Chapter 19
CHAPTER 19
C ole
I’m disappointed that Johan doesn’t want to stay tonight, but I get what he means. I slept well last night but by lunchtime I am starting to feel tired, the effects of the weekend taking its toll. Also with my job, although I love it and can’t think of anything else I would rather do, the hours can be a bit unpredictable and some days it can just all be hard work. But sometimes it can give you a bit of a break, and no more calls come in after two o’clock, so Sam and I give the surgery a good clean and check the supplies. I let Sam make the list, allowing them to do a bit more of the admin work and order what we need from the suppliers. It’s not without a sense of relief that at five I can switch the surgery phone over to the emergency switchboard. Tonight it’s someone else’s turn.
Johan still hasn’t appeared but it’s already dark, so I know he can’t be long. After looking after me for the last couple of nights, I want to do something for him, make him dinner. I check the food supplies. There’s not much after being on call all weekend, but there might be just enough to throw together for a stir fry.
Roffe alerts me to his footfall on the steps, running for the door. As Johan pushes it open Roffe jumps into his arms. I love that Roffe has settled in so well. He’s quickly filling out and within a few weeks it will be difficult to tell he had been starved. Johan nuzzles into him, before putting him down and greeting Vin too. He still looks tired, but there’s something else there. I’m not good at reading expressions, though I am trying to get better at it. But this I don’t recognise, and it makes me feel uneasy. I try to let that go, not allowing myself to think it could be bad.
“Do you want a drink? Coffee, beer, or something stronger.”
“Coffee, please.” Johan leans on the breakfast counter as I head over to the coffee machine.
I place the mug in front of him, white, no sugar, exactly as he likes it. He picks it up and smiles at me, and the queasy feeling in my stomach eases.
“I’m making a stir fry, is that okay?”
“Sounds perfect, thank you.” His voice sounds different, how, I don’t know.
“What is it Johan?”
“I’m tired.”
Maybe he’s right, but somehow I don’t think so. I can’t tell but something makes me think he’s lying. I hate that I can’t pick up on these things and frustration takes over. The spatula clatters to the floor where I drop it as I spin round.
“That’s not all is it?”
He looks startled at the noise and stares at me.
“Please talk to me Johan, don’t shut me out. That’s all everyone has ever done to me. Conversations have stopped when I’ve walked into rooms. I can’t tell how many times I have heard the answer ‘nothing’ when I’ve asked people what’s wrong.”
I press the heels of my hands into my eyes to try and prevent the tears I feel welling up there.
“I’m worried.” He says it softly and I hardly catch the words.
“What?”
“I’m worried.”
“What about?”
“Us.”
“Us?” Now I am confused.
“I like being a friend to you Cole, you’re an amazing person and I hope you like being my friend too.”
“I like being your friend.” I laugh a little, as I don’t know what he’s worried about. Of course we’re friends.
“But the last couple of days, what we’ve shared, that’s not really what friends do. I don’t want to stop doing those things, I really like you Cole.”
I try to understand what he’s saying, but can’t work it out.
“So we can’t be friends anymore, is that what you are saying?” The nausea is back and my throat goes dry.
“I’m not explaining it very well. What I am trying to say is that if we do these things we can’t go back to being just friends.”
I catch the “just friends.”
“So we’d be more than friends.” Realisation dawns. “Like boyfriends?”
“Yes.”
“What’s the problem?”
“I’m not sure if that’s what you want.”
I start pacing, nervousness kicking in. I had really thought Johan was different but now he’s behaving just like everyone else.
“Did you think to ask me?” I cry.
He looks sad. That is something I can at least tell.
“Oh god Cole, I’m so sorry, I’ve done exactly what I told Tom off for earlier.”
“You talked to Tom about me?” Now I am confused.
“Yes, well, no. I told him it was none of his business.”
“What was none of his business?”
“Us.”
“Us?” that word again.
“I am really sorry Cole, I’m an idiot.”
“I wouldn’t call you an idiot Johan, but please don’t behave like one.”
He catches my hand stopping me in my pacing. He pulls me close.
“Cole, I like you—a lot. I like the way you make me feel, I like taking care of you, you make me laugh and you’re one helluva sexy guy. Will you be my boyfriend?”
Standing this close to him makes my heart race and my stomach flip. “I thought you’d never ask.”
He throws his head back and laughs. I don’t really get why he does that, but then he looks at me with a smile. “You never cease to amaze me.”
“But—” I do need to make one thing clear. “Never shut me out or try and hide things from me thinking I won’t understand. I won’t if you never tell me.”
He nods, “Point taken and I promise I won’t.”
“Good.” I step closer and he puts his arms around me, drawing me into a hug. He kisses my hair and I feel happy, happier than I’ve felt in a long time. Except for one thing.
“Why won’t you stay tonight?”
He takes a deep breath.
“The reason I came to England was to get away for a bit. I had been in a relationship with someone for a long time. We’d been living together for years. I thought that that was what I wanted. I was happy.” He gives a little laugh but it is not a happy sound. I’m still standing in his arms and I snuggle a little closer. He holds me tighter and continues.
“Then I found out he was cheating on me. He was seeing someone else, but he had lied to me for months. I was hurt. I felt stupid, and used, and like I couldn’t trust anyone again. I wanted to forget all about it. I didn’t want another relationship.”
My breath catches at that. “But you’ve just asked me to be your boyfriend.” I can barely manage more than a whisper.
He runs a finger down my cheek and across my jaw.
“I didn’t know I would meet you, did I? Once I saw you, that all changed.” He kisses my forehead, my nose and then my lips.
“But staying with you, it’s a big step. I just need a little time to process that. Do you understand?”
I do, kind of.
“But I’m not him, that other guy.”
Johan squeezes me tighter “Oh, baby, I know. You’re nothing like Erik. But I still need a little time. Would that be okay?”
“Yes, but Johan, I will miss you. I’ll think of you when you’re not here.”
“And I’ll be thinking of you.”
I stay wrapped in his arms, not willing to break the moment.