Chapter 26
Val
I kick the tire again in frustration.
Damn car. It’s too fucking cold for it not to work.
And I need to restock the bar.
But if I can’t get my SUV to start, how in the hell can I get supplies?
I hate that Sawyer is my only option. This is opening up a huge door that I’m not comfortable with.
Needing him.
It makes me vulnerable.
Back in the warmth of the building, my phone vibrates in my pocket.
“Hey.” I drop my keys on the counter and grab a Diet Coke from the cooler.
“Is everything okay?” He sounds like he’s outside, the wind is whipping over his words.
“Oh yea. Great. Just my stupid Chevy won’t start,” I grumble, plopping onto one of the stools. “Can you be a sweetie and come give me a jump?”
“I’ll be right there.”
The silence that follows makes me look at the screen.
Well, shit. He hung up on me.
So eager to please. I feel bad about kicking him out on Sunday.
But I’m just not ready for a relationship.
It’s getting harder to keep that distance though.
Giving over my heart means losing control of it.
I swore I’d never do that again, not after Chris.
The betrayal was too agonizing.
I know Chris and Sawyer aren’t the same person.
Yet the pain would be just as real.
Sawyer is too young for me. It would never work long-term.
Even though the thought of waking up every morning next to him, curling up on his lap with my coffee, and planning our day together sounds very appealing.
It’s a pipe dream, more suitable for a younger woman than me.
He deserves to have someone who can be open with him. Trust him.
I’m not that person.
I just have to be the toxic bitch addicted to his dick.
The best thing I can do is keep emotions out of it. If I let myself fall for him, it will be so much worse when we split.
Because pretending that I could ever be a part of his future is a delusion. He’d never be happy here at this dingy-ass bar for the rest of his life.
An icy breeze pushes through as the bell over the door announces his arrival.
“Well, if it isn’t my knight in shining…Carhartts.” I smile up at him from my seat.
“I got here as quick as I could, but had to clean out my truck and toss in some tools.” The corner of his mouth rises with his eyebrows.
Then his nose wrinkles when I try to step closer. “I’ve been shoveling shit. I probably stink something awful.”
I don’t know why he worries about that so much. It wouldn’t bother me, but I shrug.
“This is a nice little break then?” Grabbing my keys, I lead him outside into the frigid air.
“My highlight to a crappy day,” he chuckles from behind me.
He stands in front of my car, his palm resting on the hood. “Go ahead and pop it open. Then try to start it for me.”
His cheeks are flushed from the cold as he fumbles for the latch.
When he raises the top, all I can see are his fingers.
“Okay, crank it,” he yells.
The engine doesn’t try to turn over, it only has the same clicking I heard earlier.
He steps where I can see him. “Let me pull my truck over. It sure does seem like the battery.”
I’m not sure if I should roll my eyes or bat them.
Opting for neither, I sit back and wait as he idles his Toyota closer.
It doesn’t take him long to get everything hooked up.
“Did you want to wait where it’s warm?” He leans against the side near my door. “I can keep an eye on things here.” His arm sweeps down his body. “I’m dressed to be outside.”
“Are you judging my sexy thin coat?” Okay, I am actually freezing.
But now I’m stubborn enough to refuse.
His grin grows. “I’m not complaining.”
“I can make some hot coffee as a thank you?” And it would be a good excuse for me to go back inside and warm up.
“I’m good. Char made me hot chocolate and I still have some left.” He gestures towards his pickup.
Why does a twinge of jealousy pluck at the back of my neck?
I shouldn’t be. I know that Char and Dixon are very firmly together.
Fuck. What is wrong with me? I can’t have it both ways.
Being with Sawyer is a mistake.
Walking away from him is impossible.
The real question is how much longer will he let me string him along?
“I think you can try it,” he says after a few moments.
With frozen fingers, I crank the engine, holding my breath.
And it fires right up.
My exhale erupts in a fog of steam in front of my face.
“Thank you.” Now I can head to Missoula.
“Val?” His voice sounds pinched. “Are you sure you want to take this? I can drive you—”
“I got it,” I say over him.
His jaw tics as he looks away. “I just want to make sure you’re safe,” he mutters quietly. “You can take my truck instead? It might not look that fancy, but it runs really good.”
I want him to go with me.
It’s so hard missing him when I’m the one keeping him away.
Why am I torturing myself?
“You’re so sweet, little boy. I’ll be fine.”
I hate that I put that sour look on his face.
His forehead furrows as he pushes himself away from the bumper.
Pulling away the jumper cables, he tosses them into the bed of his Tacoma, then drops my hood with a heavy slam.
“Is it so wrong I fucking care enough about you I don’t want you stuck on the side of the road?” he grumbles. “I’d rather walk home knowing you’re at least safe.”
His fingers open and close at his thighs as he stares past me.
The frustration is rolling off him in waves.
But mine is too. I don’t want him pressuring me into something I’m not ready for.
“I’m a big girl, Sawyer. I could have called the tow company just as easily to come and give me a jump. Maybe I will next time.” I pull my door shut between us and crank up the heater.
Seeing him getting agitated makes a strange division in me.
Part of me likes that he wants to protect me.
But I’m also terrified that it means he’s getting too attached.
I thought I loved Chris once, too. I trusted him.
And he betrayed it in the most brutal way possible.
“Please don’t leave mad.” Sawyer exhales his own misty cloud. “I don’t want to make you feel like…I dunno.” His thick jacket rises and falls with his shoulders.
When he turns, those blue eyes are laced with pain. “I’m sorry.”
That lower lip pokes out, a neon sign of his own self doubts.
“Thank you for coming to my rescue.” I struggle to keep my tone level. “I’ll see you on Friday.”
With a nod, he steps aside so I can pull out.
Watching him in the rearview mirror hurts.
Am I fighting myself?
Could I just give in and see what happens?
Or maybe I should just end our little game and tell him to walk away?
They both make me feel sick to my stomach.