alix were.
Ivy’s grin disappeared, replaced by a furrowed brow. “Hey. What was that? You just went somewhere else.”
Grace averted her eyes like the absolute coward she was — had been. “There’s something else… Something, I, um, haven’t told you…”
“Girl, talk significantly faster.” Ivy’s body tightened with anxiety. “You’re making me nervous. Is she married? Is she a serial killer?”
“No, it’s not about Alix.”
“Grace, I love you, but you’re killing—”
“It’s about Julie,” Grace blurted. Just saying her name started a tremor in Grace’s hands when her stomach lurched.
“Julie?” Ivy shook her head as if running through a catalogue of options because Grace was taking too long explaining. “Was she still mad about that hearing? It went fine, we—”
“We were together.” Grace unleashed the secret that had felt so enormous for so long but sounded like a meaningless wisp when she let it out.
Ivy’s mouth opened, then closed. She blinked, processing the three words as if they were a foreign language she was slowly translating. “Together?” she finally echoed, her voice a near-whisper. “You and… Julie Julie — Julie? Our Julie?”
Grace could only nod. The shame was so heavy it felt like a physical weight on her shoulders. She braced for the judgment.
But Ivy’s shock didn’t curdle into judgment. It sharpened into something else entirely. Her face, usually so open and expressive, went unnervingly still. She leaned back in her chair. “For how long?”
“Two years. It ended maybe nine months ago.” Grace was surprised that the absence that haunted her was so hazy now. Like the relationship had happened to someone else.
“And the whole time… no one knew.” It wasn’t a question.
Grace shook her head. “It was a condition. The secrecy.” She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you.” Shame flushed cold and rancid in Grace’s belly. “I’ve never gotten any advantage—”
“Grace, please.” Ivy shook her head. “Absolutely no one with a single brain cell would think that you haven’t worked your ass off, or that Julie would ever be ruled by the emotion required for favoritism.
” She paused, her shoulders dropping. “I just can’t believe you suffered through all of that alone. ”
All Grace had was a useless shrug. In the light of day, it all seemed so wrong now. To be asked to keep an entire life with someone quiet. To be hidden. To be a secret. “I promised her,” she said, exhausted. “And you work here. I couldn’t…”
“Fuck that promise,” Ivy said with thundering conviction. “Fuck Julie, and this job. What matters is that my friend got her heart broken and felt like she couldn’t tell me. Couldn’t tell anyone,” she added in disgust. “That’s just wrong, Grace.”
Ivy stood to drag Grace out of her seat and into a hug. Grace didn’t resist. She squeezed Ivy and wished she could explain how many times she’d wanted to tell her the truth.
“I always hated her. She treats you like a workhorse. Now I want to key her car,” Ivy said when she let her go. “But that’s not the point.”
Grace chuckled, low and tired. “Well, then I’m glad I didn’t tell you when I was still heartbroken or we both would’ve gotten fired.”
Ivy leaned against Grace’s desk, gaze searching. “You never owed that woman or this place your silence, babe.” She squeezed Grace’s arm. “But you know, I have never seen you happier than in the last hour when you were talking about Alix.” She smiled wistfully. “It’s like she turned the light on.”
Grace couldn’t deny that it was exactly how being with Alix felt. Like a switch flipped. A new life discovered. A life more earnest in every possible way.
“I’m so happy for you, Grace.”
“Me too.”
After Ivy left, Grace swiveled her chair to face the wall. It was covered in framed degrees and certificates. They were symbols of a life she had meticulously constructed, brick by painful brick. For fifteen years, her achievements had been such a source of pride.
Now, it just looked like a wall. The paper, thin. The frames, too big. They were trophies from a game she didn’t want to play anymore. Another truth fought its way through the dense forest of expectation and pressure. The life she’d been building was no longer the one she wanted.
Grace’s phone dinged.
Alix
I can’t sleep without you.