Chapter 30
Val
I don’t have time to dwell on how I feel about Sawyer leaving, it gets too damn busy in the bar to even think about it.
Except after I click the lock on the door and go through the motions of cleaning up, then trudge the quiet stairs to my apartment, does the full weight of it sink in.
There’s no doubt that he heard me accept Eli’s invitation.
After weeks of holding Sawyer at arm’s length, it bit me in the ass.
“I really fucked this up,” I grumble, pouring myself a stiff Screwdriver before curling up on my couch.
Everything in my tiny space reminds me of Sawyer.
I don’t want to go to bed.
The real question is, do I reach out to him? Or let him go?
I need to stop deluding myself that he could turn into Chris.
He’s nothing like the man I married.
Sawyer puts me on a pedestal. I can see it in his soft gaze every time he looks at me.
“Why in the hell did I say yes to Eli?” Standing, I make myself another drink to think this through.
I’ve known Eli longer than Sawyer.
Shit. Almost the same.
Sawyer’s been on the edge of my life for almost as long as I can remember.
Didn’t Eli get in trouble a few times when he was younger?
I can’t recall the details. It was that group he was running with. Quincy, the Simmons brothers…Chris.
It had to be that hint of “bad boy” that caught me off guard. Eli would be like falling for my ex all over.
A shiver runs through me at the thought.
Sawyer would never do something so heinous.
I tended his wounds that he got protecting a woman that he’d be the first to say he didn’t even like.
My own damn fears pushed him away.
I’ve been so worried about how we’d fail, I never gave us a chance to succeed.
Fuck it.
Pulling out my phone, I send him a text.
Me: Can we talk?
Within seconds, I see the little three dots pop up indicating he’s writing something.
Then they disappear.
Reappear?
Again, nothing.
With a groan, I toss my cell on the coffee table.
It’s been ten minutes and no reply.
I deserve it.
I’ve ignored all of his attempts. Held him in place too firmly.
Everyone has their limits and I found his.
But is it really a bad thing that he has such a tender heart?
Dragging myself to bed, I stare at the ceiling and wish like hell he was here.
No, I’m not doing it.
Somehow I managed to survive Saturday night without Sawyer.
I haven’t heard a peep from him.
Understandable. I know he needs some time.
But now that I’m standing here looking in the mirror at my outfit for dinner with Eli, I don’t want to dress up.
It’s not a date.
That should belong to Sawyer.
“God, this sucks.” Tugging off the blouse, I dig out a hoodie from my closet and pull it over my head.
Baggy clothes, messy hair, no makeup.
Perfect.
This is just lunch between friends, nothing more.
Then why do I feel sick to my stomach?
My phone pings, making me rush to check.
Eli: I’m at the door?
After I read his text, I can hear the faint banging from downstairs.
Shit.
Swallowing my nerves, I rush to open the lock for him.
“Hey, it’s so good to see you again.” He wears a broad smile as he clasps my upper arms, pulling me to him to press his lips to my cheek.
Before I can protest, he lets go and brushes past me.
“Busy morning?” He raises his eyebrows as he glances up and down my body.
“Always. Mondays are restock days here.” I gesture to the quiet bar.
He turns away, his gaze wandering the corners and shelves.
I’m sure this decor isn’t exactly up to the level it looks like he’s used to. My old beer logo mirrors and tin pin-up style signs probably are pretty low class for him.
“It’s cute. I haven’t really been in here after you and Chris bought the place.” He idly spins one of the stools as he steps by it.
“That was a long time ago.” I think it was shortly before Ava died.
He nods, his lips pursing as he bends over the jukebox. “Yea, we all kind of left town.” But then he stands, his dark eyes pinning me. “I heard what happened. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out sooner.”
It hurts to rekindle the memories of that night.
“Have you ever heard from Chris?” Eli leans his corner against the bright edge of the music machine, but there isn’t amusement in the set of his jaw.
“No,” I say bluntly.
“Hmm.” He pushes away to move in front of me, lowering his face until it’s even with mine. “Don’t you think it’s a little strange how many of my friends have gone missing around here?”
A small shiver works up my spine with his tone.
“We’re getting old, Eli.” I shift away to behind the bar.
It’s my comfort zone.
“Want a drink?” I grab myself a Diet Coke and tilt it towards him.
“No, I’d like to take you out on a date. I mean, since our days are numbered.” His sideways smile reveals the heat in his words.
“Yea, about that.” Popping the top on my soda sends a spray of carbonation over my hand. “I’m already seeing someone.”
Even if he won’t talk to me.
“Oh?” Eli slides onto the stool with an easy smile. “Who’s the lucky guy?”
Shit. How do I say I’m with someone who was a kid the last time Eli was around?
“The youngest McCullough,” I say, shrugging my shoulders in a hope Eli doesn’t get weirded out.
But his jaw tightens and the cords of his neck bulge as he pushes himself away from the bar.
“What?” he chokes. “How could you, after what he did?”
“Sawyer hasn’t done anything,” I snap back, suddenly defensive.
Eli’s palm runs down his face, then scratches his neck leaving pink lines behind. “Wait. The kid?”
My arms cross my chest. “He’s not a kid. He’s in his twenties and very much a man.”
And he’s mine.
Well. As soon as I figure out how to get him back.
He takes a deep breath and relaxes. “Fuck, Val. I thought you were talking about Cade.” Shaking his head, he turns towards the door.
“None of those assholes at Black Gulch are any good. You shouldn’t mix up with them.
” He pauses, glancing at me with pain tightening his cheeks.
“I thought you were different,” he whispers before stepping out into the cold.
I lock the door behind him, then lean against it until my head rests on the cool wood.
Everyone I know associated with that ranch might have an unconventional set of ethics, but they all try to do the right thing.
But I guess Eli can’t quite see that.
It doesn’t matter because I can.
And Sawyer is the best of them. I was just too fucking stubborn to accept it.