Chapter 29
Sawyer
I’ve never felt this ache before.
Maybe when I was ten?
The moment Dad told me that Mom was gone.
That’s what this feels like.
My heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped into the frozen earth.
I heard every word. How she laughed at the idea of settling down.
How she eagerly accepted his dinner invitation when she wouldn’t even have breakfast with me.
My throat is raw, choked up, filled with misery like broken glass every time I try to swallow.
What an idiot.
She made me believe I was special. That I was hers.
A glance in my rearview mirror shows the marks have faded away, along with whatever hope I had that she might want me.
There’s no reason to work there now. I didn’t need the job, I just loved it.
And her?
Fuck.
The road blurs as I fight the tears. I’m so damn stupid.
I thought with patience she’d see that we could be more.
Is that what I wanted? Val forever?
An hour ago, I thought so.
I was ready to wait, to help her heal. To be there when she was ready to open up and share her life with me.
Except it was never going to be that way.
She’s held me at arm’s length on purpose.
“Kid.”
“Little Boy.”
She never saw me as a man.
Just a toy.
Skidding to a stop, I jerk the wheel to park in the wide spot in the beginning of the long lane to the ranch.
Bouncing my forehead off the steering wheel doesn’t help ease the ache that clenches my chest so tightly it hurts to breathe.
How in the hell do I change the laws of time? Magically make myself old enough that she’d consider me?
Movement out of the corner of my eyes makes me look out the side to find Sophia scowling at me from her own car.
She motions me to roll my window down.
“What the heck is wrong with—” Her mouth freezes into a circle when she locks onto my face.
“Sawyer? Meet me at our spot.” Slamming on the gas, her little SUV fishtails on the ice before taking off.
I don’t know if I can handle this right now.
But I dutifully follow.
Sophia and I made a pact when Mom died, that no matter what, if one of us called for a meeting, we’d go without question.
I was the one who pushed the agreement. Except that was over grieving, not this.
Even if it feels an awful lot like a piece of me died.
Climbing the rickety stairs to the loft above the equipment shed, I’m not sure I’m up for any kind of interrogation.
“It’s been years since we’ve been up here, huh?” She flips on the switch of her old Disney Princess lamp to light up the room.
Shit, there’s still dusty toys strewn around where we left them. I’m surprised there aren’t critters living in here. It stays warm in the winter from the heaters downstairs.
“Yea, a few,” I grumble, stretching out on the worn wooden bench.
“Tell me. This is about Val, isn’t it? I mean, you’re supposed to be at work.” She tugs off her coat and sits in her rocking chair that looks like it’s about two sizes too small.
“Yea,” I groan. “I don’t really want to talk about it though.”
My heart is ripping in two.
How do I put that into words?
“What did she do? Want me to throat punch her? I mean, I bet she could totally kick my ass, but I can get in a lucky hit.” Sophia stares past me, her face pinches up as if Val was standing behind me.
The thought of my tiny ass sister trying to take Val on for me almost makes me smile.
But I let out a sigh instead. “She’s strict about being hands off during the week. No texts, nothin’. I thought she just needed time to learn to trust me, but I guess I was just the wrong guy.”
Sophia’s cheeks turn a bright shade of purple. “Time? She’s known you forever and should realize you’re like freakin’ Superman with how much of a rule follower you are.”
“Yea, well, it doesn’t matter,” I mutter, draping my arm over my eyes.
I just want to crawl into a hole.
“She used you,” Sophia whispers, then pats on my elbow. “What a bitch.”
“It’s probably for the better. She doesn’t want the same thing I do.” In fact, I didn’t realize what I wanted until I heard the words uttered.
A home.
Kids.
A ring.
“What, a video game partner?” Sophia snorts, sitting back in her creaking chair. “I’m sure that’s what she was thinking.”
“You know Dad was our age when he had us? He was already married and had this place.” My hand sweeps out blindly in a vague arc. “He promised us each a house on the ranch when we’re ready.”
“Yea, I’ve got my spot picked out.” Her lips purse as her eyes unfocus. “Cash almost ruined it. But it overlooks the gulch and the foothills of the Bitteroots.” She takes a long inhale and lets it out. “One day we’ll have our own families.”
Now it’s my turn to scoff. I roll to my side to get a better look at her. “I thought you were never doing that?”
“I didn’t say ‘never’. I just haven’t met the right guy. But all those romance books give me big dreams.” Her smirk tells me I better not ask her to elaborate.
“Well, I want it. I thought with Val.” I sit up with a groan and let my head fall into my palms. “Fuck, I think I love her, Soph. This sucks.”
“Hmm.” Her finger taps against her chin. “Did she dump you? Like, tell you that you’re over?”
“No. But some fancy looking dude came in who she knew and asked her to dinner. She said ‘yes’, Soph. Yes! Don’t you see?” My fingers knot in my hair, shoving my hat off onto the dusty floor. “She won’t let me even text her during the week.” I feel like I’m suffocating.
“Did you talk to her?” Sophia asks quietly as she picks up my baseball cap.
“How could I? It was everything I could do to get the hell out of there without bustin’ down crying.” Forcing the heels of my palms into my eyes, it doesn’t help to stop the tears that start to seep down my cheeks.
Then the brim of my own hat smacks across my shoulder. “You’re an idiot, Sawyer. You should have stayed and talked to her. Ask her why? Maybe that guy was her cousin? Even if he was an old fling, you were the one in her bed, right?”
Her nose wrinkles. “You know what, please don’t answer that last question.”
I sniffle back my running nose. “I don’t want to just be a fuck. But I got no claim on her, she made that shit very clear from the beginning.”
“Ugh.” Sophia throws herself against the back of her rocking chair sending it tipping precariously away. “So then you’re the one who screwed up and got the feels?”
I can feel myself wilt under the truth. “Yea. I guess so.”
Sophia’s toes press into the floor to keep the idle rhythm of her chair’s momentum as she stares at me, the corner of her mouth drooping into a frown.
“I’m sorry, Sawyer. But I think that’s what you were,” she says quietly. “It sounds like she was honest with you.”
An invisible sledge hammer drives into my heart, crushing it with the weight of her words.
“I hate this.” It hurts so damn bad. “I didn’t actually think she’d just walk away.” My throat aches from fighting down the sobs.
My sister stands, wrapping her arms around my head to hug me against her. “You’ll find someone, someday. They’ll love you back just as hard.” She tilts away, a smile tugging up her cheek. “The good part though? You know how to make those freakin’ amazing mozzarella sticks.”
“Yea.” I slump against the stiff seat, looking up at the ceiling. “Dad will be happy. I’ll be here to do more chores.”
“I won’t tell him if you don’t. Take the weekends off anyways. Go up to Missoula and visit Scotty. Maybe he can introduce you to some of the girls on campus?” Sophia shrugs into her coat. “I’m supposed to help Grandma with dinner tonight. Are you okay?” She blinks at me with her big blue eyes.
Every now and then, she reminds me a little of Mom.
All I can do is nod.
She’s right. I knew what the rules were. It’s my fault I broke them by starting to fall for Val.
I couldn’t help it.