Chapter 24
CHAPTER
TWENTY-FOUR
Erica
I’m lying here awake, unable to sleep.
My mind is reeling after what we did.
Brew didn’t come to my window like he promised, however, if he had, I know I wouldn’t have had the will to turn him away.
Guilt.
Worry.
Frustration.
Questioning my integrity.
All of those things play over and over. I’m a good Christian woman, and I had sex out of wedlock. Still… do I feel that bad about it?
I roll over, the panic in me surging, even though I know I gave up most of those preconceived notions years ago. It’s been a long time since we fled the compound, and since I lived under rules I thought were good for me. Rules I believed would make me a better wife. Where did that get me exactly?
Now I can still feel Brew all over my body. Where he’s been, how he touched me, how he felt. The way he possessed my body, and I dropped on my knees for him. My cheeks heat. We weren’t even in the privacy of a bedroom!
I admit, I got home and prayed.
I take some calming breaths, trying not to freak out.
I’m a grown woman, I keep telling myself, it’s okay to do this.
Except, no matter my beliefs, it still feels like a sin.
Like I should be married, and even then, going down on a man isn’t allowed.
Him going down on me? Oh my, that was an experience I’ll never forget.
It wasn’t just the physical connection; it was the emotional one.
The one where I get to see a new side of Brew and question if we really could build something.
For me, this isn’t just about sex, but how do I know what it is he wants?
And you don’t just outright ask things like that these days.
We haven’t even gone out on a date, and we’ve had sex.
I wait for the shame to follow, but oddly, it doesn’t.
I might feel like I need to repent and pray for my sins to be forgiven, but my body still aches for him. I’m not going to deny it.
It’s 2am when my phone buzzes.
My heart jumps when I see it’s him.
Brew
You sleeping?
I contemplate if I should reply, but he knows I’ve read the text.
Me
If I was, I’m awake now
Brew
Your mind keeping you up, too?
How does he know so much about me? But it’s not exactly that I focus on, it’s the too part. So he’s awake as well, thinking too much.
Me
Good guess
Brew
Not a guess, I know how your mind works
Me
I sincerely hope not after what we did
My phone rings, and I jump. I take a beat, then answer.
“I thought it was mandatory to not call after sex?” I try to make a joke: I do that when I’m stalling.
“Not true, clearly.”
“What can I do for you at this ridiculous hour?”
He takes a second before he says, “I was worried about you.”
After we heard Pipes banging on the door, we quickly got dressed and I high-tailed it. I really hope Pipes didn’t say anything, not that I think he would, but this is a lot to process without the girls finding out.
“You needn’t be. I’m fine.”
Another long pause. “Fine?”
“What’s wrong with fine?”
“I just fucked you into oblivion, and you’re fine?”
Even though his words shock me, I can’t help the laugh that bubbles out of me. “You’re offended by that? Jeez.”
“Clearly, I didn’t do my job very well,” he mutters.
“You did your job perfectly.”
“So why are you awake at two am?”
“Why are you?” I challenge.
“Like I said, I was worried. You left abruptly.”
“We got sprung.”
“What are we like teenagers?”
“I’m sure you were doing things like that as a teenager, but I definitely wasn’t.”
“Let me guess, you had your nose stuck in a book?”
“Something like that,” I say, because he isn’t far from the truth. “What about you, were you a good student?”
“I think you know the answer to that.” I hear the chuckle in his voice, and I am once again reminded of how much I like it.
“You could just be saying that,” I muse. “Maybe you were secretly a scholar, and you just don’t want to tell me in case it ruins your reputation.”
Silence. Then he laughs. Really laughs.
If I thought I liked it when he smiled, it’s got nothing on his laugh.
“I think I’m a little old to be worrying about my reputation, Sparky,” he says, amusement still in his tone.
“Do you really have to call me that?
“Why not? It’s cute.”
Brew thinks I’m cute? I never would’ve thought cute was in his vocabulary. I guess I’m learning new things about him every day.
“You know you can go back to sleep and stop worrying about me,” I say. “People have sex all the time and the world doesn’t fall down on them.”
“Is that what you think is going to happen?” He doesn’t sound like he’s mocking me, so that’s a relief, but I still feel a little silly.
