Chapter 18
CHAPTER
EIGHTEEN
Erica
I told Olive she did nothing wrong. She was a little upset at Brew’s outburst, and rightly so, but it’s not his fault. The subject matter is a little too close to home.
I can’t stop thinking about his words and how true they were. I don’t care.
I don’t care that he’s done bad things.
I don’t care that he liked killing people who hurt others.
I don’t care that he may have a freaking death wish.
Brew also has a big heart. The pain in his eyes? I can’t even describe it. I understand that I may be making excuses for him, but that’s not my intention.
When Olive signed her name, I saw something in him break.
In the parking lot, when he told me it was like torture if he couldn’t ever touch me again, I decided right then and there I wouldn’t be a guest in this anymore. I’m a willing participant.
A very willing participant.
All afternoon, even after Nova gets back from lunch with Brew and Haze’s mom, all I can do is think about his words. About what they mean.
I realize I’m not the same Erica I was all those years ago. I’m not. I’m so much stronger.
I may not be ready to punch someone in the face like Amber did, but I do have a fury inside me with Steven having a new hearing, and learning that there’s a chance he may get out.
That part has me reeling. I pretended that it was okay with it when I left Amber after Musos, but it’s far from okay.
Just the idea I could ever run into that monster again makes me shudder.
You are safe with me. Olive is safe. Never forget that.
I started thinking about relying on a man, just like I did with Steven, and how far did that get me? I might have escaped a cult, but Amber did all the heavy lifting. She punched Jude, knocking her out. I could never have done that.
I’ve also never owned a gun. I’ve never shot one, but I know now is the time to protect myself, and my daughter, should that man get released.
Brew might think we’re safe, but I’ve been around the MC long enough to know that the bikers can’t be around twenty-four-seven. Bad stuff happens all the time.
I text the one person who won’t give me shit about what I’m going to ask.
Me
Luna? Do you know how to shoot?
Luna
Uh oh, who am I maiming?
I smile down at the text.
Me
Nobody. I just thought it might be fun to go and shoot a few rounds at the range, get a feel for it
Pipes, one of the Rebels, is in charge of running the NOLA Rebels Gun Range. They got a big deal with the NOPD to use the facility to train, and that was before Cale Callaghan left the force.
Still, civilians can still go in and use it as well. I know if I ask Amber, she’ll worry and think I’ve gone insane.
Luna
Okay, but if someone pissed you off, you can always try chocolate, I find that helps
I take a breath. I’ve grown close to most of the girls in the club, but Luna has been especially kind.
Me
Steven could be getting out
Luna
Oh my god, what the fuck?
Me
I know. I just found out
Luna
Does Cash know?
Me
Yes, he knows. But — I don’t feel safe, even with the club behind me
Luna
I’m not sure the range is the answer to your problems, but we can check it out
Me
Thank you
Luna
Why don’t I meet you there in an hour? I’m still at Faux Paws
Faux Paws is the animal shelter Luna runs. I glance at my watch. That would actually be perfect because Olive has soccer practice, and I can collect her after that.
Me
Sounds perfect
I take a breath. Unsure that I even want to hold a gun, but at least this way I’ll be able to get a feel for it and see if it’s something I could do.
See, this is stepping out of my comfort zone. It’s not like I woke up today and thought about shooting a gun, but desperate times may call for desperate measures. I’m not a fighter. I’ve never taken any self-defense classes… Speaking of which, I pull my phone out and Google it.
I know Bella sometimes runs classes at her studio downtown, so I could text her and ask when the next one is. I need to be better prepared.
I need to be ready this time. I can’t rely on my cousin to bail me out, she has her own life to lead. Part of being a responsible parent is making sure that I can defend myself and my child. Funny how I didn’t even think about these drastic measures until I found out he has a hearing.
I won’t be intimidated by him, not anymore.
He used to send me letters. Lots of letters begging me to forgive him.
And while I tried my best to understand that Steven was manipulative, he still knew right from wrong.
He still painted himself as some damn saint who was rescuing us all from a life of sin.
We thought we were serving God, but we were just there as a ruse for their agenda.
I vowed when I left that place I would never be manipulated ever again.
I’d never let anyone coerce me into anything.
Holding my phone in my palm, I hover over Brew’s name. I haven’t seen him since he stormed out of here yesterday.
I start typing him a message, but backspace over it several times. Taking a breath, I need to be sure I’m really ready for what I’m about to put in writing. That I’m ready to take the leap.
That I want Brew.
I’m becoming addicted to how he makes me feel, and when he touches me I want to melt into his arms. All the darkness goes away. I know I should stand on my own two feet, and I have, for so, so long, but it’s exhausting.
I stare down at the phone and push send.
There is no going back now.