Chapter 28
CHAPTER 28
C ole
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t taste my food, everything looks washed out and colourless, and I’m grumpy. Some have said I’m always grumpy, but I find myself snapping at clients, something I never do. It’s like my patience has upped and left. I can’t keep still, I can’t sleep. Everything feels raw and I know I’m constantly on edge, and I can’t seem to stop it. But by far the worst of it is I feel empty, hollow inside, like I’m hungry but I can’t eat. Appetite, that’s another thing that eludes me, enough that my family comment on it at Sunday dinner.
“What’s wrong love?” my mum asks as I push my food round my plate.
I shake my head “It’s nothing.”
“We all miss him.” She covers my hand with hers, giving it a squeeze and I can’t take any more. I can’t take their sympathy, it’s not what they think.
“This isn’t about Johan.” I explode out of my seat. I need some air. I can’t sit around with my family and act normal. Nothing feels normal. And it definitely isn’t about Johan, it can’t be because I’ve been telling myself that every day since he left. But the feelings won’t go away, if anything they’re worse.
Once outside I can breathe again, but nothing else changes. I lean on the fence and stare out across the paddocks, watching the horses in their simple life, suddenly jealous of them.
I feel the top rail of the fence dip slightly as Tom joins me.
“That wasn’t cool bro, Mum didn’t deserve that.”
I don’t respond. I know she didn’t but can’t speak right now. Tom has always called me out on my behaviour and it’s not welcome right now. I know I’m being shitty, but I can’t stop it. But he’s determined to continue.
“She’s just worried about you.” He pauses and then adds, “We all are.”
“Well don’t be, there’s nothing to be worried about.” I know I sound like a moody teenager but I can’t help it.
“Just tell me what you’re feeling. I might be able to help.”
I shrug but there’s something in his words and his open manner that makes me think.
“This is what brothers are for,” he says softly, as if sensing my hesitation. I run a fingernail along a groove in the wooden fence rail, trying to find the words. I can’t really, but I try.
“I don’t know why I feel this way.”
“Like what?”
“Like this,” I struggle and then blurt out, “Like I’m not really living.”
Once I start, I just can’t stop. “Like I can’t focus, nothing tastes right, I’m not sleeping, I’m irritable with clients, and I just feel empty, like I’m not really here.”
“Sounds like a classic case of being lovesick to me,” Tom responds thoughtfully.
“It can’t be, I don’t do love.” I scowl. No, I’m not cut out for love.
“Tell that to your heart.” Tom envelops me in a hug. It takes me by surprise as I don’t think we’ve hugged each other in over ten years. I’m not used to hugging, well I wasn’t until Johan. There, wrapped in the warmth of my brother’s arms I remember Johan’s embrace. We’d been boyfriends but I had never called it love, I had never said that to him.
“Is this what love feels like?”
“No, this is what being lovesick feels like. This is what it feels like when you need to fix something to make you feel better again.”
Tom holds me as I sob onto his shoulder. He rubs my back with his hands, making soothing noises. Cries wrack my body, tears fall, soaking his shirt but still he doesn’t stop. He just lets me cry it all out. Eventually I stop. He still doesn’t pull away, but releases his grip a little as I pull back and rest my forehead against his shoulder.
“But he left,” I protest.
“He had to, you know this. I would’ve extended his visa if I could, but it wasn’t possible.”
“Still—” Tom pulls away and releases me. I feel bereft of his touch as soon as it’s gone. He looks at me in mild disappointment.
“No Cole, he couldn’t have refused to go. If he’d been found out, he could’ve been deported and then would be less likely to be granted a visa to come back.”
“I want him to come back.”
“Of course you do.” Tom smiles.
“But it’s going to be months before I see him again.”
“Is it?”
“Yes, of course it is. Johan is back in Sweden.”
“So, go to Sweden.”
“I can’t leave all this.” I gesture around the farm.
“For the smart one, you can be incredibly dense sometimes,” Tom answers. “No-one is asking you to, not forever, but you can take a few weeks. When did you last go anywhere, and yet how many times do you cover for other vets who have holidays? Sam’s more than capable of looking after the animals, and we can help.”
“But what good can it do, he can’t get a visa to come back.”
Tom shakes his head at me like I’m an idiot. “You’ll figure it out, but you have to take the first steps.”
Then it clicks in my head. I know what I have to do. I give Tom a quick hug.
“Thanks Tom, I’ll be in to say sorry to Mum in a minute. Ask her to save some dessert, there’s something I’ve got to do first.”
I race across the yard and up to my apartment. I need to book a plane ticket.