“You have to understand, where I come from and what I know doesn’t include what we just did.” I close my eyes, taking slow, silent breaths. “What we did is only permitted by…”
“By what?”
I clear my throat. Be honest with him.
“By people who are married.”
“Do you feel weird about it?” he asks.
I pull the duvet up to my chin, unsure I should answer honestly, but I do anyway. “It’s not that I feel weird. It’s just… different.”
“But you feel off about it, right?”
“You told me to be honest with you, and that’s what I’m doing. But please know, I don’t expect anything—”
“Let’s get married.”
I’m sure I’m not hearing correctly, in fact, I should slap my cheeks to make sure I’m not actually dreaming.
“You’re hilarious.”
“You’re uncomfortable being unmarried and havin’ sex, and I want to do it again. I want to do a lot of things with you, Erica. It’s a small compromise.”
I try to process his words. “Did anyone tell you you’re literally insane?”
“Many times,” he admits. “So many times I’ve lost count.”
“I don’t regret it,” I whisper. “It’s just a lot for someone like me. I grew up in a strict household, and when I married Steven, I was a virgin.”
“He didn’t get the best of you,” he says, surprising me. “I promise you that.”
A tear escapes. “Sometimes it feels like he did, like there are old wounds that won’t heal because of what he did.”
“I won’t let him hurt you, never again, you hear me?”
I smile, despite myself. “You’re a good man, Brew.”
“I wasn’t kiddin’ about the marriage part.”
“If I take you up on your offer, you’ll have to live up to husband duties,” I sing. “There’s a lot involved. Times have changed since I was married.”
“I’m not kiddin’, Erica.” He’s stoic and serious.
I jolt, my eyes widening. He’s actually freaking serious? Brew rarely jokes, in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever heard him joke about anything.
“I’m sure we’d have a lot of explaining to do to Olive,” I say, trying to lighten the mood.
“If it makes you feel better about sex—”
“Brew, quit it,” I say, sitting up. “You don’t mean—”
“I mean everythin’ I say.”
“Marriage? Just to make me feel more comfortable?”
“I don’t see the issue,” he says, like we’re talking about the freaking weather.
“You. Don’t. See. The. Issue?” My words are purposely slow. “It’s marriage.”
“Yep, I’m well aware of that.”
“You’ve never been married before.”
“Seems kinda basic. Be decent. Give your wife what she wants. Protect her and her kid above all other things. Be loyal. For better or worse…”
I must be in the twilight zone. This is Brew. My grumpy boss. The man who spent almost two years practically mute, aside from the odd directive. A man who can be brutal and yet he’s fiercely loyal.
“Did you hit your head?”
“Not that I’m aware of, let me check.” I hear a shuffle, then he says, “Nope, no bleedin’.”
“Brew, you’re being ridiculous, and it’s late,” I sigh, yawning. “I need to be up in four hours.”
“Did you want me to come over and read you a bedtime story?”
This man has me enduring so many emotions. Shock. Disbelief. Lust. I’m laughing. I’m crying. I’m a mess.
“Very funny.”
“Get some rest, we can talk about this tomorrow,” he says.
“Brew, there’s nothing to talk about. We’re not getting married.”
“Sex might be off the cards then, on a matter of principle.”
I can’t work out if he’s taking the mickey. If it were anyone else, I’d say yes, they were, but with Brew he never does anything without conviction.
“Go to sleep.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
I hang up, then stare at my phone. I know Brew isn’t a big drinker, so he isn’t drunk.
He’s also not on drugs, so that can’t explain it.
Is he just saying what I want to hear? I can’t imagine him agreeing to anything as crazy as marriage, but now I know I’m never going to get to sleep after that conversation.
I snuggle back under the duvet. Today wasn’t just a lot, it was a turning point.
I know he instigated it, but I also took charge.
I’ve always believed it’s sinful to lust after someone, to do what we did, but I’ve also never experienced someone as considerate and caring as Brew.
Okay, he may have pushed me up against a wall and had his way with me, but that’s beside the point.
Maybe I’m turning a new leaf after all, or maybe Brew just brings out the wild side in me.
Either way, I close my eyes and drift off to sleep because today’s memory was enough to keep me sated, at least until tomorrow.