Chapter 29
CHAPTER 29
J ohan
I run round the block again; it doesn’t make it easier. I thought I could do this. Cole and I agreed that we could do long distance, but I miss him so much. I know we haven’t split up, but my heart aches all the same. It’s more the not knowing. I’ve applied for another visa, but I don’t know how long that will take. It could be months, if I even get one. It’s not like I have an essential skill or work for a high powered company that needs what I can bring in.
It's been a week and it feels like forever. I stop and catch my breath. But I know I’ll start running again, it’s my only defence. I try to ignore the worry I have that Cole seemed vague in his texts last night. Up until then they have been great, loving and even flirty but last night it seemed a little off. I realise I’m being selfish, he probably had a hard day at work or didn’t get back until late. Spring is a very busy time for vets, lots of animals in need of help. In the week before I left, he was out most days and some nights, helping with lambing and calving or foaling. I felt I barely saw him and even when I did he was so tired he usually collapsed into bed.
I sent him a text this morning, but haven’t received one back yet, which doesn’t ease the ache in my chest.
I knew this was a possibility when I caught sight of him all those months ago, but I still allowed it to happen. In truth I was powerless to stop it. But my punishment is the hurt and the heartache, so I run and then I run some more.
It’s getting late when I head back to the house. I’m staying with my parents. I don’t have the energy to look for somewhere for myself just yet. Still I need to, maybe it is best if I try and move on. I laugh at that thought. I can’t move on, there will never be anyone for me but Cole, but I don’t know how we’re going to make it work.
My parents are concerned about me. I see it in their eyes when they look at me. In the hugs my father gives me and the soft way my stepmother speaks to me. In some ways it makes it worse, so much worse. I want to curl up and give up right now.
When I get back to the house they’re getting ready to go out. A charity function they attend every year.
“Will you be alright, love?” my mother asks.
“Of course I will,” I’m so grateful to her. She’s been the mother I never had the chance to have, and she has never shown any favouritism between myself and Ben, even though he is her natural son.
There is still concern in their eyes as they leave me. What do they expect me to do? I will just mope about. I suppose I should consider looking for work, even while I wait for the visa confirmation to come through. But that makes me think of the farm and I know it’s my favourite place to be. I miss Larchdown, I think of how the trees would be starting to blossom; I was told they’re beautiful and now I won’t get to see them.
I take a long shower, throwing on a t-shirt and some sweat pants while I try and decide what to have for dinner. I consider texting Cole, but he hasn’t replied to mine from this morning yet and he’s probably busy.
I stand with the refrigerator door open, staring into the interior and not really thinking about food, but somehow letting my mind drift as if the fridge is going to give me all the answers.
My phone beeps. I shut the fridge door with a clang and snatch it up, my heart feeling full in my chest, only to have it deflate when it’s from my father. They’re going to have drinks with some friends and will be back late. Fine, they didn’t need to tell me that. I throw my phone down in disgust and look around the kitchen, not knowing what to do.
My phone beeps again, and I reluctantly pick it up. No doubt it’s something else they want to tell me.
My stomach flips when I see it’s from Cole. Though it is with some trepidation that I open it.
Cole - Sorry Jo, just seen your message from this morning.
I start to reply when I see the three bouncing dots.
Cole - I was busy.
What kind of a message is that?
Three more dots.
Then they disappear and reappear; this happens several times.
Then a message appears.
Cole - I have something to ask you.
Now I am curious; what does he want? He hasn’t even said hi, which is our normal greeting?
Then another three dots appear.
Cole - Are you there Jo?
Johan - Yes I’m here.
Three more dots.
Cole - Phew, can you open your door please?
I stare at the screen for a minute, what is he trying to say? What does he mean? Then I hear a bang on the door.
I crash through the house to get to the door. My heart is hammering in my chest as I open it.
I can’t quite believe it and I blink in astonishment for a split second before I pick him up and whirl him round.
He laughs. God, I’ve missed that noise.
I put him down and usher him inside.
He barely dumps his bag before I drag him into a hug.
“It’s so good to see you, Cole. I can’t believe you’re here.”
I draw back a little and look at him.
“Wait, why are you here?”
He doesn’t say anything so I drop my arm, my skin going cold. Then he starts pacing and waving his arms around which isn’t usually a good sign.
“I’m struggling Johan. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, nothing feels right, I’m grumpy, I’m too hot, I’m too cold, I’m tired, I can’t sit still, whenever I try and do something I can’t focus,”
He stands in front of me, gasping, like he had said all that in one breath.
Once he’d taken a few shaky breaths he tries to speak, his voice barely audible.
“I love you Johan.”
My body reacts before either head or heart has time to catch up. I step close and circle my arms round him, my body needing the touch of the one it loves.
“What did you say?”
He swallows as if speaking is suddenly difficult.
“I love you, I can’t live without you.”
“But—”
“I know we said to wait but I don’t want to wait any longer, I can’t wait Jo, I need you now.”
“I—”
“Will you marry me?”
My heart stills and my head goes into freefall. Only my body seems to be capable of functioning normally as I squeeze him tighter. A million thoughts pass through my brain. I register shock at the question, awe that he asked it, and a crushing fear that this is a big commitment. I could only just piece myself together after Erik, and that was from living together. Marriage? Hell, marriage! That was a whole new world of scary and messy. I don't know if I could ever recover from that. My brain short circuits.
“Johan, you’re crushing me.”
I realise Cole is wriggling trying to get free. I release him and he takes a small step away. I look at him. I haven’t pieced myself together after Erik, Cole has done that. He’s shown me that people can be good and generous. Cole who has left his job during the busiest time of the season. Who has flown out here to tell me he needs me.
He's staring at me, eyes wide, and his body vibrating with fear. I never want him to look like that again. I am scared, yes, but I am one hundred percent sure I need him too.
I close the small gap between us and cup my hand round his jaw. I bend to kiss him, and just before our lips touch, whisper “Yes.”